Saturday, 10 September 2011

The tenth

I want to eat.
I can't get myself to eat.

I want to be me. Who I used to be.
I don't know who 'me' is and I can't remember what I used to be like.

I want to stop purging.
I can't get myself to stop.

I don't want to be me.
I have no other option.

I want to be normal.
I don't know how to be normal.

I don't want to cry.
I can't bottle it up.

I don't want to keep self harming.
I can't stop the urge to do it.

I don't want to be this way.
I don't remember being any other way.

I want an hug.
I have pushed most people away.

I want to change.
I am too afraid to try to recover.

I want to go to medical school.
I see that dream go down the sink/toilet each time I throw up.
I see it fade each day I continue not eating.

I am just.. Tired of all this. Fed up. It's simply exhausting. It's exhausting being me.

Change of plans today. I'm with David at his place having a pj and TV night which is much better than being at home alone. It's been one of them days for so many reasons and if I hear another friend complain about their ridiculous problems to me, I am going to scream. Or shoot myself! Well I would if I had a gun. I wish people would realise how ridiculous their 'problems' are. It leaves me astounded that they think certain things are worthy of complaining about. People.

Um, I have a feeling I left something out of the blog yesterday.. Oh yes! I have a job interview on the 29th? I'm attempting to be positive about it. It's hard to stay positive when it seems impossible to get jobs these days, but I'm doing that positive thing.

Gosh it is too warm here. I would wear a vest instead of a long sleeved top but stupidity, self harm and a crappy day got the better of me. Ah well. I've started working in kilos instead of lbs for some reason. I think it's because that's what the doctors scales are in even though he converts it to lbs because he doesn't get kilos. Confusing right?

Take care.


  1. Your real "me" will become clear someday, and I think the only way to find that person is to recover because at the moment your personality is being covered up by your ED.
    You can stop purging, it's tricky but possible (and you don't have to do it alone, you can ask for help to stop from friends or your doctor or something?), you just need to take it day by day and not let those slip ups get to you and to just keep going and one day you'll just stop forever.
    I'm sorry you're so down, but it's good in a way that you don't want to do this (though, crappy as you don't know how to stop)

    *hugs*, sorry you feel you've pushed people away :( but, that's not your fault, it's not your fault you have an ED and so its not your fault they left. I lost most of my friends as it's easier to ignore someone than worry about them so could it be that with your friends?

    It's okay to be scared to recover, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Recovery is good, it's the best decision I ever made - my grades are back, people are talking to me at school, I can think right and decide what to do with my life, I'm happier generally and panic less and all that. Don't rule out recovery just because you're scared as it's a slow process so gradually your mindset will change and once you're recovered the fear will go.

    Sorry people have got you down today - that's good you're not alone right now though (:

    Good luck with the interview! Xxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. I hope you feel better soon.
    I feel the same when I comes to people complaining about petty things, I just want to take them by the shoulders and tell them to be grateful for what they have because someone else always has it worse.

    Oh, and good luck with the interview! You'll be great.

  3. kgs = twf!
    ope ur job interview goes ok
    just had my last day at mine they got me a card and two boxes of chocolates which was sweet im really guna miss them
    annd about all the things you want honey
    someone said to me recently that getting where u want to be in life should be the biggest motivator to stay healthy bcoz havin an ed stops you achieving your potential
    eveything is achievable you have to believe in yourself and just keep reminding yourself what you want your life to be like
    living witha a a horrible ed is not a life
    list all reasons for keeping and not and keep reminding yourself of the list what your missing out on and what the ed takes away from you!
    much love

  4. I get confused with kilos and lbs as well..
    I'm following you, return love back?

  5. I'm so sorry. This is the part of myself that I hate the most, the one that's full of contradictions and hopelessness. I wish there was a way to fix it. If you want to talk, you can email me.

    PJs and TV sound nice. Too nice. In a sort of yes-that-let's-do-that-forever way :/

    Good luck on the job interview, though! I bet you'll get the job, you come across whip-smart in writing.