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Friday, 20 July 2012

Reality called

On the 16th of July 2011, I told my doctor about my ED. I only realised today when I was thinking about things. It's been over an entire year. And not a thing done from other services.

Nice. I guess it just reinforces the fact that you need to be underweight to get more than regular talks to your GP. Okay, maybe that is slightly biased, but you can bet your ass if my weight wasn't in the 'healthy' range, more would be done. I don't think I mean that, though. I think I'm just in a stupid mood and things. I slightly mean it because, well, it is somewhat true. Professionals are always more concerned the lower in weight you are.

Whatever, though. It's not like I intend on recovering any time soon or anything and at least my GP is nice. 

Today has just been one of those days. It's been a reminder that life isn't always fair. Sometimes it bites back and it sucks. Not going to lie. It sucks a lot. Especially when you can't change it. However, life was never meant to be easy or fair.

I've got a total lack of appetite. I'm not hungry, I'm not tempted to eat... Nothing. It always happens when I am stressed or dealing with things. I half like it, half dislike it. I can't even explain why I dislike it. Maybe it's because it tends to go on for weeks. The last time I felt like this, I didn't eat for a month? ED wise it is great. I mean, I'm losing weight, I'm not binging, I feel in control, I feel able to lose 10, 20, 30lbs etc. 
Mentally, it is a completely different story. My moods are terrible because of not eating and over exercising, I feel like the worst person to everyone that knows me... I just, I just don't want to feel like this right now. Not when there isn't anyone I can talk to. It's like an unintentional trigger. Or maybe it's intentional. Maybe it's just something that brews inside for a while and when it's finally got something it can blame for unleashing itself, it does.

It doesn't make sense, I know. I don't know how to make it make sense because it just doesn't. Eating disorders and mental health issues aren't logical and they don't make sense. That's probably why they are so difficult to treat. I feel like I am in such a dark and unsafe place. I don't know how to fix that, though. I'm at a loss.

This is too difficult to explain and I'm giving myself an headache trying to. I've lost the point of what I am even trying to explain. I didn't even know that was possible, but when you spend 7 hours attempting to finish your blog post, it kind of happens.

Since it is technically Saturday, I hope today is much better. I can't sleep and it's 5am and.. *sighs* I'm exhausted. My sleeping routine is none existent and I'm just tired. It's making me fed up and grumpy and not a very sociable human being. I pity people spending time with me because I am not fun lately at all. I'm just really... Not someone I would want to spend time with.

I don't know what else to write despite having so much on my mind. I think I am going to lock myself in my room with a bottle of diet coke and try to sleep all weekend. I'm alone all weekend which has kind of scared me and I'm never normally scared of being alone. I live alone so it's never been an issue. I guess I am just scared I'll SI or something. I really don't want to, but I kind of broke the no SI thing ages ago. In fact, the only thing I haven't done is take laxatives. 1 out of 3 isn't totally bad.. The sleep part of my plan is most likely not going to happen which means I'll have a weekend of thinking about everything, but it'll be okay. Things have to start getting better at some point. I hope. It's been 13 years. I think I deserve a break.

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 19 July 2012

The darkness is soothing

See how delicious my lunch looked? So much green stuff going on there haha. Since I didn't even eat half of it, my grand total of calories was 71 calories.



I don't think I have ever started a post talking about what I have eaten. Come to think of it, I don't think I hardly talk about what I have eaten. Why do I never talk about what I have eaten? Or what I weigh? Mind screw right there.

Anyway. I'm typing this in the darkness of my room where I have spent the evening since I didn't want to go out. I've not wanted to go out in ages for some reason. It's much more peaceful to just spend an evening doing nothing. It's somewhat of a comfort to just turn all the lights off, close the door to people, turn the tv off and just breathe. I think I sometimes spend too much time doing so many things that I forget to just breathe. I guess it's easy to forget that we all need time to just think and be alone.

I've made the three day hump in regards to binging. Right now it feels really strange to be not eating what I was eating and to actually say no to things. I think that always feels strange, though. Saying no just comes really difficult to me because I always think I am going to offend someone or something which is utterly stupid. Saying no is something that should just come naturally. But this is me we are talking about. I'm a... difficult person. ;)

I have decided I am going to wait until we are about to leave here to weigh myself, and then I will wait until I return home at the end of August to weigh again. I'm not buying any scales to take with me because 1) it would be pointless since I have no idea if they are accurate. My faith tends to rely in my own scales and the the scales at my GP's. They both tend to match each other so my trust stays with them. Other scales just seem to throw any number at me. And 2) I can't be bothered. I'm (fortunately) currently in a 'not completely obsessing over the scales because I am completely obsessing over calories and exercise' phase. Whether it will stay like this is a mystery, but for now I will take it.

I don't really have much to say. Today was kind of dull and not very exciting. I've got the day to myself tomorrow so I think I am going to hit the workout train since I took it slightly easier today than I normally would. I definitely intend to kick my own arse tomorrow.

 I hope everyone is well.

