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Saturday, 28 April 2012

Past few days

Is it wrong to want someone to get hit by a bus? Fall of a bridge? Choke on their food?
Yeah?
Even if that person is family?
Still a yes?

Le sigh.

Families are the most pointless thing I have ever come across and when you add family to Facebook, it's almost suicide worthy. Honestly, they are both so pathetic. Life would be much more simple without all that unnecessary drama.

The happy feeling of Wednesday disappeared the next day. I got to college earlier than normal despite stopping off at Starbucks and was talking to Christine about random stuff when she told me R* wasn't coming back to college because her dad had died. R* was the only person I really liked and got along with in my class and I tried for like, 5 minutes not to cry before crying. I feel stupid when I cry and always end up laughing to try and stop. It's got to be amusing to witness.

All the way through the Maths test (which was ridiculously easy by the way) and English sucked because all that was in my head was R* not coming back. It sucked even more since I seem to have gained a leech aka P*. P* is my least favourite person in the class along with L* and K*. P* more so because she is so ridiculously stupid. I probably sound a bitch, but stupid people just piss me off. Especially when they don't even attempt to do anything. I understand a lot of people aren't academic, but most people are able to withstand an intelligent conversation about things. P* is incapable of that.

Friday was good for the simple fact I had one hour of Biology and my next lesson was cancelled which was a blessing because it is the shittiest, most mind crippling, pointless lesson ever. I just ended up going for a really long walk and completing all my Biology booklet that I was only meant to do 41 pages of. I was going to do my English work (descriptive writing thing) but decided I'll do it Monday instead. That way I get the weekend to myself and can workout/sleep/relax.

22 days until I can weigh myself and they seem to be going so slowly. I don't know if it is a good thing or bad thing, probably good ED wise, but not weighing in for long periods of time make me not want to eat because I won't be able to see the 'damage' the food has done. Meh.

I just should get some Chemistry/Physics revision in today. I'm so tired though which is probably because I haven't slept. I've got a friend coming over tonight so I might attempt to get some sleep. I don't even care about messing my sleeping pattern up anymore since I never seem to get any sleep until 6pm and wake up around 9pm. Then I have to endure college and everything whilst insanely tired and I always feel extremely rude if I yawn during class. Same if I am staring at the clock when lessons are dragging. I used to chat with R* when class was dull and now I have to just grin and bear it.

Le sigh. Life is a bitch. It always finds a way to take away the things that give you some joy. Sucks. If it's not life that does that, it's the eating disorder.

I hope you are all having a more stimulating weekend than I am.
At least I have hot chocolate.

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

English makes me smile

I got my final English assessment back today and got an A*.
I own Shakespeare! ;)
I got a B on my mock exam, realised where I went wrong and know how to get an A*.
All good.
It's definitely not bad when I spent 40 minutes on the first question before realising there was 5 others lol.
Cue a major spaz attack to write as fast as I could. xD

English (and tutorial) makes me kind of happy.
I think it's a mixture of tutors and the work.
I love writing and reading and them things.
It allows you to lose yourself/the sense of yourself for a while.

Thanks for the comments on the last post.
Things are still crap, but it's fine.
It's easy to get like that, harder to get out of it, right?

I have a mock Maths test in the morning.
Cannot be bothered in the slightest.
I'll revise a bit in a few hours once I have gone to the gym.
It won't be hard since I passed the calculator one with no studying.
Obviously I'll study for the real one though.

Since I have done my English and tutorial homework, I'm taking it as it's okay to go to the gym.
I've done some work at the very least.
I'll get a workout in before bed because I am so tired.
My sleeping pattern is completely out of wack.
I hate it.
I'm so tired.
I've spent the entire day just yawning.

I need to buy some new jeans and a coat.
Every store seems to think it is summer (idiots! This is Britain.) and has no coats/jackets or skinnies.
The only skinnies the seem to have are in stupid colours.
If I wanted pink jeans, I'd buy them. 
Until then, put some proper denim on display!

