Followers

Saturday, 22 December 2012

Holiday season

I don't like staying in England for Christmas. I don't think I've stayed here for Christmas and New Year in years. It's not my most favourite place to spend Christmas. I wish I was still in college actually. It's really boring to have three weeks at home which sounds crazy to say. I think it's because I know I have an exam on the 9th and it'll be torture to try and study over the Christmas break because there's a billion Christmas parties, plus I haven't seen my friends in ages so I can't exactly blow them off AGAIN because it's all I seem to do lately. 

I've not even opened my Science books to try and study. I look at them and just put it to the back of my head. I've probably done more Mathematics revision which is stupid since I don't have that exam until the middle of June. It doesn't help that none of the Biology, Physics or Chemistry has gone in because our Science tutor is shite. I do need to study at some point or I'll end up failing.

Christmas is already killing me. There seems to be a night out every night and instead of losing weight over the holidays, I'm going to end up gaining a load which is obviously fun. I am definitely not a holiday fan. I think it's all really overrated. It doesn't even really feel like Christmas anyway. It hasn't for the last few years. It just seems to be a month full of alcohol and food.

December is weird for me. Sometimes I can adore it and sometimes it's just a depressing month. It's kind of verging more towards the latter as it normally does. I think it's the whole charade of what Christmas is meant to be. Everyone acts happy and all that, but it's all false. When I see my mums side of the family actually acting like they care about each other, it makes me want to be sick. The false front everyone seems to have at this time of year is nauseating and as for the people who genuinely are happy, it makes me so freaking jealous because I've never had that.

I'm just hoping the 7th of January hurries up so I can go back to college. I hate it, I hate the tutors and half the students, but there's people there I actually like and it's a fantastic distraction since I'm out of the house from 7am until 9pm. I think this is another reason as to why I hate the holidays. I tend to always be indoors and not doing much unless it's night time and I'm going out whereas on a college day, I'm out all day and keeping busy. Without college, it's just boring. I have no structure and I have no idea how people can live and not go to school/college/university or have a job. The boredom and lack of structure would probably kill me.

Now I have to endure dinner with family and friends. Kill me! I should have gone to Scotland. Why did I end up staying home? *shakes head* I've kinda forgotten why or what I was writing because wine is an amazing thing, but I hope the holidays are going much better for you guys than it's going for me.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 10 December 2012

Quite typical

Dear Lord, I suck at blogging. I don't even have any reason for not doing it. I think it's because if I write down how shitty things are going, it'll make me feel even more shitty.

So it's December. I have no idea how it is already December. I don't feel like I have done anything this year. It's so strange. December means Christmas is close and I really don't want it to be that time of year yet. I mean, I like the fact I get three weeks off of college, but I'm just not a Christmas fan. Especially since it revolves around alcohol and food. I hate having to go shopping for gifts too. It's got to be the most annoying thing in the world to do. I still don't even know what I'm doing for Christmas. No one is really making a big deal out of it and I'm not too bothered about planning something. It doesn't really feel like Christmas either. It feels no different to any other freezing cold month haha.

I have college in a couple of hours and I really don't want to go. It means I have to have a shower and get dressed and all them other sociable things you have to do when you'll be in the company of others. If I could do my classes from home, I'd be the happiest person in the world. That way I wouldn't be tortured by my idiotic class, the fucking eejit tutors and them. It's kind of hard to see the guy who said he liked you, flirt with your best friend. The one who he bugged for weeks to find out what I was like..

It's whatever, though. I'm never the person people date. It's just very ugh to see each day. It doesn't help that we all talk on whatsapp either. We were in Nandos when he asked her to dinner. Let me tell you, it is not easy to keep yourself from crying and acting happy. It's annoying that that happened just as I actually begun to like him. This is why I never let myself like people. I don't mind finding guys hot, but I never normally let myself actually like a person because the always end up being morons and things tend to turn to shit for me. But he was lovely. :/

I had my St Johns Ambulance interview the other day. It went pretty well. I just need to ask them for long sleeved uniforms when I start because I don't do short sleeved anything with a jacket.

I should really get ready for college. I've missed Physics for the past 2 weeks and I'm not sure she'd appreciate me not going this week even though I would rather stay in bed because I actually hate college. There is nothing good about this course but I'll save that for another course.

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween guys. I hope you're all having fun. I slept through it because I had a tooth pulled this morning, yesterday I guess (thank you ED!). So I slept through it after cancelling my plans. Boo!

So, I think I have figured things out, though. In terms of education and things. I think I am going to do a Biology degree before medical school. I think I might do the MBiol, BSc Biology (Integrated Masters) course after my A levels. I've always said I want to be 80% recovered/okay before going to medical and that isn't something I see happening in the next 2 years.

I wrote this about a week ago:

"I was sat here the other night and just, just wanted to end everything. For it all to just stop and be over. I hate it when my thoughts are like that. It scares me so much. It scares me that it feels so easy to just do it. The first time I attempted it, it was the hardest decision I had made at that point. With each attempt, it seems to have gotten easier in some ways, I guess."

Reading that back makes me realise how I am never going to sort things out in 2 years and I would honestly be terrified going to medical school and being in control of other people's lives when mine is so messed up. I think it would be pretty irresponsible, too.

So Biology degree before medical degree. That's the plan. I still need the same A levels and grades to study Biology anyway so it's not like I have to change anything.

I'm off back to bed because my mouth hurts, I'm hungry but can't eat and I'm super tired for once.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 8 October 2012

It's all pretty crap

It's funny how since my last blog post, most of my opinions on college are still exactly the same. I really dislike my tutors apart from Ziggi (funny story about her later) and surprisingly, Sharon.

I should say hi since I haven't written in a while. College has sort of taken over most things which sucks. I don't think I have even seen many of my friends since the course started. It's terrible. I think half term break is in 2 or so weeks which will be a nice break. Well, not a break since most of my time is spent studying. It'll get even worse in a month or two because I'll have 3 new subjects to learn. Economics, psychology and human biology. That's going to be so much fun! *hint of sarcasm*

Blogger is already annoying me since I can't get the blogs I follow to show since I apparently don't follow any. I don't think I ever thought I would say this, but why can't you be as simple as Tumblr, Blogger? I have this issue every time I come on Blogger and it's beyond irritating.

So Ziggi. It is such a strange name, but anyway. I sent her an email talking about additional science and my iPhone auto corrected her name to Zippy. It was hilariously awkward but she's cool. I have her lesson tomorrow afternoon, actually. We're moving on from Biology and starting Chemistry so I am trying to cram as much Chemistry revision into tonight and tomorrow just so I don't feel like I know nothing, because surprisingly, I barely remember anything from last year. My mind as gone totally blank and everything I learnt last year isn't in my brain anymore.

I also have to study for a Maths test on Tuesday. I swear all I do is study. I am really bored of it.

