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Monday, 23 January 2012

Oh, hai guise!

I'm back. I decided I'd post on my birthday. I'm in a slightly better state of mind right now to when I last posted.


I wrote another letter to my doctor a few days ago (a week ago?) whilst doing Chemistry work. I asked for more help. A lot more help. I likened it to asking a proud man to beg haha. It was a true simile though. I hate asking for help, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and ask for it.

So I sucked it up. Posted the letter. Then got drunk.

But I wrote the letter. I sucked it up and asked for a lot more help. I was honest about shit I am not even completely honest about on here. I was/am proud of me. Go me! I admitted defeat really. Sort of.

But forget all that lol. One is now 19 and getting old. Where has the last year gone? Apart from being wasted on the ED and all that. Still, I don't feel I have been 18 for a year. It's kind of crazy getting older. On one hand I feel older than 19, but on the other hand, I feel so much younger. I feel like I am stuck at 14-15. Maybe it's because things going on now are similar to what I was going through back then.

I'm going to try and enjoy my birthday though. A nice excuse to go out with friends and take a break from revision.

I hope you are all okay and I'll be checking out blogs in ze morning. I feel I have missed out on so much of your lives lol.

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

2012 just isn't for me

It just isn't my year despite the fact it is only 9 days into it.

My nana is in hospital. Due to her diabetes. Irritating to shit that no-one is all that interested in her losing weight, hence her kidneys failing, Irritating to fucking shit. Why the fuck do I come from such an unhealthy freaking family?!

Definitely a part of my ED, but who gives a shit?

I'm scared of being like my family. I really am. Especially in terms of weight. It's killing them and they don't even care. I'm scared for them. Especially my nana. I don't even do family. I wasn't even told she was ill. I had to find out on good old Facebook.

I feel bad. I'm going to go and see her tomorrow. I hope she's alright. I love my nana. She's one of the only ones I get along with in my family and it makes me really sad that she is so ill. /sigh/. I wish she could live with me. I hate how none of them really care about her. I do. I really do. For her to have a perfectly healthy life, I would recover. Honest to God. I would work on every issue I had to the very best of my ability. I don't want to recover or anything, but I would if she was okay. I think we all have a person like that, don't we?

The way they live (my uncle, auntie, grandfather (Grandfather. I probably sound like a posh snob lol) and cousin), she'll most likely die before I even get to medical school. That makes me sad. That makes me not even want to bother with life. What's the point when my nana, a former nurse, is pretty much dying and no one gives a crap? [She used to be a mental health nurse and my biological grandfather was/is a mental health doctor. Ironic, huh?]
I don't even think I would see a point in being around without her. She's the one who believes in me. Someone who cares. It isn't like I have parents who do that shit. I feel like crap because I don't even have he blood type to donate a kidney. Fuck having my dad's genes!

I think I might write a letter to my doctor because I don't feel in a safe enough place. I really don't. I might write him a letter and book an appointment because I really can't do this right now. Bleh. Whatever.

I'm going to write a letter. I don't think I even care about this shit being on my record anymore. There is far too much going on right now. Not just this.. Everything. It's just.. Too much. There is just too much going on. Write the letter, go to bed and post it through through the surgery doors on my way to college. Perks of living next door to the doctors.

Right now it's just a cycle of eat, purge, cut, do stupid shit, drink, cut a bit more, purge...

Repeat.

I'm pretty sick of it. I'm sick of my thoughts. I'm sick of my actions. I'm sick of... Me. Just, yeah. And no, I am not suicidal. Well... But I'm not writing up a goodbye note. Not my style. I don't do that crap.

I'm sorry I am so shitty at replying back lately. I really am. Things in general are just rubbish. I wish I could just be locked away for a week or two. Or 10... I'm tempted to ask if I can actually... I will reply, I promise. I'm pretty shite at blogging/replying at the moment, but I'll get there one day.

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Day 5 - Such a bad day

Well I found out a trigger today. I don't have many and am not normally bothered by things. They just don't phase me.

Getting a bad grade on a mock exam is the most triggering thing ever! It was such an easy test too! It was Maths! Going through the answers today, I answered every single one of them correct. Every single one. That would have put me at an A* grade. I'm so frustrated with myself for not studying over Christmas. It was far too easy to just try and enjoy myself. God! Maths. My best subject and the thing I find so simple and I got the easiest things wrong. Richard is an arse for making us do the test on the first day back after nearly 3 weeks off.

But yes. Very triggering. Yeah. Bad day. Worst day of the year so far. Funny how one little thing that shouldn't bother you - the mark isn't even a proper mark! - really gets to you. Leading to the obvious... Things we seem to do when triggered. Ugh. Whatever.

It's been an okay start to the year apart from that though. College is going good and things, I guess. It's a nice distraction and it is fantastic to have my regular routine back. apart from Wednesday. I now have to stay until nearly 5pm because have extra Science. So annoying. I can't stand the Science teacher either. I was telling Christine all the reasons why yesterday and she was just laughing. She obviously couldn't put it down on my record thing, but it was nice to talk to someone other than R* about how much of a wanker he is. I dislike him so much. I can't wait until next year when we have all three Science subjects individually and hopefully never have to see him again. He has made me hate Physics with such a passion! I headed onto the course wanting to do Maths, Chemistry, Biology and Physics as A levels. That soon changed to English, Chemistry, Maths and Biology.

Anyway. Enough of my lousy college stuff. It's not all that entertaining, nor is it interesting.

My blades are gone. My notebook with an half written letter to my doctor was on a completely different page. I'm freaking out so much. I feel like an idiot! Oh my gosh. I'm sorry, like, this sounds very random to suddenly start talking about, but fuck me backwards! The only person who could have moved them/got rid of them is D*. But why hasn't he said anything if it is him? Somebody shoot me. Please. I can't deal with people other than the doctor and tutors knowing. Not the boy. Definitely not him. No, no, no... What the...

Today sucks. Today is just crap. Life is crap right now. I really hope I am panicking over nothing. I didn't even think about moving the notebook in particular because... I'm off to bed. Or for a walk. Or something.

Fuck.

Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Day 1

I forgot to post this last night so I'll just edit the date on it.

I gained 9.4lbs over Christmas. I am so shocked. Like, what did I eat? Or what didn't I eat? Haha. I know most probably isn't proper weight but I am still allowed to be shocked.

I'm getting sick of seeing all the posts on Facebook talking about a new year, a new me. Why couldn't they just change whenever it was things started to go wrong in 2011? Why do people always insist on saying they'll change every single year? Not many of them actually do. I'm kind of sick of getting asked my resolutions too because most are ED related. I can't come straight out and say, "Oh, I'd like to lose 40lbs." I can imagine they wouldn't be all, "That is fantastic! You go for it girl!"

Did anyone make resolutions anyway? One of mine is to renew my gym membership. I know a lot of people say they'll go to the gym in the new year, but I actually want to. I miss it and it just isn't the same exercising at home.

I want to start the ABC again for some reason. Yeah, maybe I will.

It's my birthday in 22 days! :D It's on a Monday this year which is so much better than a Sunday. I hated the fact my 18th was on a Sunday with college the next day. Talking of college, I go back on Tuesday and haven't done a shred of my English work. Nor have I revised for my Maths test. Bad student. :P

New Year was good though. So drunk! After the 2nd, I am not drinking until my birthday! I make this sound like I am a raging alcoholic (I'm not), but the amount of alcohol I have drunk over the last 2 week probably outweighs the amount of food I have eaten. My wee liver needs a break. And water. So much water..

Take care
xxx