Monday, 29 August 2011

Summer ends in about a week

I feel like my summer holidays are ending badly. I mean, they never started great anyway and it's not been that fantastic throughout summer, but I feel they are ending much worse than when they started. Maybe I am over thinking about this because I am cold, frustrated, tired and a little bummed about all the back to college shopping this week, but they definitely are not ending the way I would have liked them to have.

Summer for me actually has been the time of the year my eating disorder and self harm have gotten worse. I don't know if it has anything to do with people knowing about it, but I SI more often and am losing weight much faster than before and the eating is much worse. Not bingeing or anything because I haven't even done that this summer, but the eating in general. It just doesn't seem to happen. Or if it does, purging/lots of exercise/laxatives etc all follow it. I'm not sure whether I preferred the few months where I didn't purge but occasionally binged or these 2 months binge free but purging most days. Actually, can you even choose between the two?

It's pretty ironic that things got much worse after I told thee doctor.
I do miss the days I would actually eat without purging it though. Especially when it is stupid little calories.

Anyhoo. Today has been very up and down. College tomorrow is stressing me out mainly because I cannot find my certificates from previous exams which I need to take with me tomorrow. It is really annoying me and I already have to be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow so I don't need the added challenge of looking for them damn things. Plus I have to have a photo or 3 taken tomorrow for numerous ID's which will be amazing fun! Then I get the joyous task of choosing which classes I do (okay, that's one of the better parts of my day) and creating my personal timetable with my personal tutor, sort out bursaries... It's going to drag. The letter states in the smallest possible writing it will take around 4 hours or more. 4 freaking hours!

I'm meant to be going shopping on Thursday for clothes and supplies but I agreed to babysit so I'd have to take my cousin too.
This week needs to hurry up and be over. Even if it does bring it to the week I go see the doc.

I's trying to decide whether or not I should tell the tutor about the eating disorder because I am obviously going to end up missing classes over the year going to the doctors and other places. I don't know if I am brave enough to do that face to face with a complete stranger though. At least I had met my doctor once for 10 minutes before telling him. ;) I guess they are going to end up knowing at some point because of absences... Dilemma!

Take care


  1. Do you think you could tell your doc that since you've told him, things are getting a lot worse? It's worth letting him know ya know?
    Enrollment? I did that last week and was there 3.5 hours. It was actually more annoying since I had work straight after.

    Sounds tricky. Tell or don't tell... I'd probably go with mention something about it so they don't think you are just skipping classes, but maybe don't be so open straight away? Or just bite the bullet and tell them.

  2. i think i got worse after seeing a doctor before i got better. although i am worse now so who knows. its a constant battle.
    stay strong and i hope your day goes better than expected tomorrow!!!!

  3. Aww, try and focus on the positive about going back to college? (: it's really great and strong, i think, that you're going back as a lot of people in your situation wouldn't want to start college a few years later (: i hope today goes well (:

    Could, subconsciously, now that people know about your SI and things, you feel like you have to harm more and things to prove it to them? Sorry to hear that your eating disorder has got worse gradually, but that's great you've stopped binging (:

    i think you should tell your tutor about the ED - they can mention it in your reference for when you apply to uni (if you do) and if you mess up exams then the uni will be more laid back about it. plus, the teachers will cut you some slack if they know - they wont be as annoying if you miss lessons or deadlines. like, my teachers never tell me off if i'm late to lessons or haven't finished homework or haven't done well on homework because of my ED and things - and even though i'm rarely late and rarely dont do homework, its still nice to have some leniancy. xxxxxxxxx

  4. Can you be vague with the tutor? Like just say you have "health problems" and may need to take some absences because of them? Hope everything works out. And hope you can fight the purging. <3


  5. Yeah. It seems like doctors / treatment always have a way of making things worse.

    I would probably bite the bullet and tell the tutor, or just say "health issues" and let her put the together the pieces later.

    Good luck with your stressful day :(