I have to go to the dentist in the morning first, though. I am definitely not looking forward to it because I hate the dentist. I hate it. I have a new dentist, too, so I am not looking forward to that. Ugh.

The eating disorder and things are pretty blurgh at the moment. My anxiety is through the roof because of stupid presentations we have to do in classes. Presentations are stupid. They're not even needed in life. I am never going to need to do a presentation or use Microsoft Powerpoint in the future. It's stupid that we have to do them. Especially the one I have to do about high school. That is just a time of my life I NEVER want to talk about with anyone never mind a class full of people I cannot stand. Stupid tutors for not realising/understanding that a person with GAD and other shit really isn't good at presentations in front of people.

I can't wait for this year to be over and A Levels to start. The only good thing about this year is Natasha and Louise. If I wasn't in a class with them, after how last Tuesday went in stupid NOCN, I would have left the course because I don't really like it. Not at all.

So it's a new week and I am going to get back into exercising. I haven't been able to get to the gym since coming back home, so I desperately want to start going back to the gym. It's tiring to either gain weight or just stay the same weight. The first two weeks of college I lost 16lbs and then plateaued. I haven't felt up to going near the scales since it went up 4lbs over a week ago. I am sure it has probably gone up even further since then. I think I'll suck it up in the morning and check it. It might shock me into doing something about it.

The self harm and purging are both pretty bad again. I ate earlier and purged and then just went stupid with self harm. I should just go to the doctors and ask him for help. A small part doesn't think I need help, though. A small, or rather large part actually, just wants to self destruct and give up because it would be so nice to give up. Giving up seems so much easier than fighting, yet in reality, it's harder. I guess nothing is ever easy and if it is, it's usually a lie.

Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 16 September 2012

New college year

I started college again last Tuesday and it's... Okay. Yeah. I wasn't the biggest fan of it, and I still aren't, but I'm getting used to it. The tutor for Science, I think he is called Howard, is beyond pointless. He's actually a lot worse than Umesh ever was. I actually got used to Umesh by the end of the course. Jesus, 15 minutes into Howard's lesson, I actually started to miss Umesh lol. I never thought I would think that. Ever!
Howard also pretty much promoted these fad diets. He did a no carb diet and lost 10lbs in the first week so he's going to do it again. He made sure to tell us that we can expect us to see him shrink throughout the year. It was a lovely little trigger during the most boring biology lesson I have ever done. I love biology, but this fool was skipping everything that is going to come up on the exam.

Idiot.

 He was just as annoying as my English Literature tutor, Sharon, who insisted on using the term 'real women' when talking about Shakespeare's sonnet 130. I wanted to throw her out of the window. It's always people who are slightly overweight or something that use that stupid term. I hate it. She happens to be my personal tutor, too. Give me Christine back?

I miss my old tutors. I'd give anything to have Richard, Christine, Emma, Louise and Umesh back. Them and my old class. As much as I sometimes disliked them, I liked them more because my new class is a bit iffy. I get on with at least 3 people, though. Can't complain, I guess. But I had a really good bond with my old tutors. I could tell them anything and feel okay with it. I can't see myself talking to my new ones about the same things. Maybe Sharon because she comes across okayish, but not the rest.

My new best friend and seat buddy is a very cute guy. Yes, K* is undoubtedly cute. We get along quite well as well. I like him. I mean, I am never going to date him, but having someone good looking to talk to is always good. I must confess that he is completely different to guys I normally find good looking. He's not a sporty type (I have a major obsession with shoulders and backs lol) or outstandingly smart, not that that is a terrible thing or meant to be an insult. He's pretty much the opposite of what I normally find attractive. He has Justin Bieber-esque hair... Okay, maybe not Bieber-esque. That is kinda insulting. Just longish hair. Kind of like Australian surfers. Yet he's still attractive. I think it's his personality. He made me laugh, he's as awkward socially as me, and he likes Shakespeare. A guy who has the ability to make me laugh and loves literature is instantly amazing. He made the first day/week feel less awkward than it was because I instantly disliked it and we just spent the week talking about anything and everything.

I need to change subjects now because I feel super awkward and embarrassed! Yet I'm smiling whilst writing this.

I've been so tired all week. I've been getting maybe 3 hours of sleep a night and waking up at 2am. Then I have college from 09:00 until 16:30. I have no idea how I am functioning. 
In just one week of college starting again, I have lost just over 10lbs. I haven't weighed myself since Friday morning so I have no idea how much more I've lost. It's almost as though as soon as my days are filled, I have no intention on eating. I'm pretty glad about it because I was verging on hitting my HW again, but I hate how the purging has gotten worse despite not eating. It's ridiculous. My chest/heart area has been killing all week because it's not a one off kind of thing. It's something that happens so many times a day. I drink something just to throw it up. I didn't think I would return to the point where I don't feel comfortable with liquids.

So the purging and self harm are just at that stage where it is beyond ridiculous. Both things are happening several times a day and yeah. I think it's at the stage where I just can't be bothered asking for help. If I could barely get it when I was 20lbs lighter, I can't be bothered thinking about what it would be like asking for it now. I'm not dumb with certain things (chest pain etc) and know when I need to go and see the good old GP, but besides that, I can't be bothered right now. Maybe I'll think differently next month or the month after. Hell, maybe next week I'll think differently, but right now I just feel bleh about talking about things. I do need to work on things, mainly the cutting, but things are already stressful. I already have to pass all 7 subjects with nothing less than A's, my days are packed, life is chaotic and I just... I don't know. Them two things are like coping mechanisms. It would just be strange not to do them and God only knows what other coping technique I'd switch to.

It's funny (or is it sad?) that the two things that make me feel somewhat alive, also make me feel pretty much dead.

So yeah. I think I am going to continue fasting this week. I feel safer eating nothing than I do eating a little something. When I eat something, no matter how small, I always feel I should cut/purge/binge/take laxatives etc. Mentally I feel safer staying away from food. Physically, well physically I feel terrible no matter what I do. I just mainly need more sleep. More sleep always helps any situation. I think I just need my brain to turn off for a while or at least think positive things. It would make a change from: 

  • Wondering how you can hurt yourself 
  • What you can hurt yourself with
  • Which bathroom no one will disturb you purging in
  • Diet coke or water?
I'd just like an off button that worked for a couple of hours each day. Or week. I'm not too fussed.

I'm fairly certain I intended to write much more. I swear I say that each time I blog. By the time I have actually written something and am about to publish it, it has been around 3 hours and by that point, I totally forget what I was even going to blog about. I have it all planned out in my head and I get on and it's gone. I need to be able to concentrate or something.

I also have so many blogs to comment back on and catch up on. Both on here and on Tumblr. I guess I should add everything on the internet to that list. I've not even logged on to certain websites in weeks which is pretty terrible. I just don't have the energy or motivation. I rarely even log onto Facebook because I get home at 18:30, get a shower/bath, do my homework and before I know it, it is time to go to sleep. It's amazing how time seems to just fly by unless it is the weekend. On weekends it just drags.

