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Thursday, 23 January 2014

Birthday

I'm finally 21! 
I'm sure it's meant to be a big deal but it feels exactly the same as any other day. I've never really bothered to celebrate my birthday before though, so that probably influences how I feel about today. I'm actually bothering doing something this year though which is actually pretty nice. (:

I keep getting distracted by twitter. Downside of having 36k+ followers on there and them knowing it's your birthday. Actually, more people have wished me a happy birthday on Twitter than real life. I'm kind of sad about that. Oh well. The people online are much nicer than the people I know in real life.

The presentation the other day didn't go ahead. I just did work in the library instead. I'm going to write up notes and do the power point, but instead of presenting it, I'm just going to print off the slides and hand it in. If she doesn't pass it, she does't pass it. It's not going to kill me. Change my grade, sure, but whatever.

I'm not too sure I'm prepared for all the food today. Especially since I'm off to the ballet (Yay, a billion skinny girls!), but I'm hoping it won't be too bad. I mean, if I survived Christmas, I can survive my birthday!

Hope everyone has a lovely day!

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Short post

Waking up at 4am isn't my thing. I've been putting it off for the last hour because I don't want to get out of bed. I'm meant to be doing a presentation today (ha, um, so not happening!) in Biology which sucks. I said I wasn't going to do it and my Biology tutor just doesn't understand anxiety.

Besides, what does a presentation have to do with Science? She tried spinning the line that every job will require you to do presentations. No. Wrong. Talking to people, yes. Presentations, no. 

So that's going to be fun. K* and I have decided we're going to ask her if we can just do some catch up work in the library instead of listening to people do their presentations. It sounds much better than 3 hours of pure boredom. 

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 16 January 2014

First week back done with

First week back at college and I am so glad it's over. It's taken me most of today to even consider doing any coursework, haha. I have so much work to do and the worst thing is I don't even know what half of it is for. Especially some of the Chemistry stuff. I'm not even learning anything. I'm just doing the work I'm told to and heavily relying on Google to help me do it. We're pretty much just told to pass everything so once we all go to university to start our degrees in whatever Science field, we'll have absolutely no clue what any of it is.

It's my birthday in 7 days. I keep getting asked what I want and I have absolutely no idea. You could ask me what I want in May and I'd be able to tell you, but when it gets closer to the time, I have no idea. I don't really care to be honest. A present is a present.

I really have nothing interesting to say. 

Someone I thought was my best friend deleted me off of Facebook and barely texts anymore. That sucks. Especially when we were pretty close and she hasn't even said why. So another person that has left my phone book and life. Fun. At least I didn't have to bother adding her into my new phone though. That saved some hassle, haha.

I finally upgraded my iPhone (I've been dragging my feet on this for weeks) from the 4s to the 5s. There really isn't a difference in my opinion apart from the 5s is lighter and has a bigger screen. Oh, and the colour. Apart from that, it's pretty much the 4s. Even my price plan and package (unlimited texts and calls) is the same apart from the fact I now get 8gb of data instead of 2gb. Though since I always use wifi, the data increase makes no difference and the unlimited texts/calls is pointless since the only person who texts me is my younger cousin and 2 college friends. I'm not sure whether I have crappy friends or just don't know many people.

I'm going to have to spend tomorrow and the weekend doing all my Biology/Chemistry/Physics/Maths work because it's really piling up now. Like, I took last week off and still didn't do it despite the fact I've had since December to do it. The funny thing is, I'm getting my Pass, Merit and Distinction grades in Biology despite disliking the class the most. 
Regardless of that, I still need to finish al this crappy course work. 

So a fun weekend ahead for me. :P

Oh, I was 3% off getting an A in my Maths mock. I always get a better grade when I don't revise.

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

I'm dying.

College is killing me. All I do is eat, sleep a little and go to college. 

I feel absolutely shattered and today was only my second day back!

I'll do a proper update in the morning. 

Take care
xxxxx

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

More positive

Kind of. I feel kinda ill. I feel like my potassium is kinda low and ugh. I seriously need to detox or something after tonight because alcohol really isn't helping my body. Why are so many people born around January? Including myself!

Thanks for your comments and Mich, you rock! You're seriously awesome.

I skipped college. I sent an email at 2am to my tutor saying I needed to see my doctor and needed a few days to sort some things out which she said was fine. This is why I could never understand why everyone hated her last year. She's so nice to me.

I did intend to go to the doctors today but I cancelled and said I'd go tomorrow. I took my friend for lunch instead because it's her birthday and that improved my mood a little bit. What did suck was not one of my college 'friends' bothered to ask why I wasn't there today. I feel like I'm friends with fucking high school kids who throw a tantrum over pathetic things. Ridiculous.

I have until next week though to feel normal enough to go back to college though which is good minus the drama and dislike of the place. I just need to remember I'm only here until next June/July. Then it's university and time to dislike a whole lot of new people. :P Another year and half though *gun to head*

On a totally unrelated note, I just saw Grey's Anatomy is coming back for a new season. I didn't even know they'd carried on with it! I think I gave up with it after 4 seasons or something similar. The woman who plays Meredith is far too whiny and her voice irritates the shit out of me.

I need to get to go and meet me friend and the get ready for one last night out for a very, VERY long time.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 6 January 2014

It's wrong

Wanting to give up, I mean. It's wrong. I've been told so many times it's wrong and selfish and yada yada, but what happens when you just can't keep on pretending to be happy and okay?

