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Wednesday, 31 August 2011

August is pretty much over

It's not ended that badly for me. I decided I would end it right and go to the gym to do a workout which has left me feeling pretty sore and tired.

I'm a little glad I don't go back to college until the 12th (I was pretty bummed about not going back on the 5th to be honest) because it gives me a chance to get my sleep pattern back to normal. It takes ages to get it back to normal but only a day or two to mess it up again.

I don't even have much to post. My day hasn't been the most interesting day really. Me and my friend ended up watching Supersize Me I think it is called. I feel sorry for the guy eating that much McDonald's for an entire month. It was interesting to watch it again though because I had a complete different opinion and perspective to it than I did when it first came out. 25lbs gained in one month based on a 5000 calorie daily diet. That in itself is pretty mad.

Oh yeah, Army guy. He does have a name, I've just forgotten it. "/ But college won't be that bad having classes with him haha. It might suck a little since my auntie is going to the same college though. She's only 16 and I'm nearly 19 so it is definitely weird explaining to people why this annoying 16 year old isn't my cousin or younger sibling, but my aunt. I can deal with it though since we are not on the same course or anything.

Take care
xxoxx

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

College and things

Maybe it was just the 1 hour sleep that left me a little brave, but I actually attempted to tell the tutor to change my health thingy on my records. I say attempted because we decided we will talk about it on Wednesday when I go back to finish enrolling and things because it will obviously be more private and not full of other students enrolling etc.

Question: How do you actually say you have an eating disorder out loud? I mean, coming right out and just saying it is probably what others do, but it makes it sound so serious. I know, I know. It is serious, but it really sounds severe and that when you say it out loud. Try it.

So, I have 11 classes I think if I read my timetable right. I barely had hold of the paper before it was given to another member of staff there. I hope all the classrooms are close because it's a big college to get lost in haha. I used to live 2 minutes from it and never realised it was as big as it is.
Once I had finished there it was around 4pm so it was too late to attempt to buy pads and things so I ended up just going straight home and falling asleep. That is what you get when you don't go to bed until past 7am because PT is just too interesting. I guess I'll have to go Thursday after going to the dentist.

My friend just nearly burnt my house down making waffles. Holy cow! That's just using the toaster! :/ I'm not sure I want him to cook again even if he is staying until Sunday evening. I might make him starve ;) or eat out.

Just to be random! There is this totally cute guy in my group who looks like he should be in the Army or something. For some reason, I could only think he should be in the Army instead of going to college the entire time we were in the same room.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 29 August 2011

Summer ends in about a week

I feel like my summer holidays are ending badly. I mean, they never started great anyway and it's not been that fantastic throughout summer, but I feel they are ending much worse than when they started. Maybe I am over thinking about this because I am cold, frustrated, tired and a little bummed about all the back to college shopping this week, but they definitely are not ending the way I would have liked them to have.

Summer for me actually has been the time of the year my eating disorder and self harm have gotten worse. I don't know if it has anything to do with people knowing about it, but I SI more often and am losing weight much faster than before and the eating is much worse. Not bingeing or anything because I haven't even done that this summer, but the eating in general. It just doesn't seem to happen. Or if it does, purging/lots of exercise/laxatives etc all follow it. I'm not sure whether I preferred the few months where I didn't purge but occasionally binged or these 2 months binge free but purging most days. Actually, can you even choose between the two?

It's pretty ironic that things got much worse after I told thee doctor.
I do miss the days I would actually eat without purging it though. Especially when it is stupid little calories.

Anyhoo. Today has been very up and down. College tomorrow is stressing me out mainly because I cannot find my certificates from previous exams which I need to take with me tomorrow. It is really annoying me and I already have to be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow so I don't need the added challenge of looking for them damn things. Plus I have to have a photo or 3 taken tomorrow for numerous ID's which will be amazing fun! Then I get the joyous task of choosing which classes I do (okay, that's one of the better parts of my day) and creating my personal timetable with my personal tutor, sort out bursaries... It's going to drag. The letter states in the smallest possible writing it will take around 4 hours or more. 4 freaking hours!