Someone asked for my Tumblr link. I can remember who but just not their username. I'm terrible at remembering people's names online. But here is it. :) http://almost-invisible-and-fading-away.tumblr.com/

This has become unbearably long. I'm going to stop and go and do my English Literature homework. Plus English homework, tutorial homework and ton of Maths revision. Fun!

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 3 September 2012

Home

I'm so glad to be home.

I should probably go to bed since it is nearly 2am.

I have college tomorrow at half 2. Ugh. New people. I don't like new people. They make me panic and just feel all awkward. I am definitely not looking forward to it. Especially since with the super long vacation, I am so much heavier. It's depressing.

I'm durnk. Drunkk and fat. Bleh, whatever. I finally post a new post and it's all depressing and annoying.

durrnk!!! Okay, I'll attempt to be less annoying, haha.

Umm... I wonder what my claass will be like. I hope they are not super stupid or anything. Knowing my luck, I'll be the youngest one in the worst class ever. I got my exam results, too. I swear they screwed up my English marks. It's pretty impossible to get A*, A, and then a D. 2 UCAS points off of an A overall, but it's cool. I have to redo the thing again anyway. I got my C in Maths since I was only doing foundation. Science was a key example of how the college really screwed up throughout the year. Each 7 exam parts varied from A* to C. Science was taught really bad if anyone remembers my rantings about the terrible, terrible lesson.

I made a Tumblr whilst in Paris. It's somewhat freaking addictive. I still prefer Blogger because I like writing, but sometimes a pictures says so much more than you could ever write. It's not bad, though. I don't dislike it as much as I used to.

I am going to bed because it's 3am and I'm tired and yeah.

Goodnight
Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Stuck here

I was meant to be flying home tomorrow since it is my exam results day is on Thursday, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I won't be back until next week at the earliest (long, long story) which has left me so pissed off. I'm ready to leave. I really wanted to know my exam results too, so that's frustrating. I just don't want to spend another week here. I've been away from home all summer and all I want to do is settle back into a normal routine. A routine that is normal to me, at least. 

Right now, the only thing going for this place is the weather.

I'm more annoyed at the fact I will be missing results day. I've been dreading yet looking forward to it. I was more looking forward to seeing everyone. I found out P* has applied for the same course as me starting in September and I somewhat hope she is in my class. Even if she is annoying. We got along okay enough to be in the same class again.

I enrol on the 3rd of September. That means I have 13(?) days to lose as much weight as possible. It shouldn't be too hard since I haven't got an appetite. I did feel like bingeing today, but since my bank is being retarded (the main reason I am not coming home tomorrow), I gave up on that idea. It's funny how I either turn to food when stressed or just completely boycott it. 13 days is a long time, though. I probably won't start until the 10th or so. At least I hope not. I still have to buy all my supplies and clothes. I haven't done any back to college shopping at all so I will have to do all of that when I get back.

I've been browsing Forever 21 and places and have seen so many clothes I want *need* to buy, but I don't want to until I've lost a minimum of 20lbs. I don't want to spend a fortune on clothes just for them to not fit me in a month or so because that is utterly frustrating and a total waste of money. I've probably wasted so much money on clothes that only fit me for a couple of weeks which explains why I have clothes in 3 or 4 different sizes in my wardrobe.

I want to dress completely different this year. Last year was okay, but I never wore what I would normally wear every day to college. I have no idea why, but yeah. This year I actually am going to wear things I would ordinarily wear. It's a bit stupid not to and my regular style is so much better than what I wore last year. :P Same with my make up and hair. 

New school year, ditch the old school me.

I've literally become obsessed with hair and make up videos on YouTube. I think this displays the fact I have far too much spare time, but I do have a billion ideas for how to do my hair. I want to carry on laying off the heat like I have been this summer because it's done my hair so much good. It's grown a lot, too. It's around 3 inches longer than when I last got it cut and it doesn't even need cutting again. I've noticed it's slightly wavy when I have it natural these days which I like. It used to be super straight which probably had something to do with straightening it daily. I've also noticed it's kinda gingery/brown since I haven't dyed it in nearly a year. It must be the Scottishness.

I need a new camera when I get back as well. Random thought, but it's about time I got around to replacing my old Nikon. Mainly because I have no idea where it is, haha. I miss taking amazing pictures, though. The iPhone just doesn't compare to a proper camera. I used to make videos on it, too. That was way back when I had a vlog thing, though. That was so long ago.

Anyway. I was down 2.6lbs this morning which means I have lost 4ish pounds this week. I've gotten back into the workout routine and went running this morning. I didn't stay out longer than 30 minutes because it is extremely warm. I think it was over 25 degrees when I gave in and went back. Plus I didn't want to push it since I hadn't eaten. Still haven't since I intend on fasting until I go home. Normally I wouldn't care about working out whilst fasting, but adding the heat into the mix and general tiredness from the lack of sleep and it isn't the most perfect situation. 

The sleep issue is more bothersome. Up until yesterday, I hadn't slept in 40 hours. It was horrendous. I only got 3 hours sleep when I managed to drop off. I hate how my insomnia always gets worse when there is no possible way to see my GP. I swear it knows when I am not home and then decides to strike.

Lots of rambling and I have so much to say, but I think I am going to attempt to sleep. It's worth a shot.

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Quick update

I thought I would post a short post sine I haven't done so in forever. I'll do a full update tomorrow or Thursday evening.

France is great. Paris is gorgeous. One of my friends from primary school was here, funnily enough. It was such a strange coincidence. He got engaged to his boyfriend which was adorable. His boyfriend/fiancée is so hot, too haha. They're a lovely couple, though. It was so perfect in front of the Eiffel Tower. It makes me smile just thinking about it. :)

France is making me fatter. There is so much high calorie food here and my friends insist on trying everything. I can't say it is French food in particular that is good, but everything non-French is good. :P I weighed myself the other day, though, and ouch! I have 14 days before going back to the UK, 15 before results day, and I have so much weight to lose. It sucks. 

I want to fast and exercise. I miss fasting. I miss going to bed empty, waking up empty... Just, not eating. Not eating and working out for hours. I miss being alone to be able to do them things.

I miss my bed, too. I hate different beds unless they are as soft as mine. I cannot be doing with super firm mattresses that make me feel like I have slept on rocks. xD

On a end (and positive) note, the Olympics have been fantastic! I think it's inspired everyone to want to be more active in sports, including me. I am so thrilled my city gets a gold postbox since a guy from my city won gold in the triathlon. Actually, his brother and him live really close to me. People are are not from the UK or interested in the Olympics will have absolutely no idea what this gold postbox thing is, haha. I think most people will agree the Olympics have been great, though. Maybe not the Americans since NBC suck cock and cannot broadcast things for shit. Apart from that, it's all good. 

