Thursday, 29 September 2011

The twenty-ninth

I have really bad anxiety today. My heart feels like it is going to come out of my chest.
Maybe it's the purging instead. :/ I do still feel like the room is spinning even though I am sat down.
No, it's the anxiety still.

I haven't blogged in days! I meant to last night but it was my 'friend's' 19th and I felt obliged to go out with them. It was quite fun actually even though I didn't drink anything alcoholic. You know when you are just not in the mood to drink but you also sort of are? Yeah.

Yesterday was such a bizarre day. A girl in my class doing a story thing on someone with anorexia but didn't even understand/know what eating disorders are didn't help. It's so hard not to actually blurt out everything about my ED when people are so fricking stupid and ignorant about them. it would help to actually know something about the thing your report is going to be based on. Alas, that is why I decided to do mine on medicine. :P I'm good at writing about medical things. It was that, or eating disorders. I was feeling up to writing about eating disorders in the first person. Too close to home.

Ooh! I am now a brunette! It still has a tint of auburn in like my natural colour does, but it's darker I think. I think I am going to leave it dark for a while, get it cut and then grow it out. It's getting to the length where curls can actually sit comfortably in it so it is about time to lay off the hair dye and let it be healthy.
I miss been ginger though. I actually love that hair colour.

I'll reply to comments in a wee while. I need to finish my English stuff which I would have done in class if I hadn't left early (by the way, interview went alright. It was (ironically) with somebody I used to work with which was nice.) this afternoon.
Plus I want a nap lol. I feel old saying that but not going to bed until 03:30 and waking up just before 05:00 for college isn't easy on the body. Even more so with the ridiculously hot weather the UK is getting right now. It's enough to make the average person want to pass out. So put all the ED stuff and that into a pot with super hot weather and it's not a good combo lol. Hot weather in September... Madness!

Take care

Monday, 26 September 2011

The twenty-sixth

I completely forgot to press publish post last night and turned the computer off to go to bed lol. xD

So the appointment went okay. She thinks it is like, the wrong service because the stuff they do is really short term and she feels I need long term support/help so she is going to call my doctor and they'll discuss what sort of direction to go in. So I should get a phone call on Thursday or Friday which isn't good simply because I have college both days and the interview on Thursday. :/ I guess I'll be listening to a voicemail lol.

I wonder what route they'll end up suggesting. It actually makes me nervous thinking about it because some of the things she suggested were... I don't know. It feels like everyone but me takes this deadly serious lol. I take it serious, just not in the sense of wanting to change right now which people know and seem to accept of sorts...

I did realise how bad my anxiety and things are this morning though. I could barely talk and I felt like I was going to die! She pointed it out that I have terrible anxiety and all I could think in my head was "Oh, you so smart!"

It hasn't been a terrible day though. I went to my favourite park with friends and enjoyed what was left of the day. It was nice to do something outside the house and be semi social. :)

I am sure I had so much more I wanted to write but I am so tired! I had to wake up way too early for a Monday morning and the travelling was a real chore. The bus went through 4 or 5 different parts of Leeds before getting to where I actually needed to be. :|

Take care.

Sunday, 25 September 2011

The twenty-fifth

I've been sat here for around 20 minutes thinking about what it was I turned the computer back on for. Then I realised it was to use blogger. xD

Most of my afternoon has been spent downloading songs to update the phone and iPod because it is desperately needed. 200+ extra songs and I have just remembered a whole load more I want. This happens every time I get motivated to do this. I put it off for so long that I forget half of them.

It's my appointment tomorrow which means I should technically go to bed soon because I have to be up super early. Technically. I'm not tired though. Just a little nervous about the morning but I'm distracting myself so that I don't over think it all. It probably won't work but I can try right? :) I don't think it will be too bad in the slightest. I just think about things too much sometimes. It reminds me of job and college interviews. You are nervous until you get there and then you relax a little.

I might go to the library tomorrow and study/read. It'll be something different to studying at home because it gets boring after a while and I end up flicking through channels or on the net. All I seem to blog about is studying! I need to grab a life. ;)

She better be nice tomorrow... I hope she's nice. Or at least decent.

Take care

Saturday, 24 September 2011

The twenty-fourth

I ended up sleeping most of my day away which is something I haven't done in so long. I didn't get out of bed until just before 4pm.

