My appointment went... It went on forever to be honest. At least it felt like it went on forever. I told him I wanted to walk out when I first got there and was waiting but my legs wouldn't allow me to. I really want to when I was walking past the front doors to his room. He said he was glad I stayed. So was I, I guess.
It confirmed my statement that I have a really lovely doctor though. I don't care how weird it seems to call my doctor lovely, he is. Okay I care a little that it is weird but I describe most people as lovely really. Like you guys!
The amount of times he had to fill in them awkward silences was actually amazing! I kept trying to talk at first and nothing would come out. It was like the Christmas play where you get stage fright at the last minute when it's your big part. It made me really frustrated though which made me cry. Actual tears fell down my checks due to pure frustration. It was kind of embarrassing.
Right now because of all the purging, I am (according to him) bulimic with anorexic tendencies. I was completely expecting Ednos. It's not a proper, proper diagnosis at the moment. Just what he put down until my appointment to go back next month and we get to go through everything and how the last month went etc. I get a lovely 4 week break from it all before going back to talk about our appointments, therapy/counselling there (who knew they also have psychs and stuff there? Blew my mind!) and OP/treatment offered at the OP/IP centre here in Leeds. I wasn't expecting the last one either. OP never even crossed my mind to be quite honest with you.
I've also not to lose another 18-20lbs before going back this time lol. If I lose anything over 10lbs he is going to fast track everything (help wise). I desperately wanted to laugh when he said "But you was 161lbs when you wrote the letter!" but I managed to keep it in. Just. I laugh at the most inappropriate things. I laughed when I told him my last job (health care assistant) and I laughed when I told him, or rather he told me, he remembered I was studying to go onto studying medicine. I just find it ironic I want to help people but not help me. Though I don't want to go to medical school with an eating disorder.
I've got to say, him saying I should not lose another 20lbs before going back, makes me want to lose another 20lbs. When people say I can't/shouldn't do something, it automatically makes me want to do it and prove I can. Ahh I'm a wee bit sick right? He asked why I think the eating disorder and self harm have gone on for so long and all I could think of is it is sort of easy to stay this way. To change everything that is wrong right now would be/is just... It seems so hard to try and change things that have been going on for just over 12 years. It's not the only reason obviously, but my mind goes blank when I get put on the spot. It either goes blank or I become too honest. Something I am guilty of with my doctor because I can't lie to him. Like when he asked when I last purged (this afternoon) and when I last ate (fuck! Um, the 23rd?) and when I last used laxatives (yesterday). All of this came out before it registering in my mind whether I was right telling him so much. I'm not usually so trusting to be honest. First person who has had the ability to make me drop that guard half way down.
He also asked me why I actually turned up because I apparently stated I did NOT want to recover and said I could have always ignored his letter or told him I didn't want to take things further over the phone and he couldn't have forced me to and I didn't know what to say. I think some part of me really wanted to go and have a conversation about it all with a non ED person to be honest. To, to get it all off of my chest and share the secret as it was. It was or rather is so strange hearing a regular person fully understand what you are saying though. So, so weird. I kind of liked it though. It was nice to have some understanding from someone other than real life ED friends and of course online peeps. so me going must mean I want some sort of help, even if it is just talking? That's his opinion and I kind of agree. I like the talking and having somebody who can keep check on things to a certain extent.
This is getting really long and I am really tired. I've spent most of the day dodging rain because I didn't want to get my hair wet. So girly, but I just had it cut.
Anyhoo, I am wrapping this up. I am so tired but I can't sleep (another thing we talked about). I had more I wanted to write but my brain is in thinking overdrive right now.
(sorry it's long)