Stores, they suck as much as the stupid weather.
I am so sick of rain!
It definitely doesn't aid with lifting the mood.
And here the UK is supposedly in a drought.
My arse!
We've had enough rain to sink the country!

I've decided to weigh myself on the 20th May.
No idea why.
It's just a random day before exams start.
And 24 days away.
Not too far away.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 23 April 2012

Just... Whatever

I am so cold and tired and just worn out. 
I feel I have been doing so much when I have actually been doing next to nothing.
I guess I'm just in one of those depressed slumps and all blah.

I haven't weighed myself since Friday morning (it's now technically Monday), and I don't know whether that is adding to the blah feeling or actually helping by not making it more blah. 

I don't think I even care to be honest. 
The numbers are never enough. 
When they are low, you never see it anyway.
It's just never enough.
Nothing you do is ever enough.

I might just wait until I eat again to weigh.
I don't know.
But then, when do I intend to start eating again?
Who knows?
I want to say never but... Yeah.
I'm pretty sure I don't know anything.
The longer I have this, the more unsure of everything I become lol.

I have English work to do but I am not doing it.
She said I didn't have to because, "You're good at English."
Her words, not mine.
I agree with her though.
Got to be a first that I've agreed with someone saying I am good at something. :P

I look pale and sick according to a friend and tutors.
I said I was poorly.
Sick thing is, I took it as a compliment.
Even sicker is the fact I want to look sick.
Really sick.
I'm really twisted, I know.
It makes me so glad I have no one around (family etc) that I can hurt with being like this.
I can only hurt me.
But never enough.

This post is all over the place tonight.
Sorry.
I can't even get my thoughts together properly.
Ever since being triggered it's just been a downward spiral thing.
I'm so tired and I'm sick of it.
Then again, I'm sick of being ill and I don't do anything about it.
Just complain haha.

Which reminds me I am meant to see my doctor.
Wait! How on earth did what I write remind me of the doctors?
Maybe it was the complain bit...
Anyway, I've been meant to see him for weeks.
I've been putting it off because I don't feel sick enough.
Which, you know, is funny.
If I'm not eating, I'm purging my drinks. 
If I am eating, I'm purging everything I eat.
I exercise way too bloody much.
I self harm way too bloody much.
I guess the only good thing is I haven't been taking laxatives.

Whatever.
I'm off to exercise and have a Family Guy marathon.
I can't be bothered thinking anymore.
It makes the brain hurt.

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Come and endure my ramblings

I got an A* in Chemistry 1b! One question wrong overall which is not what I was expecting. I got a B in Physics 1a too which is alright.

I did get a D in Chemistry 1a and a C in Physics 1b though, so I am resitting them in June with Biology.
The grade boundaries this time were so ridiculous. Unbelievably ridiculous. They always seem to be in March for some reason. I was 1 mark away from a A instead of B, 1 mark away from a B instead of C and 1 mark away from a C instead of D. How unlucky is that? But I'll resit and attempt to get A's at least. The AQA board is so shite.

AQA needs destroying. Funny how it's the bad grades I focus on rather than the good ones.

I don't know whether to trade the B in too. I could keep the B, aim for 2 A*'s in Biology, a A* in Chemistry and Physics resits and aim for A/A* in my ISA and still get an overall A*

I could do that. I have to do that.

It's killing the perfectionist inside me to have a C and D even though them two marks are better than what the rest of the class got. Grades are pretty much my only trigger too which is sucky.

So triggering. I definitely have no desire to eat.


I need to start spending more time studying rather than letting ED things rule everything. It's so hard not to though. I've never mastered trying to focus more on other things rather than the ED. I have no idea how to. I mean, I know the concept and how to theoretically do so, but I can't put the theory into practice. Even now, I'm meant to be revising for my written part of my ISA and all I am focused on is exercising, weight, numbers...

I need an off switch for things.

Anyway, that is way more than enough exam talk. At least tomorrow is the last one until the week starting the 21st of May. Tomorrow is the last day people will have to endure me talking about it for a few weeks haha.

