I feel like my summer holidays are ending badly. I mean, they never started great anyway and it's not been that fantastic throughout summer, but I feel they are ending much worse than when they started. Maybe I am over thinking about this because I am cold, frustrated, tired and a little bummed about all the back to college shopping this week, but they definitely are not ending the way I would have liked them to have.
Summer for me actually has been the time of the year my eating disorder and self harm have gotten worse. I don't know if it has anything to do with people knowing about it, but I SI more often and am losing weight much faster than before and the eating is much worse. Not bingeing or anything because I haven't even done that this summer, but the eating in general. It just doesn't seem to happen. Or if it does, purging/lots of exercise/laxatives etc all follow it. I'm not sure whether I preferred the few months where I didn't purge but occasionally binged or these 2 months binge free but purging most days. Actually, can you even choose between the two?
It's pretty ironic that things got much worse after I told thee doctor.
I do miss the days I would actually eat without purging it though. Especially when it is stupid little calories.
Anyhoo. Today has been very up and down. College tomorrow is stressing me out mainly because I cannot find my certificates from previous exams which I need to take with me tomorrow. It is really annoying me and I already have to be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow so I don't need the added challenge of looking for them damn things. Plus I have to have a photo or 3 taken tomorrow for numerous ID's which will be amazing fun! Then I get the joyous task of choosing which classes I do (okay, that's one of the better parts of my day) and creating my personal timetable with my personal tutor, sort out bursaries... It's going to drag. The letter states in the smallest possible writing it will take around 4 hours or more. 4 freaking hours!
I'm meant to be going shopping on Thursday for clothes and supplies but I agreed to babysit so I'd have to take my cousin too.
This week needs to hurry up and be over. Even if it does bring it to the week I go see the doc.
I's trying to decide whether or not I should tell the tutor about the eating disorder because I am obviously going to end up missing classes over the year going to the doctors and other places. I don't know if I am brave enough to do that face to face with a complete stranger though. At least I had met my doctor once for 10 minutes before telling him. ;) I guess they are going to end up knowing at some point because of absences... Dilemma!