"Just keep going and stay strong."

What happens when you can't keep going? It's hard. It's hard to keep pretending that everything is fine and you're managing. I'm not managing. I'm not okay. I can't keep pretending that life is going fine because it isn't and it's got to a point where I can't lie anymore. I don't know what to do. There's not really anything I can do and this post just feels really selfish.

Stay strong irks me anyway. I'm not strong and the saying is actually kinda of annoying. It gets used far too often and ugh.

"Listen to me whine about not wanting to be alive whilst not having the guts to do anything about the whole situation."

I guess I could try recovery but that never works out. Plus, it was hard enough for me to get help when I was 45lbs less and let's be honest, they're not handing out help to everyone who needs it. It's more of a wait until a professional deems you mentally messed up enough aka skinny enough and somewhat on the edge of suicide. In my experience, it doesn't seem to matter how messed up you are until your BMI is low enough which is funny considering it's rarely the ED I ever want help with. I just want to feel not so screwed up. I want to wake up and not be sad that I woke up.

Do you want to know what the sad thing is? I'm writing all this on my phone whilst on a night out with my friends. Sad, right? Sad how I can pretend to be so happy when I'm not. I'm this close... Just this close.

"And all the while I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up."


I have college in the morning. I'm not ready to go back. Right now, college is just like it was in high school and high school absolutely destroyed me. I ended up dropping out of high school because of everything and I really see college going the same way. It's the first time I've ever truly not enjoyed college. I loved the first two years minus the whole drink spiking, sexual assault on several occasions by a classmate last spring/summer. 

I really shouldn't have written that last part. I needed to write it somewhere though. It's driving me insane. I could remember for months. At first I just thought I had drunk too much and made a stupid mistake until I realised I couldn't remember anything. I've drank to the point of being surprised I'm still alive, but I've never blacked out and forgotten anything. Ever. Until then. Then it started coming back to me in pieces and you know what? I think I preferred not knowing.I preferred not knowing anything and having the chance to just speculate because once you remember, you're a victim. You're a victim and the flashbacks. They've got to be the worst. The flashbacks and remembering and I swear to God I wish I couldn't remember.

I don't think I'm going to go to college tomorrow or Wednesday. I can get an appointment with my doctor tomorrow which I think I'm going to go to. I might just send my old tutor (head of my course though) an email and sort of explain things to her. That I need a few days to try and persuade myself to get some help and not drop out of college.

Well, it's been thoroughly depressing to write all this. Hope everyone else is enjoying this gloomy Monday more than I am.

Take lots of Care
xxxx

Saturday, 4 January 2014

Weekend is here

Blogging for the third time this year. How amazing!

The scales are not my friend right. At all. I'm going out in a couple of hours which I really want to cancel on but I'm going to go. I seriously should not have weighed myself. That's always a sure way to ruin the day and turn my mood to crap.

I hate bulimia. I hate it even more since my method of purging has become laxatives and exercise because I don't want to mess up the £3000 worth of metal in my mouth. God, it isn't the same though.

I need to go shopping at some point and stock up on healthy, low calorie stuff so even if I do binge, it's not on something that is going to make me gain a billion pounds. Plus, fruit and vegetables sounds so good after 2-3 weeks of pure rubbish. I might go tomorrow depending what time I get home tonight.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Write more soon.

Take Care
xxxx

Thursday, 2 January 2014

So... 2014

I'm not sure whether I am excited by the fact it's a new year, or utterly depressed at the fact it's going to be another year repeating everything I did last year and the year before that and before that... I'm going to attempt to be optimistic which isn't that easy since I'm very pessimistic about everything. I've got a set of resolutions though that I'd like to achieve like everyone else. I'm going to think of them more as goals though because New Years Resolutions are things that always end up broken.

I finally managed to weigh myself using my own scales since the beginning of the holidays and I'm pretty surprised that my weight stayed in exactly the same area as it was before Christmas. I have no idea how I've managed that since I've been stuffed to bursting point these past few weeks. It's very strange. However, it does mean I started the New Year at the highest weight I have ever started a year at. I mean, it's only 4 pounds away from my highest ever weight which is just as depressing as another year of this.

I don't think 2014 can be as bad as 2013 though. Last year was one of the worst for so many reasons and it would take a lot or this year to actually be worse. I'm not ruling it out, but it would take soo much for a year to be worse than last year. Let's hope it is a lot better though! 


----

I bought a new journal for the New Year.I haven't written down my thoughts in ages and I'd like to actually manage to fill up a journal instead of wavering off after a couple of weeks which I always seem to do. It's super cute and got a cute little panda on the cover. I was going to buy one to write down what I've eaten/exercised, but I decided to just rely on MyFitnessPal instead. It's much easier to just log everything on there and have a journal solely for thoughts.

I go back to college on the 8th which I'm not looking forward to. I have so much work to do before then and I really don't care enough to do it. I'm also not looking forward to going back because I cancelled on a college friends birthday party just before Christmas and it's just going to be really awkward and weird. I'll be slightly glad for a wee bit of normality though.

On a random note, why is it so awkward to unfollow a blog? It's seriously taken me 15 minutes to be able to do so!

Take Care
xxxx

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Happy New Year

Hope everyone had a lovely start to 2014. 

Take Care
xxxx