I do think I now have a billion crushes on athletes now. Most of them are such a good looking bunch of people. I kind of have a girl crush on Jessica Ennis, however, and Andy Murray isn't a bad looking guy. Both deserved their Gold medals. I'm going to definitely stop typing now before I admit to more embarrassing things. :P

Plan for tomorrow: Exercise and fast.

This was meant to be short since it's 4am or something stupid and I should be in bed.
I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays and the Olympics. :)

Take care
xxxx

Friday, 20 July 2012

Reality called

On the 16th of July 2011, I told my doctor about my ED. I only realised today when I was thinking about things. It's been over an entire year. And not a thing done from other services.

Nice. I guess it just reinforces the fact that you need to be underweight to get more than regular talks to your GP. Okay, maybe that is slightly biased, but you can bet your ass if my weight wasn't in the 'healthy' range, more would be done. I don't think I mean that, though. I think I'm just in a stupid mood and things. I slightly mean it because, well, it is somewhat true. Professionals are always more concerned the lower in weight you are.

Whatever, though. It's not like I intend on recovering any time soon or anything and at least my GP is nice. 

Today has just been one of those days. It's been a reminder that life isn't always fair. Sometimes it bites back and it sucks. Not going to lie. It sucks a lot. Especially when you can't change it. However, life was never meant to be easy or fair.

I've got a total lack of appetite. I'm not hungry, I'm not tempted to eat... Nothing. It always happens when I am stressed or dealing with things. I half like it, half dislike it. I can't even explain why I dislike it. Maybe it's because it tends to go on for weeks. The last time I felt like this, I didn't eat for a month? ED wise it is great. I mean, I'm losing weight, I'm not binging, I feel in control, I feel able to lose 10, 20, 30lbs etc. 
Mentally, it is a completely different story. My moods are terrible because of not eating and over exercising, I feel like the worst person to everyone that knows me... I just, I just don't want to feel like this right now. Not when there isn't anyone I can talk to. It's like an unintentional trigger. Or maybe it's intentional. Maybe it's just something that brews inside for a while and when it's finally got something it can blame for unleashing itself, it does.

It doesn't make sense, I know. I don't know how to make it make sense because it just doesn't. Eating disorders and mental health issues aren't logical and they don't make sense. That's probably why they are so difficult to treat. I feel like I am in such a dark and unsafe place. I don't know how to fix that, though. I'm at a loss.

This is too difficult to explain and I'm giving myself an headache trying to. I've lost the point of what I am even trying to explain. I didn't even know that was possible, but when you spend 7 hours attempting to finish your blog post, it kind of happens.

Since it is technically Saturday, I hope today is much better. I can't sleep and it's 5am and.. *sighs* I'm exhausted. My sleeping routine is none existent and I'm just tired. It's making me fed up and grumpy and not a very sociable human being. I pity people spending time with me because I am not fun lately at all. I'm just really... Not someone I would want to spend time with.

I don't know what else to write despite having so much on my mind. I think I am going to lock myself in my room with a bottle of diet coke and try to sleep all weekend. I'm alone all weekend which has kind of scared me and I'm never normally scared of being alone. I live alone so it's never been an issue. I guess I am just scared I'll SI or something. I really don't want to, but I kind of broke the no SI thing ages ago. In fact, the only thing I haven't done is take laxatives. 1 out of 3 isn't totally bad.. The sleep part of my plan is most likely not going to happen which means I'll have a weekend of thinking about everything, but it'll be okay. Things have to start getting better at some point. I hope. It's been 13 years. I think I deserve a break.

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 19 July 2012

The darkness is soothing

See how delicious my lunch looked? So much green stuff going on there haha. Since I didn't even eat half of it, my grand total of calories was 71 calories.



I don't think I have ever started a post talking about what I have eaten. Come to think of it, I don't think I hardly talk about what I have eaten. Why do I never talk about what I have eaten? Or what I weigh? Mind screw right there.

Anyway. I'm typing this in the darkness of my room where I have spent the evening since I didn't want to go out. I've not wanted to go out in ages for some reason. It's much more peaceful to just spend an evening doing nothing. It's somewhat of a comfort to just turn all the lights off, close the door to people, turn the tv off and just breathe. I think I sometimes spend too much time doing so many things that I forget to just breathe. I guess it's easy to forget that we all need time to just think and be alone.

I've made the three day hump in regards to binging. Right now it feels really strange to be not eating what I was eating and to actually say no to things. I think that always feels strange, though. Saying no just comes really difficult to me because I always think I am going to offend someone or something which is utterly stupid. Saying no is something that should just come naturally. But this is me we are talking about. I'm a... difficult person. ;)

I have decided I am going to wait until we are about to leave here to weigh myself, and then I will wait until I return home at the end of August to weigh again. I'm not buying any scales to take with me because 1) it would be pointless since I have no idea if they are accurate. My faith tends to rely in my own scales and the the scales at my GP's. They both tend to match each other so my trust stays with them. Other scales just seem to throw any number at me. And 2) I can't be bothered. I'm (fortunately) currently in a 'not completely obsessing over the scales because I am completely obsessing over calories and exercise' phase. Whether it will stay like this is a mystery, but for now I will take it.

I don't really have much to say. Today was kind of dull and not very exciting. I've got the day to myself tomorrow so I think I am going to hit the workout train since I took it slightly easier today than I normally would. I definitely intend to kick my own arse tomorrow.

 I hope everyone is well.

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Good few days

Finding Nemo 2 is apparently in the works to be released in 2016! I am so excited at that! And Monsters Inc follow up will be out at some point! I feel like a huge kid, but how can anyone NOT be excited about them two films?! I love Dory and Mike Wasowski. :)

I've actually worked out these last two days and not binged. Yay. I am so tired now, though. It's probably because I never know when to stop exercising. If I am working out, I end up doing it for hours. I don't think I actually know how to put healthy limits on things. I am such an 'all or nothing' kind of person.

We leave for France on Wednesday. I'm getting more excited for it. Probably more so because I seem to be dealing with the b/p cycle more. Well, cutting out the binging at least. The purging always stays whether restricting or binging. Woo, bulimia. *sarcasm* I just need to keep a control on food when over there. That shouldn't be too hard because me and my friends have decided to go on a bit of an health kick.

Speaking of which, I went grocery shopping today and wow. I didn't panic or anything which was such a nice surprise. It doesn't happen very often and 9.9 times out of 10, I freak out and spend hours in there, only to buy nothing. I think I was in and out within an hour today and with only healthy food. Even if I ate a huge amount, it wouldn't be high enough in calories to be a binge. So expensive to eat healthy, though. Utterly ridiculous.

I think I might start going swimming as well as the gym when I go home. I've seen a long sleeved swimming top thing that I want to buy to cover my arms because I am definitely not the type of person who is comfortable showing scars. No, no. I can't wait to be able to do a proper workout though.

