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Sunday, 31 July 2011

July is nearly over

At least it will be in 6ish hours.

I guess the good thing about it nearly been August is that Gay Pride is next month on the 27th. It always looks awesome but I have never gone. I'll have to kidnap a few friends and have a couple of drinks with them. It's my aunts birthday that day too.

I have the worst tummy ache today. And being sick and the sorts... This is what I get when I forget to ask for a SOY latte. It's kind of funny how dairy makes me feel so much worse than laxatives. I didn't even notice it tasted different since I was too busy talking and walking around Leeds city centre.  I still forgot to buy another pair of pumps. *facepalm*

I just realised I hit my highest weight ever earlier this month. I'm down 14.4lbs from that though. I don't really so 'proper' stats these days. You always get someone asking how you dropped the weight. Not so much on here, but on PT mainly. I find it so annoying because I end up wanting to reply "Oh I ate nothing/next to nothing, worked out like an idiot... Blah blah blah." It's called an eating disorder for a reason. I used to do stats. Maybe one day I will do them again. Or I'll do bmi. :)

Does anyone else get sort of triggered knowing their doctor will weigh them? It always gets to me. I think it is probably my one true trigger because somebody else will know my weight aswell as me. It makes me not want to eat before going which is actually what I end up doing. What I am doing. It's just what I do. I know, it is ever so slightly weird.

Take care.
xxxx

Memories = Smiles... Most of the time

I spent most of the day at my friends just talking about high school and the sorts.
It's always funny looking back a few years and remembering how things used to be.
Some things I miss and some things I don't.
I definitely don't miss high school haha. Not in the slightest!

Then I came back home for a few hours and then headed on a night walk with A.
Walking at night makes me really tired which is a good thing.
Hopefully I'll get to sleep before 9am...
Hopefully.

I want to get my hair cut. I think.
Not sure how though because I quite like the length it is now.
I think I just want some layers in it.
I don't know. I hate getting my hair cut and talking to the hairdresser. I like her, but it's just idle chit chat.

I need to get another pair of glasses too.
I should get them before getting my hair cut and get a pair that look right with ginger hair lol.
The Bench pair I have right now look alright with dark hair but not light hair.
I could always buy two pairs since designer glasses seem to be on a 2 for 1 deal offer..

I'm kind of rambling. Sorry. :P
I tend to do that when bored but since Man V Food started I am okayy. :D
I should go to bed since it is nearly 1am and I have to be up at 6am.
Such joy. Sundays are meant to be lazy days aren't they?

So good night. :)
I need sleep and energy for tomorrow.
Oh, did I mention I agreed to go for daily walks with my friend?
No? Oh well. At least I did now.

12 days now. "/
Scary.
Take care and enjoy your weekend.
xxXxx

Saturday, 30 July 2011

TGIF

I'm kind of glad it is the weekend. Not that I do anything of significance during the week lol, but weekends are always much more relaxing in my opinion.

It's nearly August which means I only have a month and bit before going back to college. Sigh. I sort of don't want to, but in another way I do. It will be nice to fill my days up with something of significance I guess. Which reminds me, I was/am meant to spend the summer break revising and studying. I can't even get away from college work even when it is summer break! I guess it will not kill me to study for a few hours every now and again...

I booked my appointment at the doctors anyway. The 11th of August. At least it isn't so close because if it was I would have been tempted to back out lol. It's still tempting but not as tempting.

Is anyone else obsessed with that Man V Food and Ace of Cakes? I think both shows are amazing! If I wasn't a vegetarian and eating disordered and not a fussy eater, I could definitely do most of them challenges on Man V Food! Them shows along with Bear Grylls: Born Surviver keep me entertained for too long!

Anyway. I should get some sleep since I am spending the morning with A. :)

Take care.
xxx

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Not a bad day

This picture still makes me laugh lol.

Today hasn't been a bad day. Maybe it has something to do with sleeping away most of it. :P Something about fasting makes me so tired. Either that or the gym. Both are tiring.