I woke up to like, 7 emails about comments on here, a bunch of random emails, a load of texts and 2 missed calls. Oops? It's not like any of it was important though. Just people wanting to know if I was going out and such which obviously I am not because besides the fact I am still(!) ill, it's freezing out! I am seriously freezing my butt off and that is inside! My friend came over for a few hours instead which was nice.

I don't have much to say. I didn't weigh myself this morning because I wasn't awake and then A came over. I might wait until Monday to weigh myself. It's nice to take a break from them stupid white things every once in a while.. ABC is going well as is studying. Studying and ABC... Two topics that are not even related to each other lol. Oh well.

I have nothing to do tomorrow apart from a bit of reading so I might grace the gym with my appearance. I haven't been in a while since I've been exercising at home. It'd be nice to have a wee bit of change in terms of exercising.

Take care

Friday, 23 September 2011

The twenty-third

Ahh I have so many blogs to catch up with! I miss having the time to read them all daily.

I made my appointment today for the mental health team people place.
It's on Monday.


It's so scary! If I hadn't accepted that one though, there was no appointments until the end of October. It's so annoying that the first appointment isn't at my own doctors surgery though. It took me and a friend forever to find it today so I knew where it was on Monday. I told some crap about my reason for needing to go there. I think she is called Jess though. I'm not keen on talking to women. They tend to be such patronizing people lol. I just insulted women and I am one. :| Smart!
I hope she's nice because I am terrified. And annoyed because now I don't even get to spend my day off of college doing something nice.

Ugh. Too much on my mind. Stressful. I need an empty button for it or something. There should be a way to just stop thinking about things. Then again, there should be a lot of things. Bleh.

I have so much work to do. My life right now seems to revolve around college, the ED, talking about the ED, studying, barely sleeping... Endless cycle which is why I am spending my Friday night revising Maths/English/Science whilst watching back to back Two and Half Men instead of out with my lovely friends.

I've got that thing in my mind about weight again. Every time I have an appointment about the eating disorder I get it. It's sort of like a see 'how much you can lose' game thing and it is bloody annoying.

I should get on with my work and ignore everything. A 600 page maths book, a 420 page science book and 3 different English books do not read/study themselves. I don't even need to do some of the work but I'd rather be ahead in my classes than behind.  However, I get to catch up on all your lovely blogs too which is good. :)

I finally took my measurements too. There is quite a big difference (I mean between 2 and 8 inches difference) in everything, yet I don't see it. "/

Take care

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

The twenty-first

Same shit, different day. In most meanings of the sense really.

I saw my doctor this morning when I was setting off to college and ended up saying hi/having a how are you conversation. Anyone would think we were friends lol.

I was talking to Emma today about English and I'm going to be put in Higher Tier which is a yay. Same with Science, Maths and ICT because I am simply amazing at them all. ;) He's married! My Maths tutor, the guy who looks so much younger than he is, is married! I nearly fell off my chair because he looks like he's only just come out of university haha.

He's still cute though.

I talked to Christine about a few things. 3 of us ended up getting a box of chocolates for some thing we did last week and I was like, "I'm lactose intolerant" which was cool though I got the reply "What do you eat then? I mean, what food do you like?"

She got no reply.

It still shocks me how many people act shocked to know you can't eat chocolate. I've never been a chocolate fan in the slightest so I don't get how people can love it. I wonder if people actually believe you when you say you are lactose intolerant or dislike chocolate after telling them you have an eating disorder...

Anyway. We ended up talking about how I need to leave early next Thursday with Emma and then we went to her office where she randomly asked about the ED. Well she called it the 'issue we were talking about the other day' which sounds a bit better doesn't it? The conversation went a little like;

Her: "How'd the 'issue' we talked about?"
Me: "Meh. It's okay I guess." [The sad thing is, I actually said meh lol]
Her: "Better or worse?"
Me: " ... "
Her: "Worse then."
Me: "I guess."
Her: "Is it effecting your performance here? You can get more support."
Me: "No. I am doing alright actually."
Her: "You sure?"
Me: " Pretty sure yeah. I actually do not dislike a lesson which is a first!"
Her: "Would you even admit if things were going bad, both here and at home?"
[Random teacher popped her head around the door and left.]
Me: "Actually, I would. I have. I do. I mean... Haha, yeah."

It was much longer and we ended up on the subject of my cold and sore throat. Both of which are slowly killing me! My eyes are watering every two seconds because I need to sneeze but can't. It's like having hay fever in Autumn! Though I can't say I have ever had hay fever. I keep getting asked if I am okay though because tears roll down my cheeks all the time.

