Sunday, 27 November 2011

I am a terrible blogger

I've become so terrible at blogging. Half is down to me just recovering from what the heck ever I had (seriously, my immune system seems to have turned to shit -_-), the other half is down to... Laziness.

Well, I gained weight earlier this month, got depressed at the number I saw on the scales, restricted, then fasted (or is that fasting?) lost 11lbs from the 16th to the 25th, haven't weighed myself since Friday and am only a few pounds away from the lowest weight I have been in 4 or so years? No, it's not a low weight in terms of weights I have been, it's just a low weight since the ED became EDNOS then Bulimia.

Bear Grylls is sort of yummy. Stupid name, but yummy.

I felt really bad the other day. I saw a picture of someone I was best friends with on Facebook, and all I could think was how I never want to look like her. Not so much her weight because she has always been big (and I am not all that shallow), just the fact she dresses as though she is a size 6 but is really a size 16. I felt quite bad for some reason though. Maybe I am shallow. Or maybe I just never want to look like I have more make up on than an oompa loompa and like my clothes wear me rather than I wear my clothes? Hmm.

I was purging earlier today (bit pointless since I haven't eaten in 8 days or something) and noticed blood. It wasn't anything I had drunk because I haven't drank anything red. I brushed it off. No big deal. It's funny how nothing is a big deal when it is us but when it is somebody else, we get all concerned and the sort. Same when we do stupid shit. We don't care when we are doing it ourselves, but if one of our friends is doing it, it becomes a big no no. Us humans are funny little things, aren't we?

Going back to the counselling thing I spoke about whenever it was I last posted. I have to wait for an initial assessment which will take - wait for it - 8 to 12 weeks. Such a joke. I can't even be arse with it to be quite frank. Fricking counselling at college would be easier though that isn't something I would ever do. It's funny how we decided on the counselling/therapy route because it would be faster than the ED centre route... Sure it is.
It's a good thing I am not aiming to recover isn't it? God have mercy on my soul the day I attempt that.

Take care


  1. At least you are all better again. =]
    You best be taking care of yourself missy! especially with the low weight and purging issue.

    ED help seems to be a postcode lottery thing. You get better help depending where you live and, of course, depending what ED you have. Hang in there.

    Take care with the fast. xxxxxx

  2. oh darling! Please be careful, if you're seeing blood that's not good. The lining of your esophagus could tear and I've heard that's incredibly painful and risky. Take it easy for at least a few days and let your throat heal!!

  3. blood is so so very bad- please be careful :(

    love hugs!

  4. i no how shit services are up north and the whole bollocks on funding.
    Hope u feel better honey and that u take care of yourself.
    much love honey

  5. Hey have missed reading your blog! hope you feel better soon, and well done on the weight loss. Yeah I know what you mean, when people I know restrict I always become a bit hypocritical haha. Good luck with the counselling when it finally happens. Stay strong, it sounds like your doing great :) xx

  6. please stay healthy, lovely! and i know how you feel about never wanting to end up like someone you know, one of my friends is a size 16 and dresses as a size 6, and i never want to be like that! xo.

  7. 11 lbs in 9 days?! Wow! :o
    Sorry to hear about the purging. I often see blood in my vomit. Not that it's blood when it comes out. Just small little red dots in my saliva (too gross?). I don't think it's a big deal. Probably just because I scrape my neck or something. But now when you told me, I feel all like "Oh no!!!". Then I read one line more, and I actually smilled. I can so recognize myself in that.

    Good luck with all of it love.
    Stay strong! <3

  8. Getting to a new lowest weight always feels euphoric :) congrats. I have had a few bulimic episodes over thanksgiving break, but it helped me fast. I hope your counseling thing goes well.

  9. I don't think it's shallow not to want to look like you wear clothes that don't fit. Don't be silly =)

  10. That's an amazing loss, but please be careful! Blood doesn't sound good at all!
    I know what you mean about size 16 wearing size 6 :/ looks awful! I will never be happy with my body, for fear of looking like that!
    Lottie x

  11. Congrats on the weight loss!! I think the blood is just where your throat is so sore :( Drink some diet shakes, to line your throat, i get what you mean about the counselling...but try it? You never know, and you can always say its not for you once you've had one session, thats what i did :) xx

  12. I hope you're okay darling.
    Just remember that we're all thinking of you, and if to get better is what you want; you deserve it.
    so much love.