Saturday, 31 December 2011

Last day of 2011

It's time for me to stop ducking blogger and actually post!

Christmas went fine. Not too much food actually which surprised me. A LOT of alcohol, but alcohol doesn't scare me like food does. My Christmas dinner ended up being pizza lol. So not traditional in any shape or form, but Christmas isn't really traditional anymore. It's just an over commercialised holiday these days.

It's fine. Christmas only comes once year. Not feeling these gained pounds though and that is why I am glad Christmas only comes once a year. Fuck that song wishing for it every day! I'd be bigger than an house if that happened!

It's the last day of 2011 and I'm kind of scared. I don't know how 2012 is going to go and I don't know. I somehow just don't predict it being better than this year. I have no idea why, but I think it will be worse. Not because I want it to be or anything, just because the ED and things are getting worse. Worse than they were when 2011 started anyway. I don't see it improving any time soon. I want it to be a good year though. Or at least an okay year.

I'm heading out in a few hours to enter 2012 drunk and yeah. Hopefully it's another good night. I haven't had any sleep though so it could go either. Actually, knowing my friends, it could go either way anyway.

I should do my hair. I've not used any heated products on it in over two weeks! Shocking, right?!
I need to read blogs.
I need to take my braids out.
Actually, I need a shower first.

Happy New Year!

Take care

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Merry Christmas

Have a fantastic day guys. Try not to let things get in the way of having fun.

Take care

Monday, 19 December 2011

Drunken whatever

I never blogged again. I think my New Years resolution needs to be to blog daily and not put it off.

I hate the holidays.
I hate the fact they revolve around food.
I hate the fact it is fricking freezing.
I hate the fact they are just about spending stupid amounts of money on people you aren't even keen on.
I just hate the holidays.

I'm not all bah humbug or anything. I don't like Easter or Halloween for pretty much the same reasons. I still celebrate them though because it would be slightly weird not to. Still, I sort of can't wait to go back to college and have my days filled up with the same ordinary shit over and over.

David and a few others are coming over in a wee while with alcohol and movies. :) Such a lovely boyfriend lol. So lovely. I do like the holidays for the fact I get to spend more time with people I like.

I've decided that when I lose 11kg I can ask for more help for the bulimia. I hate bulimia, yet purging... Purging gives me, I don't know about other bulimics, but it gives me a feeling of comfort. I think that is why the purging has always been a part of my ED. Even when the labels and diagnosis's have been different, purging in one form or another has always been there. I cant imagine it not being a part of my eating disorder. Like, in a sense, the thought of not purging is just as scary as not having an ED.

^^ Haha I should write that down to tell my doctor actually. I can be so much more honest once I am not sober. Still as anxious and that, but much more honest. I might try writing things down and handing it in at the surgery before our next appointment. That way it is easier.

I just read one of the nicest things on Facebook.
85 percent of people wish that they were perfect. 75 percent of the people who know those people, already think they are. Don't ever wish you were someone else because chances are, there is someone out there wishes they were you.

 So cute!

Take care

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

People are overrated!

I freaking hate people! I really do. Especially people like half my stupid class because they are the type of people who made my ED and SH so much worse in high school! Did I just put some of the blame of my issues on others? Too right!

Honestly though, I actually screamed at them in class. It has just got to the point where I am beyond pissed at them. This is college. There is no law saying they have to be there. They could just stay home and do jack shit whilst living up to their full potential of smoking pot and watching Jeremy Kyle. I thought I had left this drama crap in high school. Even then, I think we had the ability to more in high school because there was detention and isolation there.

Gah. Fuck. Crap. Shit. Bastard. Bleh. Swearing doesn't help, hence the fact I don't really swear in real life. I don't do stress. All it does is make me self harm more, make the eating disorder worse and make my anxiety go through the roof. Oh, and it tends to affect the OCD more. Oh the joyous fun! *sarcastic smile*

At least from 11am on Friday I have 2 and a half weeks to be as messed up as I want to be and not have to worry about it. :D Sorry. I'm in a real self destruct mood/mode kind of thing. Ignore any rambling lol. I was talking to Christine and Emma today though which made things a little better. We all had a moan about the students (wahey for having tutors who dislike certain students just as much as you!) and just talked in general. Kind of nice to just tale and things.

I was talking to the kid who did the whole self harm attention thing a few weeks ago yesterday and scarily enough, we are so similar. Really similar in terms of mental health which is sort of scary. Talking to him, I actually understand him more and kind of like him. Not in that way, but he is actually... Nice. Who would have thought it hey?

I also confessed to him, L*, B* (of sorts) and P* I have/had/whatever ocd, gad, bipolar and depression. I left out the eating disorder and self harm and just said there are other things I don't quite feel comfortable talking about yet. They were cool with it and surprisingly, I found myself feeling comfortable with the idea of telling people. I'm obviously not going to right now or anything, but they know it is medical and been going on for nearly 13 years. L* actually used to have bulimia when she was younger. I think that's what made me feel more okay with the idea of her knowing. B* was there though and I only trust L* and R* mainly. The boy I don't mind knowing because how can he be judgemental when he has 'issues' etc. P* I'm not so sure about. But I definitely don't trust B* knowing. The entire class would bloody know in 2 minutes flat!

