Friday, 20 July 2012

Reality called

On the 16th of July 2011, I told my doctor about my ED. I only realised today when I was thinking about things. It's been over an entire year. And not a thing done from other services.

Nice. I guess it just reinforces the fact that you need to be underweight to get more than regular talks to your GP. Okay, maybe that is slightly biased, but you can bet your ass if my weight wasn't in the 'healthy' range, more would be done. I don't think I mean that, though. I think I'm just in a stupid mood and things. I slightly mean it because, well, it is somewhat true. Professionals are always more concerned the lower in weight you are.

Whatever, though. It's not like I intend on recovering any time soon or anything and at least my GP is nice. 

Today has just been one of those days. It's been a reminder that life isn't always fair. Sometimes it bites back and it sucks. Not going to lie. It sucks a lot. Especially when you can't change it. However, life was never meant to be easy or fair.

I've got a total lack of appetite. I'm not hungry, I'm not tempted to eat... Nothing. It always happens when I am stressed or dealing with things. I half like it, half dislike it. I can't even explain why I dislike it. Maybe it's because it tends to go on for weeks. The last time I felt like this, I didn't eat for a month? ED wise it is great. I mean, I'm losing weight, I'm not binging, I feel in control, I feel able to lose 10, 20, 30lbs etc. 
Mentally, it is a completely different story. My moods are terrible because of not eating and over exercising, I feel like the worst person to everyone that knows me... I just, I just don't want to feel like this right now. Not when there isn't anyone I can talk to. It's like an unintentional trigger. Or maybe it's intentional. Maybe it's just something that brews inside for a while and when it's finally got something it can blame for unleashing itself, it does.

It doesn't make sense, I know. I don't know how to make it make sense because it just doesn't. Eating disorders and mental health issues aren't logical and they don't make sense. That's probably why they are so difficult to treat. I feel like I am in such a dark and unsafe place. I don't know how to fix that, though. I'm at a loss.

This is too difficult to explain and I'm giving myself an headache trying to. I've lost the point of what I am even trying to explain. I didn't even know that was possible, but when you spend 7 hours attempting to finish your blog post, it kind of happens.

Since it is technically Saturday, I hope today is much better. I can't sleep and it's 5am and.. *sighs* I'm exhausted. My sleeping routine is none existent and I'm just tired. It's making me fed up and grumpy and not a very sociable human being. I pity people spending time with me because I am not fun lately at all. I'm just really... Not someone I would want to spend time with.

I don't know what else to write despite having so much on my mind. I think I am going to lock myself in my room with a bottle of diet coke and try to sleep all weekend. I'm alone all weekend which has kind of scared me and I'm never normally scared of being alone. I live alone so it's never been an issue. I guess I am just scared I'll SI or something. I really don't want to, but I kind of broke the no SI thing ages ago. In fact, the only thing I haven't done is take laxatives. 1 out of 3 isn't totally bad.. The sleep part of my plan is most likely not going to happen which means I'll have a weekend of thinking about everything, but it'll be okay. Things have to start getting better at some point. I hope. It's been 13 years. I think I deserve a break.

Take care


  1. If you can't sleep, try listening to music for a distraction?

    I hope your weekend is better than the last few weeks <3

  2. hope you're feeling better by now..
    if not, you can always drop me a message honey :)

  3. Well done for reaching out for help with your ED, I'm glad you've got a good GP and I hope they get you the help you need x

  4. It's an unfortunate reality that in my country you have to be at deaths door to get proper help.
    It drives me batshit crazy!
    When my weight plummeted to 77lbs people were falling over themselves to help but the truth is I was just as sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs.
    It's a mental illness and weight is not always an accurate indicator as to how sick a person is.
    I have gained weight recently and people presume I must be better but that couldn't be further from the truth.

    Hang in there x

  5. oh damn, i don't even know what to say to cheer you up. i don't think what to say at all ... i hope this low doesn't go on too long. take care of yourself, will you? feel hugged.

  6. It's unfortunate that they're not willing to use the resources available to help you. I'm not sure where you're from nor do I know your history, but if there are any government funded clinics that offer therapy, it might be an option for you, if you haven't tried already. It may not be an ED specialist or treatment facility, but it's something. Most of the time ED treatment focuses a bit too heavily on weight and nutrition rather than on therapy, which I think is counter-productive.

  7. It's an unending circle. You feel melancholy for lack of a better word, so you don't eat, then you haven't eaten so you have no energy to feel more than melancholy. I couldn't explain the feeling either but I know exactly-ish what you are talking about because that's how I feel right now...

  8. I'm sorry you're having such an emotional time at the moment. I wish I could tell you it will get better.
    If you ever need someone to talk to about anything I'll be here for you. I hope you have a good rest of your weekend and that things start to look up soon.

  9. Im sorry that you're having such a hard time. Just know that you can always talk to us here. We will listen.

  10. Im so sorry you are feeling like this.. and I really hope that by the time you get this - things are better..

    I think you are very brave for telling your doctor about your ED. If the doctor understands ED's he/she will react in the correct way.


  11. Emotions running crazy within and exploding your head. Yes that has been going on here too lately. In a way out of everything and totally in with yourself but still too out to grab anything. Hang in there and try to eat a little.

    And I just have to say again how much I hate these treatment systems in every country because no matter where you're from, there seems to be no way getting treatment fast if you're not in the state that you need to hospitalized.


  12. I'm sending you so much love, darling.
    You deserve a break; let your mind rest for a while.
    Moreso, you deserve to smile.

  13. I totally understand about lack of help out there. I had a BMI of 15 in 2009 and the specialists had to have meetings and interview me to see if they would help me or not. To decide whether i was a hopeless case/had no real intention of recovery. I did 'recover' apparently in terms of weight, but i still think about it every day and am losing weight again.