I'm meant to be going shopping on Thursday for clothes and supplies but I agreed to babysit so I'd have to take my cousin too.
This week needs to hurry up and be over. Even if it does bring it to the week I go see the doc.

I's trying to decide whether or not I should tell the tutor about the eating disorder because I am obviously going to end up missing classes over the year going to the doctors and other places. I don't know if I am brave enough to do that face to face with a complete stranger though. At least I had met my doctor once for 10 minutes before telling him. ;) I guess they are going to end up knowing at some point because of absences... Dilemma!

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Made up my mind... Of sorts

I should put this milkshake down and stop drinking it because it is making me feel ill. Plus I can't/shouldn't even drink dairy. Boo to liking vanilla milkshake and being lactose intolerant haha.

I'm not watching The X Factor tonight which I am not sure is bad or good. It actually wasn't that bad last week so I've decided to record it and carry on watching the Man v Food marathon. :D Nothing like a little bit of food porn on a Saturday evening haha. He does need to stop talking whilst eating though. It isn't the most attractive thing ever.

I think I have sort of agreed in my own head to do the therapy thing and other things my doctor suggested. It's not my attempt at recover in the slightest, just... I think I am just going to play it out and see what it is like to be open about everything and actually talk about it instead of bottling everything up. I don't even know whether it will work or I will still think I should do it when I go back on the 8th, but I can give it a try and all. I might even take a friends advice and ask about a dietitian? Or is it a nutritionist? I think it's a dietitian actually. Meh, they do similar things. But yes. I am going to be a good patient and actually try and attempt the things my doctor suggests because I am lovely like that.

Take care
xxxx

Friday, 26 August 2011

Being sick makes me feel sick

Yeah. Purging makes me feel sick and I don't do natural sick. I find it really weird to throw up because you feel/are ill... Oh the normality in that comment! But yeah. Being sick when you are not forcing yourself is completely weird to me.

I'm meant to be going to lunch with a few people on the 6th but depending on the times I am at college, I probably won't be able to go. Or I'll end up getting there after they've eaten which isn't a bad thing in itself. I'm not a fan of lunch anyway. Especially when it comes at 11am. That's 3 hours too early in my opinion. I probably won't be able to go anyway and it really doesn't bother me unless they decide to make it dinner. :|

HOLY SHIT A SPIDER!!!! I hate spiders. Especially whey they are freaking huge!

Well, I'm off to bed. I'll check blogs and comment in ze morning.

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Wake me up when September ends

Original title right there!

My friend I haven't spoken to in quite some time (the one who is pregnant to my ex ex boyfriend of sorts) invited me to her birthday party next month on the 30th. Unfortunately there will be no alcohol. For her at least. I am going to be stuck with her entire family and others for a meal, non alcoholic drinks, bowling and movie if I go. I really don't want to spend the entire day/night with Ashley (her boyfriend). At least little T-R will be there... But the food. I feel really bad for only thinking about what I'll have to eat/purge. I hate purging when out. I don't want them to notice my weight or eating habits either. Oh bleh! I'm majorly looking forward to getting all the details from her at some point...

This eating disorder makes me feel like a terrible friend at times.

We are starting college together actually although she is at the Technology campus instead of the main one I will be at. At least it isn't the same course. We did the same course about a year ago and it sucked. Maybe it was just the course (childcare really isn't my thing), but I actually ended up leaving because I hated it.

September isn't going to be my month. I just have a feeling. It's going to be full of

  • College 
  • Coursework 
  • Back to college/uni parties
  • Doctors appointments
  • Lectures from the above appointments.
  • Other appointments
  • A few birthday parties
I could go on. If there was any way to sleep until the 1st of October, I would be the first to try it. 