My bmi is finally back under the healthy range by quite a bit which is good. It probably has something to do with not been in that binge sort of stage. 'Tis nice to be out of the 160's and 150's though, but then again I say that everytime I come out of the 150's or 140's or 130's or 120's or 110's etc etc. I always feel quite bad though because if I am not bingeing/purging which I don't do too often, I am restricting and purging or just not eating which is what I have done since Friday night and I don't hate it, but I don't like it. Whenever I fast it is always for such a stupid amount of time and it's such a tiring cycle to be stuck in. It's even harder to change it though. Everytime I attempt to be normal I feel like a fake. Like I just can't be normal. I think that is what puts me off the idea of recovery. Not that it is something I want to do right now but... It's just harder to try and change 12 years of thinking than it is to remain the same. I guess that is a lame excuse, but that is what I think.

I found something good out of going to the doctors in two weeks. I can know my proper height. :D I always get told different things by different people. I'm at least 5'5-5'6 I know that for sure. Doing my bmi I tend to use 5'5.5 so I am in the middle of what I always get told.

I am absolutely roasting. I feel like I am being cooked or something. It makes a change from being freezing but I think I much prefer being cold over being warm. It's irritating after a little while to be so warm. I was the same yesterday. I went to this huge park with one of my friends to just walk around and randomly talk about things which helped me put off opening my letter. Yes my famous letter arrived. Anyway, yesterday was a really relaxing day of sorts being surrounded by water and nature. I mean it took my mind off of some things which I appreciated. We're going to have to do it again at some point because I've just realised how much I put off spending time with my friends. I don't even notice how often I blow these guys off until I really think about it.

That's it. I'm off to get a shower and settle down to watch Law and Order: SVU.

Na'night
Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 23 July 2011

What a news day

R.I.P to the people in Norway and Amy Winehouse.

What a news day today huh? Sometimes you have to turn the TV off and ignore the fact things like that are happening. It's sad and puts certain things into prospective.

Today has been nothing too exciting really. I spent most of the afternoon/evening online just talking to random people. I could have gone out but that would require motivation and long sleeved tops lol. (The downsides of relapsing with cutting is you need long sleeved tops and jackets for a few weeks unles syou don't give a stuff what people think. I don't fall in that category though.) I had neither since my motivation is currently on vacation and my long sleeved t shirts are waiting to be washed. I should get on that little detail before tomorrow night. I hate waiting for my aunts washing machine though. It takes 3 hours and that doesn't include drying clothes. :| Oh, and ironing the things. *sigh* I'm sort of house sitting and looking after my kittehs by the way. :)

I was listening to Christina Aguilera - Walk Away earlier today and that first bit where she is talking just reminded me so much of my eating disorder and self harm.

"What do you do when you know something's bad for you and you still can't let go? "
That part just stood out the most and I find it so true. It's like, you know how bad it is, but working on making it better is so much harder than letting it continue.

Anyhoo. I should go and do something productive with my night. What, I do not know, but I'll figure something out. :)

Have a good night.
xx

Friday, 22 July 2011

Terrified, anxious, and loads of things

I'm going to apologise in advance because most of this is me moaning and questioning myself. Nothing new.


I phoned my doctors surgery this morning to see if my doctor had gotten my letter. He has and he sent one back to me. I want to know what it says but I don't want to open it or read it which I know makes no sense at all. I don't want to go and see him either. Especially not alone so if any of you fancy holding my hand... Haha. I am being serious though.

I'd take a friend but that means telling them and I can't do that. I mean it took me being severely intoxicated and just tired of this to admit it in a letter. To tell a friend would be hard. Maybe not harder because I felt it was harder to tell someone I have met once than it would be to tell other people I know. That makes no sense either I guess.

I confessed things in that letter (essay really lol. I can write a lot when I want to) that I haven't ever confessed on here or PT. I kind of pulled things from places I have not thought about in years. It's funny how not trying to think about it makes you remember it all. Why didn't I just write "Oh hai. I have an eating disorder and self harm. Kthanxbye!" or something along them lines? He didn't need to know absolutely everything...

