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Monday, 23 April 2012

Just... Whatever

I am so cold and tired and just worn out. 
I feel I have been doing so much when I have actually been doing next to nothing.
I guess I'm just in one of those depressed slumps and all blah.

I haven't weighed myself since Friday morning (it's now technically Monday), and I don't know whether that is adding to the blah feeling or actually helping by not making it more blah. 

I don't think I even care to be honest. 
The numbers are never enough. 
When they are low, you never see it anyway.
It's just never enough.
Nothing you do is ever enough.

I might just wait until I eat again to weigh.
I don't know.
But then, when do I intend to start eating again?
Who knows?
I want to say never but... Yeah.
I'm pretty sure I don't know anything.
The longer I have this, the more unsure of everything I become lol.

I have English work to do but I am not doing it.
She said I didn't have to because, "You're good at English."
Her words, not mine.
I agree with her though.
Got to be a first that I've agreed with someone saying I am good at something. :P

I look pale and sick according to a friend and tutors.
I said I was poorly.
Sick thing is, I took it as a compliment.
Even sicker is the fact I want to look sick.
Really sick.
I'm really twisted, I know.
It makes me so glad I have no one around (family etc) that I can hurt with being like this.
I can only hurt me.
But never enough.

This post is all over the place tonight.
Sorry.
I can't even get my thoughts together properly.
Ever since being triggered it's just been a downward spiral thing.
I'm so tired and I'm sick of it.
Then again, I'm sick of being ill and I don't do anything about it.
Just complain haha.

Which reminds me I am meant to see my doctor.
Wait! How on earth did what I write remind me of the doctors?
Maybe it was the complain bit...
Anyway, I've been meant to see him for weeks.
I've been putting it off because I don't feel sick enough.
Which, you know, is funny.
If I'm not eating, I'm purging my drinks. 
If I am eating, I'm purging everything I eat.
I exercise way too bloody much.
I self harm way too bloody much.
I guess the only good thing is I haven't been taking laxatives.

Whatever.
I'm off to exercise and have a Family Guy marathon.
I can't be bothered thinking anymore.
It makes the brain hurt.

Take care
xxxx

6 comments:

  1. All of that on your mind must be a struggle, you can do it hun. Find solace in your honesty :)

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  2. That's a lot going on, honey.
    Do you have anyone you can talk to? A teacher, doctor, friend... Sometimes talking, even if it doesn't feel like it makes sense, can help so much.
    *hugs* Take it easy missy. xxx

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  3. Things WILL be okay.
    Things WILL get better.
    YOU will be okay.
    YOU will get better.

    These things above might take weeks, months, even years, but they will improve.
    You should talk to your doctor. Nevermind not feeling sick enough or not thin enough because there is no such thing.

    You'll never be thin enough until you are dead. You'll never be sick enough until you are dead.

    Talk to him. He can help. He can do so much to help you if YOU let him. Just be honest with him. Don't hold anything back. It's hard to do so. God it is hard! But is it worth it? That's the most important thing. Would it help? It definitely couldn't make anything worse, could it?

    Stay safe and try to take care of yourself. Even if you don't want to. xxx

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  4. Oh, love, I feel like I could have once written this. I wish I knew a way to make you feel better. I can tell you that you'll never be alone, and that everything - good or bad - will always change in time. Change is the only constant thing in life; funny how that is. The depression will come and go and come and go; sometimes all you can do is ride the wave.

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  5. There are some days when I want to feel badly, depressed, sick or something in that way. I wish I could eat nothing, loving tastes in the same time. This is all weird.

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  6. i was thinking the very same thing on my way to work today. i try so hard and it's just never enough. i try to think what else can i take away or what else can i do to make it lower but it never seems to simply be enough. sometimes all these thoughts just wears you out i guess. *when they are low, you never see it anyway* so true!
    try to keep your spirits up and if you can keep some nutrition down, perhaps it may help your mood. the weather is no help either though, a little sunshine goes a long way.

    anyway, feel better and thanks for following and commenting :)lu

    ReplyDelete