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Sunday, 27 November 2011

I am a terrible blogger

I've become so terrible at blogging. Half is down to me just recovering from what the heck ever I had (seriously, my immune system seems to have turned to shit -_-), the other half is down to... Laziness.

Well, I gained weight earlier this month, got depressed at the number I saw on the scales, restricted, then fasted (or is that fasting?) lost 11lbs from the 16th to the 25th, haven't weighed myself since Friday and am only a few pounds away from the lowest weight I have been in 4 or so years? No, it's not a low weight in terms of weights I have been, it's just a low weight since the ED became EDNOS then Bulimia.

Bear Grylls is sort of yummy. Stupid name, but yummy.

I felt really bad the other day. I saw a picture of someone I was best friends with on Facebook, and all I could think was how I never want to look like her. Not so much her weight because she has always been big (and I am not all that shallow), just the fact she dresses as though she is a size 6 but is really a size 16. I felt quite bad for some reason though. Maybe I am shallow. Or maybe I just never want to look like I have more make up on than an oompa loompa and like my clothes wear me rather than I wear my clothes? Hmm.

I was purging earlier today (bit pointless since I haven't eaten in 8 days or something) and noticed blood. It wasn't anything I had drunk because I haven't drank anything red. I brushed it off. No big deal. It's funny how nothing is a big deal when it is us but when it is somebody else, we get all concerned and the sort. Same when we do stupid shit. We don't care when we are doing it ourselves, but if one of our friends is doing it, it becomes a big no no. Us humans are funny little things, aren't we?

Going back to the counselling thing I spoke about whenever it was I last posted. I have to wait for an initial assessment which will take - wait for it - 8 to 12 weeks. Such a joke. I can't even be arse with it to be quite frank. Fricking counselling at college would be easier though that isn't something I would ever do. It's funny how we decided on the counselling/therapy route because it would be faster than the ED centre route... Sure it is.
It's a good thing I am not aiming to recover isn't it? God have mercy on my soul the day I attempt that.

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

All things ED

I have the worst sore throat and cough. You've got to love sitting next to sick people and catching what they have right? Though with any luck, I can get my voice to completely go and stay gone until next Friday. ;) I can't say I really want to do our speaking and listening English assessment next week. Talking in front of an entire class when you have bad anxiety isn't exactly the definition of fun. If only we didn't have to be sober to do it... ;)

I weighed myself this morning and can't say I like the number. So I'm starting a fast tomorrow.

I was googling swollen glands for someone in English class earlier today, and the first thing that came up was, "Swollen Glands and Your Bulimia." I laughed at the irony. Also in English, L* couldn't remember the lactose intolerant name when she was talking to her dad the other night, and she said she thought it was laxative intolerance. I also laughed at that. As did R*, Emma and P*. I laughed more when I thought it through. Just think, laxatives make you poop. Taking things you are intolerant to make you poop. Twice the poop. ;D It made us laugh anyway.

Everything today seemed to revolve around my ED in some way or my diet. Honest to God it is annoying to have to say over and over that I am a vegetarian when people keep offering me sweets. I realised that Starbursts are vegetarian today, but since I have never eaten them, I was reluctant to try them in English. L* also insisted my diet was more vegan than vegetarian. I would agree with her if I didn't eat Quorn products. I'd sort of like to try being fully vegan though. It'd probably be pretty easy.

I bought two size 6 dresses and a few other things the other day which proves that vanity sizing is pretty rife. I was having the conversation with the above people (L*, R*, P* and Emma) when we was talking about clothes. Now, I am (realistically) not fat, but I am not a UK size 6 at my current weight. Not even being 5'6 could make me a size 6. It's still a little loose on the waist, but I actually really like them. I must admit it gives you a bit of an ego boost when you take clothes with a size 6 hanger to the tills though. :P I might post pictures of them next week when I wear them.

I dyed my hair darker and got it cut. I'm so not impressed with how much hair got taken off. It is now exactly the same length (and colour scarily enough) as Emma's which isn't terrible because it looks lovely and healthy (my hair, not Emma), but by gosh I do miss the inches. I think I have a picture on webcam of how long it was before and I'll take a picture of it tomorrow. I've decided I am not going to colour my hair for quite some time and let it grow.

I am going to stop writing before I bore you all to death. :P And before I become more frustrated at accidentally locking the mouse pad thing when I touch it.

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Catch up

So I am back. Again.

I gave up on my old laptop and bought another one instead. I used the excuse that I got the highest mark in my English exam as my reason for buying it haha. I got 13 out of 15 again like I did in my mock one, so I am okay with that. I was dreading it being worse which a lot of people in my class ended up doing. I'm doing pretty good in that class to say I never really did English in high school. It must come naturally like Maths does. :P I've just got to wait on the results from the test we did Wednesday and Thursday in English. Hopefully we'll get them next week or the week after.

Things are alright though. I actually ate in front of two friends in college plus Christine and Emma. I actually felt really proud of myself because I don't eat in front of people a lot. Especially ones that know about my ED which the tutors do. So yeah. It's kind of lame, but I was pleased with that. I must say, my college does a really good vegetable stir fry!

