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Thursday, 21 August 2014

Hey


Hi! I look 12, haha.

Summer is almost over. Well, not almost. There's still another month or so until college starts again. It's weird how it's already August though. I feel like the year has passed me by and I've done nothing that I set out to do.

My teeth have been hurting so much lately. I think it's a combination of the braces and stupid wisdom teeth. Really starting to hate my teeth now. I mean, yay that they're so much straighter and healthier now but it'd be lovely to have a pain free mouth for at least a week. I'm such a baby when it comes to tooth pain.

I go home in a week or so which I'm looking forward to. I cannot explain how much I miss my bed and not having to wear jeans/trousers lol. Some peace and quiet will be good as well plus my own scales! I have no idea how accurate these scales are at my dads and it's driving me insane because I don't feel like I can trust the numbers.

I've been liquid fasting for the fast 3 days. Well 4 since it's Thursday. Fasting is pretty much the only thing that gets me out of a binge stage. I have until the 15th of September to be able to go all out. I'm hoping to be down at least 10lbs by then which is definitely doable, I just need to stay motivated and away from all the amazing food my step mum dad's girlfriend wife makes. She makes the most amazing food. Bloody chefs! I go between wanting to binge on everything in the house to not wanting to drink anything other than water at least 5 times a day.

I have a stupid guy issue with a stupid guy. I cannot express how much I do not want anything to do with him and it's freaking frustrating how he doesn't seem to understand that. I'm sorry. He was a nice guy until it became obvious he was only talking to me because of sex. Like why do so many guys (not all. I'm not a man hater or anything) seem to think that being nice to a girl means they are going to want to sleep with you. It's backwards, very stupid and just insulting to think that and besides, sex terrifies me now since last year... God forbid you have a relationship first and get to know each other. God forbid you actually make a conversation with the other person. I swear, he, we'll call him J*, will ask "How's you?" and then once he has a reply, all he says is, "I miss you." blah blah blah. Seriously fuck off. I've only (apparently) met him once (when very fucking drunk) and he lives in fricking Scotland! I'm not going to get emotionally invested in a guy who basically acts like an immature jerk and doesn't even live near me! Just no. NO.

I was going to carry on writing about J* but I can't be bothered. I have no desire to keep him on my mind so a cup of tea is in order whilst I check out blogs.

Take care
xxxxx

Friday, 25 July 2014

Summerrrrr


Wow. I haven't written on here in ages. I'm terrible with online things these days unless they're Twitter or Instagram.

It's finally summer and the weather is absolutely gorgeous! Oh my gosh. The UK is actually having summer which is amazing. It's so warm though which makes it horrible to wear sleeves. That's annoying. I'm kind of enjoying it though. I went out with a friend of mine and her son the other day for a picnic which was nice.

I have round 6 or 7 weeks until college starts again. Really not looking forward to that but it's the last year and then I'm off to university which I'm excited about! It does, however, mean I have just under 2 months to lose all the weight I've gained in this last year of college. Hit my all time high weight today which is... Wow. Not sure how to process that just yet.

I'm so warm in this heat. It doesn't help that I have to wear long sleeves. Okay, I don't have to but as if I'm not going to. Especially since I'm around people.

Okay. Way too warm, way too tired from travelling. Hope everyone is okay and I'll catch up with reading blogs tomorrow when I'm not falling asleep at my laptop.

Take care
xxxxx

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Are you happy with youself?

I am currently obsessed with the song Pretty Hurts by Beyonce. It's always nice when a song comes out that you can actually relate to.

I've realised lately that I have told so many lies over the years to people. To people I care about, to people who care about me, to people I don't give a shit about... But I've told so many lies, and some of them are just absolutely horrible. It's not until you look back on something that you realise just how bad those lies were but some of them are just... I get it. I get that everyone with an eating disorder or other mental health issue does lie on a regular basis. Heck, even regular people churn out lies like butter! Normally I wouldn't care; I have no idea why I do care to be completely honest. I think I have just started to realise just how much of my life I have missed out on because of those lies and all these problems.