I'll do comments in the morning because I want to get this Maths homework out of the way  even though it isn't due until next Wednesday and have an early night. I'm so exhausted which isn't aided by my body absolutely loving me right now lol. some of you have had some strange comments though. I've had hands/feet ones before and they are just strange!

Take care

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

The twentieth

8pm on a Tuesday and my body seems to think it's Friday! I'm pretty much exhausted which is why I am posting earlier so I can go to bed early. :P

Okay. So I'm going to post some pictures because of a comment I got this afternoon in Schuh on my free period.

Me and a few other girls on my course went shoe shopping to pass the time and I wore shorts today with no tights at first. I was feeling really brave lol. I was trying on these lovely things when one of the shop assistants said I had cute legs.

Cute legs.

What are cute legs?! Me and the others just laughed once he went to get the size smaller for me to try on.

It wasn't even a lame chat up line either because he was as gay as you can come. :P I normally hate compliments, but it was so weird to be told that about my short squidgy legs that I can't hate it lol.

We ended up in McDonald's straight after Science. Oh yeah, the tutor isn't anything to write home about. R* my Maths tutor doesn't have any competition. ;) Shame though. It would have been nice to have 2 hot tutors...
Anyway, I ended up grabbing just a diet coke from McDonald's. It drew a few raised eyebrows and comments but I genuinely am not a fan of their food. Plus, being a vegetarian limits what I can eat. If we had gone next door to Subway I would have been more tempted to get something.

Hmm what else have I done today? Oh yeah. The shorts I am wearing in them pictures are not the ones I wore. They are ones that haven't fit in quite some time. I actually think I bought them around 2 or so years ago lol. So it was nice to fit into them again and it made the day a little bit better. I can't remember what size they are, but a few more pounds lost and they will be a bit more comfortable because I am not a fan of shorts that don't have quite a bit of space.

Today has been okay though. Would have been better without purging/taking lax, but I can deal with that. What I cannot deal with is Mother Nature trying to kill me. I am sneezing every two seconds and my eyes are watering. It looks like I have been crying or something. This sore throat is a killer too. I think I hate purging more for the fact I always get sore throats and things than anything else some days.

I did get around to go and see Steve (finally remembered his name!) but he wasn't in the building at the time so I have to go back tomorrow. We'll meet and talk at some point this term. xD

Anyhoo! What is the weirdest/funniest compliment you have ever gotten from somebody?

Take care

Monday, 19 September 2011

The nineteenth

1 in 40 people have an extra nipple according to some fact on Embarrassing Bodies.

My day hasn't been too bad I guess. I spent most of the morning just walking around town with a friend, looking in shops (I spent way too much in Superdry and Ark lol) and things like that. See, this is why I need a job. My shopping habits are expensive!

I was almost normal. Almost.

It came to getting something to eat which I avoided and got a water instead. We went to Waitrose and I literally walked around twice just putting things back that I had picked up. I did the same in Marks and Spencer a little while later and then didn't even attempt to choose something in Sainsbury. I just got a drink and went for the bus.

I still have some Maths work to do (mainly showing my workings out which is difficult since I do it in my head) but since I don't have Maths until Wednesday, it can wait for tonight so I can caught up on blogs lol. It's the only annoying thing about college/having a social life. You tend to fall behind with things online.

What else... I cut on Sunday. Sucks but hey ho. 
I decided to sort of do the ABC again. I guess in theory it is better than not eating anything for long periods. Well, sort of. I'm not about to try and make sense of it.

I'm seriously having a brain fart today and can't think of what to write.

I have science tomorrow. I have to be there before 9am this time (it's on a completely different campus) and then once that is done I have a 2 hour gap before my next lesson. Or is it 2 and a half hours? Either way it is going to be boring doing nothing until after 1pm. I'll be sure to let you all know if I have a good looking tutor. ;)

There is something else... Oh yeah. I have to see Student Services or something tomorrow? Them dudes that handle health and support etc. I can't remember the guys name I am meant to see though so I'll have to check the voicemail they left me. I'll go and see them once my last lesson is done.

I still haven't got my letter from counselling but oh well. It'll come eventually. Or I'll see my GP eventually lol.

I hope you've all had a decent day.
Take care

Saturday, 17 September 2011

The seventeenth

I've spent most of my day doing Maths/English homework/revision, surfing YouTube and brushing up on Science stuff. I don't ever do interesting things do I? Haha.