I don't think I am drinking enough fluids throughout the day. I never get thirsty so I never remember to drink anything. I am starting to realise I hardly drink a bottle of water though and that isn't good. Especially when you haven't eaten. Drinking seems such a chore though. I think that might be why my body aches too. I feel I have done some serious working out and I can't say I have.

I should be working out more, though.

I complain a lot, don't I? I am so annoying, I know. I'm off to bed though, so you don't have to read my moaning anymore. :P I need some sleep or I will die. My sleeping pattern is pretty much non existent lately and I feel like crap because of it.

Take care
xxxx 

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Exams

I had my Science exam thrown at me this morning! Totally surprised since it was meant to be Friday and even more surprised since I had not revised anything haha. Thankfully, I remembered half of it, had another smart person in my group and our tutor helped us despite the fact he wasn't meant to. Shh!

It was actually alright.


I fell asleep when I got home thanks to having no sleep and awoke to a message saying I have a mock English in the morning. I was more shocked about the English than Science! No one can help us 'work' in English. I hate exams right now and I have real ones starting next month.

Le sigh.


I finally got to weigh in this morning and was 9lbs lighter than when I started fasting. That's okay for now. I got past a goal weight, at least. I want to lose another kg by Thursday, though. Results day. At least I have my scales and can weigh in when I want though. I keep saying I'll do it once a week but it's hard not to do it daily.

And I can finally work out properly now!. It's single handedly the best thing about being home. I can pull my strange workout faces without anyone seeing. :P Plus I can do my regular run. I think I am going to start the 30 day shred in the morning. It's one of the best dvds I have done in the past.

I think I am going to watch my recorded Supersize v Superskinny and do an hour on the bike. It's far too cold to go for a run and I'd probably fall over or something because I'm half asleep. :P

I've got a terrible habit of holding on to my collarbones. Subconsciously I must think they are going to fall off or something haha. People keep commenting on it too and I try so hard not to do it, but fail.

Take care
xxxx

Friday, 13 April 2012

Herp Derp

Today has been so utterly boring. I'm literally bored to tears.

I did some writing today for English because our tutor asked us to write over the holidays in preparation for our exams at the end of May. Trouble is, whilst I think it is good, well, okay, it's kind of based all on eating disorders and self destruction etc. It was the only thing I seemed to be able to write about actually.

The only thing on my mind.


I'm debating whether to write something different or just suck it up and give her it. I'm putting way too much thought into this. There is not a chance in hell it can be any worse than anything the rest of the class has done.

I'll just suck it up.


I got my report today. I say 'got'... I got my friend to open it, scan it and email it to me haha. My Science tutor gave me a lovely report! I almost chocked on my tea when I read it! Like, he never gives anyone a good report. Maybe it's because I'm the only one who actually talks to him and isn't a total dipshit. Either way, his report made me happier than Emma's, Richard's and Louise's. I'm going to ask him if he was on drunk when I see him on Tuesday. ;)

He predicted me a B.


I got all my predictions too. Science = B. English = B. Maths = C since Richard is slightly stupid and entered me in foundation instead of higher. Le sigh.

I want above a B in Science.


This no scales thing is killing me. Almost as much as how slowly today is going. I hate not knowing what I weigh. It's like not knowing how many calories are in what you ate. Slow torture.

Still fat no matter what the number, though.


I need something to do. I'm slowly going insane. Why couldn't I have chosen today to go and see the Titanic? I'd continue reading a book I bought last night but I have no concentration to do so. No concentration but a ton of energy. It makes no sense and it's really annoying. You know when you are manic and want to do a billion things? I'm crazy, I know.

la de da di la crazy. ;)

I'm going to go exercise on the cross trainer and try to get rid of some of this energy. Me and it have become best friends this week. If only I could take it home...

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Wasting time

I'm going through every blog I follow and attempting to comment on them. It's about time people know I do actually read blogs. I'm just far too lazy to comment on them haha.

Plus it keeps me busy and distracted. Busy and distracted mean away from food.