I don't know. My brain is currently running through everything I have done and said throughout my life at the moment. I found out yesterday that my half sister died on Sunday. 'May the Fourth be with you' day. My favourite day of the year. We barely even spoke to each other. It's sad. I don't know what her worst fear was, what her favourite colour was, who the first person she kissed was... Obviously it's not all my fault. She didn't know the same things about me. Nobody does in fairness. But it's sad how you think you've got all the time in the world to get to know a person but in reality, you don't. This probably shouldn't be affecting me. I've taken the week off of college though to come up to Scotland.

I've never really dealt with death in my life. My great grandparents died when I was 2 & 3 and another died when I was 7, but apart from that, I've never really dealt with it. Sure I've known people who have died. Especially ED/other MH friends I've met over the years, but it's not really the same. I've always just delved further into my ED or SH'ing to deal with it. Same as I am doing now. I seriously have no idea how to deal with my feelings and emotions. I should work on that.

The last few weeks have been hell for so many reasons. College wise, everything is pure hell. Just horrendous. The people, fake friends, the work... Of course, my way of dealing with that is to binge and cut. Totally normal. So in probably 5 weeks, I've gained 25lbs. My bmi is like, 30. It's sickening. This last year or rather the last two years at college have just been hell. Everything that has happened... Ugh. I still have another year left here which will hopefully fly by. Though if I don't get up to date with my work, I won't have to worry about next year, haha. Actually, that really isn't funny because it would mean no university. Exams are next month as well. I haven't learnt or been taught anything that will be on my papers. So I have a month to learn the course contents and 2 months (or less) to finish every piece of coursework so that I have distinctions in every class. Stress.

Maybe I'll go back to my GP when I get home. Or not. I don't know. I haven't seen him in forever and hate admitting I need help. It could be a good idea though. I'll think on it over the week


Sorry this post is all over the place
Hope you're all well.
Take care
xxxxx

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Updates

I always feel super weird when I write on here when I am in college. I always feel like I have to keep a watch over my shoulder incase anyone comes up behind me to see what I am writing. However, I have no lessons and no work with me that I need to be dong so I may as well update this because I haven't done so in ages. At least in February I had an excuse (letting someone else use my laptop), but this month has been pretty shameful for coming up with excuses.

Ugh, I actually have the biggest headache right now. I'm meant to be in Maths this afternoon but have told my tutor I have an appointment instead. If I went to his lesson I'd either throw up or just sit there for 3 hours bored whilst he explains F grade Maths to a bunch of people who are finding it difficult to comprehend the stuff they should have learnt in year 7. He was fine with it though. I think it's because he knows I'm not learning anything I need to know for my exam since I'm doing Higher Tier. He's a pretty cool guy. He has OCD as well.

I have so much work to catch up on from college. I need to send my course tutor an email asking if we ever get to redo any of the units from the first semester since I actually did appauling in them and since I have to stay on this shitty course and can't change to A Levels, I'll need to redo some/most of it to ensure I actually pass this year with the highest grade I can get. Since I'm not changing courses, it also means that I cannot do Astrophysics at university. I can't even do regular Physics so I don't have any idea on what to do at university because this qualification isn't accepted in the subjects I'd want to do. Just super confused about it all because why have a qualification and encourage students to do it if it isn't accepted everywhere like A Levels are?

So yes. Life is a little bit chaotic at the moment. Not about to get any less complicated anytime soon though. Kind of used to that I guess.

In terms of weight, it's actually ridiculous how slowly I'm losing right now. I guess it doesn't help that I finally got my period for the first time in forever so I have some major bloating going on right now and it's seriously pissing me off. I've come to the conclusion that I need to stop buying snakcs and junk food though. Yesterday I actually cooked pasta for dinner (needed something super simple because I was shattered!), and realised I can't eat so much when I actually cook a meal whereas when I'm just snacking all day, I can eat so much that it's fairly unreal.