Though a new month means I have the chance to make it 3 months binge free. :D I actually noticed that I haven't binged in around 2 months. I mean, I haven't eaten much in the 2 months either ( good or bad? I'll say good for now..), but I'll take that over binging. I lost 0.8lbs this morning which sort of shocked me since I mainly slept all day yesterday. The no sleep thing is driving me crazy. Just laying there. Doing nothing, staring at the ceiling for hours.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 22 August 2011

Mirror or Scale

My body hurts so much from the major workout yesterday. Worth it to lose 1.6lbs, but ouch. No idea why I hurt more today than any other day because it wasn't exactly anything that different from what I normally do. None the less, a shower and then long bubble bath is in order for later on tonight.

My weekend wasn't that thrilling despite the break from blogging.
I actually watched the X Factor. :| Not by choice I may add (friends over), but it wasn't that bad. Sooo much better without Cheryl Cole and her "you are reet up me street pet." I don't know whether it is the fact I am in no way or shape a fan of hers or the fact I am not keen on the Newcastle accent in the slightest, but I like the fact she isn't there anymore. Gary Barlow is well boring though isn't he? Especially when he attempts to act like Simon Cowell. Even I can do a better Mr Nasty impression than he attempted.

Going back to the weight thing, I was looking at pictures from my HW of 161 a few weeks ago and looking at some I took yesterday (I take photographs but would never post them online. It's sort of like a record I guess) 20 odd pounds less and I find it weird how I can see such a difference in pictures yet when I look in the whore of a mirror, I look much bigger than I did back then. It makes me wonder who I hate more. The mirror or the scale. I think I would be much more tempting to smash the mirror than the scale but I don't need 7 years bad luck and all that cleaning up after... Major put off! ;] Which one do you guys prefer? I'm a scale person. I can trust them numbers a lot more than I can trust my own vision of myself.

Take care
xxxx

Friday, 19 August 2011

7 - I did have a title in mind but I've forgotten it

I want to get drunk and enjoy myself with my friends.
I could have gone out tonight but I bailed.
I've just realised how many times this past month I have bailed on them and I feel really bad about it. I've not long just got into the habit of going out with them often and I seem to have got stuck in that rut of not going out again.

I am such a boring 18 year old.

I was feeling kind of happy earlier and now I feel really blah. I can't even say anything happened to change my mood. It's not like today has been anything of interest or disappointment.
I've got to be over at my house before 9am (not home) just so a guy can install Sky. On a Saturday. Definitely not looking forward to that because it takes over an hour to get there from here. Annoyingly, I have to wait until the 9th for proper broadband to be installed. I officially hate changing phone/broadband companies.

I've just noticed I get broadband the day after the doctors. Random fact right there.
This isn't going to get any more interesting. I should go and update the food/exercise journal. One is still kind of, sort of, very empty apart from stuff I have drank.

Take care and enjoy your Friday night.
xxxx

Thursday, 18 August 2011

6

My college has got a gym. See, that makes me slightly happier than getting in. ;]

So many people today seem to have gotten results they didn't want. My friend got AABB I think? I wasn't paying too much attention but he was very happy with them. Some of my other friends are having to redo some which obviously isn't what they wanted. But a few of us are going out on the 29th to celebrate.

I feel like death. I barely got any sleep last night and when I was finally comfortable, it was time to wake up. Normally I don't mind not getting much sleep (well I do but I can manage), but not today. Until at least 11am I wanted to just curl up in a ball and fall asleep.

Is there ANY of my female friends that are NOT pregnant?! Half my high school class/classes (17-18) seem to be, my sorta best friend (18) is pregnant to my ex before D, my best friend (17) from years ago is pregnant, 3 (17ish) girls I went to college with, my cousin (19) is attempting to get pregnant again(!)... Fricking hell! I'll be the only one without a pushchair with a screaming brat in it at this rate lol. It is just breeding time of year for teenagers or something? I find it insane that people my age are having or already have a child. I wouldn't want one, if any, until I am married and through with studying and things. If I ever become a parent, I'll be one of those 30 something year olds that are first time mums haha. I just don't see the point in having children if you have no education and no job. And I definitely do not see the point in starting a family with a guy who isn't going to stick around and was only with you for a quick lay. I'm not saying that if you are married the guy will stick around because there is always divorce and things, but you know what I mean. Kids having kids isn't right.

