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Sunday, 16 September 2012

New college year

I started college again last Tuesday and it's... Okay. Yeah. I wasn't the biggest fan of it, and I still aren't, but I'm getting used to it. The tutor for Science, I think he is called Howard, is beyond pointless. He's actually a lot worse than Umesh ever was. I actually got used to Umesh by the end of the course. Jesus, 15 minutes into Howard's lesson, I actually started to miss Umesh lol. I never thought I would think that. Ever!
Howard also pretty much promoted these fad diets. He did a no carb diet and lost 10lbs in the first week so he's going to do it again. He made sure to tell us that we can expect us to see him shrink throughout the year. It was a lovely little trigger during the most boring biology lesson I have ever done. I love biology, but this fool was skipping everything that is going to come up on the exam.

Idiot.

 He was just as annoying as my English Literature tutor, Sharon, who insisted on using the term 'real women' when talking about Shakespeare's sonnet 130. I wanted to throw her out of the window. It's always people who are slightly overweight or something that use that stupid term. I hate it. She happens to be my personal tutor, too. Give me Christine back?

I miss my old tutors. I'd give anything to have Richard, Christine, Emma, Louise and Umesh back. Them and my old class. As much as I sometimes disliked them, I liked them more because my new class is a bit iffy. I get on with at least 3 people, though. Can't complain, I guess. But I had a really good bond with my old tutors. I could tell them anything and feel okay with it. I can't see myself talking to my new ones about the same things. Maybe Sharon because she comes across okayish, but not the rest.

My new best friend and seat buddy is a very cute guy. Yes, K* is undoubtedly cute. We get along quite well as well. I like him. I mean, I am never going to date him, but having someone good looking to talk to is always good. I must confess that he is completely different to guys I normally find good looking. He's not a sporty type (I have a major obsession with shoulders and backs lol) or outstandingly smart, not that that is a terrible thing or meant to be an insult. He's pretty much the opposite of what I normally find attractive. He has Justin Bieber-esque hair... Okay, maybe not Bieber-esque. That is kinda insulting. Just longish hair. Kind of like Australian surfers. Yet he's still attractive. I think it's his personality. He made me laugh, he's as awkward socially as me, and he likes Shakespeare. A guy who has the ability to make me laugh and loves literature is instantly amazing. He made the first day/week feel less awkward than it was because I instantly disliked it and we just spent the week talking about anything and everything.

I need to change subjects now because I feel super awkward and embarrassed! Yet I'm smiling whilst writing this.

I've been so tired all week. I've been getting maybe 3 hours of sleep a night and waking up at 2am. Then I have college from 09:00 until 16:30. I have no idea how I am functioning. 
In just one week of college starting again, I have lost just over 10lbs. I haven't weighed myself since Friday morning so I have no idea how much more I've lost. It's almost as though as soon as my days are filled, I have no intention on eating. I'm pretty glad about it because I was verging on hitting my HW again, but I hate how the purging has gotten worse despite not eating. It's ridiculous. My chest/heart area has been killing all week because it's not a one off kind of thing. It's something that happens so many times a day. I drink something just to throw it up. I didn't think I would return to the point where I don't feel comfortable with liquids.

So the purging and self harm are just at that stage where it is beyond ridiculous. Both things are happening several times a day and yeah. I think it's at the stage where I just can't be bothered asking for help. If I could barely get it when I was 20lbs lighter, I can't be bothered thinking about what it would be like asking for it now. I'm not dumb with certain things (chest pain etc) and know when I need to go and see the good old GP, but besides that, I can't be bothered right now. Maybe I'll think differently next month or the month after. Hell, maybe next week I'll think differently, but right now I just feel bleh about talking about things. I do need to work on things, mainly the cutting, but things are already stressful. I already have to pass all 7 subjects with nothing less than A's, my days are packed, life is chaotic and I just... I don't know. Them two things are like coping mechanisms. It would just be strange not to do them and God only knows what other coping technique I'd switch to.

It's funny (or is it sad?) that the two things that make me feel somewhat alive, also make me feel pretty much dead.

So yeah. I think I am going to continue fasting this week. I feel safer eating nothing than I do eating a little something. When I eat something, no matter how small, I always feel I should cut/purge/binge/take laxatives etc. Mentally I feel safer staying away from food. Physically, well physically I feel terrible no matter what I do. I just mainly need more sleep. More sleep always helps any situation. I think I just need my brain to turn off for a while or at least think positive things. It would make a change from: 

  • Wondering how you can hurt yourself 
  • What you can hurt yourself with
  • Which bathroom no one will disturb you purging in
  • Diet coke or water?
I'd just like an off button that worked for a couple of hours each day. Or week. I'm not too fussed.

I'm fairly certain I intended to write much more. I swear I say that each time I blog. By the time I have actually written something and am about to publish it, it has been around 3 hours and by that point, I totally forget what I was even going to blog about. I have it all planned out in my head and I get on and it's gone. I need to be able to concentrate or something.

I also have so many blogs to comment back on and catch up on. Both on here and on Tumblr. I guess I should add everything on the internet to that list. I've not even logged on to certain websites in weeks which is pretty terrible. I just don't have the energy or motivation. I rarely even log onto Facebook because I get home at 18:30, get a shower/bath, do my homework and before I know it, it is time to go to sleep. It's amazing how time seems to just fly by unless it is the weekend. On weekends it just drags.

Someone asked for my Tumblr link. I can remember who but just not their username. I'm terrible at remembering people's names online. But here is it. :) http://almost-invisible-and-fading-away.tumblr.com/

This has become unbearably long. I'm going to stop and go and do my English Literature homework. Plus English homework, tutorial homework and ton of Maths revision. Fun!

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 3 September 2012

Home

I'm so glad to be home.

I should probably go to bed since it is nearly 2am.

I have college tomorrow at half 2. Ugh. New people. I don't like new people. They make me panic and just feel all awkward. I am definitely not looking forward to it. Especially since with the super long vacation, I am so much heavier. It's depressing.

I'm durnk. Drunkk and fat. Bleh, whatever. I finally post a new post and it's all depressing and annoying.

durrnk!!! Okay, I'll attempt to be less annoying, haha.

Umm... I wonder what my claass will be like. I hope they are not super stupid or anything. Knowing my luck, I'll be the youngest one in the worst class ever. I got my exam results, too. I swear they screwed up my English marks. It's pretty impossible to get A*, A, and then a D. 2 UCAS points off of an A overall, but it's cool. I have to redo the thing again anyway. I got my C in Maths since I was only doing foundation. Science was a key example of how the college really screwed up throughout the year. Each 7 exam parts varied from A* to C. Science was taught really bad if anyone remembers my rantings about the terrible, terrible lesson.

I made a Tumblr whilst in Paris. It's somewhat freaking addictive. I still prefer Blogger because I like writing, but sometimes a pictures says so much more than you could ever write. It's not bad, though. I don't dislike it as much as I used to.

I am going to bed because it's 3am and I'm tired and yeah.

Goodnight
Take care
xxxx