I also need to up my exercise because apart from the 2ish hours walking on college days, I actually don't do much exercise. I either need to start using my exercise bike or regular bike and starting working out again. I think this is why I'm going a bit csdbvfhjvadlh! lately. I am an exercise junkie and when I get into a depressed stage or whatever, like all my motivation goes to do anything (which is what's happened with college these past few months) and I don't do anything which then makes me feel even worse. Hopefully slowly increasing my exercise and improving my eating will help with that though.

I guess I should wrap it up for now though. I think I'm going to go and find the closest pharmacy and buy some painkillers to kill off the start of a migraine.

Take care of your pretty selfs!
xxxxxx

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Lent

I have finally have my computer all to myself. I've been allowing my friend to use it whilst his was waiting to be fixed so I haven't really spent much time online lately. I know I have my iPad and iPhone but using blogger on either of those two is just really irritating. Especially trying to use the apps because the creators have never heard of fricking paragraphs! It all ends up one big scrambled mess.

Soo...
It's Lent! Lent is probably the only Catholic thing I actually do every year because let's face it, I'm hardly a practising, totally believing Catholic, am I? But yeah.

It's my aunts birthday tomorrow. Its her party tonight though which is kind of crappy because I have college tomorrow. I don't even know why I'm going because I didn't even get a birthday message from any family member.Not even sure I'm up to it to be honest.I swear I've been out/to a party every night for the last couple of weeks. It really isn't healthy. Though is anything I do healthy?

Talking of college, I sent a rant kind of email to my form tutor about having to do presentations whilst having a really bad anxiety disorder, and I actually got an understanding email back! I almost died. It's going to be awkward tomorrow though because I'm meant to be doing a presentation in Chemistry and I don't know if he's going to be as understanding. My form tutor and the tutor who runs the entire course and likes me are his boss though. I don't know though. It could go either way. If he ignores them, I'm walking out of his class.
Simple really.

It's also going to be awkward because it tends to be once you're honest about things. I mean, when you admit it's hard enough for you to talk to people 1 to 1, it's kind of... Embarrassing, I guess. Plus there's the fact that you're tutors have probably been talking about you, too. She did say she was aware of my problem and since I've never spoken about my anxiety crap (only ED), it's obvious they've spoken about it.

Going to stop thinking about it because it's making me feel anxious and ever so slightly paranoid.

I have to get ready for the party.
Kill me.

Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 9 February 2014

The thoughts you have whilst intoxicated

Maybe we don't want to die.
Maybe we want to be saved.
Maybe we just don't know how to save ourselves.
Maybe, just maybe, we want to live.
We just don't know how to live.

Some people are fighting to stay alive whilst some people are fighting to die.
It's funny, isn't it?
How some people really want to live whilst others are desperate to die?
I've never understood it.
Maybe it's because I've never been so happy that I've truly wanted to live.
I mean, there's been times where I haven't wanted to fling myself off a bridge, but I've never been so happy that I really wanted to be alive.
I guess that's the sad thing about it all.

I've never truly wanted to live.

Each one of us was brought into the world without been asked.
Some of us live a life that is so beautiful and full of joy, happiness and wonder.
Others live a life that barely feels worth it.
They live a life that has no joy. 
No wonder.
No happiness.
No beauty.
What's life without those things?

Without those things, it just feels empty.
Empty.
How funny it is to be alive and yet not living.
By funny, I mean sad.
It's sad.
It's sad how some people go through life and feel like they have no purpose.
What's life without purpose?

I guess what's really sad is knowing you have no purpose.
Things will still go on without us.
We all know the world would still spin without us.
The moon would still appear at night.
The sun would come out in the day.
The stars would still watch over the Earth at night.

None of us are so important that the universe would seize to function without us.
That's a mixture of sad and scary.
How scary is it to be so insignificant in the scheme of things?

Of course, these are all just my thoughts.
They're only my opinions.
The things that go in and out of my head at random moments.
The things I can rarely put into words.
They rarely have any meaning.