I should probably go and see my GP when I get back from France, too. I was meant to go months ago and yeah. That totally didn't happen. I sorta like making appointments because it pushes me so much further into restricting. I do hate making them for the fact I have to talk about things. I do need to see him, though. Maybe. I need to go to the dentist as well. I hate the dentist. I freaking hate it! It makes me so anxious. I don't even want to think about it because even that makes me anxious. I guess I can't keep putting it off...

Right. Bed is calling me and I am far too tired to construct sentences that make sense.
Plus I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Le sigh.

I hope you've all had a pleasant day. :-)

Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 15 July 2012

Bleh

I didn't go to the college thing if anyone remembers me talking about it ages ago. I should have because I won two awards. I was Student of The Year and something about attendance. I feel bad that I didn't go just because I felt too fat. I really wanted to go, too. Now I have to meet a kid I am not overly fond of and get the two awards. There is somewhat of a lesson in this story. I don't even know when I'll end up meeting him because he's in South Africa and I'm in Dublin preparing for my trip to France. Sigh.

I've gained so much weight since college finished. All I seem to do to cure the boredom is eat and it's driving me crazy. Especially being here in Dublin and like this because it's so much harder to get out of binge mode when I'm around people who are constantly eating. I'm here for another 2ish weeks too and then I'm off to France. It's fun, don't get me wrong, to be doing things over the holidays, but all I want to do is restrict and workout and it's so hard to do that when you are spending time with other people in different countries.

I wonder if the hotel has a gym. I need to do something or I am going to go back to college so much bigger. I've already gained 15lbs or so, (I don't trust these scales because they aren't mine) and it's depressing. The only good thing is I haven't turned to cutting or any other behaviour because of it which is what I normally do. Though I did just burn my finger on the oven and it fricking hurts. Injuries seem to always hurt much when they are real accidents. Self harm doesn't seem to hurt as much for some reason.

Dublin. France. I sort of just want to go home and pretend nothing exists until the end of August. Especially the eating disorder. Honestly, this will sound kind of sick but if you've had a mixture of eating disorders you could maybe understand, I preferred the anorexia to this. Fuck, I preferred the constant throwing up and stuff to this constant binging. I think preferred is the wrong word. No, it definitely is the wrong word. I just hate the mixture of binging and throwing up.

I hate binging.
I hate the word binging because is sounds freaking stupid, haha.

I am, however, semi glad we aren't going to Italy like I wanted because I would definitely come back home 10 kilos heavier. I'd have to try absolutely everything. Plus , since Italy knocked England out of the Euro 2012, I'm not the greatest fan. ;)

Ugh. This download/upload/what-the-hell-ever is going so slowly. Screw my friend with a rusty screw for asking me to put How I Met Your Mother into a blog for her.

I hate binging. Have I said that already? Ugh. I've gained way too much weight.

How skinny are them two sisters on White Chicks? I mean the two rich bitchy ones. Obviously not the Wayan brothers, though they aren't exactly huge lol.

I think I am going to watch the end of White Chicks and go to bed. Since tomorrow is Monday, maybe this binging and rubbish will magically disappear. I've got to sort this shit out by the time I go to France. I'm just tired of it. At least tomorrow is Monday, though. It's not like you can start over on any other day. :P If only I could snap my bank card. Then I would have no money and then I couldn't binge. Or eat. Or do anything. I would so snap it if I didn't need it. Bloody vacations.

I need to catch up on blogs. On everything internet related, actually. On real life things, too. I feel like I need a huge catch up with everyone in Starbucks or something.

I hope you're all okay.
xxxx

Saturday, 23 June 2012

No Internet :(

It sucks. I never have any idea what to do when I can't waste my entire day on the computer lol. Thank goodness for Starbucks and McDonalds having wifi.

I'm off back to Ireland on Wednesday for two weeks. It'll be Friday if I end up going to this college thing. I'm only going to go if people I know are going too. I don't want to go alone no matter how much I like my tutors. Old tutors I should say since yesterday was my last official day on my course. Kind of sucks, but one of the guys doing the same course as me in September was quite cute. I do miss the people, though, because believe it or not, we actually all became sort of 'friends' in the end.

I had my exams yesterday, too. I actually have no faith in the Chemistry one I took. Chemistry 1a just isn't my friend. Biology 1a and 1b was simple and Physics 1b was... Well, it was Physics haha. It was easier than Chemistry, though. In reality, Chemistry wasn't the worst exam I have ever done. It just wasn't my favourite out of the four to do. I just have to wait for my results now. The end of August can't come fast enough.

However, I do need to lose a lot of weight this summer. I ended this term 14lbs higher than what I have started. My lowest weight these past 12 months is 25lbs lower than what I am now. My highest is 20ish pounds heavier. No matter what way I look at it, my reaction is just ugh. I definitely have to work on it. I just need to knock this binging on the head. I've even thinking about slowly adapting a vegan diet rather than just vegetarian. It would make more sense because it cuts out foods I cannot eat anyway and it cuts out the things I tend to binge on.

I have no idea if I'll be able to maintain a vegan diet on Ireland, but I definitely would be able to when I come back. I guess I could use the next 2 or 3 weeks to slowly cut things out rather than fully cut them out. It'll also cut the chances of binging down, too.

I've finally got more time to do more running and gym. I'm so happy about that so I'm going to finally renew my gym membership after Ireland. I saw no point in paying for it these last few
months because I had no time to go. It means new running shoes, too. I love buying running shoes and I've seen the perfect pair!

I feel like the third wheel with friends. Not because they are in relationships, but because I don't seem to fit in anymore. I never really did to be fair. It just sucks to see everyone make plans and not be involved in them. Especially when you think you are actually good friends. I've never really fitted in with people, though. Especially not people my age. It just sucks when you actually need people around you and there is no one. But they expect you to be there for them when they have problems or need something. I guess it reminds me why I am not such a huge people person. Other people and me rarely seem to be on the same page, and when we are, it's always someone a lot older than me that understands. Unfortunately, I don't know many older people. Or people that don't suck as people. Whatever. I'm not exactly a social person. In the most awkward person around people that you will actually meet, haha.

I should have internet that isn't from my phone from Friday. Well, I will definitely have it in Ireland. I just need to have it at home already. There's only so much exercising and TV a girlcan take.

Take care
xxxx

Friday, 15 June 2012

Realisations

I feel super awkward writing this in the college library. I have no idea why since it isn't like anyone can see what I am doing or writing.

I've got like, 7 hours of science to do today. I've got Physics and Chemistry down, just Biology to go. I like Biology and I have an hour break, so it isn't all bad. There is only 4 of us though. At first it was just me, Umesh and army guy. Anyone of you remember me writing about him last August/September on my induction day? Probably not. But he looked like he was just meant to be in the army and was quite cute. Anyway. He's so gay! I was quite disappointed actually because he was cute. But he's really friendly. I wish he had been in my class actually because we get along really well.