Oops! Gone off onto a completely different subject.

I need to get some exercise done so have a lovely Thursday :)
Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

5 - Happy

I'm actually in quite a good mood today. It must be connected to the weather or something, but I actually feel really happy.

Not even popping into my doctors for a adhesive dressing (I'm allergic to plasters) and my doctor showing his disapproving concerns to me having lost 5lbs since I went on Thursday made me feel unhappy. Well maybe I wasn't as happy as I was when I left, but it was fine. Stopping off at Starbucks and grabbing an iced skinny latte made it a wee bit better. :)

I found out I enrol at college on the 30th. For some strange reason I have a feeling I am doing something else on that day but I have no idea what. Or the day after... Maybe it's bowling? I'm pretty sure I agreed to go bowling at some point before going back to college. Anyway, 30th of August I finally get my schedule and badge and loads of other stuff. I think I go back on the 5th of September accourding to the college website which kind of sucks. I have the doctors on the 8th and was hoping to go back to college later on in September.
I'm so confused about the bursaries and things the letters was talking about though. Googling it is making it even harder to attempt to get a grasp on. "/ I guess I'll wait until I go to get my stuff from college and ask them.

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

4

I was going to skip blogging tonight but I realised it was that the title would be 4 and 4 is my favourite number.

I have a terrible habit of tapping or touching my collarbones when I am bored or something and I must do it a lot since my friends notice and comment on it. Like, "Wtf are you doing?" I don't even notice I do it, so I wonder how many other habits I have that other people notice.

I was going to wear a short sleeved top today because it was a lovely day and then I realised I couldn't do that because whilst cuts don't bother me, I don't feel like sharing my secrets with everyone I know. That is exactly why I never used to cut my arms. I have no idea why I started doing so either because I don't want scars there in the future. I think the first time I cut my arms was because I was in a huge state and a major 'cutting spree' and ran out of space. From my wrists to my shoulders. Everywhere hurt like a bitch in the morning when I realised what I had done the night before.

It's apparently A level results day on Thursday and I am meant to go with my friend to get his results. Kind of rubbish because I would have been getting mine this year, but shit happens I guess. I hope he's done well though because he's worked pretty hard.

Right enough of my random chatter.
Take care
xxXxx

Monday, 15 August 2011

3 [I'm just giving blog entries numbers since I suck at naming them!]

Today has been too full of triggers. Normally I don't get triggered by anything because things just go over my head and I don't mind, but for some reason today was different.
The proof was in the pudding (mmm pudding...) with the self harm and purging water of all things. Water. It's so stupid really but that need to be empty and to still purge is there and since I don't want to eat... You can fill in the blanks lol. I don't personally understand ahlf the things I do anymore, not that I did in the first place.

My behaviours actually take it out of me. I'm past over-tired and groggy feeling. I still have some studying to do though and whilst it isn't mandatory (well some is), I would still prefer to get it done and out of the way. Then I can go to bed and attempt to get a much better nights sleep than I got last night or the past God knows how many nights.

Going back to the triggers thing, pretty much every single one of my friends knows I want to be a doctor. Somehow we got onto the topics of mental health issues and eating disorders inparticular. Part of the conversation went like this...

Friend 1 said it's normally perfectionists etc etc who get them and nodded my way sarcastically. [I laughed]
Friend 2 said I wasn't stupid enough to do that to my body or myself.
Friend 1 said it wasn't as though it was a choice.
Friend 2 said somebody wanting to be a doctor wouldn't be dumb enough to put their education/career in jepordy because of some 'issue.'
Friend 1 told him to stop being ignorant.
Friend 2 told him to shut up.
Friend 3 agreed with friend 2.
I told them all to keep me out of their imaginary situations and use Jess as an example instead which lead to the 3-4 of them arguing about things not all of them understand. Kind of funny to watch to be honest. I have such bitchy friends at times and the sad thing is that most of them are guys. The girl friends I have are pretty tame in comparison with the guys.
That 'somebody wanting to be a doctor would be dumb enough" part got to me though. Can you say ouch? Things like that always reminds me why I don't think I would ever tell most of the people I know.

