Saturday, 10 September 2011
I want to eat.
I can't get myself to eat.
I want to be me. Who I used to be.
I don't know who 'me' is and I can't remember what I used to be like.
I want to stop purging.
I can't get myself to stop.
I don't want to be me.
I have no other option.
I want to be normal.
I don't know how to be normal.
I don't want to cry.
I can't bottle it up.
I don't want to keep self harming.
I can't stop the urge to do it.
I don't want to be this way.
I don't remember being any other way.
I want an hug.
I have pushed most people away.
I want to change.
I am too afraid to try to recover.
I want to go to medical school.
I see that dream go down the sink/toilet each time I throw up.
I see it fade each day I continue not eating.
I am just.. Tired of all this. Fed up. It's simply exhausting. It's exhausting being me.
Change of plans today. I'm with David at his place having a pj and TV night which is much better than being at home alone. It's been one of them days for so many reasons and if I hear another friend complain about their ridiculous problems to me, I am going to scream. Or shoot myself! Well I would if I had a gun. I wish people would realise how ridiculous their 'problems' are. It leaves me astounded that they think certain things are worthy of complaining about. People.
Um, I have a feeling I left something out of the blog yesterday.. Oh yes! I have a job interview on the 29th? I'm attempting to be positive about it. It's hard to stay positive when it seems impossible to get jobs these days, but I'm doing that positive thing.
Gosh it is too warm here. I would wear a vest instead of a long sleeved top but stupidity, self harm and a crappy day got the better of me. Ah well. I've started working in kilos instead of lbs for some reason. I think it's because that's what the doctors scales are in even though he converts it to lbs because he doesn't get kilos. Confusing right?