Still sucks he is gay, though. ;)

I came to a crashing realisation yesterday whilst watching the football, something I have been doing pretty much every day with the Euro cup going on. I came to the realisation that I need to work on the purging, lax abuse and self harm. I stopped doing them before and I can do it again. It definitely will not be easy, but it's worth it. It's not recovery in any sense. I'm not attempting to work on the fasting or restriction etc. Just the three things mentioned. Especially since I just got accepted for the bone marrow register and I desperately want to start donating blood again. I want to be a little bit healthier because the laxs and purging are really screwing up my body. Neither are a good idea when you already have an heart and kidney condition anyway.

This is going to suck, but I need to get some control over them to ensure the next three years of college go well so the prospect of going to Medical School become a reality. I wouldn't even mind if I only managed to sort out the self harming and the laxative abuse. 2 habits kicked is much better than none. Especially since it is those two things that I am sick and tired of and I find it easier working on them two before the actual eating disorder. Once them two are under control, it's a little easier to have a little normality in life.

So yes. I just need to put them into action.

I'm debating whether to take my books down to the canteen and get something to eat, or wait until I go home. I'm super hungry, though. But college food sucks. Decisions, decisions. I'll put it off until I go home. I'll have to have something to eat then anyway since the England match is on and me and friends are going to have a few drinks.

I should do some revision whilst I am waiting for Biology. I wish I had remembered to bring my iPhone charger. I prefer the music on the iPhone to the music on the BlackBerry. Le sigh.

Right. Revision, revision, revision... Food. Haha. I'm going to have to go and get something to eat. Even if it is only to shut my stomach up. I just need to find somewhere that does decent low cal stuff. Knowing my luck, I will end up on a 45 minute walk and not find anything I want. It always tends to happen.

Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Holidays have begun

Is anyone aware how nice it is to turn that 5am alarm clock off until September?

I forgot to ask my Science tutor what it was I am meant to revise for my Physics and Chemistry resits when I left his lesson on Friday lol. I guess I am not stuck revising all of the stuff we went over in class.

Fun stuff.

I can't wait until exams are over. I won't have a reason to be on the computer daily (revising) and that means I will be away from so much shitty drama. I'm sick of drama. It's quite something when you actually have less drama going on in real life than you do online. Whatever. Fuck people, right?

I should have my head in a Maths/Chemistry/Physics/Biology book right now. It seems like doing absolutely nothing is far more interesting than revising. I just cannot be bothered at all. I should be doing more Maths since it's on the 11th and 13th. I can't say I am excited for the calculator one. I hate the calculator paper. On my mocks, I did equally as good in both papers (same grade, 1 mark difference), but I really, really hate using a calculator. I hate using them as much as I hate showing my working out.

It kind of hit me that I am done with college for the year. Actually... Done. It feels kind of weird. I'm not used to staying up until noon and sleeping until 4pm anymore. I'm not used to having no structure with my days. Weird. At least I'll be getting my gym membership back in 2 weeks. I can kill a few hours there each day. 

Still, I don't remember being bummed about leaving high school in 2009. Hell, I was ecstatic! And it just hit me I left high school three years ago. Three years. Oh my gosh. What have I done in three years? Apart from this year at college, my last job and nearly joining the British Army but breaking my leg before basic training, not a lot. I can't believe it's been so long since I left school. It definitely does not feel it.

Anyhoo. I think I am going to go for a walk when it gets a little bit lighter. 03:00am isn't the most ideal time to be walking around. I'm just so utterly bored. It isn't like I can call any friends or anything since a) it's 03:00am, and b) what are friends these days? That forever alone guy popped into my head then haha. But seriously, I've noticed that the older you get, the harder it is to make friends. I have no idea how adults do it. It's not like primary school where you just walk up to a kid and start playing skip rope or whatever it is 5 years olds do these days.

I can't believe it is June. If thinking what I had done in the last 3 years was hard, these last 6 months are even harder! Half way through yet another year. That means there is only 6ish months left of being a teenager. Why is it June already? I don't want to be closer to being 20. :/

I think I feel sick. Not sick, sick. That kind of sick from not eating. My mind likes the not eating part. I, however, do not like the sick part. Especially since I am about to go and workout. Yes, I am going to work out at this insane time of morning because I am bored. Not even Facebook has anything interesting going on.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 28 May 2012

Only this week left

I've got Tuesday to Friday at college and then I am done. It feels so weird. I am definitely looking forward to not having to wake up at 5am just to get ready though. If I am waking up at 5am over the holidays, it will be because I plan to go for a run or something. Not spend over an hour on the bus haha. The weather has been lovely lately which makes the journey to college a little nicer IF the windows are open. I just hope it's not as warm tomorrow though. If it is, it will be so hard to focus during my exam. It's really humid and uncomfortable.

My exam is tomorrow. I'm getting really nervous now. It's 2 hours and 15 minutes and it honestly feels like it isn't enough. Especially for some of the questions. You have like, 15 minutes each for the first three, 30 minutes for the fourth, 25 minutes for the fifth and 35 minutes for the sixth. The first three are kind of long though. The fourth one is the most annoying. I hate comparing language features. It's irritates the heck out of me. So I guess I should go to bed early tonight. Well, at least once the laxatives have kicked in haha. Got to love them things.

I keep having thoughts that I shouldn't do medicine. That I wouldn't be able to do it anyway. I think it's just the ED and things trying to take away everything I want, but I don't know. I sort of believe it and I don't think I'd be totally shocked if I couldn't do it. Who wants a cray-cray doctor? Who wants a doctor with scars up and down their arms? The interview alone will probably fail me. The medical assessment will most likely definitely fail me. It's so stupid to have these thoughts because it's all I've ever wanted to do. Apart from when I was 5 and said I would be an English teacher haha. 
But yeah. I don't know. I think it's just the self destruct thing to be honest. What if it isn't though? What if this is me really not wanting to be a doctor? I don't know if I could deal with that. It seems to have become pretty much my identity to people. And to me. It would be terrifying to remove that part of who I am. I guess it's the same with removing the eating disorder. I don't want to consider not wanting to be a doctor. Like I said, it's probably just the self destruct side of me of me thinking this BS. I shouldn't even waste my time giving it any thought, but there is a minute part of me that almost believes it and I don't want to.

I seem to be having a teenage life crisis haha. It's just another thing to add to the large pot of crap I think/question. I have so many of these things on my mind and I need to ignore them until tomorrow afternoon.

There is just too much going on. It just makes the ED so much worse. All I seem to do lately is binge. Binge. Purge. Take laxatives. Self harm. When things get too much, I either do what I have been doing or sway to what I seem to be now doing. Replacing the binging with not eating. It's like a never ending spiral. The only thing I like is, when I don't eat, I don't have to see the numbers get higher. I hate how much weight I have gained recently. It's just ridiculous. I'm sick of not liking what I weigh. I never will like it. I could wake up and be 90lbs and still hate it. I think I hate me more than my weight. Hate me or hate being me? Hmm.... Probably a combo of the both.