I did go to Starbucks and New Look today with a friend. I saw the B-eat t-shirt in New Look and was going to buy it but I decided not to. I felt a little bit hypocritical and decided I'll buy it in a few weeks or something. I still have to buy a dress or something for my interview.

Last night I sort of realised how much I have messed up my teeth over the years when I was brushing them. I dread to think of the dental work I'll end up getting done before getting braces. Dentists scare me a little bit. Not the dentists or what they do, it's mainly the dental students and the fact someone will have their hand in my mouth. I always get too tempted to bite down or something whilst they are talking to me. I still have no idea why they insist on starting a conversation with you whilst you obviously cannot talk back without chomping down on their fingers.

I feel... Confused of sorts today. I think I have the ability to think about things too much on weekends. That is why I have never liked them. It's always more tempting to do stupid things on the weekend for some reason. Then again, living alone it is always tempting to do stupid things. I have noticed that when I do self harm or something, I still do it in secrecy. Like, even though I know nobody could walk in and catch me in the act, I still act all weird and things like I used to when I lived with people.

I need to stop thinking about everything but what I am revising and that. Thinking can be dangerous lol. It should come with a warning label. :P
Anyway. I am going to do some cycling, finish my work and then maybe go to sleep. Or call somebody and distract myself for a while until I am tired.

Take care

Friday, 16 September 2011

The sixteenth

College was cancelled again today. I'll get to do science at some point... Apparently my timetable is back on track on Tuesday since Monday is my study day. I have a guy science tutor so lets hope he can rival my maths tutor on looks. ;) Haha!

I don't know what to write about. I'm still fighting the stupid plateau but I increased my calories a wee bit yesterday and today to maybe help. I think I am going to avoid the scales until Monday morning just for the added motivation to go to the gym and not be a recluse lol.

Whilst I am not losing weight, I seem to be losing inches? The 'perfect' trousers I bought a little while ago are actually loose despite the fact there is probably only 1-2lbs difference in weight from then to now. Which reminds me I still haven't done my measurements! I will remember one day lol. 

Something Emma (one of my tutors. Quite lovely too.) said yesterday made me think.

"We don't know if we cannot do something if we don't try it."

Now, okay, she was talking about something in English, but it can be applied to recovery from an eating disorder or self harm I guess. Or any addiction for that matter. We all say we can't do it or aren't ready, yet we never really attempt it. I don't know if you can ever really be ready for recovery. Sometimes you just have to jump upon that recovery train I guess.
I talk about it as though I am about to attempt recovery which I am not anytime soon, but when she said that all I could think about was how it really applied to recovery and change.

Take care.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

The fourteenth

Super short post because it's really late and I am really tired lol.

College went okay. My tutors are being a little too nice but it wasn't a bad day at all. I actually really enjoyed English which has got to be a first! Emma made it interesting though and we found out we'll be doing Romeo and Juliet this year. I never did it in high school like everyone else (All girls school. Just a wee bit weird.) and I love Shakespeare so I didn't mind. :)

My maths teacher is kind of good looking lol. Ever since high school started, I've always had a good looking male tutor which I don't mind in the slightest. Depending on what/who the science tutor turns out to be, Maths could be my new favourite lesson. ;)

Me and another girl in my class (I actually get along with all the girls! It's never happened before. I normally get along with the guys but they are a wee bit... Eejit like.) are going to ask about adding extra classes to our timetable tomorrow. We want to do the same A levels you see (she's wanting to do veterinary medicine at uni and I want to do regular medicine) but need to do extra classes if possible just so we don't end up doing gcses for 2 whole years before another 2 years of a levels. If not, I don't mind an extra year with these tutors. I'd have them all the way through college if I could. :P

Right. Off the topic of college because it is reminding me that I should go to bed because of the 5am wake up.

Nasimiyu  posting her measurements on her blog completely reminded me I haven't done mine since I was 27lbs heavier. I tracked down my tape measure and am finally going to do them in the morning when I am getting ready and have weighed myself. The scale numbers need to move because they want to, they just... Can't.

This was meant to be short. :P I have double Maths and double English again tomorrow. I'm strange enough to actually be happy about that. Happy about college, the tutors and the people I like... It's actually pretty nice to have a few things going right when all the ED/SI things are going wrong. :)

PS - Reading Lissy's blog and the "Imagine your doctor naked with nipple tassels on" as made me think of my doctor... :| That is even worse than when Scottie was mentioning sleeping/dating him (me and her seem to have very random conversations). Lissy, you need to thank your friend for helping me think of my doctor, naked and in nipple tassels before going to bed. Nice.

