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Saturday, 30 November 2013

Braces & college

I got my braces fitted this morning and dear freaking God! My teeth hurt so much. It was fine when I got them put on, but once I came home, had a nap and then woke, slap me silly! The thing I'm liking right now is it is literally too painful to attempt to eat. The rubber ring things are pink though which is cool.

So I guess I'm kind of fasting right now which I definitely don't mind. Saturday will be day 3.

We were taking pictures in class of Wednesday, and I saw the ones that I was accidentally in, and oh lord. You know how so many people with EDs talk about having those fat pictures that triggered their ED and/or made it worse? That is definitely what happened. I seriously haven't eaten since seeing them. I've never seen full pictures of myself since I avoid having pictures taken, so it's a total shock to actually see... Me I guess.

College is going utterly crap. I've never actually done anything that leaves me on the verge of suicide daily. I really wish I had done A levels. I can handle doing exams. Having to do assignments based on things we are barely taught because the tutors are so crap is something I can't do. This course won't even enable me to go on to do a Science BSc and MPhys anyway although right now I am completely confused as to what I want to do. Like realistically, I know I won't be able to study medicine. I mean, besides everything on my medical record, who wants a doctor with scars? Unless there is a magic way to make myself totally health, sane and have no scars, becoming a doctor isn't going to happen for me. I don't want to be a scientist either. The only reason I wanted to do a bachelors and masters degree in science was to progress onto medicine. I could always do dentistry instead since it's kind of similar.

It's funny. I never bothered to make up back up plans or even seriously thought about being a doctor and university since I never thought I'd be alive to send in any kind of university application. Now that I'm at the point to be seriously thinking about what I want to do, I see why I didn't want to be alive at this age. It's too stressful to be an adult never mind an adult with mental health issues.

Still, I have to make it through this course with DDD (triple distinction) or higher to even get onto a science degree at the university in Leeds. That means I need to somehow keep up with all the work and that's not easy.

Hope everyone is well
Take care
xxoxx

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

October

I'm probably the worst blogger in the entire world. Well maybe not the entire world, but I'm pretty bad. Since college started, I've barely had a chane to go online which is probably a very good thing because all I'd probably do is complain!

My course and class is pretty ehh. Some of the people in my class are beyond stupid. I do believe several have single figured IQ's!! They're pretty unbearable at times. I get along with three girls in my class okay, I guess but there was never an instant connection like with other people I've met on courses at college. Still, these past two weeks have been better than the previous three at college. A LOT better! 

Since college started I've lost 11lbs which is alright. I keep intending to go to the gym or running but I've been swamped with assignments over the past few weeks which has sucked. They've slightly slowed down now so I think it's about time I went back to the gym. I seem to have successfully hit purging on the head but I think that is more to do with the fact I'm in the middle of getting braces on and if I threw up, it'd get stuck in this expander thing that's attached to my teeth and gies across my palette, and good stuck in there would be disgusting!

Talking of teeth, I have to go and have two out on Thursday due to the brace treatment. Two perfectly healthy teeth. Really not looking forward to it because I hate going to the dentist. The whole ordeal leaves me in serious need of drugs but I can't get an appointment with my GP before going to the dentist because I'm at college all day tomorrow, and I have to travel 2 hours to my dentist on Thursday morning so... Ugh! 

I bought a new iPad today to celebrate quitting the b/p lately and to celebrate the weight loss. Maybe this will mean I actually update this thing more often. If do it on my phone but after a 8-5 day at college excluding travelling, it tends to be flat in no time. Apple seriously need to sort out the battery life in their phones. I've never had a problem with the iPads, computers or iPods. Only the phones which sucks. I'd like to say it always dies because I text too many people but I never really text/iMessage/what's app etc anyone. It's kind of sad. 

Anyway. I should go and do some Physics revision for tomorrow morning because I have a test which I am definitely going to fail! I cannot remember the equations I need for the life of me! Wish me luck!

Take Care
XoxoX

Monday, 26 August 2013

5lbs down, a billion to go

I need to go back to my GP at some point. I was meant to go in May? Maybe June.. Whichever it was, it was before summer started. I should make an appointment at some point but knowing me, I probably won't end up going back until October or November. I always have to mentally prepare myself for going to see him  for some reason.

