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Saturday, 30 November 2013

Braces & college

I got my braces fitted this morning and dear freaking God! My teeth hurt so much. It was fine when I got them put on, but once I came home, had a nap and then woke, slap me silly! The thing I'm liking right now is it is literally too painful to attempt to eat. The rubber ring things are pink though which is cool.

So I guess I'm kind of fasting right now which I definitely don't mind. Saturday will be day 3.

We were taking pictures in class of Wednesday, and I saw the ones that I was accidentally in, and oh lord. You know how so many people with EDs talk about having those fat pictures that triggered their ED and/or made it worse? That is definitely what happened. I seriously haven't eaten since seeing them. I've never seen full pictures of myself since I avoid having pictures taken, so it's a total shock to actually see... Me I guess.

College is going utterly crap. I've never actually done anything that leaves me on the verge of suicide daily. I really wish I had done A levels. I can handle doing exams. Having to do assignments based on things we are barely taught because the tutors are so crap is something I can't do. This course won't even enable me to go on to do a Science BSc and MPhys anyway although right now I am completely confused as to what I want to do. Like realistically, I know I won't be able to study medicine. I mean, besides everything on my medical record, who wants a doctor with scars? Unless there is a magic way to make myself totally health, sane and have no scars, becoming a doctor isn't going to happen for me. I don't want to be a scientist either. The only reason I wanted to do a bachelors and masters degree in science was to progress onto medicine. I could always do dentistry instead since it's kind of similar.

It's funny. I never bothered to make up back up plans or even seriously thought about being a doctor and university since I never thought I'd be alive to send in any kind of university application. Now that I'm at the point to be seriously thinking about what I want to do, I see why I didn't want to be alive at this age. It's too stressful to be an adult never mind an adult with mental health issues.

Still, I have to make it through this course with DDD (triple distinction) or higher to even get onto a science degree at the university in Leeds. That means I need to somehow keep up with all the work and that's not easy.

Hope everyone is well
Take care
xxoxx

1 comment:

  1. braces are the worst really feel for you
    and theres loop holes in every profession
    never give up anything is possible!!
    xx

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