Take care

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

The thirteenth

Now that college is tomorrow, I don't feel ready to go back. I know, I know. I've spent forever saying I want to go back and miss the structure and now I don't feel ready. I need to make up my mind I guess, but I'm just tired and need to find the energy to even want to do something.

It's double Maths and double English tomorrow. They hit me with one of my favourite lessons and one I really dislike. I hate English when it's been taught in a classroom. I just find it so hard to get interested in.

I think it is the fact I have to be up before 5am tomorrow that is severely putting me off and the fact that I have to be there at 9am. I live near an high school and 2 universities plus the city centre. Traffic takes the absolute mick in the morning! A few times I have actually managed to walk into the city centre before the bus got there which is telling of how slow it moves until 09:30am minimum.

I am pretty sure this was going to be more interesting.. :/ *thinks* I am 3lbs or so away from my LW of this year. It's still a normal weight and I hate the fact it's normal. I should be happy it isn't overweight/underweight I guess? This year as been crazy in terms of weight. It's been up, down, stable, down, up, stable, down... Endless cycle right?

I can't make it more interesting. I should do comments and then get stuff ready for tomorrow and then go to bed. At least I am off shopping after college. :)

Oh yeah! Word of advice to people; No food + purging liquids + too many laxatives + too much exercise = Not a good idea. Not at all.

Take care

Monday, 12 September 2011

The twelfth

The wind today was like a workout in itself! I am not a fan of ex hurricanes hitting my part of the UK when I have to go out for the day. I am not skinny in any shape or form, but it almost blew me up to Scotland! xD

College is cancelled until Wednesday. For some reason it has annoyed me and people would probably think I was very weird for being annoyed at that lol. I just want the structure back in my days already and to learn something. My brain has been out of action for too many months and I'm losing valuable information. ;) Plus it is just making me more nervous about going back and facing tutors.

I was checking out the grades I need to apply for medicine at the medical school here... I'm not looking forward to AS levels next year. I need AAA grades which is a little daunting to think about. It's just an added reminder that I can't fuck mess up college like I did high school.
University is expensive though isn't it?! I am so glad I wouldn't have to rent uni accommodation if I ever get into Leeds medical school because they are ridiculously priced. I feel so sorry for my friend who is moving into their accommodation soon.

Things still sort of suck but it's not too bad I guess. It's just one of those annoying things in life. I like the idea suggested about making a list of good and bad things about the ED. I'm not sure I have enough paper though haha. Ahh things will sort themselves out soon I hope. Or at least get back to my take on normal. Things cannot remain rubbish forever... Right?

Oh, and thank you for the good luck for the job interview. :) I genuinely hate interviews of any kind though. I should practice talking by using my Me to You teddy haha. :P That is what my friend did to get over her fear of interviews.

Take care

Saturday, 10 September 2011

The tenth

I want to eat.
I can't get myself to eat.

I want to be me. Who I used to be.
I don't know who 'me' is and I can't remember what I used to be like.

I want to stop purging.
I can't get myself to stop.

I don't want to be me.
I have no other option.

I want to be normal.
I don't know how to be normal.

I don't want to cry.
I can't bottle it up.

I don't want to keep self harming.
I can't stop the urge to do it.

I don't want to be this way.
I don't remember being any other way.

I want an hug.
I have pushed most people away.

I want to change.
I am too afraid to try to recover.

I want to go to medical school.
I see that dream go down the sink/toilet each time I throw up.
I see it fade each day I continue not eating.

I am just.. Tired of all this. Fed up. It's simply exhausting. It's exhausting being me.

Change of plans today. I'm with David at his place having a pj and TV night which is much better than being at home alone. It's been one of them days for so many reasons and if I hear another friend complain about their ridiculous problems to me, I am going to scream. Or shoot myself! Well I would if I had a gun. I wish people would realise how ridiculous their 'problems' are. It leaves me astounded that they think certain things are worthy of complaining about. People.

Um, I have a feeling I left something out of the blog yesterday.. Oh yes! I have a job interview on the 29th? I'm attempting to be positive about it. It's hard to stay positive when it seems impossible to get jobs these days, but I'm doing that positive thing.

Gosh it is too warm here. I would wear a vest instead of a long sleeved top but stupidity, self harm and a crappy day got the better of me. Ah well. I've started working in kilos instead of lbs for some reason. I think it's because that's what the doctors scales are in even though he converts it to lbs because he doesn't get kilos. Confusing right?

