Thursday, 5 January 2012

Day 5 - Such a bad day

Well I found out a trigger today. I don't have many and am not normally bothered by things. They just don't phase me.

Getting a bad grade on a mock exam is the most triggering thing ever! It was such an easy test too! It was Maths! Going through the answers today, I answered every single one of them correct. Every single one. That would have put me at an A* grade. I'm so frustrated with myself for not studying over Christmas. It was far too easy to just try and enjoy myself. God! Maths. My best subject and the thing I find so simple and I got the easiest things wrong. Richard is an arse for making us do the test on the first day back after nearly 3 weeks off.

But yes. Very triggering. Yeah. Bad day. Worst day of the year so far. Funny how one little thing that shouldn't bother you - the mark isn't even a proper mark! - really gets to you. Leading to the obvious... Things we seem to do when triggered. Ugh. Whatever.

It's been an okay start to the year apart from that though. College is going good and things, I guess. It's a nice distraction and it is fantastic to have my regular routine back. apart from Wednesday. I now have to stay until nearly 5pm because have extra Science. So annoying. I can't stand the Science teacher either. I was telling Christine all the reasons why yesterday and she was just laughing. She obviously couldn't put it down on my record thing, but it was nice to talk to someone other than R* about how much of a wanker he is. I dislike him so much. I can't wait until next year when we have all three Science subjects individually and hopefully never have to see him again. He has made me hate Physics with such a passion! I headed onto the course wanting to do Maths, Chemistry, Biology and Physics as A levels. That soon changed to English, Chemistry, Maths and Biology.

Anyway. Enough of my lousy college stuff. It's not all that entertaining, nor is it interesting.

My blades are gone. My notebook with an half written letter to my doctor was on a completely different page. I'm freaking out so much. I feel like an idiot! Oh my gosh. I'm sorry, like, this sounds very random to suddenly start talking about, but fuck me backwards! The only person who could have moved them/got rid of them is D*. But why hasn't he said anything if it is him? Somebody shoot me. Please. I can't deal with people other than the doctor and tutors knowing. Not the boy. Definitely not him. No, no, no... What the...

Today sucks. Today is just crap. Life is crap right now. I really hope I am panicking over nothing. I didn't even think about moving the notebook in particular because... I'm off to bed. Or for a walk. Or something.


Take care


  1. Well looking on te bright side, you will get an A* in the real thing :) my friend is a maths whizz too and she would have got 100% on all three mock moduals, but she put anticlockwise instead of clockwise and lost one Mark on the whole thing! She was livid! she spends hours revising though, it's her life and she gave up on restricting and weightloss for it, so it's to be expected!
    Hope everything else sorts it's self out and you feel happier soon :)
    Lottie x

  2. yikes....loosing a notebook is the worst! Blades too! Shit balls......and the worst part is you cant ask anyone because if they didn't take it then you expose yourself. I hope it all turns up hunny!! And don't let that grade get you down, you're smart and will ace the real test :)

  3. Sorry your stuff is missing. I feel really bad for you and sorry about the test thing. tomorrow is a new day own it!!

  4. Triggers they suck.I am sorry you've found a new one, and that life feels like crap. Hang in there, xx

  5. Breaaaathe. Everything will be alright. Even if it's stressful right now. but it will all work itself out.

  6. Thinking of you dear.
    Life is hard. But we'll get there.

  7. feel better girlie!! things will get better! maybe you moved the notebook without realizing it? I do that a lot haha
    good luck with your grades! I took Art, Maths, Spanish and Chemistry A levels. Fun times!! I wish I could go back sometimes... :-)

    oh and i hate physics!!! i only just barely scraped an A- at uni here in the states. that teacher was out to get me too....

  8. Think hard where you last had it, and search high and low for it :( Is it a silver lining your blades are gone tho? It means you may stop cutting?? :) But do ask them if they have touched any of your stuff, but be casual about it, and obviously don't tell them what they are! Good luck xx

  9. It'll get better darling, If it helps, i'm a big fat failure at all things math and science (I've probably mentioned this before) so on the plus side, you've GOT to be better than me... It's just after chrismas, things will get better! <3 xo

  10. Sorry about bad teacher and mock exam. It must be really frustrating. I hope you do find your missing things. Good luck with everything.

  11. I hope things have only gotten better since you posted this, doll.

  12. soz about the bad day, and the maths mark, but hope things are better! and i really hope no one read your notebook, that's such an invasion of privacy, i'd be livid if that happened!