Righto. I'll comment on and read the rest of your lovely blogs tomorrow. Right now I have mathematics and history calling my name to finish them and my bed screaming at me to get in it. :P

Take care.
xxxx

Sunday, 14 August 2011

2

I am tired. I could crash out right now but I have a few things to do and I know once I get in bed I will not be able to sleep. It's always like that. "/ I need to stop waking up at 4am.

*yawns*

Tea is quite nasty on an empty stomach. I had a cup around 4 hours ago and still feel a little bit yucky. Completely reminds me why I have been sticking to water. Then again, I haven't been drinking enough. I tend to have one 500ml bottle of water and then that is it for the day because I don't get thirsty so I have no idea when I need something to drink. My friend said I should set reminders on my phone to have a glass of whatever which I thought was a good idea.

I was productive today and applied online to do some volunteering around the city. One place I know really well and would find it awesome to volunteer there because it mainly focuses on homelessness, drug/alcohol addictions and many other things and that actually fascinates me a lot. Another one was at a family centre and The Samaritans and 2 other elsewhere. I need to fill in my time plus it looks good on my CV and will eventually my medical school application look a wee more interesting. :) See, I am capable of planning for the future haha!

Take care
xxx

Saturday, 13 August 2011

1

I seem to have definitely borken my plateau which is good. Good for me at the moment at least. Not sure the doctor will agree but oh well.

I've been up since 4:30am and just couldn't get back to sleep. I guess it was a good thing because it motivated me to go for the same walk/jog I did last week. I find it so relaxing to walk down there because it's so quiet and it gives you time to have a good conversation and time to think. I did find a shortcut though because I wasn't feeling going up the 9 sets of stairs to get out of the woods/trail lol. It's definitely a struggle when you haven't eaten. Last time I thought I was going to die haha. Then again, so did my friend.

My friends are having a small get together tonight but I sort of blew them off. I feel bad about it, but I don't want to break a fast with junk food. Alcohol I wouldn't mind, but not junk food. Then again I think I am having another sleepover/drunk fest with my 2 favourite PTers at some point next week so I might as well save the drinking and stupid antics until then haha. :D

You know them moments when you aren't hungry because you haven't eaten in so long that food doesn't interest you but people still (obviously) expect you to eat? I had that this monring. My friend was bugging me so much that I felt like pushing him in the Leeds and Liverpool canal. I ended up buying something from Morrisons just to shut him up but of course it is just in my cupboard like the rest of my food.

I think I am going to spend the rest of my Saturday dress shopping online. I need to get out of the habit of wearing jeans and hoodies all the time... Maybe.

Take care
xxxx

Friday, 12 August 2011

*smiles*

I'm actually getting into the habit of blogging daily and commenting back!

I think I am going to spend all day watching movies with bits of exercise thrown in. I have to write down all the exercise I do and the food I eat and what I drink and when I purge/use laxatives etc. That scares me a little because if this month is anything like the last 3 weeks, it's kind of, sort of going to be a little empty food wise lol. It's not funny I guess.. I don't really want an empty food journal and jam packed exercise one, but I don't want an empty exercise one and jam packed food one. It's a little like choosing the lesser of the two evils. I also apparently have to start eating breakfast and lunch... *small laugh*

I'm going to make a cup of tea and think over when I should end this fast (longest one I've actually ever done by 3 days) because I guess I will have to end it at some point.. At some point.
I wish college would hurry up and send me my timetable/enroll day. It's almost 2 weeks into August and I am guessing I only have another month or so left before going back. Which means I'll have to go shopping soon for some new clothes. I think I'll only buy jeans and hoodies mainly because it is annoying to have to replace clothes whenever you lose/gain weight. Plus it's nearly winter. As much as it would be nice to wear skirts and stuff, I'd prefer to not freeze my arse off. :P

