Wanting to give up, I mean. It's wrong. I've been told so many times it's wrong and selfish and yada yada, but what happens when you just can't keep on pretending to be happy and okay?
"Just keep going and stay strong."
What happens when you can't keep going? It's hard. It's hard to keep pretending that everything is fine and you're managing. I'm not managing. I'm not okay. I can't keep pretending that life is going fine because it isn't and it's got to a point where I can't lie anymore. I don't know what to do. There's not really anything I can do and this post just feels really selfish.
Stay strong irks me anyway. I'm not strong and the saying is actually kinda of annoying. It gets used far too often and ugh.
"Listen to me whine about not wanting to be alive whilst not having the guts to do anything about the whole situation."
I guess I could try recovery but that never works out. Plus, it was hard enough for me to get help when I was 45lbs less and let's be honest, they're not handing out help to everyone who needs it. It's more of a wait until a professional deems you mentally messed up enough aka skinny enough and somewhat on the edge of suicide. In my experience, it doesn't seem to matter how messed up you are until your BMI is low enough which is funny considering it's rarely the ED I ever want help with. I just want to feel not so screwed up. I want to wake up and not be sad that I woke up.
Do you want to know what the sad thing is? I'm writing all this on my phone whilst on a night out with my friends. Sad, right? Sad how I can pretend to be so happy when I'm not. I'm this close... Just this close.