I bailed on my 'friends' today when they asked if I wanted to go out with them. As of late, the idea of going out for drinks just doesn't interest me. Plus the people that invited me out aren't really the kind of 'friends' I want to spend time with any more. It only took nine months to figure that out. I've successfully avoided them all summer though and only saw them for an hour on results day. So I've done absolutely nothing today which doesn't bother me in the slightest. I haven't got the energy to do anything anyway.

I was at a relatives house earlier which was kind of torture. I ended up just going to sleep in the guest room for the majority of the day. I'd forgotten how annoying it is to be somewhere where people are cooking and always eating. Even when I'm not fasting or restricting, I very rarely cook things. I think it's because I like to be absolutely certain about calories although there are times when I love nothing more than to cook everything. Still, when I'm cooking, it's more likely that I'm steaming some veggies or something. Nothing that fills the entire house with smells.

I have absolutely no idea what else to write. I started this with things in my mind to talk about but that was hours ago and now all I want to do is go to bed. :-P

Take care
xxxx


Sunday, 25 August 2013

I've got issues

It's been a while since I last updated. I was either just about to do my exams or had just done the, when I last did a post. Either way, it was probably June the last time I wrote anything. 

Well, I got my results on Thursday. It's now, like, Sunday? An hour into Sunday, anyway.


These were my results: A* in English language, A in English Literature (how the heck I did that is beyond me!), A in Science and C in Maths.

So I didn't fail which was good. Well I failed Additional Science since I had to drop it because it clashed with appointments, but no utterly horrendous results. Bit annoyed about Maths because I got a C last year and now have to do it again this year toget a minimum of a B (for medical school), but to be honest, I totally gave up with Maths this year because the teacher was absolutely terrible!

----

I guess I should update and things. College starts again really soon which will be good because I'm utterly bored. May until September off is far too long. I enrolled at college on Thursday though and saw all my old tutors which was oddly nice. They've really grown on me so it's a good thing they are still part of the course I start soon. 

My English language tutor told me in person and on twitter that she was proud of me not giving up on the course which is something I desperately wanted to do, and for getting good grades. It felt so weird to have someone say they're proud of me. No one has actually ever said that to me before. 

It's funny how I always get super close to tutors I never thought I would even get along with never mind tell things to!

What else is new? 
Oh, I'm getting braces! Yes, I'm almost 21 and getting braces, haha. My orthodontist is so cute which is a nice perk to having to have braces. I have to have two perfectly healthy teeth out though in around two weeks and I'm really not looking forward to it. I've already had two out because of the ED. I guess I should be using spending £3000 as a reason to stop purging, but these days, the only time I don't purge is if I'm not eating which is why I've been fasting since Monday. 


I managed to get up to my highest ever weight over the summer holidays which was a feat, even for me. Since I have two or three weeks until  I 'properly' start college, I'm attempting to lose as much weight as possible by then. I bought a new bike and renewed my gym membership so I'm pretty much spending my days downing water and working out. Not the healthiest thing, but what part of having an eating disorder is healthy?

It's weigh in day tomorrow though since I limited myself to only using the scale on a Sunday (new day of the week) so that I don't drive myself absolutely crazy over the numbers. So I guess I'll get to see how good or bad this week has been to the numbers. :-/

How's everyone's summer been? Are you all looking forward to going back to school or college?

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Summer holidays

Oh gosh! It's July! How crazy!

So it's finally the summer holidays and I'm not back at college until September which is going to be a nice break. I'm so glad to be done with exams and the such until next year. It's a nice relief to not have to cram everything I've 'learnt' over the year into a few weeks before doing the exams. Plus it's nice to be away from people who you think are your friend but turn out to be everything a friend should never be.

So no more college for now. At least I got my place on next year's course. Away from fake friends and too much stress. I am so glad to not be surrounded by fake people who are just absolutely horrendous! Plus, out of all of my exams, only one was bloody terrible which is completely amazing!

I haven't slept and it's like, almost 7am, and I am crazy tired! I really want to go to bed but I have an extremely busy day ahead of me full of things that I can't put off until another day. My sleeping pattern has officially gone to hell since college finished. I seem to be going to bed at some crazy ass time like noon and then waking up a couple of hours later. 3 hours sleep just isn't my thing in all honesty.