Take care.
xxxx

Thursday, 11 August 2011

OP, doctors, diagnosis, counselling... Long day = long post

My appointment went... It went on forever to be honest. At least it felt like it went on forever. I told him I wanted to walk out when I first got there and was waiting but my legs wouldn't allow me to. I really want to when I was walking past the front doors to his room. He said he was glad I stayed. So was I, I guess.
It confirmed my statement that I have a really lovely doctor though. I don't care how weird it seems to call my doctor lovely, he is. Okay I care a little that it is weird but I describe most people as lovely really. Like you guys!
The amount of times he had to fill in them awkward silences was actually amazing! I kept trying to talk at first and nothing would come out. It was like the Christmas play where you get stage fright at the last minute when it's your big part. It made me really frustrated though which made me cry. Actual tears fell down my checks due to pure frustration. It was kind of embarrassing.

Right now because of all the purging, I am (according to him) bulimic with anorexic tendencies. I was completely expecting Ednos. It's not a proper, proper diagnosis at the moment. Just what he put down until my appointment to go back next month and we get to go through everything and how the last month went etc. I get a lovely 4 week break from it all before going back to talk about our appointments, therapy/counselling there (who knew they also have psychs and stuff there? Blew my mind!) and OP/treatment offered at the OP/IP centre here in Leeds. I wasn't expecting the last one either. OP never even crossed my mind to be quite honest with you.

I've also not to lose another 18-20lbs before going back this time lol. If I lose anything over 10lbs he is going to fast track everything (help wise). I desperately wanted to laugh when he said "But you was 161lbs when you wrote the letter!" but I managed to keep it in. Just. I laugh at the most inappropriate things. I laughed when I told him my last job (health care assistant) and I laughed when I told him, or rather he told me, he remembered I was studying to go onto studying medicine. I just find it ironic I want to help people but not help me. Though I don't want to go to medical school with an eating disorder.

I've got to say, him saying I should not lose another 20lbs before going back, makes me want to lose another 20lbs. When people say I can't/shouldn't do something, it automatically makes me want to do it and prove I can. Ahh I'm a wee bit sick right? He asked why I think the eating disorder and self harm have gone on for so long and all I could think of is it is sort of easy to stay this way. To change everything that is wrong right now would be/is just... It seems so hard to try and change things that have been going on for just over 12 years. It's not the only reason obviously, but my mind goes blank when I get put on the spot. It either goes blank or I become too honest. Something I am guilty of with my doctor because I can't lie to him. Like when he asked when I last purged (this afternoon) and when I last ate (fuck! Um, the 23rd?) and when I last used laxatives (yesterday). All of this came out before it registering in my mind whether I was right telling him so much. I'm not usually so trusting to be honest. First person who has had the ability to make me drop that guard half way down.

He also asked me why I actually turned up because I apparently stated I did NOT want to recover and said I could have always ignored his letter or told him I didn't want to take things further over the phone and he couldn't have forced me to and I didn't know what to say. I think some part of me really wanted to go and have a conversation about it all with a non ED person to be honest. To, to get it all off of my chest and share the secret as it was. It was or rather is so strange hearing a regular person fully understand what you are saying though. So, so weird. I kind of liked it though. It was nice to have some understanding from someone other than real life ED friends and of course online peeps. so me going must mean I want some sort of help, even if it is just talking? That's his opinion and I kind of agree. I like the talking and having somebody who can keep check on things to a certain extent.

This is getting really long and I am really tired. I've spent most of the day dodging rain because I didn't want to get my hair wet. So girly, but I just had it cut.

Last picture is oh so flattering lol. My friend has an amazing picture-taking ability. xD I wish my fringe was a wee bit longer though.

Anyhoo, I am wrapping this up. I am so tired but I can't sleep (another thing we talked about). I had more I wanted to write but my brain is in thinking overdrive right now.