Take care.

Friday, 9 September 2011

The ninth

My weekend is going to involve that. Oh my gosh I am actually nervous about drinking lol. I haven't really drank alcohol since I turned into a writer on the night I wrote the letter to my doctor. I'm a little anxious which is so silly because it is going to be a good night. It always is when I'm with Alba and Rising.

So I probably won't blog much this weekend.

The day went okay. A lot of travelling and the stupid washing machine broke. Again! It's the 4th time this year so I think I am going to just ask for my money back and buy a different one because I am having no luck with this one.
Speaking of buying things, I need to go shopping in the morning for a dress and tights and a bag and shoes and a jacket... I decided I am going to wear a dress tomorrow night which I haven't done in ages because I look like a ball of fat in them. xD I tend to just stick to jeans when I go out but I am going to be brave and wear one.

I hope everybody has a lovely weekend. :) I'll comment back on all your blogs when I next blog. I feel weird not commenting, but I'm too busy. :/
Ooh, and my old tutor was in my dream last night! I'm not even going into the dream because it made even ME blush!! So, so weird to think about.

Take care

Thursday, 8 September 2011

The eighth

The doctors went pretty good. We/I agreed to the counselling and the eating disorder unit referral. It's still not recovery though. Just me being a good patient and attempting to work on other issues.

I had pretty low test results for most things (iron, potassium etc) and ended up having some supplement things. Another iron one which is one of the last things to try and get it up to a decent level because the tablets make me really ill and I end up throwing up. Plus they make my heart do funny things which isn't good when you already have issues with the thing lol. I have to wait for the letter from the other places though so we can build up a mental health team. That sort of scares.
I let him weigh me this time (I told him my weight last time since it was 4pm or something) and didn't just give the routine "I'm okay" reply. I was kind of happy with that.

I must be really huggable too because I got a half hug/pat on the back once I had talked about the self harm which didn't want to come out. I ended up telling him that I know what I am going to say until I am in front of him and then I get worried about it. He joked that it wasn't that, I was just distracted by his amazing good looks... That was met with me attempting to not die from laughing! xD <<< I do have a funny doctor! I showed him the recent cuts/burns/bruises though. Well not all of them. I'm not up for pulling my trousers down no matter how nice a guy he is. We ended up moving onto the subject of suicide ( "/ ) and if it ever seems like there is just no point to life. I've got to admit, it's a daily thought. It's always in the back of my head but I would never do it. It's tried and failed 2-3 times and it's just not worth it. It doesn't stop the thought/urge though does it? Anyway, the next time I want to hurt myself or feel like there is no point to life, I have to make an emergency appointment. That alone made me feel a little crazy.

Going back to the things not coming out, I tend to have everything in my mind what I am going to say whilst I am sat in the waiting room and then once I get in there, I think everything sounds too serious to say out loud and get put off talking about it. Then I end up saying it after God knows how many attempts. People are so patient with my super anxious ass. 
Emma hugged me yesterday too. Maybe it's because I look like I am a kid. Nothing to do with weight, I just really do not look like I am nearly 19. If I had gone to medical school this year people would have thought I'd skipped a few years to get there. :P

Oh, something to make you laugh. I pretty much said France was in the UK and was shocked when he said France is abroad (he asked if I had been abroad on holiday or traveled this year), I replied with "Really? France is not in the UK?!" so seriously and I sounded pretty shocked. That in itself qualifies me for the stupidest patient award. I had to laugh at myself because that completely made talking about the self harm easier. I can't say I have ever left the doctors with a smile apart from today. :)

Sorry for the blog all being on the same topic. It's all that is on my mind right now.

I did have a weird dream last night. My doctor and the other GP's who work with him were at my college doing some speech on healthy eating and being a student and everyone was listening to them (students, tutors, students families/friends etc). All of a sudden my doctor said my entire name and started talking about everything I've talked to him about and then everyone knew. I was so glad I woke up! It definitely made me not want to fall back asleep.

Take care

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

The seventh

College went pretty good. It's a small class and the tutor is lovely so I can't complain. She has the same name as me too lol. Well she has my name I originally had (I got it changed legally quite a few years ago, I just don't have any extra copies of the deed thing so I can change it to the name I changed it to. Make sense? I should get some spares so I can change it at some point..). Everyone is younger than me apart from Alistar (who is lovely and I think that is how you spell his name) and ironically, he wants to study medicine too so we'll most likely be in the same classes until university.

