On the 16th of July 2011, I told my doctor about my ED. I only realised today when I was thinking about things. It's been over an entire year. And not a thing done from other services.
Nice. I guess it just reinforces the fact that you need to be underweight to get more than regular talks to your GP. Okay, maybe that is slightly biased, but you can bet your ass if my weight wasn't in the 'healthy' range, more would be done. I don't think I mean that, though. I think I'm just in a stupid mood and things. I slightly mean it because, well, it is somewhat true. Professionals are always more concerned the lower in weight you are.
Whatever, though. It's not like I intend on recovering any time soon or anything and at least my GP is nice.
Today has just been one of those days. It's been a reminder that life isn't always fair. Sometimes it bites back and it sucks. Not going to lie. It sucks a lot. Especially when you can't change it. However, life was never meant to be easy or fair.
I've got a total lack of appetite. I'm not hungry, I'm not tempted to eat... Nothing. It always happens when I am stressed or dealing with things. I half like it, half dislike it. I can't even explain why I dislike it. Maybe it's because it tends to go on for weeks. The last time I felt like this, I didn't eat for a month? ED wise it is great. I mean, I'm losing weight, I'm not binging, I feel in control, I feel able to lose 10, 20, 30lbs etc.
Mentally, it is a completely different story. My moods are terrible because of not eating and over exercising, I feel like the worst person to everyone that knows me... I just, I just don't want to feel like this right now. Not when there isn't anyone I can talk to. It's like an unintentional trigger. Or maybe it's intentional. Maybe it's just something that brews inside for a while and when it's finally got something it can blame for unleashing itself, it does.
It doesn't make sense, I know. I don't know how to make it make sense because it just doesn't. Eating disorders and mental health issues aren't logical and they don't make sense. That's probably why they are so difficult to treat. I feel like I am in such a dark and unsafe place. I don't know how to fix that, though. I'm at a loss.
This is too difficult to explain and I'm giving myself an headache trying to. I've lost the point of what I am even trying to explain. I didn't even know that was possible, but when you spend 7 hours attempting to finish your blog post, it kind of happens.
Since it is technically Saturday, I hope today is much better. I can't sleep and it's 5am and.. *sighs* I'm exhausted. My sleeping routine is none existent and I'm just tired. It's making me fed up and grumpy and not a very sociable human being. I pity people spending time with me because I am not fun lately at all. I'm just really... Not someone I would want to spend time with.
I don't know what else to write despite having so much on my mind. I think I am going to lock myself in my room with a bottle of diet coke and try to sleep all weekend. I'm alone all weekend which has kind of scared me and I'm never normally scared of being alone. I live alone so it's never been an issue. I guess I am just scared I'll SI or something. I really don't want to, but I kind of broke the no SI thing ages ago. In fact, the only thing I haven't done is take laxatives. 1 out of 3 isn't totally bad.. The sleep part of my plan is most likely not going to happen which means I'll have a weekend of thinking about everything, but it'll be okay. Things have to start getting better at some point. I hope. It's been 13 years. I think I deserve a break.