Take care
(sorry it's long)
xxxx

Holy shit!

It's Thursday. It's Thursday already.
I feel like I am dying or something. Oh my gosh. I don't want to go. This is even scarier than meeting the 3 PT'ers and having 2 of them sleep over haha.

I feel sick. When I am really nervous, I throw up. Don't ask me why. I'm just a weird human being lol.
I'm getting my hair cut at 13:30 so hopefully that calms me down a little. I only want a wee bit taken off and a few layers because I am kind of in love with my hair right now.

I might play on the playstation to try and take my mind off of today. I wish it was just in the morning/early afternoon so I could hurry up and get this over with. It's like a bad kiss or bad sex. You can't wait for it to hurry up and be done with. Although now I have mention bad kisses/sex when I already have my doctor in mind... :| That is not an image I want in my head, but of course it is now stuck there and yuck! I think yuck... Yeah I'll stick with yuck... For now. ;)

Thank you for all the comments on my pictures actually! Huge ego boost whilst I was shopping yesterday. :)

Sorry this is kind of all jumbled up. I'd write more but it wouldn't make sense.

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Ignore the lack of make up






Duck face just for laughs :P
[lighting is quite rubbish at my aunts by the way]
So yeah. I think I make a good fake ginger redhead to be quite honest. :D

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Britney Spears marathon

Hey 201 people. *waves like a geek* I'll follow you back later tonight or at some point. If I don't follow you, just comment and tell my lazy butt to follow you. ;)

I'm currently uploading a ton of music to the Blackberry and iPod. It's totally not sad that a some of it is old Britney/Christina songs... Not in the slightest..

I'm meant to be getting ready to go for a walk with my friend and his dogs but he doesn't get out of work until 10pm so I have plently of time to striaghten the hair. I finally got around to dying it this morning and it still smells of hairdye. I hate my hair smelling like it but what can you do about it? It went darker than last time but I think that has something to do with the fact I had to prelighten my hair last time to get the bright red out of it. I'll have to take pictures at some point. Probably tomorrow when I get my new glasses. :)

I was having a Facebook covo with a friend this morning whilst dying my hair (I'd seen them in the centre when I went for coffee this morning with A). It went like this..

Them: Hey you're looking great! I've not seen you in time.
Me: Um thanks. I know. Too long right?
My head: Shut up.
Them: Have you lost weight? We need to get together at some point.
My head: Get together? Sigh.
Me: Maybe a couple of pounds. I don't check the scales often.
My head: 17lbs actually, but still shut up.
Them: Well I want your diet.
Me: Haha..
My head: Just don't eat. Simples.
Them: You should come with me and Demi on Friday. Small get together and we'll go shopping.
My head: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Piss off! I have dye on my legs now. :| Lucky it wasn't the shorts. I'd have rammed this damn bottle down your throat!!
Me: Sounds good. If not this week, we'll do it next?
My head: Do I really have to??
Them: Def!

And then it went on to some random crap before I said I had to go and grab a shower. I hate it when you talk to people and weight is the first thing they mention. Like, you wouldn't say the same thing if I had gained weight. Why is it rude to point out a person has gained but it's not to point out a person has lost weight? Double standards really.

Take care
xxx

Monday, 8 August 2011

A morning post!

You lot should feel lucky! I don't think I have blogged at 09:44am in months! I am actually only doing so because I keep falling asleep at such weird times.. Going to have to work on that one.

So my weekend wasn't too bad. I still have my friend here from yesterday which is nice, but I do wish he would go to the shop or home or something so I can weigh myself. I would really like a cup of tea or glass of water before noon! It always annoys me when my weigh in time gets delayed because I am a control freak and like sticking to my own schedule. When it gets messed up I tend to be a miserable so and so. :P

I've exercised this morning too. At 05:30am. The side effects of not sleeping and having too much energy means I exercise. 1 hour and 20 minutes on the bike which really isn't bad for me first thing in a morning. Normally I just want to curl up and sleep until 11am at least. Plus 80 minutes on that thing is enough to make my butt hurt. xD I prefer cycling on a real bike but I don't have one anymore and I sort of don't trust motorists here to not knock me off a bike! I've always cycled on the path because of that small reason.