I'm just so tired of this. Tired of everything. This isn't be being suicidal or anything I must add. 

I'm just tired of being tired and sick of being sick. 

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Finally the weekend

I've been looking forward to it all week. Knowing my luck, it will go super fast and Tuesday will be here before I know it.

I've only got two weeks left at college. It's making me sad to realise this. I never, ever thought I would say this, but I don't want this course to end. I'm going to have 2 or 3 months doing nothing. Even when I go back, it is going to be to a class of people I don't know. As much as my class can annoy me, I've grown kinda fond of them lol. I'll miss the tutors more. God! This couldn't be any more different to high school. I couldn't wait to get away from the students and tutors. Now, I want to keep them around. :P

At least the holidays gives me time to hit my goal weight before my new course. For some reason I feel really determined and cocksure I am going to get there before going back. I'm definitely not going back at this weight. I know many people say that and never do anything, but yeah. We can all do whatever we want once we put our minds to it.

Exams start Thursday. Everyone else in my class is doing the morning one and I'm stuck in the afternoon one which means I have to do Maths with just one other person and Richard. Then I have to do half of English on my lonesome. I don't think I am looking forward to it to be honest. It's definitely going to be interesting. Especially since it is going to be my last English class of the year. I love English so I am kind of sad about it. An hour or so with Emma alone will be great though. It's the two hours with Richard! As cute as he is, it's always awkward talking to him for a long period of time.

It's my friends birthday tomorrow. We're all going to get together and just get drunk, watch movies and enjoy ourselves rather than go out. I think we are all getting old or something because we find going into town incredibly boring! It's a chore too. You've got to avoid people you don't want to talk to, avoid whatever drama kicks off, get back home... It's so much easier to get a bunch of you together and have a (kinda) house party.

Got a football match first, though.

Righto. Rest of today is going to be spent revising, writing up meal/exercise plans and maybe cracking open a bottle of the red stuff when D comes over. :)

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

One is still on this Earth

I feel I should blog and say I am still alive. :)

I'll give an update on the hectic, crazy, crappy, annoying... (I could go on) life later tonight when I've had some sleep because I am ready to drop!

Hope everyone is well.

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Past few days

Is it wrong to want someone to get hit by a bus? Fall of a bridge? Choke on their food?
Yeah?
Even if that person is family?
Still a yes?

Le sigh.

Families are the most pointless thing I have ever come across and when you add family to Facebook, it's almost suicide worthy. Honestly, they are both so pathetic. Life would be much more simple without all that unnecessary drama.

The happy feeling of Wednesday disappeared the next day. I got to college earlier than normal despite stopping off at Starbucks and was talking to Christine about random stuff when she told me R* wasn't coming back to college because her dad had died. R* was the only person I really liked and got along with in my class and I tried for like, 5 minutes not to cry before crying. I feel stupid when I cry and always end up laughing to try and stop. It's got to be amusing to witness.

All the way through the Maths test (which was ridiculously easy by the way) and English sucked because all that was in my head was R* not coming back. It sucked even more since I seem to have gained a leech aka P*. P* is my least favourite person in the class along with L* and K*. P* more so because she is so ridiculously stupid. I probably sound a bitch, but stupid people just piss me off. Especially when they don't even attempt to do anything. I understand a lot of people aren't academic, but most people are able to withstand an intelligent conversation about things. P* is incapable of that.

Friday was good for the simple fact I had one hour of Biology and my next lesson was cancelled which was a blessing because it is the shittiest, most mind crippling, pointless lesson ever. I just ended up going for a really long walk and completing all my Biology booklet that I was only meant to do 41 pages of. I was going to do my English work (descriptive writing thing) but decided I'll do it Monday instead. That way I get the weekend to myself and can workout/sleep/relax.

22 days until I can weigh myself and they seem to be going so slowly. I don't know if it is a good thing or bad thing, probably good ED wise, but not weighing in for long periods of time make me not want to eat because I won't be able to see the 'damage' the food has done. Meh.

I just should get some Chemistry/Physics revision in today. I'm so tired though which is probably because I haven't slept. I've got a friend coming over tonight so I might attempt to get some sleep. I don't even care about messing my sleeping pattern up anymore since I never seem to get any sleep until 6pm and wake up around 9pm. Then I have to endure college and everything whilst insanely tired and I always feel extremely rude if I yawn during class. Same if I am staring at the clock when lessons are dragging. I used to chat with R* when class was dull and now I have to just grin and bear it.

Le sigh. Life is a bitch. It always finds a way to take away the things that give you some joy. Sucks. If it's not life that does that, it's the eating disorder.

I hope you are all having a more stimulating weekend than I am.
At least I have hot chocolate.

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

English makes me smile

I got my final English assessment back today and got an A*.
I own Shakespeare! ;)
I got a B on my mock exam, realised where I went wrong and know how to get an A*.
All good.
It's definitely not bad when I spent 40 minutes on the first question before realising there was 5 others lol.
Cue a major spaz attack to write as fast as I could. xD

English (and tutorial) makes me kind of happy.
I think it's a mixture of tutors and the work.
I love writing and reading and them things.
It allows you to lose yourself/the sense of yourself for a while.

Thanks for the comments on the last post.
Things are still crap, but it's fine.
It's easy to get like that, harder to get out of it, right?

I have a mock Maths test in the morning.
Cannot be bothered in the slightest.
I'll revise a bit in a few hours once I have gone to the gym.
It won't be hard since I passed the calculator one with no studying.
Obviously I'll study for the real one though.

Since I have done my English and tutorial homework, I'm taking it as it's okay to go to the gym.
I've done some work at the very least.
I'll get a workout in before bed because I am so tired.
My sleeping pattern is completely out of wack.
I hate it.
I'm so tired.
I've spent the entire day just yawning.

I need to buy some new jeans and a coat.
Every store seems to think it is summer (idiots! This is Britain.) and has no coats/jackets or skinnies.
The only skinnies the seem to have are in stupid colours.
If I wanted pink jeans, I'd buy them. 
Until then, put some proper denim on display!

Stores, they suck as much as the stupid weather.
I am so sick of rain!
It definitely doesn't aid with lifting the mood.
And here the UK is supposedly in a drought.
My arse!
We've had enough rain to sink the country!

I've decided to weigh myself on the 20th May.
No idea why.
It's just a random day before exams start.
And 24 days away.
Not too far away.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 23 April 2012

Just... Whatever

I am so cold and tired and just worn out. 
I feel I have been doing so much when I have actually been doing next to nothing.
I guess I'm just in one of those depressed slumps and all blah.

I haven't weighed myself since Friday morning (it's now technically Monday), and I don't know whether that is adding to the blah feeling or actually helping by not making it more blah. 

I don't think I even care to be honest. 
The numbers are never enough. 
When they are low, you never see it anyway.
It's just never enough.
Nothing you do is ever enough.

