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Tuesday, 10 January 2012

2012 just isn't for me

It just isn't my year despite the fact it is only 9 days into it.

My nana is in hospital. Due to her diabetes. Irritating to shit that no-one is all that interested in her losing weight, hence her kidneys failing, Irritating to fucking shit. Why the fuck do I come from such an unhealthy freaking family?!

Definitely a part of my ED, but who gives a shit?

I'm scared of being like my family. I really am. Especially in terms of weight. It's killing them and they don't even care. I'm scared for them. Especially my nana. I don't even do family. I wasn't even told she was ill. I had to find out on good old Facebook.

I feel bad. I'm going to go and see her tomorrow. I hope she's alright. I love my nana. She's one of the only ones I get along with in my family and it makes me really sad that she is so ill. /sigh/. I wish she could live with me. I hate how none of them really care about her. I do. I really do. For her to have a perfectly healthy life, I would recover. Honest to God. I would work on every issue I had to the very best of my ability. I don't want to recover or anything, but I would if she was okay. I think we all have a person like that, don't we?

The way they live (my uncle, auntie, grandfather (Grandfather. I probably sound like a posh snob lol) and cousin), she'll most likely die before I even get to medical school. That makes me sad. That makes me not even want to bother with life. What's the point when my nana, a former nurse, is pretty much dying and no one gives a crap? [She used to be a mental health nurse and my biological grandfather was/is a mental health doctor. Ironic, huh?]
I don't even think I would see a point in being around without her. She's the one who believes in me. Someone who cares. It isn't like I have parents who do that shit. I feel like crap because I don't even have he blood type to donate a kidney. Fuck having my dad's genes!

I think I might write a letter to my doctor because I don't feel in a safe enough place. I really don't. I might write him a letter and book an appointment because I really can't do this right now. Bleh. Whatever.

I'm going to write a letter. I don't think I even care about this shit being on my record anymore. There is far too much going on right now. Not just this.. Everything. It's just.. Too much. There is just too much going on. Write the letter, go to bed and post it through through the surgery doors on my way to college. Perks of living next door to the doctors.

Right now it's just a cycle of eat, purge, cut, do stupid shit, drink, cut a bit more, purge...

Repeat.

I'm pretty sick of it. I'm sick of my thoughts. I'm sick of my actions. I'm sick of... Me. Just, yeah. And no, I am not suicidal. Well... But I'm not writing up a goodbye note. Not my style. I don't do that crap.

I'm sorry I am so shitty at replying back lately. I really am. Things in general are just rubbish. I wish I could just be locked away for a week or two. Or 10... I'm tempted to ask if I can actually... I will reply, I promise. I'm pretty shite at blogging/replying at the moment, but I'll get there one day.

Take care
xxxx

11 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your Nana. I hope everything works out okay! My family is the same. My mom and aunt are horribly overweight, and its really taking a tole on my mom's health. I've tried to help her get healthy but she just can't stick to a diet.

    If you're really serious about recovering, maybe this could be a way for you to help your Nana. You could work on your food issues and getting healthy together.

    I hope everything works out. You'll be in my thoughts. :)

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  2. aww i hope your nana gets better soon! if you need to talk to someone and think it will help then you're right to write your doctor. stay strong please?
    x

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  3. Oh honey :(
    I hope your nana is OK..

    Dw abt replying and blogging.. Just take care of you *hugs*

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  4. I'm so sorry your nana is sick!! It's horrible that no one is acting like they care. I become a complete mess either or of my gparents are sick or in the hospital. My fingers crossed for you both!! A speedy recovery!!

    No worries on the no commenting. We all get into our weeks of darnkness and kinda fall off. Just know we are all here for you and if you need to vent we will always listen!

    *hugs & <3*

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  5. I hope your nan gets better :( I'm sorry you feel so bad :( You deserve happiness, not this :( You have so much support behind you here xx

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  6. sounds like you have a bad week love. :( some days all you wanna do is wear comfy clothes, lay in comfy bed, and do whatever the hell you want. you have permission, its your life. sending you all my strength! xoxo

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear about your nana and everything else going on :(
    I think that you might be onto something, writing to your doctor.
    Goodluck! <3 and I'm sure things will get better soon love! xox

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  8. Wish you all good! Too many problems in one time are devastating. I'm feeling frustrated and little bit depressed but I hope this year will turn into something better.

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  9. Oh, love.
    I'm so sorry you're going through this horrid darkness right now; you don't deserve all this pain.
    we love you, dear.
    x

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  10. I hope things turn around for you. :( Lots of hugs.

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  11. Oh my dearest Run, I don't give a flaying fuck about you commenting back so long as you're still alive!

    Yes, write to your doctor, take care of yourself so you Nan can see her Awesome Grandkid is doing the right things for herself, even if the rest of the family are being dicks about their own health.

    I feel the same way sometimes. The only family member who I feel really close to lives 5 hours away in a shaky part of the country. The other person who I loves unreasoningly dies last year. Why stay around if everyone will keep dying? Because others are still alive who will miss you.

    Sending lots of love and e-hugs and healing thoughts to you and your Nan. Please look after yourself and give her lots of hugs, so you get lots of hugs in return.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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