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Friday, 15 June 2012

Realisations

I feel super awkward writing this in the college library. I have no idea why since it isn't like anyone can see what I am doing or writing.

I've got like, 7 hours of science to do today. I've got Physics and Chemistry down, just Biology to go. I like Biology and I have an hour break, so it isn't all bad. There is only 4 of us though. At first it was just me, Umesh and army guy. Anyone of you remember me writing about him last August/September on my induction day? Probably not. But he looked like he was just meant to be in the army and was quite cute. Anyway. He's so gay! I was quite disappointed actually because he was cute. But he's really friendly. I wish he had been in my class actually because we get along really well.

Still sucks he is gay, though. ;)

I came to a crashing realisation yesterday whilst watching the football, something I have been doing pretty much every day with the Euro cup going on. I came to the realisation that I need to work on the purging, lax abuse and self harm. I stopped doing them before and I can do it again. It definitely will not be easy, but it's worth it. It's not recovery in any sense. I'm not attempting to work on the fasting or restriction etc. Just the three things mentioned. Especially since I just got accepted for the bone marrow register and I desperately want to start donating blood again. I want to be a little bit healthier because the laxs and purging are really screwing up my body. Neither are a good idea when you already have an heart and kidney condition anyway.

This is going to suck, but I need to get some control over them to ensure the next three years of college go well so the prospect of going to Medical School become a reality. I wouldn't even mind if I only managed to sort out the self harming and the laxative abuse. 2 habits kicked is much better than none. Especially since it is those two things that I am sick and tired of and I find it easier working on them two before the actual eating disorder. Once them two are under control, it's a little easier to have a little normality in life.

So yes. I just need to put them into action.

I'm debating whether to take my books down to the canteen and get something to eat, or wait until I go home. I'm super hungry, though. But college food sucks. Decisions, decisions. I'll put it off until I go home. I'll have to have something to eat then anyway since the England match is on and me and friends are going to have a few drinks.

I should do some revision whilst I am waiting for Biology. I wish I had remembered to bring my iPhone charger. I prefer the music on the iPhone to the music on the BlackBerry. Le sigh.

Right. Revision, revision, revision... Food. Haha. I'm going to have to go and get something to eat. Even if it is only to shut my stomach up. I just need to find somewhere that does decent low cal stuff. Knowing my luck, I will end up on a 45 minute walk and not find anything I want. It always tends to happen.

Take care
xxxx

3 comments:

  1. Good luck revising - I am supposed to be doing this too.. lol "hi procrastination" lol Getting the lax and self harm under control seems like a good plan I find its easier to tackle bits too.. Good luck hun! much love x

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  2. Big things happen in small steps. -hug- Good luck with stopping the self harm and purging and laxatives. We're all rooting for you luv.

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  3. never stop believing you can achieve ur dreams
    it will all be worth it in the end
    dont let mental health problems stop you doing what you love and want to do
    it doesnt have to be a life sentence
    much love
    xx

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