Meaning.
That's also a funny thing.
I know I have none.
There really isn't any meaning to my existence.
I'm not sure there's any of anything to my existence.
I'm still alive though.
Still breathing.
Still suffering this hell.
Because that's all life is to me.
Each day that passes is another day I've stuck around to endure this personal hell.

Maybe one day it will be different.
Maybe one day it won't seem like hell.
Maybe I'll learn to live again because I don't think I've gone through a day in the last 15 years and felt alive.
Maybe one day life won't seem like a chore.
Like a daily activity I must do.
Like something forced upon me.

Maybe I'll be happy one day and this will all be but a memory.
Maybe it won't.
Who really knows?

Of course, this is all drunk talk.
Something that should probably be ignored.
It's all poetic and worded nicely.
Not like other thoughts I and others like me have.
The thoughts that we don't talk/write about.
Those thoughts that would destroy the person reading them.
They somehow don't destroy us, though.
Or maybe they do.
Maybe that's why we're like how we are.
Messed up but somehow hiding it.
Or are we hiding it?
It's only a maybe though.
Maybe.

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 23 January 2014

Birthday

I'm finally 21! 
I'm sure it's meant to be a big deal but it feels exactly the same as any other day. I've never really bothered to celebrate my birthday before though, so that probably influences how I feel about today. I'm actually bothering doing something this year though which is actually pretty nice. (:

I keep getting distracted by twitter. Downside of having 36k+ followers on there and them knowing it's your birthday. Actually, more people have wished me a happy birthday on Twitter than real life. I'm kind of sad about that. Oh well. The people online are much nicer than the people I know in real life.

The presentation the other day didn't go ahead. I just did work in the library instead. I'm going to write up notes and do the power point, but instead of presenting it, I'm just going to print off the slides and hand it in. If she doesn't pass it, she does't pass it. It's not going to kill me. Change my grade, sure, but whatever.

I'm not too sure I'm prepared for all the food today. Especially since I'm off to the ballet (Yay, a billion skinny girls!), but I'm hoping it won't be too bad. I mean, if I survived Christmas, I can survive my birthday!

Hope everyone has a lovely day!

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Short post

Waking up at 4am isn't my thing. I've been putting it off for the last hour because I don't want to get out of bed. I'm meant to be doing a presentation today (ha, um, so not happening!) in Biology which sucks. I said I wasn't going to do it and my Biology tutor just doesn't understand anxiety.

Besides, what does a presentation have to do with Science? She tried spinning the line that every job will require you to do presentations. No. Wrong. Talking to people, yes. Presentations, no. 

So that's going to be fun. K* and I have decided we're going to ask her if we can just do some catch up work in the library instead of listening to people do their presentations. It sounds much better than 3 hours of pure boredom. 

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 16 January 2014

First week back done with

First week back at college and I am so glad it's over. It's taken me most of today to even consider doing any coursework, haha. I have so much work to do and the worst thing is I don't even know what half of it is for. Especially some of the Chemistry stuff. I'm not even learning anything. I'm just doing the work I'm told to and heavily relying on Google to help me do it. We're pretty much just told to pass everything so once we all go to university to start our degrees in whatever Science field, we'll have absolutely no clue what any of it is.

It's my birthday in 7 days. I keep getting asked what I want and I have absolutely no idea. You could ask me what I want in May and I'd be able to tell you, but when it gets closer to the time, I have no idea. I don't really care to be honest. A present is a present.

I really have nothing interesting to say. 

Someone I thought was my best friend deleted me off of Facebook and barely texts anymore. That sucks. Especially when we were pretty close and she hasn't even said why. So another person that has left my phone book and life. Fun. At least I didn't have to bother adding her into my new phone though. That saved some hassle, haha.