For people asking in my last post, microdermals look like this picture I found on Google.
I'm definitely going to get hip and collarbone ones. I put off tattoos last year until I am at least 25 (to know if I really want them or just want them because it is now legal), so I am definitely getting piercings this year. I've already said in class in front of the people I like and my tutor that I am getting them on my birthday so I can't go back on it now. :)

I'll read your blogs and comment in the morning. I'm shattered and just blah, plus David's here.

Take care

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Only a few more days!

Until I don't have to wake up at 5am! I think I am liking that aspect about the two weeks off college than anything else. I think I might just have to start a countdown. :)

I'm debating whether to get microdermals under my collarbones. I'm getting my hip dermals and nose done for my birthday, I'm just stuck as to whether I should get collarbones done too. I think I might. I should..

I'm off to the gym in a wee bit with David since I am beyond bored and need to do something. Anything. The gym sounds a good idea though. A good workout is always good. I've just realised how many times I have used the word 'good' lol.

I really need to drink more water. I really don't drink enough of anything throughout the day. I should buy them 1 litre bottles of Evian (I think we all know that I am a water snob lol) and make sure to drink at least 1 a day.

Does anybody else plan out their food for the next week or whatever? For some reason, I feel much more in control of things when I do. Though Christmas seems to make December pure hell when it comes to the ED and the purging side of things. I'd take January over it since nobody over indulges in January because they all want to lose the few pounds they gained over Christmas.

Take care

Thursday, 8 December 2011

I'm so bad at posting lately so you can have some pictures :P

College is taking up all my time. Bloody essays! Speaking of which, I have to write one in class today that I am still finishing the plan for. I think it's done now though. I hope it is at least. I need to get a shower lol.

I look really weird with my glasses on. I look like a completely different person according to everyone who knows me. I'd pretty much agree depending which pair of glasses I wear.

That is the sort of shade of brown I dyed my hair weeks ago and said I would take a picture of. My webcam is bad at taking photos at my friends though. My hair has grown loads! It grows really fast which is pretty surprising.
 I've still got to finish my Christmas shopping. I've done most of it nearly and my apartment is sweet/chocolate heaven! It would be a little kids best friend lol. I am sick of having sweets and chocolate bought for me though. 1) I can't eat dairy. 2) The sweets are never vegetarian. I'd much rather have crackers or something lol.

I do need to go shopping for more gifts after English today though. Who knew it could be so hard to buy for boys? I'm absolutely stumped at what to buy.

I didn't quite lose the 3.2kg thanks to the ever wondering thing that is the period. I think I was like a kg off or something. Maybe just under 1kg. I did hit a lowest weight in years though which I am okay about.

I feel worried about having my picture on here now. I have some weird vision that someone I know will see them and I never used to be worried about things like that.

I'm 122.8lbs at the moment and would like to be 118lbs by the time college is out next Friday. I think that is the first time I have typed out my weight on here in... Ages! I don't do it often on PT either. When I am on there, that is.

Take care

Saturday, 3 December 2011

The 3rd of December

First thing is first. My sports tutor is so cute. So cute in fact, that I am going to pick sport as my optional lesson after the Christmas holidays. Obviously it isn't just because he is good looking...

Going back to yesterday, none of us realised that we would have to spend more than an hour in the college gym. Can I just say that it is not fun, nor is it easy, to work out in skinny jeans and boots? It isn't an experience I ever wish to try again. It was nice to have an unexpected workout though. Even if I didn't smell as nice leaving the gym as I did entering the gym. :P

I hate not weighing myself on the weekends. It's frustrating for a lot of reasons, but good for a load of others. Bleh. I don't know. A break from the scale has never killed anyone, right? Surprisingly, I never used the scales for the first few years of my ED. I was always much more of a tape measure fan. Now, I rarely use a tape measure.

I've got lots of shopping to do tomorrow. Unfortunately none of it is for clothes. :( I don't really need more clothes (apart from skinny jeans) though. When I was doing the ironing and putting my clothes away before college the other day, I realised I have so many clothes I haven't even worn! Or I've worn them once and never again. I get stuck in a rut with favourite clothes sometimes.

Take care

Thursday, 1 December 2011

35 pounds ago...

I bought a lovely pair of shoes today to celebrate of sorts getting the highest English result again. It is safe to say I am amazing when it comes to English. :P
Back on the subject of the shoes. It made me realise (since they were £35) that I had lost 35lbs since telling my doctor and yet I don't see it. It's kind of not fair that we can never see how we really look but other people can.

I'm freezing tonight. The apartment is pretty warm too which is thoroughly annoying. I hate being cold.

I cannot believe it is December! Gosh. I should probably get started on that Christmas shopping at some point. I can't say I want to, but I should. I don't know what to buy people apart from obscene amounts of chocolate and sweets and biscuits. I quite like feeding people haha. Me and my friends have all already decided what we are going to have for Christmas dinner. I want a tofu and vegetable stir fry with rice noodles. I considered the vegetarian version of Christmas dinner but I can't be bothered with it.

I have 3.2kg to lose by next Wednesday (7th). Completely possible, completely needed.

Take care