I've got Tuesday to Friday at college and then I am done. It feels so weird. I am definitely looking forward to not having to wake up at 5am just to get ready though. If I am waking up at 5am over the holidays, it will be because I plan to go for a run or something. Not spend over an hour on the bus haha. The weather has been lovely lately which makes the journey to college a little nicer IF the windows are open. I just hope it's not as warm tomorrow though. If it is, it will be so hard to focus during my exam. It's really humid and uncomfortable.
My exam is tomorrow. I'm getting really nervous now. It's 2 hours and 15 minutes and it honestly feels like it isn't enough. Especially for some of the questions. You have like, 15 minutes each for the first three, 30 minutes for the fourth, 25 minutes for the fifth and 35 minutes for the sixth. The first three are kind of long though. The fourth one is the most annoying. I hate comparing language features. It's irritates the heck out of me. So I guess I should go to bed early tonight. Well, at least once the laxatives have kicked in haha. Got to love them things.
I keep having thoughts that I shouldn't do medicine. That I wouldn't be able to do it anyway. I think it's just the ED and things trying to take away everything I want, but I don't know. I sort of believe it and I don't think I'd be totally shocked if I couldn't do it. Who wants a cray-cray doctor? Who wants a doctor with scars up and down their arms? The interview alone will probably fail me. The medical assessment will most likely definitely fail me. It's so stupid to have these thoughts because it's all I've ever wanted to do. Apart from when I was 5 and said I would be an English teacher haha.
But yeah. I don't know. I think it's just the self destruct thing to be honest. What if it isn't though? What if this is me really not wanting to be a doctor? I don't know if I could deal with that. It seems to have become pretty much my identity to people. And to me. It would be terrifying to remove that part of who I am. I guess it's the same with removing the eating disorder. I don't want to consider not wanting to be a doctor. Like I said, it's probably just the self destruct side of me of me thinking this BS. I shouldn't even waste my time giving it any thought, but there is a minute part of me that almost believes it and I don't want to.
I seem to be having a teenage life crisis haha. It's just another thing to add to the large pot of crap I think/question. I have so many of these things on my mind and I need to ignore them until tomorrow afternoon.
There is just too much going on. It just makes the ED so much worse. All I seem to do lately is binge. Binge. Purge. Take laxatives. Self harm. When things get too much, I either do what I have been doing or sway to what I seem to be now doing. Replacing the binging with not eating. It's like a never ending spiral. The only thing I like is, when I don't eat, I don't have to see the numbers get higher. I hate how much weight I have gained recently. It's just ridiculous. I'm sick of not liking what I weigh. I never will like it. I could wake up and be 90lbs and still hate it. I think I hate me more than my weight. Hate me or hate being me? Hmm.... Probably a combo of the both.
I'm just so tired of this. Tired of everything. This isn't be being suicidal or anything I must add.
I'm just tired of being tired and sick of being sick.