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Monday, 28 May 2012

Only this week left

I've got Tuesday to Friday at college and then I am done. It feels so weird. I am definitely looking forward to not having to wake up at 5am just to get ready though. If I am waking up at 5am over the holidays, it will be because I plan to go for a run or something. Not spend over an hour on the bus haha. The weather has been lovely lately which makes the journey to college a little nicer IF the windows are open. I just hope it's not as warm tomorrow though. If it is, it will be so hard to focus during my exam. It's really humid and uncomfortable.

My exam is tomorrow. I'm getting really nervous now. It's 2 hours and 15 minutes and it honestly feels like it isn't enough. Especially for some of the questions. You have like, 15 minutes each for the first three, 30 minutes for the fourth, 25 minutes for the fifth and 35 minutes for the sixth. The first three are kind of long though. The fourth one is the most annoying. I hate comparing language features. It's irritates the heck out of me. So I guess I should go to bed early tonight. Well, at least once the laxatives have kicked in haha. Got to love them things.

I keep having thoughts that I shouldn't do medicine. That I wouldn't be able to do it anyway. I think it's just the ED and things trying to take away everything I want, but I don't know. I sort of believe it and I don't think I'd be totally shocked if I couldn't do it. Who wants a cray-cray doctor? Who wants a doctor with scars up and down their arms? The interview alone will probably fail me. The medical assessment will most likely definitely fail me. It's so stupid to have these thoughts because it's all I've ever wanted to do. Apart from when I was 5 and said I would be an English teacher haha. 
But yeah. I don't know. I think it's just the self destruct thing to be honest. What if it isn't though? What if this is me really not wanting to be a doctor? I don't know if I could deal with that. It seems to have become pretty much my identity to people. And to me. It would be terrifying to remove that part of who I am. I guess it's the same with removing the eating disorder. I don't want to consider not wanting to be a doctor. Like I said, it's probably just the self destruct side of me of me thinking this BS. I shouldn't even waste my time giving it any thought, but there is a minute part of me that almost believes it and I don't want to.

I seem to be having a teenage life crisis haha. It's just another thing to add to the large pot of crap I think/question. I have so many of these things on my mind and I need to ignore them until tomorrow afternoon.

There is just too much going on. It just makes the ED so much worse. All I seem to do lately is binge. Binge. Purge. Take laxatives. Self harm. When things get too much, I either do what I have been doing or sway to what I seem to be now doing. Replacing the binging with not eating. It's like a never ending spiral. The only thing I like is, when I don't eat, I don't have to see the numbers get higher. I hate how much weight I have gained recently. It's just ridiculous. I'm sick of not liking what I weigh. I never will like it. I could wake up and be 90lbs and still hate it. I think I hate me more than my weight. Hate me or hate being me? Hmm.... Probably a combo of the both.

I'm just so tired of this. Tired of everything. This isn't be being suicidal or anything I must add. 

I'm just tired of being tired and sick of being sick. 

Take care
xxxx

8 comments:

  1. hun just found your blog, and I feel like that too, like I hate myself, and I experienced/am experiencing the same thing that you are, thinking you wont be good enough to do med or be a doctor.. let me tell you something, from when I was little I wanted to be a doctor, I got to college and freaked out and changed all my subjects from sciences to humanities, and thought I would follow my other seemingly easier ambition of becoming a barrister. All my life I wanted to go to Oxford, I had even gone on open days, chosen which college I wanted to go to and even stayed there. Then when I was applying for uni, I thought "I am not good enough, I wont get in" and I didnt even apply, despite meeting all the entry requirements. Straight away I had blown my dreams by not even trying. And now I have lost even more confidence in myself, so I guess what I am tying to say is.. fight that voice in your head that wants you to believe you're not good enough, how will you know if you never try? Dont let these feelings take away your dreams, dont let them take away the life you deserve to live. Believe me, you may live to regret and resent that voice, like I do every day. If only I had fought it, maybe right now I would be happy.

    Sorry for the super long post, my bad, lovin your blog by the way, much love! xx

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  2. I'm sorry you're so down hun. Hopefully the lovely weather and being done with school will imrove your mood. I was in the sun all day today and I felt a bit better for awhile. Stay strong and keep striving forward.
    XOXO

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  3. I've always read the best thing to eat in the morning before a test is oatmeal and an orange. IDK why. lol! But hey, both of those are super healthy, so I think that would be an advantage too :)

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  4. i'm sorry you arent feeling so good atm :/ good luck in your exam though, xo.

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  5. The best doctors are the ones who have been through life as we have. At least, that's how I feel.
    I understand exactly what you mean though, I'm in school to be a doctor too, but I'm going for psychology. At first I though, who's going to want a shrink with an ED, but then I realized that my experiences will have made me the best person for the job. Same goes for you, who better than you will be able to recognize the signs, will be able to understand exactly how your patient is feeling, will be able to offer firsthand advice? You will. You'll make a fabulous doctor <3
    I'm sure it's just stress making you not want to be a doctor, but hey, even if you finish school and decide that's not your thing, a) you'll have tons of stuff to fall back on with a degree like that, and b) lots of people do that, you're not alone.
    Goodluck on your exam! I'm sure things will get so much better after it's over <3 xo

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  6. Good luck with your exams! Revise and make sure you get plenty of sleep :) Keep your head up and think positive! xx

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  7. Oh dng, good luck.
    With it all.
    Finding yourself never ends; but you deserve a rest once in a while.

    I love you, darling.
    x

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  8. I so understand you too. I am trying to get my life back on track and have to carry the scars on my arms around with me. The ED comes and goes, as does the self-harm, but deep down I know I have something to give people. I care, and all of you do too because otherwise you wouldn't be responding or blogging in the first place. KEEP THE FAITH!! All things are possible.

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