I went on a shopping spree the other day for clothes to fit into by the end of summer. Vanity sizing is absolutely crazy! Every store I went into had a crazy idea of what a size 8 is! A size 8 has definitely gotten bigger over time. It used to be quite small and always kinda fitted and now it's more of a 10ish. Not that a 10 isn't small or anything because it is. It's just crazy how the fashion industry have fucked up the sizing over the years. Yes, it makes people feel better to buy a smaller size, but when that smaller size is really not that actual size, you're just fucking with people's minds.



I've figured that since this year at college, I've gained almost 35lbs not including the continuous losing and gaining of weight. I actually used to believe that gaining weight whilst at college was BS, but with all the eating out, stress eating, revision sessions at cafes and such, I definitely see why you gain weight in college. It didn't happen so much in my first year, but I never became really good friends with my classmates to the point where we'd all go out or dinner and all that. Plus there was only three of us back in my first year that were actually old enough to go out and get drunk, lol.

So on that note, I'm kind of the highest weight I have ever been and it's making me freak out quite a lot. I found my last high weight the absolute breaking point and I ended up confessing everything to my doctor, which, come to think of it, was almost two years ago. Creepy. Yea, but anyway. My last high weight almost drove me off the edge and this one is just messing with my head. I'm stuck between going on a huge downhill ED wise, and just wanting to keep gaining so it's a bigger loss at the end of it. Meh.

I'm stuck between wanting to renew my gym membership and not wanting people to see me working out at this weight. It's really annoying actually. Especially since I have a party to go to on the 22nd. 19 very short days to get out of this stupid B/P cycle and actually lose some weight. I swear I have started living in super baggy clothes because there is absolutely no chance I am going to wear dresses or skinnies right now.

Anyhoo, I'm kind of too tired for my brain to focus on what I'm writing.

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 1 June 2013

New Month

It's finally the summer holidays. I only have four more exams left and then I can finally do... Nothing! Oh my gosh! It will actually be really, really nice to not have to do anything. Apart from this last week, I haven't had time to do, well, anything really. I should have been studying this last week but I seriously can't be bothered!

I've watched so many TV shows this week. I really have no life. I've finished so many box sets  I even started The Big Bang Theory from season 1 and have finished that. Sure, I could have been studying Maths because I have no idea what is going on with that since my tutor was absolutely useless, but who has the motivation to study Mathematics? I've gone from loving the subject to detesting it!

The time is flying by! I can't believe it's June! I probably always say this, but it's half way through the year! I've done absolutely nothing with the year which is kind of sad. I'd say I'd dedicate the summer to losing weight before going back to college but it would probably be something I would never achieve. Or Id lose weight and then gain it back which is what I have been doing all year. It's so frustrating to lose 30lbs and then gain it back.

I need to figure some sort of plan out to maybe eat healthier and just add in exercise... And not stick a finger down my throat after eating everything in the house. I should work on the eating everything in the house part, too!

Anyway. It's late and I'm exhausted!

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 29 April 2013

Squiffy

I'm a wee bit drunk and I have college tomorrow. Only a wee bit though.. Yeah, I'm not convincing myself either. I'm squiffy and still drinking and don't actually care about how dreadful tomorrow is going to be. In all honesty, I hope I wake up just as drunk because that is going to be the only thing that is going to make tomorrow tolerable. It'd be even better to just sleep through my alarm and not go in at all! I really don't want to go in tomorrow. I don't want to spend time with T* and A*. Dear God, I'd have more fun pretending to be a Jew around Nazi's! 

I lost 2.6lbs this morning. Not a bleeding clue how! Right now I'm more concerned that I'm still receiving messages on Whatsapp despite muting all groups. It's so annoying to receive messages of two people you hate flirting just so they grab your attention. Go choke on a cucumber!

I almost bought new blades today but I didn't. Something made me give myself a mental slap in the face and walk out of the door. Not sure why I was going to buy 100 blades. Mainly because they only sold them in packs of 100, but I already have blades and definitely don't need more. I should probably get rid of the current ones at some point to be honest. I don;t know. I'm not a big cutter any more. I prefer... Let's not talk self harm.

All I can think is I need to wash my hair and I have my brother yelling in my ear to come and do something. Siblings. Got to love them, I suppose...