I might just wait until I eat again to weigh.
I don't know.
But then, when do I intend to start eating again?
Who knows?
I want to say never but... Yeah.
I'm pretty sure I don't know anything.
The longer I have this, the more unsure of everything I become lol.

I have English work to do but I am not doing it.
She said I didn't have to because, "You're good at English."
Her words, not mine.
I agree with her though.
Got to be a first that I've agreed with someone saying I am good at something. :P

I look pale and sick according to a friend and tutors.
I said I was poorly.
Sick thing is, I took it as a compliment.
Even sicker is the fact I want to look sick.
Really sick.
I'm really twisted, I know.
It makes me so glad I have no one around (family etc) that I can hurt with being like this.
I can only hurt me.
But never enough.

This post is all over the place tonight.
Sorry.
I can't even get my thoughts together properly.
Ever since being triggered it's just been a downward spiral thing.
I'm so tired and I'm sick of it.
Then again, I'm sick of being ill and I don't do anything about it.
Just complain haha.

Which reminds me I am meant to see my doctor.
Wait! How on earth did what I write remind me of the doctors?
Maybe it was the complain bit...
Anyway, I've been meant to see him for weeks.
I've been putting it off because I don't feel sick enough.
Which, you know, is funny.
If I'm not eating, I'm purging my drinks. 
If I am eating, I'm purging everything I eat.
I exercise way too bloody much.
I self harm way too bloody much.
I guess the only good thing is I haven't been taking laxatives.

Whatever.
I'm off to exercise and have a Family Guy marathon.
I can't be bothered thinking anymore.
It makes the brain hurt.

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Come and endure my ramblings

I got an A* in Chemistry 1b! One question wrong overall which is not what I was expecting. I got a B in Physics 1a too which is alright.

I did get a D in Chemistry 1a and a C in Physics 1b though, so I am resitting them in June with Biology.
The grade boundaries this time were so ridiculous. Unbelievably ridiculous. They always seem to be in March for some reason. I was 1 mark away from a A instead of B, 1 mark away from a B instead of C and 1 mark away from a C instead of D. How unlucky is that? But I'll resit and attempt to get A's at least. The AQA board is so shite.

AQA needs destroying. Funny how it's the bad grades I focus on rather than the good ones.

I don't know whether to trade the B in too. I could keep the B, aim for 2 A*'s in Biology, a A* in Chemistry and Physics resits and aim for A/A* in my ISA and still get an overall A*

I could do that. I have to do that.

It's killing the perfectionist inside me to have a C and D even though them two marks are better than what the rest of the class got. Grades are pretty much my only trigger too which is sucky.

So triggering. I definitely have no desire to eat.


I need to start spending more time studying rather than letting ED things rule everything. It's so hard not to though. I've never mastered trying to focus more on other things rather than the ED. I have no idea how to. I mean, I know the concept and how to theoretically do so, but I can't put the theory into practice. Even now, I'm meant to be revising for my written part of my ISA and all I am focused on is exercising, weight, numbers...

I need an off switch for things.

Anyway, that is way more than enough exam talk. At least tomorrow is the last one until the week starting the 21st of May. Tomorrow is the last day people will have to endure me talking about it for a few weeks haha.

I don't think I am drinking enough fluids throughout the day. I never get thirsty so I never remember to drink anything. I am starting to realise I hardly drink a bottle of water though and that isn't good. Especially when you haven't eaten. Drinking seems such a chore though. I think that might be why my body aches too. I feel I have done some serious working out and I can't say I have.

I should be working out more, though.

I complain a lot, don't I? I am so annoying, I know. I'm off to bed though, so you don't have to read my moaning anymore. :P I need some sleep or I will die. My sleeping pattern is pretty much non existent lately and I feel like crap because of it.

Take care
xxxx 

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Exams

I had my Science exam thrown at me this morning! Totally surprised since it was meant to be Friday and even more surprised since I had not revised anything haha. Thankfully, I remembered half of it, had another smart person in my group and our tutor helped us despite the fact he wasn't meant to. Shh!

It was actually alright.


I fell asleep when I got home thanks to having no sleep and awoke to a message saying I have a mock English in the morning. I was more shocked about the English than Science! No one can help us 'work' in English. I hate exams right now and I have real ones starting next month.

Le sigh.


I finally got to weigh in this morning and was 9lbs lighter than when I started fasting. That's okay for now. I got past a goal weight, at least. I want to lose another kg by Thursday, though. Results day. At least I have my scales and can weigh in when I want though. I keep saying I'll do it once a week but it's hard not to do it daily.

And I can finally work out properly now!. It's single handedly the best thing about being home. I can pull my strange workout faces without anyone seeing. :P Plus I can do my regular run. I think I am going to start the 30 day shred in the morning. It's one of the best dvds I have done in the past.

I think I am going to watch my recorded Supersize v Superskinny and do an hour on the bike. It's far too cold to go for a run and I'd probably fall over or something because I'm half asleep. :P

I've got a terrible habit of holding on to my collarbones. Subconsciously I must think they are going to fall off or something haha. People keep commenting on it too and I try so hard not to do it, but fail.

Take care
xxxx

Friday, 13 April 2012

Herp Derp

Today has been so utterly boring. I'm literally bored to tears.

I did some writing today for English because our tutor asked us to write over the holidays in preparation for our exams at the end of May. Trouble is, whilst I think it is good, well, okay, it's kind of based all on eating disorders and self destruction etc. It was the only thing I seemed to be able to write about actually.

The only thing on my mind.


I'm debating whether to write something different or just suck it up and give her it. I'm putting way too much thought into this. There is not a chance in hell it can be any worse than anything the rest of the class has done.

I'll just suck it up.


I got my report today. I say 'got'... I got my friend to open it, scan it and email it to me haha. My Science tutor gave me a lovely report! I almost chocked on my tea when I read it! Like, he never gives anyone a good report. Maybe it's because I'm the only one who actually talks to him and isn't a total dipshit. Either way, his report made me happier than Emma's, Richard's and Louise's. I'm going to ask him if he was on drunk when I see him on Tuesday. ;)

He predicted me a B.


I got all my predictions too. Science = B. English = B. Maths = C since Richard is slightly stupid and entered me in foundation instead of higher. Le sigh.

I want above a B in Science.


This no scales thing is killing me. Almost as much as how slowly today is going. I hate not knowing what I weigh. It's like not knowing how many calories are in what you ate. Slow torture.

Still fat no matter what the number, though.


I need something to do. I'm slowly going insane. Why couldn't I have chosen today to go and see the Titanic? I'd continue reading a book I bought last night but I have no concentration to do so. No concentration but a ton of energy. It makes no sense and it's really annoying. You know when you are manic and want to do a billion things? I'm crazy, I know.

la de da di la crazy. ;)

I'm going to go exercise on the cross trainer and try to get rid of some of this energy. Me and it have become best friends this week. If only I could take it home...

Take care
xxxx