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Wednesday, 10 April 2013

As it turns out

You should never trust people who you presume you know. Never again will I trust another person as to be honest about my past or life now as it is. 

Let me explain:

On Saturday, it was my Lou's daughters birthday party. Whilst there, one of her daughters friends confessed to self harming because she's bullied a lot at school and it's the only way she knows how to copes. Now, I guessed she self harmed when she was hinting at it and told Lou, my friend. So, being a fucking awesome person, when I left with Tash and was on my way home, I thought I would send a message on Whatsapp saying I knew what the girl was going through, confessed to doing the same thing and stuff, and offered a lot of advice for her to pass on. I'm an awesome person, right? Apparently not. Lou was completely amazing about it but Tash and Anton? Fucking hell. Never before in my entire fucking life have I had a, "professionals don't help", "lol", "trust me, I've been through things..." and such responses.

I guess such things make you realise who are your friends and who isn't. I've got to say, it's been quite some time since I've come home in tears and actually been glad that I'm staying at my parents. If I had been at home, I would definitely have done something very stupid.

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So I'm slightly drunk. Writing the above was kind of too much and I can't be bothered going further into it. I've spent the last few hours trying to explain it to Kieran, remember the cute guy from the beginning of the year? Um... Lost what I was going to say. Yeah. Tried to explain it to him without including why the group has been split in two and it's just impossible to explain. I think he gets it though. Even he sees Tash as a total 'woe is me' kind of character.

Talking of Kieran, I kind of slept with him. Quite a few times. God. Oh, I'm kind of a terrible person. I promised myself that I would never sleep with, date... Get involved, rather, with someone I worked with or went to college/university with. Well... work with at least. I'm not really terrible, I just never expected to sleep with someone I spent so much time with again. It's not the worst thing because my relationship with David lasted almost 3 years in total and we worked together, and I guess Kieran and I only have the rest of this course together.

Enough guy talk! Ahh. He's cute though. 
Lou been so good about things and Kieran being all cute are two of the only things actually keeping me here right now because I am fairly certain I'd try to end it if I didn't have at least Lou in my life. I can't even explain how amazing she is.

Things in general are shit though. My additional science classes are just impossible to attend because I can't rearrange appointments; I was told I'd have to go back on the waiting list for things to be able to do it because my college timetable is just ridiculous. So after the holidays I still can't attend which is fantastic since I haven't attended a lesson all year. I need a B in the class to be able to do A levels and since I didn't get the chance to do the practical, 25% of the total grade, I'd probably need two perfect A*'s to be able to get a B and I can't do that. Since I missed the January exam because I broke my wrist the day before my birthday, I have to redo that one next month and then I have the second exam the month after. All in all, I'm screwed and won't be doing Science A Levels in September.

Need to remember to go and see my tutor next Tuesday and try and discuss this.

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Eating disorder is shit. All I do is fast and purge. Still have 30+ pounds to lose before summer.
Self harm is beyond a joke. It's all I do and it's just... I'm definitely not becoming a doctor and going to medical school simply because of my arms. I'm so close to just giving up on the medical career  because it's just becoming more and more impossible, but it's been the only thing that's kept me from suicide. If I give it up, what's to stop me from actually killing myself? It's not like I have another plan as to what I want to do with my life. I'm 20 and have no idea what I'm going to do with my life if I can't do Biology and Chemistry next year. That's so pathetic.

I would like to die even though I shouldn't admit that. It's not fair to write that on the internet. It's not fair to write anywhere to be honest. I just feel done with everything. I'm so close to quitting college and just giving up.

I don't know. I don't know how to feel or what to do.
I'm confused.

Take care
xxxx

2 comments:

  1. Those people fucking suck.

    I really hope things get better soon over your way. Don't give up on yourself, ok?

    Sending you a ton of love <3

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  2. I'm not a fan of those types of people. If someone, especially a friend, confesses to something like self harm, the best thing to do is at least try to be understanding and supportive...not arrogant and acting holier-than-thou because they've "gone through stuff." The only thing that grinds my gears more is when people tease you about it.

    As for college, perhaps go to school part time next semester like, take one or two classes for now? Or perhaps look at this as a break, where you can do some soul searching.

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