Telling her (Christine) and Emma went... It was so much harder than telling my doctor for some reason. I almost forgot until Emma called me back and then it hit me. I still couldn't say it out loud so I ended up writing it down. I explained that I hadn't really said it to anybody and when I do say it out loud, it sounds so serious. We ended up talking for 20 minutes or something and I found out the college offers similar services to what my doctors does. I think I might have given the slight impression that I was in/or open to recovery since I agreed to use them, and whilst I am open to that (not doing it but open to it), it's not something I want to do to be honest. I mainly want to use them so that the anxiety and things doesn't get as bad as it did in high school because that along with the ED really got in the way of it and I ended up doing so bad in school.

So enough of that. I meant to take a picture of my outfit for Isla, but it completely slipped my mind and I'm now in my pjs and kind of wet from the rain. I'll take one the next time I wear the outfit. :)

After college I met up with David and we've spent the last few hours avoiding the sudden downfalls of rain and buying stationary and things for college. I hate the fact that you have to have a billion and one pads/pens/folders. It was so much easier in HS when they provided us with most of that stuff lol. I realised everything I bought was either pink or blue when I put them in the drawer a few minutes ago. It was nice spending the afternoon with him though. We get along so well that we keep getting asked why we broke up. Or are we finally back together.. People just can't be friends anymore can they? :P

I'm so tired. I need to read and comment on blogs and then probably go to bed since I seem to be in the habit of waking up at ridiculous times in the morning. Plus I have the doctors at stupid o'clock too which I am greatly looking forward to.. See how much of a great liar I can be? I think I'll talk to him about the self harm tomorrow. I did tell Emma I would... I'm finding it so strange how I can all of a sudden trust my doctor and tutors when I have major trust issues. Strange right?

Take care

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

The sixth

I broke my plateau! I didn't believe my scales at first, but the annoying white things finally moved. At long last. :D

I am so tired today. It's funny how I am really tired on the day I got the most sleep I've had in a while (around 5 hours). Lunch went okay and we all just sat there and talked. Well they did. I can't say I was too interested in the conversations that were going on.

I left them at noon though to go and buy some trousers and things. I actually found a pair of trousers that fit perfectly on the waist and pretty much perfect on the legs. It completely shocked me and for once, they were in grey! It's normally only ever black trousers I can find to fit right so I hope it's warm tomorrow since I have the perfect outfit planned out and it doesn't involve a jacket. Gosh I am being brave not hiding in my jackets. :P

College in the morning. 09:30am. Tell my lovely tutor that I have never met before and then try not to freak out for the next 3 hours lol. It'll be interesting at the very least. Surprisingly, it is the early start that bothers em the most. I hate travelling in a morning.

Take care.

Monday, 5 September 2011

The fifth

Nottingham wasn't too bad. We didn't really eat because we couldn't find anywhere... Tempting enough to eat at. I was trying to find a polite way of wording that then. I am sure there is some lovely places to eat at, but we wasn't bothered enough to look.

We got back here around 4-5pm and I decided against going to Yates with them because I was so tired. I ended up just going home and falling asleep actually. Then I got woken up by sky because they wanted to fix the issue I was having with my router. Well, I have never been so frustrated and grumpy the phone in my life. :P I was much worse than the grumpy dwarf for a little while haha.

Every time I dream, my doctor or an old teacher or someone seems to be in it. Or someone with an ED from online, which is sort of strange. I can't say I am actively thinking about any of the people I dream about, so God knows how they get in there.

If I see the same number on my scales tomorrow (I could finally stand on them this morning!! :D), I might just scream. I hate, hate, HATE plateaus with a burning passion.

Take care

Sunday, 4 September 2011

The fourth

I can finally hear myself think. Or rather, not think haha. It's actually kind of amazing! I've spent the last hour listening to Hilary Duff and all the people from when I was a kid. I am pretty sure I was a kid at the perfect time. There was definitely the best stuff coming out of Disney back then. :)

I realised this afternoon that I haven't really been filling out my food/exercise diary lately. I probably should, and I do it on Loseit!... I just don't like writing it down for others to see. That's why I sort of avoid the 'what have you eaten?' threads on PT. I get that "too much or too little" feeling. I should make an effort to catch up on it and fill it in I guess.