It feels weird to fast and lie about food. I don't have to do that at home since it's just me. It feels really... Weird but fun to lie. Yes, I'm strange haha. You've got to admit though, lying can be fun. Especially to people who are pissing you off. I don't know my current weight which is annoying. I know what it was on day 1 of my fast but it's anyone's guess now. Another reason I can't wait to go home. :)

Today has been pretty good though. I went shopping and ended up buying some lovely dresses. I need to buy some new boots and jeans before going back to college. Finding decent pairs of boots is always difficult. Finding decent boots in my size is even more difficult. God forbid people have small feet. :P

Talking of shoes, if I got at least one B in any of my four exams I took in March, I get two pairs of converse! Hopefully all that revision and no sleep to read Chemistry and Physics books paid off. I've been waiting for the 19th to come for ages, and now it is close, I'm getting all nervous. Mainly because I found them easy. But I also found my Maths exam easy and I passed that with the top mark in the class.

I feel really giddy and happy today so I am going to put that to some use and go for a run. Hopefully I won't get lost. :P

Hopefully you've all had a good day too.

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

It's lovely

Dublin is absolutely gorgeous. I'm going to go home talking like I am from Ireland though haha.

Although it is lovely here, I can't wait to go home. I miss my bed. I always miss my bed when I don't stay at home. My back and body only seem to like my mattress lol.

Call me crazy, but I miss college too. Or maybe it's the people I miss. I quite enjoy some of the conversations I have with friends/tutors there. I think it's more the routine and structure I miss. I never quite know what t do with myself when I don't have a set plan for the day.

Oh my goodness I am cold.

All this time to think has really made me realise I don't really care much about anything anymore. Definitely not about losing weight/eating semi healthy. Not about many people. Not about anything. I semi care about college but that's it, and it's kind of... Pathetic, I guess.

Well, I care about losing weight. Yeah, even more pathetic. I know. I'm actually trying to think of other things I care about apart from the ED/self destruct thing (I don't think care is the right word..), and I can't. That should probably make me sad. But it doesn't.

Does that even make sense? I want to care about something, find the thing I care about pathetic, but actually don't even care much about not caring? Again, did that make sense? Probably not. Things often don't make sense. That I am used to. Things not making any sense at all.

I'm rambling. I tend to do that when I am alone which is quite often. Everyone went out for dinner and drinks tonight but I stayed here because I don't want to eat and I don't particularly want to drink. Alcohol that is. So I'm being all anti social and drinking tea whilst browsing YouTube rather than spending time with having fun. As all normal people do.

Anyway. I'm off to see the Titanic on Saturday. I think I'll go and see The Hunger Games on Monday when I get back home since all kids go back to school that day and I can't be arsed watching the movie with a billion little brats in the cinema. I'm more looking forward to the Titanic than The Hunger Games for some reason. Don't get me wrong, The Hunger Games books are amazing and I've read them 2 million times, but I've seen the Titanic nearly fifteen billion times - okay, slight exaggeration. Maybe only fourteen billion times ;) - and it's one of the best movies made. It's actually one of my distraction movies to watch.

Hope everyone had a good Easter. :)

Take care
xxx

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Gotta get used to this new layout

I've been meaning to post for the last few days and I either get terribly put off by the layout or I am being dragged to do something with my cousin.

I'm in Southampton for part of the holidays which is a nice break. What is also nice is my older cousin is a trainer in the British Army and I'm half spending time with him, half with my friends. Seriously though, the workouts we've all done here is seriously makes me question how fit I am! My shoulders/arms hurt from them push ups against the wall. They are perfectly fine whilst you are doing them and then it hits you in the morning.

I'm debating whether to join my friends and go to Dublin later this week until the end of the holidays. It's not like I have anything to go back home for until the 16th-ish time because I am not back at college until the 17th and Dublin is gorgeous. I seriously love their accents.

Decisions, decisions.

Being down here and away from home is great for tackling the binging though. I'm down 4lbs or so (don't trust these scales though. I don't trust any that aren't my own) since coming down, so I guess that is alright.

Right-io. Gym time. :) I hope you are all having a great Spring holiday.

Take care
xxx