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Monday, 6 January 2014

It's wrong

Wanting to give up, I mean. It's wrong. I've been told so many times it's wrong and selfish and yada yada, but what happens when you just can't keep on pretending to be happy and okay?

"Just keep going and stay strong."

What happens when you can't keep going? It's hard. It's hard to keep pretending that everything is fine and you're managing. I'm not managing. I'm not okay. I can't keep pretending that life is going fine because it isn't and it's got to a point where I can't lie anymore. I don't know what to do. There's not really anything I can do and this post just feels really selfish.

Stay strong irks me anyway. I'm not strong and the saying is actually kinda of annoying. It gets used far too often and ugh.

"Listen to me whine about not wanting to be alive whilst not having the guts to do anything about the whole situation."

I guess I could try recovery but that never works out. Plus, it was hard enough for me to get help when I was 45lbs less and let's be honest, they're not handing out help to everyone who needs it. It's more of a wait until a professional deems you mentally messed up enough aka skinny enough and somewhat on the edge of suicide. In my experience, it doesn't seem to matter how messed up you are until your BMI is low enough which is funny considering it's rarely the ED I ever want help with. I just want to feel not so screwed up. I want to wake up and not be sad that I woke up.

Do you want to know what the sad thing is? I'm writing all this on my phone whilst on a night out with my friends. Sad, right? Sad how I can pretend to be so happy when I'm not. I'm this close... Just this close.

"And all the while I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up."


I have college in the morning. I'm not ready to go back. Right now, college is just like it was in high school and high school absolutely destroyed me. I ended up dropping out of high school because of everything and I really see college going the same way. It's the first time I've ever truly not enjoyed college. I loved the first two years minus the whole drink spiking, sexual assault on several occasions by a classmate last spring/summer. 

I really shouldn't have written that last part. I needed to write it somewhere though. It's driving me insane. I could remember for months. At first I just thought I had drunk too much and made a stupid mistake until I realised I couldn't remember anything. I've drank to the point of being surprised I'm still alive, but I've never blacked out and forgotten anything. Ever. Until then. Then it started coming back to me in pieces and you know what? I think I preferred not knowing.I preferred not knowing anything and having the chance to just speculate because once you remember, you're a victim. You're a victim and the flashbacks. They've got to be the worst. The flashbacks and remembering and I swear to God I wish I couldn't remember.

I don't think I'm going to go to college tomorrow or Wednesday. I can get an appointment with my doctor tomorrow which I think I'm going to go to. I might just send my old tutor (head of my course though) an email and sort of explain things to her. That I need a few days to try and persuade myself to get some help and not drop out of college.

Well, it's been thoroughly depressing to write all this. Hope everyone else is enjoying this gloomy Monday more than I am.

Take lots of Care
xxxx

6 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I started a post just like this one last night, but decided against posting it. I feel like giving up here lately too. I hope you do go to the doctor, maybe they can help you out. Keep your head up and stay strong dear.
    XOXO

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  2. Sweetheart, college will always be there. Even if you have to take a bit of time out to focus on yourself, it will always be there and I'm sure your tutors will understand that you need to focus on yourself right now.

    You can keep going. I wish I could give you an hug. Go and see your doctor. Please? hugs xoxox

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  3. It's okay to not be okay. It's not something to be ashamed of. Going to the gp sounds a good idea. Let me know how you get on. xx

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  4. It's good to get it all out. Sending love <3

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  5. Firstly, you ARE NOT a victim. He is a pig and someone should nail him to a wall by his balls.

    I know what you mean about wishing you didn't remember.

    Sorry you're feeling so down. "Just keep going/stay strong" gets so meaningless. At this point, the only thing keeping me sane is going to bed early with marathons of Justified/Hannibal/Walking Dead/American Horror Story/Modern Family until I can't think anymore.

    You take care, lovely lady. xoxo

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  6. "AND ALL THE WHILE I FEEL LIKE I'M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED ROOM, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, AND NO ONE EVEN LOOKS UP."
    This.

    Ok I want to find the fucker and throw him naked into a pool of razors.

    Look after yourself as mucha s you can, ok? If you need hugs or a lynch mob, I'm here <3

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