So, I think I have figured things out, though. In terms of education and things. I think I am going to do a Biology degree before medical school. I think I might do the MBiol, BSc Biology (Integrated Masters) course after my A levels. I've always said I want to be 80% recovered/okay before going to medical and that isn't something I see happening in the next 2 years.
I wrote this about a week ago:
"I was sat here the other night and just, just wanted to end everything. For it all to just stop and be over. I hate it when my thoughts are like that. It scares me so much. It scares me that it feels so easy to just do it. The first time I attempted it, it was the hardest decision I had made at that point. With each attempt, it seems to have gotten easier in some ways, I guess."
Reading that back makes me realise how I am never going to sort things out in 2 years and I would honestly be terrified going to medical school and being in control of other people's lives when mine is so messed up. I think it would be pretty irresponsible, too.
So Biology degree before medical degree. That's the plan. I still need the same A levels and grades to study Biology anyway so it's not like I have to change anything.
I'm off back to bed because my mouth hurts, I'm hungry but can't eat and I'm super tired for once.