Thursday, 8 September 2011
The doctors went pretty good. We/I agreed to the counselling and the eating disorder unit referral. It's still not recovery though. Just me being a good patient and attempting to work on other issues.
I had pretty low test results for most things (iron, potassium etc) and ended up having some supplement things. Another iron one which is one of the last things to try and get it up to a decent level because the tablets make me really ill and I end up throwing up. Plus they make my heart do funny things which isn't good when you already have issues with the thing lol. I have to wait for the letter from the other places though so we can build up a mental health team. That sort of scares.
I let him weigh me this time (I told him my weight last time since it was 4pm or something) and didn't just give the routine "I'm okay" reply. I was kind of happy with that.
I must be really huggable too because I got a half hug/pat on the back once I had talked about the self harm which didn't want to come out. I ended up telling him that I know what I am going to say until I am in front of him and then I get worried about it. He joked that it wasn't that, I was just distracted by his amazing good looks... That was met with me attempting to not die from laughing! xD <<< I do have a funny doctor! I showed him the recent cuts/burns/bruises though. Well not all of them. I'm not up for pulling my trousers down no matter how nice a guy he is. We ended up moving onto the subject of suicide ( "/ ) and if it ever seems like there is just no point to life. I've got to admit, it's a daily thought. It's always in the back of my head but I would never do it. It's tried and failed 2-3 times and it's just not worth it. It doesn't stop the thought/urge though does it? Anyway, the next time I want to hurt myself or feel like there is no point to life, I have to make an emergency appointment. That alone made me feel a little crazy.
Going back to the things not coming out, I tend to have everything in my mind what I am going to say whilst I am sat in the waiting room and then once I get in there, I think everything sounds too serious to say out loud and get put off talking about it. Then I end up saying it after God knows how many attempts. People are so patient with my super anxious ass.
Emma hugged me yesterday too. Maybe it's because I look like I am a kid. Nothing to do with weight, I just really do not look like I am nearly 19. If I had gone to medical school this year people would have thought I'd skipped a few years to get there. :P
Oh, something to make you laugh. I pretty much said France was in the UK and was shocked when he said France is abroad (he asked if I had been abroad on holiday or traveled this year), I replied with "Really? France is not in the UK?!" so seriously and I sounded pretty shocked. That in itself qualifies me for the stupidest patient award. I had to laugh at myself because that completely made talking about the self harm easier. I can't say I have ever left the doctors with a smile apart from today. :)
Sorry for the blog all being on the same topic. It's all that is on my mind right now.
I did have a weird dream last night. My doctor and the other GP's who work with him were at my college doing some speech on healthy eating and being a student and everyone was listening to them (students, tutors, students families/friends etc). All of a sudden my doctor said my entire name and started talking about everything I've talked to him about and then everyone knew. I was so glad I woke up! It definitely made me not want to fall back asleep.