I finally upgraded my iPhone (I've been dragging my feet on this for weeks) from the 4s to the 5s. There really isn't a difference in my opinion apart from the 5s is lighter and has a bigger screen. Oh, and the colour. Apart from that, it's pretty much the 4s. Even my price plan and package (unlimited texts and calls) is the same apart from the fact I now get 8gb of data instead of 2gb. Though since I always use wifi, the data increase makes no difference and the unlimited texts/calls is pointless since the only person who texts me is my younger cousin and 2 college friends. I'm not sure whether I have crappy friends or just don't know many people.

I'm going to have to spend tomorrow and the weekend doing all my Biology/Chemistry/Physics/Maths work because it's really piling up now. Like, I took last week off and still didn't do it despite the fact I've had since December to do it. The funny thing is, I'm getting my Pass, Merit and Distinction grades in Biology despite disliking the class the most. 
Regardless of that, I still need to finish al this crappy course work. 

So a fun weekend ahead for me. :P

Oh, I was 3% off getting an A in my Maths mock. I always get a better grade when I don't revise.

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

I'm dying.

College is killing me. All I do is eat, sleep a little and go to college. 

I feel absolutely shattered and today was only my second day back!

I'll do a proper update in the morning. 

Take care
xxxxx

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

More positive

Kind of. I feel kinda ill. I feel like my potassium is kinda low and ugh. I seriously need to detox or something after tonight because alcohol really isn't helping my body. Why are so many people born around January? Including myself!

Thanks for your comments and Mich, you rock! You're seriously awesome.

I skipped college. I sent an email at 2am to my tutor saying I needed to see my doctor and needed a few days to sort some things out which she said was fine. This is why I could never understand why everyone hated her last year. She's so nice to me.

I did intend to go to the doctors today but I cancelled and said I'd go tomorrow. I took my friend for lunch instead because it's her birthday and that improved my mood a little bit. What did suck was not one of my college 'friends' bothered to ask why I wasn't there today. I feel like I'm friends with fucking high school kids who throw a tantrum over pathetic things. Ridiculous.

I have until next week though to feel normal enough to go back to college though which is good minus the drama and dislike of the place. I just need to remember I'm only here until next June/July. Then it's university and time to dislike a whole lot of new people. :P Another year and half though *gun to head*

On a totally unrelated note, I just saw Grey's Anatomy is coming back for a new season. I didn't even know they'd carried on with it! I think I gave up with it after 4 seasons or something similar. The woman who plays Meredith is far too whiny and her voice irritates the shit out of me.

I need to get to go and meet me friend and the get ready for one last night out for a very, VERY long time.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 6 January 2014

It's wrong

Wanting to give up, I mean. It's wrong. I've been told so many times it's wrong and selfish and yada yada, but what happens when you just can't keep on pretending to be happy and okay?

"Just keep going and stay strong."

What happens when you can't keep going? It's hard. It's hard to keep pretending that everything is fine and you're managing. I'm not managing. I'm not okay. I can't keep pretending that life is going fine because it isn't and it's got to a point where I can't lie anymore. I don't know what to do. There's not really anything I can do and this post just feels really selfish.

Stay strong irks me anyway. I'm not strong and the saying is actually kinda of annoying. It gets used far too often and ugh.

"Listen to me whine about not wanting to be alive whilst not having the guts to do anything about the whole situation."

I guess I could try recovery but that never works out. Plus, it was hard enough for me to get help when I was 45lbs less and let's be honest, they're not handing out help to everyone who needs it. It's more of a wait until a professional deems you mentally messed up enough aka skinny enough and somewhat on the edge of suicide. In my experience, it doesn't seem to matter how messed up you are until your BMI is low enough which is funny considering it's rarely the ED I ever want help with. I just want to feel not so screwed up. I want to wake up and not be sad that I woke up.

Do you want to know what the sad thing is? I'm writing all this on my phone whilst on a night out with my friends. Sad, right? Sad how I can pretend to be so happy when I'm not. I'm this close... Just this close.

"And all the while I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up."


