Saturday, 23 June 2012

No Internet :(

It sucks. I never have any idea what to do when I can't waste my entire day on the computer lol. Thank goodness for Starbucks and McDonalds having wifi.

I'm off back to Ireland on Wednesday for two weeks. It'll be Friday if I end up going to this college thing. I'm only going to go if people I know are going too. I don't want to go alone no matter how much I like my tutors. Old tutors I should say since yesterday was my last official day on my course. Kind of sucks, but one of the guys doing the same course as me in September was quite cute. I do miss the people, though, because believe it or not, we actually all became sort of 'friends' in the end.

I had my exams yesterday, too. I actually have no faith in the Chemistry one I took. Chemistry 1a just isn't my friend. Biology 1a and 1b was simple and Physics 1b was... Well, it was Physics haha. It was easier than Chemistry, though. In reality, Chemistry wasn't the worst exam I have ever done. It just wasn't my favourite out of the four to do. I just have to wait for my results now. The end of August can't come fast enough.

However, I do need to lose a lot of weight this summer. I ended this term 14lbs higher than what I have started. My lowest weight these past 12 months is 25lbs lower than what I am now. My highest is 20ish pounds heavier. No matter what way I look at it, my reaction is just ugh. I definitely have to work on it. I just need to knock this binging on the head. I've even thinking about slowly adapting a vegan diet rather than just vegetarian. It would make more sense because it cuts out foods I cannot eat anyway and it cuts out the things I tend to binge on.

I have no idea if I'll be able to maintain a vegan diet on Ireland, but I definitely would be able to when I come back. I guess I could use the next 2 or 3 weeks to slowly cut things out rather than fully cut them out. It'll also cut the chances of binging down, too.

I've finally got more time to do more running and gym. I'm so happy about that so I'm going to finally renew my gym membership after Ireland. I saw no point in paying for it these last few
months because I had no time to go. It means new running shoes, too. I love buying running shoes and I've seen the perfect pair!

I feel like the third wheel with friends. Not because they are in relationships, but because I don't seem to fit in anymore. I never really did to be fair. It just sucks to see everyone make plans and not be involved in them. Especially when you think you are actually good friends. I've never really fitted in with people, though. Especially not people my age. It just sucks when you actually need people around you and there is no one. But they expect you to be there for them when they have problems or need something. I guess it reminds me why I am not such a huge people person. Other people and me rarely seem to be on the same page, and when we are, it's always someone a lot older than me that understands. Unfortunately, I don't know many older people. Or people that don't suck as people. Whatever. I'm not exactly a social person. In the most awkward person around people that you will actually meet, haha.

I should have internet that isn't from my phone from Friday. Well, I will definitely have it in Ireland. I just need to have it at home already. There's only so much exercising and TV a girlcan take.

Take care

Friday, 15 June 2012


I feel super awkward writing this in the college library. I have no idea why since it isn't like anyone can see what I am doing or writing.

I've got like, 7 hours of science to do today. I've got Physics and Chemistry down, just Biology to go. I like Biology and I have an hour break, so it isn't all bad. There is only 4 of us though. At first it was just me, Umesh and army guy. Anyone of you remember me writing about him last August/September on my induction day? Probably not. But he looked like he was just meant to be in the army and was quite cute. Anyway. He's so gay! I was quite disappointed actually because he was cute. But he's really friendly. I wish he had been in my class actually because we get along really well.

Still sucks he is gay, though. ;)

I came to a crashing realisation yesterday whilst watching the football, something I have been doing pretty much every day with the Euro cup going on. I came to the realisation that I need to work on the purging, lax abuse and self harm. I stopped doing them before and I can do it again. It definitely will not be easy, but it's worth it. It's not recovery in any sense. I'm not attempting to work on the fasting or restriction etc. Just the three things mentioned. Especially since I just got accepted for the bone marrow register and I desperately want to start donating blood again. I want to be a little bit healthier because the laxs and purging are really screwing up my body. Neither are a good idea when you already have an heart and kidney condition anyway.

This is going to suck, but I need to get some control over them to ensure the next three years of college go well so the prospect of going to Medical School become a reality. I wouldn't even mind if I only managed to sort out the self harming and the laxative abuse. 2 habits kicked is much better than none. Especially since it is those two things that I am sick and tired of and I find it easier working on them two before the actual eating disorder. Once them two are under control, it's a little easier to have a little normality in life.

So yes. I just need to put them into action.

I'm debating whether to take my books down to the canteen and get something to eat, or wait until I go home. I'm super hungry, though. But college food sucks. Decisions, decisions. I'll put it off until I go home. I'll have to have something to eat then anyway since the England match is on and me and friends are going to have a few drinks.

I should do some revision whilst I am waiting for Biology. I wish I had remembered to bring my iPhone charger. I prefer the music on the iPhone to the music on the BlackBerry. Le sigh.

Right. Revision, revision, revision... Food. Haha. I'm going to have to go and get something to eat. Even if it is only to shut my stomach up. I just need to find somewhere that does decent low cal stuff. Knowing my luck, I will end up on a 45 minute walk and not find anything I want. It always tends to happen.

Take care

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Holidays have begun

Is anyone aware how nice it is to turn that 5am alarm clock off until September?

I forgot to ask my Science tutor what it was I am meant to revise for my Physics and Chemistry resits when I left his lesson on Friday lol. I guess I am not stuck revising all of the stuff we went over in class.

Fun stuff.

I can't wait until exams are over. I won't have a reason to be on the computer daily (revising) and that means I will be away from so much shitty drama. I'm sick of drama. It's quite something when you actually have less drama going on in real life than you do online. Whatever. Fuck people, right?

I should have my head in a Maths/Chemistry/Physics/Biology book right now. It seems like doing absolutely nothing is far more interesting than revising. I just cannot be bothered at all. I should be doing more Maths since it's on the 11th and 13th. I can't say I am excited for the calculator one. I hate the calculator paper. On my mocks, I did equally as good in both papers (same grade, 1 mark difference), but I really, really hate using a calculator. I hate using them as much as I hate showing my working out.

It kind of hit me that I am done with college for the year. Actually... Done. It feels kind of weird. I'm not used to staying up until noon and sleeping until 4pm anymore. I'm not used to having no structure with my days. Weird. At least I'll be getting my gym membership back in 2 weeks. I can kill a few hours there each day. 

Still, I don't remember being bummed about leaving high school in 2009. Hell, I was ecstatic! And it just hit me I left high school three years ago. Three years. Oh my gosh. What have I done in three years? Apart from this year at college, my last job and nearly joining the British Army but breaking my leg before basic training, not a lot. I can't believe it's been so long since I left school. It definitely does not feel it.

Anyhoo. I think I am going to go for a walk when it gets a little bit lighter. 03:00am isn't the most ideal time to be walking around. I'm just so utterly bored. It isn't like I can call any friends or anything since a) it's 03:00am, and b) what are friends these days? That forever alone guy popped into my head then haha. But seriously, I've noticed that the older you get, the harder it is to make friends. I have no idea how adults do it. It's not like primary school where you just walk up to a kid and start playing skip rope or whatever it is 5 years olds do these days.

I can't believe it is June. If thinking what I had done in the last 3 years was hard, these last 6 months are even harder! Half way through yet another year. That means there is only 6ish months left of being a teenager. Why is it June already? I don't want to be closer to being 20. :/

I think I feel sick. Not sick, sick. That kind of sick from not eating. My mind likes the not eating part. I, however, do not like the sick part. Especially since I am about to go and workout. Yes, I am going to work out at this insane time of morning because I am bored. Not even Facebook has anything interesting going on.

Take care