It just isn't my year despite the fact it is only 9 days into it.
My nana is in hospital. Due to her diabetes. Irritating to shit that no-one is all that interested in her losing weight, hence her kidneys failing, Irritating to fucking shit. Why the fuck do I come from such an unhealthy freaking family?!
Definitely a part of my ED, but who gives a shit?
I'm scared of being like my family. I really am. Especially in terms of weight. It's killing them and they don't even care. I'm scared for them. Especially my nana. I don't even do family. I wasn't even told she was ill. I had to find out on good old Facebook.
I feel bad. I'm going to go and see her tomorrow. I hope she's alright. I love my nana. She's one of the only ones I get along with in my family and it makes me really sad that she is so ill. /sigh/. I wish she could live with me. I hate how none of them really care about her. I do. I really do. For her to have a perfectly healthy life, I would recover. Honest to God. I would work on every issue I had to the very best of my ability. I don't want to recover or anything, but I would if she was okay. I think we all have a person like that, don't we?
The way they live (my uncle, auntie, grandfather (Grandfather. I probably sound like a posh snob lol) and cousin), she'll most likely die before I even get to medical school. That makes me sad. That makes me not even want to bother with life. What's the point when my nana, a former nurse, is pretty much dying and no one gives a crap? [She used to be a mental health nurse and my biological grandfather was/is a mental health doctor. Ironic, huh?]
I don't even think I would see a point in being around without her. She's the one who believes in me. Someone who cares. It isn't like I have parents who do that shit. I feel like crap because I don't even have he blood type to donate a kidney. Fuck having my dad's genes!
I think I might write a letter to my doctor because I don't feel in a safe enough place. I really don't. I might write him a letter and book an appointment because I really can't do this right now. Bleh. Whatever.
I'm going to write a letter. I don't think I even care about this shit being on my record anymore. There is far too much going on right now. Not just this.. Everything. It's just.. Too much. There is just too much going on. Write the letter, go to bed and post it through through the surgery doors on my way to college. Perks of living next door to the doctors.
Right now it's just a cycle of eat, purge, cut, do stupid shit, drink, cut a bit more, purge...
I'm pretty sick of it. I'm sick of my thoughts. I'm sick of my actions. I'm sick of... Me. Just, yeah. And no, I am not suicidal. Well... But I'm not writing up a goodbye note. Not my style. I don't do that crap.
I'm sorry I am so shitty at replying back lately. I really am. Things in general are just rubbish. I wish I could just be locked away for a week or two. Or 10... I'm tempted to ask if I can actually... I will reply, I promise. I'm pretty shite at blogging/replying at the moment, but I'll get there one day.