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Monday, 8 October 2012

It's all pretty crap

It's funny how since my last blog post, most of my opinions on college are still exactly the same. I really dislike my tutors apart from Ziggi (funny story about her later) and surprisingly, Sharon.

I should say hi since I haven't written in a while. College has sort of taken over most things which sucks. I don't think I have even seen many of my friends since the course started. It's terrible. I think half term break is in 2 or so weeks which will be a nice break. Well, not a break since most of my time is spent studying. It'll get even worse in a month or two because I'll have 3 new subjects to learn. Economics, psychology and human biology. That's going to be so much fun! *hint of sarcasm*

Blogger is already annoying me since I can't get the blogs I follow to show since I apparently don't follow any. I don't think I ever thought I would say this, but why can't you be as simple as Tumblr, Blogger? I have this issue every time I come on Blogger and it's beyond irritating.

So Ziggi. It is such a strange name, but anyway. I sent her an email talking about additional science and my iPhone auto corrected her name to Zippy. It was hilariously awkward but she's cool. I have her lesson tomorrow afternoon, actually. We're moving on from Biology and starting Chemistry so I am trying to cram as much Chemistry revision into tonight and tomorrow just so I don't feel like I know nothing, because surprisingly, I barely remember anything from last year. My mind as gone totally blank and everything I learnt last year isn't in my brain anymore.

I also have to study for a Maths test on Tuesday. I swear all I do is study. I am really bored of it.

I have to go to the dentist in the morning first, though. I am definitely not looking forward to it because I hate the dentist. I hate it. I have a new dentist, too, so I am not looking forward to that. Ugh.

The eating disorder and things are pretty blurgh at the moment. My anxiety is through the roof because of stupid presentations we have to do in classes. Presentations are stupid. They're not even needed in life. I am never going to need to do a presentation or use Microsoft Powerpoint in the future. It's stupid that we have to do them. Especially the one I have to do about high school. That is just a time of my life I NEVER want to talk about with anyone never mind a class full of people I cannot stand. Stupid tutors for not realising/understanding that a person with GAD and other shit really isn't good at presentations in front of people.

I can't wait for this year to be over and A Levels to start. The only good thing about this year is Natasha and Louise. If I wasn't in a class with them, after how last Tuesday went in stupid NOCN, I would have left the course because I don't really like it. Not at all.

So it's a new week and I am going to get back into exercising. I haven't been able to get to the gym since coming back home, so I desperately want to start going back to the gym. It's tiring to either gain weight or just stay the same weight. The first two weeks of college I lost 16lbs and then plateaued. I haven't felt up to going near the scales since it went up 4lbs over a week ago. I am sure it has probably gone up even further since then. I think I'll suck it up in the morning and check it. It might shock me into doing something about it.

The self harm and purging are both pretty bad again. I ate earlier and purged and then just went stupid with self harm. I should just go to the doctors and ask him for help. A small part doesn't think I need help, though. A small, or rather large part actually, just wants to self destruct and give up because it would be so nice to give up. Giving up seems so much easier than fighting, yet in reality, it's harder. I guess nothing is ever easy and if it is, it's usually a lie.

Take care
xxxx