Thursday is getting so close... Thank God I am not under 16 and he can't tell anyone else. I can't imagine how that must feel. Having everyone you know like, know everything without you wanting them to. That has got to make things worse for the person suffering in my opinion.

Anyway. I should make myself useless and make a start on dying my hair... Or going back to bed. ;) Or studying. ah the options are endless.

Take care
xxx

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Sudden burst of energy

I had a huge burst of energy this morning and decided I would agree to go for a walk/run with one of my friends. 8am we set off and we didn't get back until 1pm! I was so tired when we got back especially since I hadn't slept when we went. We ended up walking an extra to miles to find a McDonalds because it turns out Leeds isn't keen on providing public toilets. It brought back memories of that Wednesday night with Alba and Rising...
On the way back we saw this river boat (I think that is what they are. They tend to only use canals I think.) and it overtook us once we had crossed the bridge and it turns out we are kind of competitive, so we ended up running the 30 minutes back to the steps you have to go up to get away from the canal and woods area. It's not good when you realise there is around 9 flights of stairs to get up. I thought I was going to have an heart attack! xD Purging and then doing so much exercise isn't good for you.

I was having a really long text conversation with an ED friend earlier and we were talking about our eating disorder behaviours. I realised I actually have more of the typical bulimic behaviours than I thought. Laxative abuse, over exercising, purging... I very rarely binge though and when I do it's always between 1000 and 2000 calories. In most cases anyway. I've had worse binges like a lot of people, but most binges are rarely over the RDA though it feels like I have if that makes sense? I have more of an anorexic mindset when it comes to eating and thinking though. Ah forget making sense. The doctor can do that one on Thursday because my brain fails to comprend half the things I do.

I hope I have broken this stupid plateau in the morning. It is really frustrating me now. So fingers crossed it goes away much faster than it has stayed.

Take care
xxx

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Busy doing... something

For some reason this week has been really busy. I'm not complaining though because it makes a change from sitting home doing nothing but surfing the net. :P Annoying thing is that I can't remember half of the things I have even done!

When you are fasting, you really notice how much social life revolves around food. Today alone it has been Subway, Greggs, Starbucks and random shops. I don't mind when these random places sell water, but it's just irritating to refuse to buy something over and over. I did accept my friends diet coke from Subway and I realised how horrible it actually tastes! To think I used to drink tons of the stuff. Then again, I sort of have a serious dislike for all fizzy drinks these days.

6 days. 6. Days.
[It's now Friday since I Black Ops is too interesting.]
Saturday. Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday.
Thursday.
Sigh.
That stupid part of me wants/is going to fast until then. Lose 5lbs. Weigh much less.
Cue sigh again.
4pm. Weigh in. Honesty. Talking. Listening. 4pm.
Weigh in.
Truth.
Cue MAJOR sigh.
The last week or so has gone way too fast for my liking. It means next week is too close.
Too many thoughts on the subject.
Bleh.

Take care
xx

Monday, 1 August 2011

I wanna look hot for school

^^ Them sort of posts on PT just annoy me.

I am so tired today and uncomfortably warm.
What the heck is going on in England? It's meant to be cold. I quite like it cold. I do not like the weather when it is all stuffy and just annoying. I want it to pour it down or something...
I got woken up 3 hours after going to bed this morning by my ever so lovely friend wanting to catch up over coffee. Don't get me wrong, it was lovely, but a couple more hours sleep wouldn't have hurt.

I've actually been using my exercise bike these past few days! *cue shock horror!*
Actually I've been working out in general. Why do I only get motivated to do that when I don't eat?! Sigh.

I think I am going to do a quick work out, get a shower and then go to bed. I'll comment on blogs tomorrow morning.

Take care
xxx