I've realised lately that I have told so many lies over the years to people. To people I care about, to people who care about me, to people I don't give a shit about... But I've told so many lies, and some of them are just absolutely horrible. It's not until you look back on something that you realise just how bad those lies were but some of them are just... I get it. I get that everyone with an eating disorder or other mental health issue does lie on a regular basis. Heck, even regular people churn out lies like butter! Normally I wouldn't care; I have no idea why I do care to be completely honest. I think I have just started to realise just how much of my life I have missed out on because of those lies and all these problems.
I don't know. My brain is currently running through everything I have done and said throughout my life at the moment. I found out yesterday that my half sister died on Sunday. 'May the Fourth be with you' day. My favourite day of the year. We barely even spoke to each other. It's sad. I don't know what her worst fear was, what her favourite colour was, who the first person she kissed was... Obviously it's not all my fault. She didn't know the same things about me. Nobody does in fairness. But it's sad how you think you've got all the time in the world to get to know a person but in reality, you don't. This probably shouldn't be affecting me. I've taken the week off of college though to come up to Scotland.
I've never really dealt with death in my life. My great grandparents died when I was 2 & 3 and another died when I was 7, but apart from that, I've never really dealt with it. Sure I've known people who have died. Especially ED/other MH friends I've met over the years, but it's not really the same. I've always just delved further into my ED or SH'ing to deal with it. Same as I am doing now. I seriously have no idea how to deal with my feelings and emotions. I should work on that.
The last few weeks have been hell for so many reasons. College wise, everything is pure hell. Just horrendous. The people, fake friends, the work... Of course, my way of dealing with that is to binge and cut. Totally normal. So in probably 5 weeks, I've gained 25lbs. My bmi is like, 30. It's sickening. This last year or rather the last two years at college have just been hell. Everything that has happened... Ugh. I still have another year left here which will hopefully fly by. Though if I don't get up to date with my work, I won't have to worry about next year, haha. Actually, that really isn't funny because it would mean no university. Exams are next month as well. I haven't learnt or been taught anything that will be on my papers. So I have a month to learn the course contents and 2 months (or less) to finish every piece of coursework so that I have distinctions in every class. Stress.
Maybe I'll go back to my GP when I get home. Or not. I don't know. I haven't seen him in forever and hate admitting I need help. It could be a good idea though. I'll think on it over the week
Sorry this post is all over the place
Hope you're all well.