Sunday, 15 July 2012


I didn't go to the college thing if anyone remembers me talking about it ages ago. I should have because I won two awards. I was Student of The Year and something about attendance. I feel bad that I didn't go just because I felt too fat. I really wanted to go, too. Now I have to meet a kid I am not overly fond of and get the two awards. There is somewhat of a lesson in this story. I don't even know when I'll end up meeting him because he's in South Africa and I'm in Dublin preparing for my trip to France. Sigh.

I've gained so much weight since college finished. All I seem to do to cure the boredom is eat and it's driving me crazy. Especially being here in Dublin and like this because it's so much harder to get out of binge mode when I'm around people who are constantly eating. I'm here for another 2ish weeks too and then I'm off to France. It's fun, don't get me wrong, to be doing things over the holidays, but all I want to do is restrict and workout and it's so hard to do that when you are spending time with other people in different countries.

I wonder if the hotel has a gym. I need to do something or I am going to go back to college so much bigger. I've already gained 15lbs or so, (I don't trust these scales because they aren't mine) and it's depressing. The only good thing is I haven't turned to cutting or any other behaviour because of it which is what I normally do. Though I did just burn my finger on the oven and it fricking hurts. Injuries seem to always hurt much when they are real accidents. Self harm doesn't seem to hurt as much for some reason.

Dublin. France. I sort of just want to go home and pretend nothing exists until the end of August. Especially the eating disorder. Honestly, this will sound kind of sick but if you've had a mixture of eating disorders you could maybe understand, I preferred the anorexia to this. Fuck, I preferred the constant throwing up and stuff to this constant binging. I think preferred is the wrong word. No, it definitely is the wrong word. I just hate the mixture of binging and throwing up.

I hate binging.
I hate the word binging because is sounds freaking stupid, haha.

I am, however, semi glad we aren't going to Italy like I wanted because I would definitely come back home 10 kilos heavier. I'd have to try absolutely everything. Plus , since Italy knocked England out of the Euro 2012, I'm not the greatest fan. ;)

Ugh. This download/upload/what-the-hell-ever is going so slowly. Screw my friend with a rusty screw for asking me to put How I Met Your Mother into a blog for her.

I hate binging. Have I said that already? Ugh. I've gained way too much weight.

How skinny are them two sisters on White Chicks? I mean the two rich bitchy ones. Obviously not the Wayan brothers, though they aren't exactly huge lol.

I think I am going to watch the end of White Chicks and go to bed. Since tomorrow is Monday, maybe this binging and rubbish will magically disappear. I've got to sort this shit out by the time I go to France. I'm just tired of it. At least tomorrow is Monday, though. It's not like you can start over on any other day. :P If only I could snap my bank card. Then I would have no money and then I couldn't binge. Or eat. Or do anything. I would so snap it if I didn't need it. Bloody vacations.

I need to catch up on blogs. On everything internet related, actually. On real life things, too. I feel like I need a huge catch up with everyone in Starbucks or something.

I hope you're all okay.


  1. France and Dublin. God! I am so jealous of you! I'm stuck here in the rainy UK for the holidays.

    Congratulations on the two awards. You should have gone to the awards thing. It's ridiculous how EDs can really screw us over in terms of what we want to do. *Hugs*

    Binging does suck. You can overcome it though. I know you can. Start off slowly. Never dive straight into fasting or whatever because it'll make you more likely to carry on binging.

    Enjoy yourself over the holidays. xxx

  2. I love the new layout! Very girly and bright!
    OMG! Francce is amazing! You'll love it if you haven't been before. How long are you going for?

    You can beat the bingeing! I believe in you. I'm sure you've not gained half as much weight as you think you have. We all think we weighh much more than we do. I bet you look great.

    And yay for the student of the year thing! That is an awesome thing to achieve. Chin up girl. xx xx

  3. Can't he just mail them to you? Or I guess you don't want him to have your adress?

    GZ on winning the awards though :)

    Try to find something to get out the binge mode.. I would say get out - but the weather has been horrible and I doubt it's any better in Dublin.

    Try to have some fun in France. I haven't been there yet, but it is supposed to be amazing :)

    Take good care :)

  4. I hate binging too. Slowly weaning myself off it. Lets beat this fucker over the head!

    It's so hard when good hospitality is equated with copious amounts of food and drink. How did this social convention spread everywhere?? Must be a throwback to the caveman days 0.0

    Lol, the people thing is the reason I could never go back to checkouts. My ass-kissing skills have seriously atrophied in my time in the Deli XD

    Good luck and lots of love to you <3

  5. Hey I've just found your blog.
    I'm also based in Ireland on the west coast.
    I can relate to a lot of what you write,
    I'll look forward to reading more,

    Much love x

  6. I hate binging too, although I doubt there's anyone who enjoys binging. Haha I hope today went better for you. Try to make me most of this Summer and enjoy being in all these different countries.
    Good luck getting the binging under control.

  7. hm. i think self harm hurts less than other injuries because you're ready for it. like, you're mentally aware of what's about to happen. but sounds like that oven caught you by surprise.

    binging is a weird word. just like moist. it just feels uncomfortable, saying it. (i'm odd, my apologies.) :)

    i hope you're okay. <3