I don't think I can get out of lunch on Tuesday. Thankfully, it is at a place where another friend of mine hates the food too since they changed management. It used to be a lovely place, but not so much these days.
So whilst I am glad I won't be eating anything from there (I'll make something at home or pick up a salad from somewhere), sitting around doing nothing whilst people are eating and enjoying themselves isn't fun. At least I am going shoe shopping and dying my hair that day. :)

I had a wtf sort of moment this morning. Don't you just hate it when they creep along? I was there, exercising, minding my own business, when all I could think was "What on earth am I doing?" Not regarding the exercise, just a "What the heck am I doing in general?" kinda thing. I hate it when they pop up from time to time. They make me question everything and ask myself why am I still like this and why am I doing this to myself and all that annoying stuff.

So I guess I have a busy week ahead.

  • Going to Nottingham with a few friends for a couple of hours
  • Lunch/shopping Tuesday 
  • College on Wednesday 
  • Doctors on Thursday
  • More shopping and broadband on Friday
  • Cinema and general day out on Saturday
  • I have to bake my cousins birthday cake and get stuff ready for college on Sunday
Sad thing is, I think I prefer Thursday and Sunday. Yes, I know I probably sound strange to prefer the doctors to spending time with my friends, but maybe it's once it is over, it's over for a little while? I don't know. My mindset isn't exactly fabulous is it? 

Take care

Saturday, 3 September 2011

The third

Coffee is what has got me through the last few days though surprisingly, after 3 days of no sleep, I am still pretty hyper. I could easily go for a run or something.

Talking of runs, it is pretty tempting to go for one. It is absolutely boiling in my house right now. I cannot stand it being too warm. I am more of a fan of being cold because at least with the cold you can turn the heating on or put a jacket on.

I'm taking my little cousin to the park in the morning because I didn't have enough time to spend at hers this evening. I'll finally get to burn off some energy because I haven't been able to do my usual workouts for the past few days because of my friend being here. I haven't been able to weigh myself either which is actually driving me a wee bit mad. I do love my friends, but they make it hard sometimes. :P

College needs to hurry up and start again. I'm too bored. It's been... Nearly 4 months!

Take care

Friday, 2 September 2011

The second

Don't you just hate it when somebody is eating something and you aren't? Two of my friends are eating (one is having fish and chips and the other is having burger and fries) and it's driving me mad because I am not. Clever me said I had eaten already simply because I am sick of this plateau.

I ended up getting no sleep last night or even the chance to catch an hour this afternoon. Insomnia will be the death of me to be honest. I am so glad my doctor is kind of open to sleeping tablets. :D Any doctor who is happy to give out tablets is worth his weight in gold. ;) I'm kidding... I don't think I'd ever take them, though it is highly tempting with college coming up.. I don't know. I'm so, like, anti medication for most stuff. Like when it comes to depression, I personally would rather talk to someone rather than take medication for it. In my opinion it is better to let everything out and work on the issues than it is to just hide the problem with medication. That's just for myself though.

I need to really buy some new jeans. Jeans shopping is always stressful but my belt isn't going to go any further than the third hole with these jeans lol. I should be sort of happy about needing new jeans, but I don't feel any smaller than I was when I bought these jeans. Nearly a 30lbs difference and I just don't see it. I think at times the BDD is worse than the ED when it comes to actually seeing how you really look.

I'm just rambling now.
I hope you have all had lovely days. :)

Take care

Thursday, 1 September 2011

The first

For some retarded reason just then, I was about to write it's October.

I want to be wherever that picture was taken and spend all day there just reading a book. I imagine it would be so peaceful.

I feel all positive today for some reason. I have no idea why because it's not like I feel fantastic (stomach ache from laxatives, stupid wisdom teeth and the annoying plateau), but I could do with feeling positive like this everyday. It is much better than that general depressed/sad/blah feeling.

I realised this morning when I stood on the scales (I have quite good thinking sessions on them things) that I am around 5.6lbs away from my lowest weight this year. It's still a perfectly healthy weight and everything, so it's not like it's terribly unhealthy or anything. Well, it's not an unhealthy weight at least. How I lose the weight and all that jizz isn't healthy, but hey ho.

I'm still a little annoyed that I can't really eat. I don't know why I am annoyed because I guess to many it would be a blessing in disguise or something, but I was actually going to make an effort to eat... Something. Unfortunately, it feels like I have little men doing construction of sorts in my mouth haha. I hate wisdom teeth. I should definitely not have waited before asking to have them taken out just because they didn't hurt. Now I have to have a general to have them out and I remember the last time I had a GA. I freaked out so bad because they didn't explain it to me or anything. In my defense, I was 7.

Take care