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Monday, 29 April 2013

Squiffy

I'm a wee bit drunk and I have college tomorrow. Only a wee bit though.. Yeah, I'm not convincing myself either. I'm squiffy and still drinking and don't actually care about how dreadful tomorrow is going to be. In all honesty, I hope I wake up just as drunk because that is going to be the only thing that is going to make tomorrow tolerable. It'd be even better to just sleep through my alarm and not go in at all! I really don't want to go in tomorrow. I don't want to spend time with T* and A*. Dear God, I'd have more fun pretending to be a Jew around Nazi's! 

I lost 2.6lbs this morning. Not a bleeding clue how! Right now I'm more concerned that I'm still receiving messages on Whatsapp despite muting all groups. It's so annoying to receive messages of two people you hate flirting just so they grab your attention. Go choke on a cucumber!

I almost bought new blades today but I didn't. Something made me give myself a mental slap in the face and walk out of the door. Not sure why I was going to buy 100 blades. Mainly because they only sold them in packs of 100, but I already have blades and definitely don't need more. I should probably get rid of the current ones at some point to be honest. I don;t know. I'm not a big cutter any more. I prefer... Let's not talk self harm.

All I can think is I need to wash my hair and I have my brother yelling in my ear to come and do something. Siblings. Got to love them, I suppose...

 I need to stop drinking this fruity alcoholic thing because the sugar is killing my stomach! I've noticed I can't really tolerate sugar any more. It's worse than... I would say period pains but I don't get those. It does kill me for a couple of days though.

I should go to bed. I definitely shouldn't have drank alcohol tonight since I'm meant to be going out tomorrow. I definitely need to remember to ring the gym tomorrow and renew my membership.

Night
Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Simply Sunday

I'm starting to really question my instincts about people. They seem to be really off lately. People I think are terrible turn out to be lovely. People I assume are my friend turn out to be idiots. 
I'm trying to push away people who really aren't good for me. I've never really had to do this before since I either don't bother with friends, or I'm really good at choosing people I spend time with. However, it is hard to distance yourself from people you have to spend 3 days a week with at college. I know I'd be painted as the bad picture in a few people's minds because the two people I hate (hate? Yeah, hate!) are very good at doing the whole 'woe is me' routine. Don't you just hate people like that?

I have so much homework and revision to get done today. Exams start on the 14th which is freaking me out because it's a resit from the January exam I never got to do. I've not even opened my Additional Science textbook since before Christmas. I need to pass this class too so I need to pull my finger out and go over the first half of all three sciences and aim for at least a B, preferably an A-A*, and then start to focus on the second part of Additional Science because that exam is on the 23rd! I've still got to do the ISA for that actually. It'd be simple if it was exactly the same as Science A but it's slightly different so I just need to memorise how to write it out.

I haven't been to Additional Science all year which is terrible because I still have to learn the second half of it. I wouldn't learn anything in that class though because all they do is experiments. As much as I love experiments and that, I don't want to do 3 in a 3 hour lesson and nothing else.

Anyway, less of the exam talk. It's starting to make me panic because I need to pass. So much is riding on these exams and I can't let things get in the way of passing like I did last year. I'm just going to put all my energy into revising everything! Especially English Literature!

I went to see Iron Man 3 on Friday which was absolutely incredible! I am not a massive fan of Iron Man, but I loved it! Robert Downey Jr makes it hilarious and not even Gwenny ruined it. THAT is impressive!

I should hit the books.
Have a lovely Sunday (:

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

As it turns out

You should never trust people who you presume you know. Never again will I trust another person as to be honest about my past or life now as it is. 

Let me explain:

On Saturday, it was my Lou's daughters birthday party. Whilst there, one of her daughters friends confessed to self harming because she's bullied a lot at school and it's the only way she knows how to copes. Now, I guessed she self harmed when she was hinting at it and told Lou, my friend. So, being a fucking awesome person, when I left with Tash and was on my way home, I thought I would send a message on Whatsapp saying I knew what the girl was going through, confessed to doing the same thing and stuff, and offered a lot of advice for her to pass on. I'm an awesome person, right? Apparently not. Lou was completely amazing about it but Tash and Anton? Fucking hell. Never before in my entire fucking life have I had a, "professionals don't help", "lol", "trust me, I've been through things..." and such responses.

I guess such things make you realise who are your friends and who isn't. I've got to say, it's been quite some time since I've come home in tears and actually been glad that I'm staying at my parents. If I had been at home, I would definitely have done something very stupid.

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So I'm slightly drunk. Writing the above was kind of too much and I can't be bothered going further into it. I've spent the last few hours trying to explain it to Kieran, remember the cute guy from the beginning of the year? Um... Lost what I was going to say. Yeah. Tried to explain it to him without including why the group has been split in two and it's just impossible to explain. I think he gets it though. Even he sees Tash as a total 'woe is me' kind of character.

Talking of Kieran, I kind of slept with him. Quite a few times. God. Oh, I'm kind of a terrible person. I promised myself that I would never sleep with, date... Get involved, rather, with someone I worked with or went to college/university with. Well... work with at least. I'm not really terrible, I just never expected to sleep with someone I spent so much time with again. It's not the worst thing because my relationship with David lasted almost 3 years in total and we worked together, and I guess Kieran and I only have the rest of this course together.

Enough guy talk! Ahh. He's cute though. 
Lou been so good about things and Kieran being all cute are two of the only things actually keeping me here right now because I am fairly certain I'd try to end it if I didn't have at least Lou in my life. I can't even explain how amazing she is.

Things in general are shit though. My additional science classes are just impossible to attend because I can't rearrange appointments; I was told I'd have to go back on the waiting list for things to be able to do it because my college timetable is just ridiculous. So after the holidays I still can't attend which is fantastic since I haven't attended a lesson all year. I need a B in the class to be able to do A levels and since I didn't get the chance to do the practical, 25% of the total grade, I'd probably need two perfect A*'s to be able to get a B and I can't do that. Since I missed the January exam because I broke my wrist the day before my birthday, I have to redo that one next month and then I have the second exam the month after. All in all, I'm screwed and won't be doing Science A Levels in September.

Need to remember to go and see my tutor next Tuesday and try and discuss this.

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Eating disorder is shit. All I do is fast and purge. Still have 30+ pounds to lose before summer.
Self harm is beyond a joke. It's all I do and it's just... I'm definitely not becoming a doctor and going to medical school simply because of my arms. I'm so close to just giving up on the medical career  because it's just becoming more and more impossible, but it's been the only thing that's kept me from suicide. If I give it up, what's to stop me from actually killing myself? It's not like I have another plan as to what I want to do with my life. I'm 20 and have no idea what I'm going to do with my life if I can't do Biology and Chemistry next year. That's so pathetic.

I would like to die even though I shouldn't admit that. It's not fair to write that on the internet. It's not fair to write anywhere to be honest. I just feel done with everything. I'm so close to quitting college and just giving up.

I don't know. I don't know how to feel or what to do.
I'm confused.

Take care
xxxx