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Good few days

Finding Nemo 2 is apparently in the works to be released in 2016! I am so excited at that! And Monsters Inc follow up will be out at some point! I feel like a huge kid, but how can anyone NOT be excited about them two films?! I love Dory and Mike Wasowski. :)

I've actually worked out these last two days and not binged. Yay. I am so tired now, though. It's probably because I never know when to stop exercising. If I am working out, I end up doing it for hours. I don't think I actually know how to put healthy limits on things. I am such an 'all or nothing' kind of person.

We leave for France on Wednesday. I'm getting more excited for it. Probably more so because I seem to be dealing with the b/p cycle more. Well, cutting out the binging at least. The purging always stays whether restricting or binging. Woo, bulimia. *sarcasm* I just need to keep a control on food when over there. That shouldn't be too hard because me and my friends have decided to go on a bit of an health kick.

Speaking of which, I went grocery shopping today and wow. I didn't panic or anything which was such a nice surprise. It doesn't happen very often and 9.9 times out of 10, I freak out and spend hours in there, only to buy nothing. I think I was in and out within an hour today and with only healthy food. Even if I ate a huge amount, it wouldn't be high enough in calories to be a binge. So expensive to eat healthy, though. Utterly ridiculous.

I think I might start going swimming as well as the gym when I go home. I've seen a long sleeved swimming top thing that I want to buy to cover my arms because I am definitely not the type of person who is comfortable showing scars. No, no. I can't wait to be able to do a proper workout though.

I should probably go and see my GP when I get back from France, too. I was meant to go months ago and yeah. That totally didn't happen. I sorta like making appointments because it pushes me so much further into restricting. I do hate making them for the fact I have to talk about things. I do need to see him, though. Maybe. I need to go to the dentist as well. I hate the dentist. I freaking hate it! It makes me so anxious. I don't even want to think about it because even that makes me anxious. I guess I can't keep putting it off...

Right. Bed is calling me and I am far too tired to construct sentences that make sense.
Plus I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Le sigh.

I hope you've all had a pleasant day. :-)

Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 15 July 2012

Bleh

I didn't go to the college thing if anyone remembers me talking about it ages ago. I should have because I won two awards. I was Student of The Year and something about attendance. I feel bad that I didn't go just because I felt too fat. I really wanted to go, too. Now I have to meet a kid I am not overly fond of and get the two awards. There is somewhat of a lesson in this story. I don't even know when I'll end up meeting him because he's in South Africa and I'm in Dublin preparing for my trip to France. Sigh.

I've gained so much weight since college finished. All I seem to do to cure the boredom is eat and it's driving me crazy. Especially being here in Dublin and like this because it's so much harder to get out of binge mode when I'm around people who are constantly eating. I'm here for another 2ish weeks too and then I'm off to France. It's fun, don't get me wrong, to be doing things over the holidays, but all I want to do is restrict and workout and it's so hard to do that when you are spending time with other people in different countries.

I wonder if the hotel has a gym. I need to do something or I am going to go back to college so much bigger. I've already gained 15lbs or so, (I don't trust these scales because they aren't mine) and it's depressing. The only good thing is I haven't turned to cutting or any other behaviour because of it which is what I normally do. Though I did just burn my finger on the oven and it fricking hurts. Injuries seem to always hurt much when they are real accidents. Self harm doesn't seem to hurt as much for some reason.

Dublin. France. I sort of just want to go home and pretend nothing exists until the end of August. Especially the eating disorder. Honestly, this will sound kind of sick but if you've had a mixture of eating disorders you could maybe understand, I preferred the anorexia to this. Fuck, I preferred the constant throwing up and stuff to this constant binging. I think preferred is the wrong word. No, it definitely is the wrong word. I just hate the mixture of binging and throwing up.

I hate binging.
I hate the word binging because is sounds freaking stupid, haha.

I am, however, semi glad we aren't going to Italy like I wanted because I would definitely come back home 10 kilos heavier. I'd have to try absolutely everything. Plus , since Italy knocked England out of the Euro 2012, I'm not the greatest fan. ;)

Ugh. This download/upload/what-the-hell-ever is going so slowly. Screw my friend with a rusty screw for asking me to put How I Met Your Mother into a blog for her.

I hate binging. Have I said that already? Ugh. I've gained way too much weight.

How skinny are them two sisters on White Chicks? I mean the two rich bitchy ones. Obviously not the Wayan brothers, though they aren't exactly huge lol.

I think I am going to watch the end of White Chicks and go to bed. Since tomorrow is Monday, maybe this binging and rubbish will magically disappear. I've got to sort this shit out by the time I go to France. I'm just tired of it. At least tomorrow is Monday, though. It's not like you can start over on any other day. :P If only I could snap my bank card. Then I would have no money and then I couldn't binge. Or eat. Or do anything. I would so snap it if I didn't need it. Bloody vacations.

I need to catch up on blogs. On everything internet related, actually. On real life things, too. I feel like I need a huge catch up with everyone in Starbucks or something.

I hope you're all okay.
xxxx