Monday, 15 August 2011

3 [I'm just giving blog entries numbers since I suck at naming them!]

Today has been too full of triggers. Normally I don't get triggered by anything because things just go over my head and I don't mind, but for some reason today was different.
The proof was in the pudding (mmm pudding...) with the self harm and purging water of all things. Water. It's so stupid really but that need to be empty and to still purge is there and since I don't want to eat... You can fill in the blanks lol. I don't personally understand ahlf the things I do anymore, not that I did in the first place.

My behaviours actually take it out of me. I'm past over-tired and groggy feeling. I still have some studying to do though and whilst it isn't mandatory (well some is), I would still prefer to get it done and out of the way. Then I can go to bed and attempt to get a much better nights sleep than I got last night or the past God knows how many nights.

Going back to the triggers thing, pretty much every single one of my friends knows I want to be a doctor. Somehow we got onto the topics of mental health issues and eating disorders inparticular. Part of the conversation went like this...

Friend 1 said it's normally perfectionists etc etc who get them and nodded my way sarcastically. [I laughed]
Friend 2 said I wasn't stupid enough to do that to my body or myself.
Friend 1 said it wasn't as though it was a choice.
Friend 2 said somebody wanting to be a doctor wouldn't be dumb enough to put their education/career in jepordy because of some 'issue.'
Friend 1 told him to stop being ignorant.
Friend 2 told him to shut up.
Friend 3 agreed with friend 2.
I told them all to keep me out of their imaginary situations and use Jess as an example instead which lead to the 3-4 of them arguing about things not all of them understand. Kind of funny to watch to be honest. I have such bitchy friends at times and the sad thing is that most of them are guys. The girl friends I have are pretty tame in comparison with the guys.
That 'somebody wanting to be a doctor would be dumb enough" part got to me though. Can you say ouch? Things like that always reminds me why I don't think I would ever tell most of the people I know.

Righto. I'll comment on and read the rest of your lovely blogs tomorrow. Right now I have mathematics and history calling my name to finish them and my bed screaming at me to get in it. :P

Take care.


  1. hopefully tomorrow will be a much better day!! i know what you mean about the emptiness... it just feels so good and perfect :-)
    yeah i miss ballet. too.

  2. Oh love, don't be too hard on yourself.
    And don't let the things others say get to you- sometimes people, even our dearest friends, are entirely ignorant of what someone so close to them might be going through. Sometimes we don't want to believe it, and sometimes we just don't know.
    I love you dear.

  3. Haha oh, I thought the blog numbers were counting how many day you'd done something lol :P

    Gosh, friend 2 sounds pretty ignorant :/ that's definitely not true, that's jut an example of how people don't understand EDs very well.

    Hope you slept well after the maths and history (: xxxx

  4. it's funny we always assume doctors don't have any problems. like if they help to cure us, they must already be perfect.... Doctors are people too. I TOTALLY make that mistake but at least I know it's a wrong assumption.

  5. I hate when people say things like that. It's so hard not to get angry, but I suppose they can't help it if they haven't experienced the disorders up close and personal. :/

    I know what you mean about feeling over-tired. Hope you feel better. <3