Friday, 22 July 2011

Terrified, anxious, and loads of things

I'm going to apologise in advance because most of this is me moaning and questioning myself. Nothing new.

I phoned my doctors surgery this morning to see if my doctor had gotten my letter. He has and he sent one back to me. I want to know what it says but I don't want to open it or read it which I know makes no sense at all. I don't want to go and see him either. Especially not alone so if any of you fancy holding my hand... Haha. I am being serious though.

I'd take a friend but that means telling them and I can't do that. I mean it took me being severely intoxicated and just tired of this to admit it in a letter. To tell a friend would be hard. Maybe not harder because I felt it was harder to tell someone I have met once than it would be to tell other people I know. That makes no sense either I guess.

I confessed things in that letter (essay really lol. I can write a lot when I want to) that I haven't ever confessed on here or PT. I kind of pulled things from places I have not thought about in years. It's funny how not trying to think about it makes you remember it all. Why didn't I just write "Oh hai. I have an eating disorder and self harm. Kthanxbye!" or something along them lines? He didn't need to know absolutely everything...

*face palm*

At least I trust him? No, I do. It's just that walk from the waiting room to his room and talking and not knowing everything I wrote down that is putting me off booking an appointment or whatever once I have read his letter. I just don't want to walk out or be a little bitch about it all and end up not saying a thing because that would be even more awkward than actually talking to him.
I feel I have to lose at least 10lbs and fast and work out loads before going there because I told him my highest weight ever which was a few weeks ago (161lbs) and some sick part of me wants to be significantly lower. No clue why. I hope that doesn't sound all pro ana or whatever.

I'm over thinking this and writing about it too much aren't I? I'm so sorry if you are actually reading this. I'm not normal so anxious and stuff when writing on here. This just makes me that way which I guess is understandable. I don't normally go over the same stuff for ages either or write essay worthy pieces on it.


Anyway. Wednesday was pretty good with Rising and Alba (from PT). I was so not feeling the walk we did to find a park. I have never needed a pee so much in my life haha. xD Alba drunk = Hilarious!! I still can't get the airbed down though. But hey, I'm not home this weekend so who cares? I much preferred the ones I had where you inflated them by plugging the pump connected to them into the wall lol.
It was also the first time ever that I have weighed myself in front of other people. I was so shocked I did that. It was a lot less stressful than doing it at the doctors though. I've just thought! Them two should come back to Leeds for another alcohol filled night the day before I end up getting an appointment! That way I can be thoroughly drunk from the night before and maybe not as shy... It could work..

It was a very eventful night which needs to be repeated like, ASAP! I went out again last night with my friends though I did only intend on going for a glass of coke or something. I ended up accepting an invite out on Sunday. I do and agree to some right stuff when drunk you know. Some of it makes me laugh.

Complete sidenote: Never trust an American that lives in an house that resembles the one off of Amytiville (sp?) Horror or The last house on the left. The latter movie is pretty... Wow. Really good, but wow! The people that tend to live in them houses are either fucking weird or murderers.

Have a good weekend and sorry for my (really) long ramble. :-) I am going to click post so I can't write anything else lol.

Take care


  1. Hi, I ended up telling my potential new trianer. Totally different that a doctor (which I don't have in my new city...) but I get what you're going through. I also felt like I needed to not eat for a while before stating that I restrict as I mean who would take me seriously looking the way I did? I was suprised at how seriously he did take it.... But it was all good (so far)

  2. The Amityville house (the real one, where the whole real haunting apparently took place) isn't that far from where I live...

    I hope everything works out with that letter. I wouldn't stress about it too much. When you're drunk, you tend to be at your most honest (or at least I know I am...), so that means that everything you put in that letter needed to be said. You can't keep everything locked in all the time--sometimes you really need to get it out.

    I would gladly take cold and raining over the heat. I HATE summer!!!


  3. Telling people is always hard. It is always a good step to take though. Try not to stress about it too much okay>

    Don't feel like you have to lose a lot of weight before you go and see him. It's the eating disorder that is thinking that. Not you!