 I need to stop drinking this fruity alcoholic thing because the sugar is killing my stomach! I've noticed I can't really tolerate sugar any more. It's worse than... I would say period pains but I don't get those. It does kill me for a couple of days though.

I should go to bed. I definitely shouldn't have drank alcohol tonight since I'm meant to be going out tomorrow. I definitely need to remember to ring the gym tomorrow and renew my membership.

Night
Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Simply Sunday

I'm starting to really question my instincts about people. They seem to be really off lately. People I think are terrible turn out to be lovely. People I assume are my friend turn out to be idiots. 
I'm trying to push away people who really aren't good for me. I've never really had to do this before since I either don't bother with friends, or I'm really good at choosing people I spend time with. However, it is hard to distance yourself from people you have to spend 3 days a week with at college. I know I'd be painted as the bad picture in a few people's minds because the two people I hate (hate? Yeah, hate!) are very good at doing the whole 'woe is me' routine. Don't you just hate people like that?

I have so much homework and revision to get done today. Exams start on the 14th which is freaking me out because it's a resit from the January exam I never got to do. I've not even opened my Additional Science textbook since before Christmas. I need to pass this class too so I need to pull my finger out and go over the first half of all three sciences and aim for at least a B, preferably an A-A*, and then start to focus on the second part of Additional Science because that exam is on the 23rd! I've still got to do the ISA for that actually. It'd be simple if it was exactly the same as Science A but it's slightly different so I just need to memorise how to write it out.

I haven't been to Additional Science all year which is terrible because I still have to learn the second half of it. I wouldn't learn anything in that class though because all they do is experiments. As much as I love experiments and that, I don't want to do 3 in a 3 hour lesson and nothing else.

Anyway, less of the exam talk. It's starting to make me panic because I need to pass. So much is riding on these exams and I can't let things get in the way of passing like I did last year. I'm just going to put all my energy into revising everything! Especially English Literature!

I went to see Iron Man 3 on Friday which was absolutely incredible! I am not a massive fan of Iron Man, but I loved it! Robert Downey Jr makes it hilarious and not even Gwenny ruined it. THAT is impressive!

I should hit the books.
Have a lovely Sunday (:

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

As it turns out

You should never trust people who you presume you know. Never again will I trust another person as to be honest about my past or life now as it is. 

Let me explain:

On Saturday, it was my Lou's daughters birthday party. Whilst there, one of her daughters friends confessed to self harming because she's bullied a lot at school and it's the only way she knows how to copes. Now, I guessed she self harmed when she was hinting at it and told Lou, my friend. So, being a fucking awesome person, when I left with Tash and was on my way home, I thought I would send a message on Whatsapp saying I knew what the girl was going through, confessed to doing the same thing and stuff, and offered a lot of advice for her to pass on. I'm an awesome person, right? Apparently not. Lou was completely amazing about it but Tash and Anton? Fucking hell. Never before in my entire fucking life have I had a, "professionals don't help", "lol", "trust me, I've been through things..." and such responses.

I guess such things make you realise who are your friends and who isn't. I've got to say, it's been quite some time since I've come home in tears and actually been glad that I'm staying at my parents. If I had been at home, I would definitely have done something very stupid.

----

So I'm slightly drunk. Writing the above was kind of too much and I can't be bothered going further into it. I've spent the last few hours trying to explain it to Kieran, remember the cute guy from the beginning of the year? Um... Lost what I was going to say. Yeah. Tried to explain it to him without including why the group has been split in two and it's just impossible to explain. I think he gets it though. Even he sees Tash as a total 'woe is me' kind of character.

Talking of Kieran, I kind of slept with him. Quite a few times. God. Oh, I'm kind of a terrible person. I promised myself that I would never sleep with, date... Get involved, rather, with someone I worked with or went to college/university with. Well... work with at least. I'm not really terrible, I just never expected to sleep with someone I spent so much time with again. It's not the worst thing because my relationship with David lasted almost 3 years in total and we worked together, and I guess Kieran and I only have the rest of this course together.

Enough guy talk! Ahh. He's cute though. 
Lou been so good about things and Kieran being all cute are two of the only things actually keeping me here right now because I am fairly certain I'd try to end it if I didn't have at least Lou in my life. I can't even explain how amazing she is.