I have college in the morning. I'm not ready to go back. Right now, college is just like it was in high school and high school absolutely destroyed me. I ended up dropping out of high school because of everything and I really see college going the same way. It's the first time I've ever truly not enjoyed college. I loved the first two years minus the whole drink spiking, sexual assault on several occasions by a classmate last spring/summer. 

I really shouldn't have written that last part. I needed to write it somewhere though. It's driving me insane. I could remember for months. At first I just thought I had drunk too much and made a stupid mistake until I realised I couldn't remember anything. I've drank to the point of being surprised I'm still alive, but I've never blacked out and forgotten anything. Ever. Until then. Then it started coming back to me in pieces and you know what? I think I preferred not knowing.I preferred not knowing anything and having the chance to just speculate because once you remember, you're a victim. You're a victim and the flashbacks. They've got to be the worst. The flashbacks and remembering and I swear to God I wish I couldn't remember.

I don't think I'm going to go to college tomorrow or Wednesday. I can get an appointment with my doctor tomorrow which I think I'm going to go to. I might just send my old tutor (head of my course though) an email and sort of explain things to her. That I need a few days to try and persuade myself to get some help and not drop out of college.

Well, it's been thoroughly depressing to write all this. Hope everyone else is enjoying this gloomy Monday more than I am.

Take lots of Care
xxxx

Saturday, 4 January 2014

Weekend is here

Blogging for the third time this year. How amazing!

The scales are not my friend right. At all. I'm going out in a couple of hours which I really want to cancel on but I'm going to go. I seriously should not have weighed myself. That's always a sure way to ruin the day and turn my mood to crap.

I hate bulimia. I hate it even more since my method of purging has become laxatives and exercise because I don't want to mess up the £3000 worth of metal in my mouth. God, it isn't the same though.

I need to go shopping at some point and stock up on healthy, low calorie stuff so even if I do binge, it's not on something that is going to make me gain a billion pounds. Plus, fruit and vegetables sounds so good after 2-3 weeks of pure rubbish. I might go tomorrow depending what time I get home tonight.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Write more soon.

Take Care
xxxx

Thursday, 2 January 2014

So... 2014

I'm not sure whether I am excited by the fact it's a new year, or utterly depressed at the fact it's going to be another year repeating everything I did last year and the year before that and before that... I'm going to attempt to be optimistic which isn't that easy since I'm very pessimistic about everything. I've got a set of resolutions though that I'd like to achieve like everyone else. I'm going to think of them more as goals though because New Years Resolutions are things that always end up broken.

I finally managed to weigh myself using my own scales since the beginning of the holidays and I'm pretty surprised that my weight stayed in exactly the same area as it was before Christmas. I have no idea how I've managed that since I've been stuffed to bursting point these past few weeks. It's very strange. However, it does mean I started the New Year at the highest weight I have ever started a year at. I mean, it's only 4 pounds away from my highest ever weight which is just as depressing as another year of this.

I don't think 2014 can be as bad as 2013 though. Last year was one of the worst for so many reasons and it would take a lot or this year to actually be worse. I'm not ruling it out, but it would take soo much for a year to be worse than last year. Let's hope it is a lot better though! 


----

I bought a new journal for the New Year.I haven't written down my thoughts in ages and I'd like to actually manage to fill up a journal instead of wavering off after a couple of weeks which I always seem to do. It's super cute and got a cute little panda on the cover. I was going to buy one to write down what I've eaten/exercised, but I decided to just rely on MyFitnessPal instead. It's much easier to just log everything on there and have a journal solely for thoughts.

I go back to college on the 8th which I'm not looking forward to. I have so much work to do before then and I really don't care enough to do it. I'm also not looking forward to going back because I cancelled on a college friends birthday party just before Christmas and it's just going to be really awkward and weird. I'll be slightly glad for a wee bit of normality though.

On a random note, why is it so awkward to unfollow a blog? It's seriously taken me 15 minutes to be able to do so!

Take Care
xxxx

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Happy New Year

Hope everyone had a lovely start to 2014. 

Take Care
xxxx