I had a doctors appointment on Thursday. I always seem to see him on a Thursday which I do no mind because there is 3 days before it and 3 days after it. Yeah, I like the number 3 if I haven't mentioned. Plus it is the 4th day of the week and 4 is my favourite number. I've ventured straight off of the point as to why I went haven't I? He sprung a 'surprise' blood test on me. That is never good when you have cuts and things all up your arms. It's also not good when you haven't eaten either. But yeah. The lecture aka 'concerned talk' I got off the nurse was just unreal. I wanted to laugh because when I'm nervous, I laugh. I don't mean to, I just do. She got my doctor to come in for a 'chat' too. It was such a fun 2 hours I ended up spending there. He did referrals and stuff from that letter Jess sent him a while back so I have to wait for them or whatever. I did get given the worst tasting medicine for my anaemia though. It's sugar free and disgusting! I'd rather have it loaded with sugar like my last one was haha.

I've got the spend until Tuesday morning studying for my Physics exam. It's easy enough really. Just boring. I have no interest in heat or electricity whatsoever. I think I'll spend the weekend switching between exercising and studying. No alcohol!

Is there anything else I wanted to write about? Oh. Richard has gone from Maths for now. :( The new Maths teacher isn't to my taste at all. 5 minutes into Maths on Wednesday and me and P* wanted Richard back. I can't be doing with Martin. He actually reminds me of Martin Clunes I think his name his. I do like the fact he lets us keep our earphones in though. It makes it easier to do algebra when you can't hear him. ;)

So I've now got to play catch up with blogs. Fun, fun.

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 5 November 2011

November

I just realised, my last post wasn't exactly positive, was it? Then I didn't blog again. Or go online actually. The laptop has just been sat there since Tuesday collecting dust.

So, yeah. Hi?

Things have actually been a little bit better not spending time online. I can't say I actually miss sitting in front of the laptop because I've actually been spending time with my friends and that. Plus college started up again which is so good. Just because I am determined to keep the 100% thing lol. But college distracts me from SH and the eating disorder for a few hours each day, which is nice.

Or rather it did. We have a super attention seeking guy in our class. He's the type who uses any little problem he has as an excuse for everything. Well, Wednesday, me and my friend were waiting for our next lesson, tutorial, (with Christine) straight after English (with Emma) instead of going for lunch, and he sat next to us for some reason. He only ever sits/talks/does anything near or to us. Anyway. He had his sleeves up like most people tend to, excluding me lol. But he walks, or rather stomps, off and came back a few minutes later with scratches on his harm. He repeated this process a few times, but left his sleeves up so me and R* could see them.

It frustrated the shit out of me because if you self harm, you are not leaving your fucking sleeves up so people can see. Jesus Christ. It's like me walking around with a flipping vest top on. I understand not giving a shit about scars, but actual cuts you just did? I wanted to smack him. I really, really wanted to smack him. It just frustrated me because in my opinion, that's just for attention. People just... Don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Who am I to judge and all that jazz, but when you do it yourself, you sort of understand it. In my opinion, and I'm not sorry for thinking it, that is all attention seeking.

We talked to Christine and Emma about it like anybody would, and we did it in a respectful way like you should, and that was just... *aims gun at head* I love Christine and Emma because they are so nice, but the way tutors stick up for him is just annoying. I understand he has issues, like hello(!), but come on. You have to take responsibility for your actions at some point. To self harm in college is just wrong, and I don't care if it is your coping mechanism, or your way of getting attention... Plus, it means he brought a blade into college which is, 1) against the law since I highly doubt it is under 2 inches (I think blades have to be under 2 inches. Don't quote me.), and, 2) would, or rather should, get you kicked out of college because you can't take weapons in there.

But yeah. It pissed me off which both Christine and Emma could tell. When I get angry, I want to cry. I have no idea why because it's just stupid. It also makes me want to punch a wall or cut, but I'll take the tears of frustration. :P

Enough of him because he annoys me. The situation annoys me because I am pissed he brought me and R* into. He should have just pulled his sleeves down like he did when Chrisine and then everyone else got to the floor/classroom. It would be like me flaunting my SH. Or me flaunting my ED or whatever else. I'm not saying ignore your problems, but don't show them off like it's the latest fashion. *End of the matter*

How much did I just write on that?! This is going to be so long, I can just tell.

Going back to college though, I am pretty much around/above a A grade in both Maths and English. *happy party* We've got to start our second assessment in Engish on Wednesday and the week after we have a Science test. If we fail (because of the whole crappy teacher thing, learning the wrong thing, having just 4? lessons on Physics?), we do get to sit it again. I don't want to fail though. It's going to take some major studying to actually take it in because Physics is the most boring subject ever. Pretty easy, but mind crippling. I need a B in Science, but want to get an A.

It's bonfire night and I'm off out with a couple of friends tonight. I can't say I am a fan of fireworks and the sort, which thankfully there isn't a lot of where I live, but it's an excuse to go out and be social. Even though it is freezing and wet, I'm not staying in or spending time on the computer because that is boring. I'd rather freeze haha.

I'm sure I have missed loads out of the week, but I'd rather go off and read/comment and then the gym. It's not been much of an interesting week really. Take the self harm out, take the ED out, take the rest of my issues out, and you are left with a week full of college, studying and going out. And the gym.

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Halloween

I've actually had a good night.

Yet all I want to do is cut.

And cry.

And cut.

I wish my friends would go to bed so I could.
I'm glad they haven't.
I'm not glad.

FML.

xx