Things in general are shit though. My additional science classes are just impossible to attend because I can't rearrange appointments; I was told I'd have to go back on the waiting list for things to be able to do it because my college timetable is just ridiculous. So after the holidays I still can't attend which is fantastic since I haven't attended a lesson all year. I need a B in the class to be able to do A levels and since I didn't get the chance to do the practical, 25% of the total grade, I'd probably need two perfect A*'s to be able to get a B and I can't do that. Since I missed the January exam because I broke my wrist the day before my birthday, I have to redo that one next month and then I have the second exam the month after. All in all, I'm screwed and won't be doing Science A Levels in September.

Need to remember to go and see my tutor next Tuesday and try and discuss this.

----

Eating disorder is shit. All I do is fast and purge. Still have 30+ pounds to lose before summer.
Self harm is beyond a joke. It's all I do and it's just... I'm definitely not becoming a doctor and going to medical school simply because of my arms. I'm so close to just giving up on the medical career  because it's just becoming more and more impossible, but it's been the only thing that's kept me from suicide. If I give it up, what's to stop me from actually killing myself? It's not like I have another plan as to what I want to do with my life. I'm 20 and have no idea what I'm going to do with my life if I can't do Biology and Chemistry next year. That's so pathetic.

I would like to die even though I shouldn't admit that. It's not fair to write that on the internet. It's not fair to write anywhere to be honest. I just feel done with everything. I'm so close to quitting college and just giving up.

I don't know. I don't know how to feel or what to do.
I'm confused.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 25 March 2013

It's better to just not expect anything from people

HI!

So I haven't written on here in months! What is up with that?! Well, that's a lie. I've got several entries in drafts that I have written and never bothered to post. Pretty stupid really, but I'm actually going to post this one.

Dear God, it's March! 
I'm a terrible blogger but lots has happened in the last few months. I passed my Science exams with an A and A*. The A* was in the ISA. 3 points off the perfect 50 marks actually. The A in the actual exam was super unexpected though. I wasn't going to open my results because I thought I did terrible. In fairness, the grade boundaries were ridiculously low, but fuck yeah! I got an A!

Me and my friends from college are all super close. Our little group of three (Lou, Tash and I) has added 2 new members, Keiran and Anton. We went to the pub with them today. We're all going out on the 2nd of April too which shall be fun because they're great! We do have to go and see another classmate do stand up comedy though, so I think I shall be getting very drunk that night which is good because that's everyone bar Tash's plan too!

I met a guy.  I actually first met him a few months ago, no idea if I ever wrote about him when I initially met him... Probably not since I've been shit at blogging, but he's called Alex. Alexander. He's so cute and adorable. He's actually everything that isn't my type. He's got blonde hair and blue eyes. He's not hugely taller than me. He likes the exact same music as me though, haha. He's actually adorable. He's okay though.

----------------------------------

I wrote that probably 2 weeks ago. Isn't it funny how fast things change? How little time it takes to realise you're a complete moron. 

In other news, Les Miserables is fucking sad, isn't it? Yes, that's my drunken opinion on a movie I actually love. It's probably not the best movie to watch when you would love to either jump of a bridge or just... Something. I don't know. 
I want to whine or just write down what is in my head, but I honestly cannot be bothered. I don't have any idea what I would talk about anyway since it's been almost 4 months since I did one of these posts and I just don't have any idea how I would fit all that into one post without making everyone feel moderately to highly suicidal with how long it would be!

I've been missing a lot of Monday Additional Science classes this year. In fact, I haven't gone to a single lesson since 2013 started. In fairness, it is because I have a lot of ED and mental health appointments on a Monday, or I did until most stopped or I delayed them, but I've missed section 2 of Biology and Chemistry and really am not looking forward to the frickin' earache I'll get when I go back after the holidays because I am not going tomorrow. I should go but I actually can't face going to a lesson I haven't been to in so long. Plus the weather is terrible. Snow in March. Pssh.

I'm not even paying attention to Les Mis anymore. Russell Crowe pisses me off for some reason. However, Eddie Redmayne and Hugh Jackman are ever so gorgeous.

I'm going to write more when I'm sober. I can't string my thoughts together which, to be honest, I can't do when bloody sober!

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Happy New Year

I think that is all I am able to type right now. Hope you all had a good one.

Take care
xxxx