Monday, 8 October 2012

It's all pretty crap

It's funny how since my last blog post, most of my opinions on college are still exactly the same. I really dislike my tutors apart from Ziggi (funny story about her later) and surprisingly, Sharon.

I should say hi since I haven't written in a while. College has sort of taken over most things which sucks. I don't think I have even seen many of my friends since the course started. It's terrible. I think half term break is in 2 or so weeks which will be a nice break. Well, not a break since most of my time is spent studying. It'll get even worse in a month or two because I'll have 3 new subjects to learn. Economics, psychology and human biology. That's going to be so much fun! *hint of sarcasm*

Blogger is already annoying me since I can't get the blogs I follow to show since I apparently don't follow any. I don't think I ever thought I would say this, but why can't you be as simple as Tumblr, Blogger? I have this issue every time I come on Blogger and it's beyond irritating.

So Ziggi. It is such a strange name, but anyway. I sent her an email talking about additional science and my iPhone auto corrected her name to Zippy. It was hilariously awkward but she's cool. I have her lesson tomorrow afternoon, actually. We're moving on from Biology and starting Chemistry so I am trying to cram as much Chemistry revision into tonight and tomorrow just so I don't feel like I know nothing, because surprisingly, I barely remember anything from last year. My mind as gone totally blank and everything I learnt last year isn't in my brain anymore.

I also have to study for a Maths test on Tuesday. I swear all I do is study. I am really bored of it.

I have to go to the dentist in the morning first, though. I am definitely not looking forward to it because I hate the dentist. I hate it. I have a new dentist, too, so I am not looking forward to that. Ugh.

The eating disorder and things are pretty blurgh at the moment. My anxiety is through the roof because of stupid presentations we have to do in classes. Presentations are stupid. They're not even needed in life. I am never going to need to do a presentation or use Microsoft Powerpoint in the future. It's stupid that we have to do them. Especially the one I have to do about high school. That is just a time of my life I NEVER want to talk about with anyone never mind a class full of people I cannot stand. Stupid tutors for not realising/understanding that a person with GAD and other shit really isn't good at presentations in front of people.

I can't wait for this year to be over and A Levels to start. The only good thing about this year is Natasha and Louise. If I wasn't in a class with them, after how last Tuesday went in stupid NOCN, I would have left the course because I don't really like it. Not at all.

So it's a new week and I am going to get back into exercising. I haven't been able to get to the gym since coming back home, so I desperately want to start going back to the gym. It's tiring to either gain weight or just stay the same weight. The first two weeks of college I lost 16lbs and then plateaued. I haven't felt up to going near the scales since it went up 4lbs over a week ago. I am sure it has probably gone up even further since then. I think I'll suck it up in the morning and check it. It might shock me into doing something about it.

The self harm and purging are both pretty bad again. I ate earlier and purged and then just went stupid with self harm. I should just go to the doctors and ask him for help. A small part doesn't think I need help, though. A small, or rather large part actually, just wants to self destruct and give up because it would be so nice to give up. Giving up seems so much easier than fighting, yet in reality, it's harder. I guess nothing is ever easy and if it is, it's usually a lie.

Take care


  1. Sounds like you're pretty low... I hope that things get better :/


  2. Hey, I know what you mean about college, I go to uni I have no time to do anything! It's really awful.

    I hate presentations too, but I just see it as I have to do it and try not to think about it as it only causes more anxiety.

    Good luck with getting back into the exercising.
    I hope you do go to the doctor about your self harm and purging, please don't give up. I feel like giving up every day but I don't, self-destruction would be easier, but there must be somthing about living? I hope the doc helps :)
    Alice xx

  3. Gah I have a such a hate relationship with economics so best of luck with that. Yes I am sick of studying taking up all my life too lol. Go kick ass at the presentation xoxo

  4. dont fall back uve got college so make sure it keeps u on the straight and narra love
    with the presentations most people are just as nervous and half of them dont really care about work so dw too much it wont be as bad as ur imagining

  5. I used to think that staying in my eating disorder and addictions was the easy option but now I'm not so sure.
    It's physically and mentally exhausting, the purging, the exercise, the restriction, the anxiety, the depression.
    I'm sure people choose recovery because it is better and easier but I don't seem to be able to muster up the courage to recover myself.
    Fear and anxiety keep me stuck.

    Hang in there x

  6. Uni is like that, ALWAYS studying and NEVER being able to retain anything thanks to having to cram so much into your head in such a short space of time. I swear I have a grey hair for ever semester I spent studying >:(

    *Hugs* You should see if you can talk to someone. You do deserve help, having to cut and puke to make yourself feel better isn't fun.

    You're right, anything that looks easy never is.

    Love you so much, You take care of yourself too ok?


  7. Do all your tutors know about your problems? And do you get support from the disability service at college? I honestly have found that telling my tutors/getting diability to tell them has made a big difference x

  8. I hope you're okay. College sounds pretty stressful. I agree, presentations are ridiculous. Don't teachers realise some people have extreme social anxiety and would rather die than talk in front of people?

    And I wish I could do something to help with the purging and self harm, I've got worse recently too.
    Go to the doctor. I know exactly how you feel, I thought I wasn't bad enough too, and I still want to self destruct. But I went and it helped just that he took it seriously and seemed concerned enough to do something.

    I really hope you're okay, take care.

  9. Uni tends to eat your life *hugs* I hope things are going a bit better now.

    Did you go to the doctor and talk to them? If not, you should. You deserve help and you deserve to live a life free of this crap.

    The easy path has unstated costs that make it so much harder. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

    Finally! Someone else who doesn't think Anne Rice is the Hottest Shit Ever! *Hugs your leg like an annoying toddler*

    I'm considering swearing off relationships, but I don't think the local Nunnery would accept me since I'm rather fond of swearing and being irreverent.

    I hope you're ok and Uni isn't working you to hard right now. Take care of yourself, ok? *hugs*

  10. This is such a big, newsy post, I'm so glad to know where you've been and what you're up to!
    I do hope you start to feel better soon, though. I've only just come through a, let's say, 'rough patch', too; it's pretty rubbish, sometimes, huh.
    I know you can make it through, though. :)

    x Bella