*face palm*

At least I trust him? No, I do. It's just that walk from the waiting room to his room and talking and not knowing everything I wrote down that is putting me off booking an appointment or whatever once I have read his letter. I just don't want to walk out or be a little bitch about it all and end up not saying a thing because that would be even more awkward than actually talking to him.
I feel I have to lose at least 10lbs and fast and work out loads before going there because I told him my highest weight ever which was a few weeks ago (161lbs) and some sick part of me wants to be significantly lower. No clue why. I hope that doesn't sound all pro ana or whatever.

I'm over thinking this and writing about it too much aren't I? I'm so sorry if you are actually reading this. I'm not normal so anxious and stuff when writing on here. This just makes me that way which I guess is understandable. I don't normally go over the same stuff for ages either or write essay worthy pieces on it.

----------

Anyway. Wednesday was pretty good with Rising and Alba (from PT). I was so not feeling the walk we did to find a park. I have never needed a pee so much in my life haha. xD Alba drunk = Hilarious!! I still can't get the airbed down though. But hey, I'm not home this weekend so who cares? I much preferred the ones I had where you inflated them by plugging the pump connected to them into the wall lol.
It was also the first time ever that I have weighed myself in front of other people. I was so shocked I did that. It was a lot less stressful than doing it at the doctors though. I've just thought! Them two should come back to Leeds for another alcohol filled night the day before I end up getting an appointment! That way I can be thoroughly drunk from the night before and maybe not as shy... It could work..

It was a very eventful night which needs to be repeated like, ASAP! I went out again last night with my friends though I did only intend on going for a glass of coke or something. I ended up accepting an invite out on Sunday. I do and agree to some right stuff when drunk you know. Some of it makes me laugh.


Complete sidenote: Never trust an American that lives in an house that resembles the one off of Amytiville (sp?) Horror or The last house on the left. The latter movie is pretty... Wow. Really good, but wow! The people that tend to live in them houses are either fucking weird or murderers.

Have a good weekend and sorry for my (really) long ramble. :-) I am going to click post so I can't write anything else lol.

Take care
xxxxxx

Monday, 18 July 2011

Alcohol, letters, doctors and ugh

My entire body hurts and I am pretty sure I am still drunk. Good day/night though.

Apart from the letter issue. I sort of put everything in a letter and posted it through the letterbox to my doctors. That my doctor will read. Tomorrow morning. And know. Everything.. I hope I spelt everything properly and clearly...

Not smart. At all. That has got to be the only truly stupid thing I have done when drunk. Well to a point...
If I come up with such a genius idea again on Wednesday, I give Char and Becca permission to hurt me!

Moving on...

I played football today. Not sure how because of the drunkness, but I played. It poured it down and I was filthy. It was a good game though and naturally my team won. :P I did hurt my hand/wrist though when my lovely friend tackled me to the ground. Maybe that is why I hurt so bad but it isn't fun having some 6ft guy who weighs 13st or something take you down.
I'm thinking a shower then a bath and then ice on my hand and knee. Then bed! I'm too tired and need to stop thinking.

I hope you've all had good weekend. :)

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Rain

Does anyone feel like coming to my house, dragging me out of bed and reminding me that I have things to do today?

I don't even have the motivation to go and get a shower. I need to remember to go to home BEFORE 5am! In fairness I was waiting for my trousers since my washing machine is brokend. I won't even get it back until the 4th August. Bleh.

I should get up and... Shower... Right.

Take care.
xxx

Monday, 11 July 2011

Dear Facebook

I would like my account back please. It might be a piece of rubbish but I want it back. The 23rd of January 1993 is my correct date of birth you dumb pieces of...

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Catch up

Doctors went pretty good. I got some tablets for iron and some other ones. All I know is I hate them because I can't swallow them right. Ironic that I can when I use laxatives though. However laxatives don't make me sick like these tablets do. Or make my heart beat really weird.

My doctor is charming though. Should you describe a doctor as that? Well, he is anyway. I couldn't lie to him though. Oh my gosh. I found that so weird. Why do I always get doctors that I get along with really well? It makes it so much harder to want to confess things to them. Thankfully he didn't have my medical records yet (it's been a month people! Sort it out. That is what you get when you had a shitty doctor you never really saw at any appointment previously.) Is it just me that gets a little red faced when doctors ask about sex and periods? I talk about that stuff a bit on PT but in real life I seem to be a little bit of a prude.

Ooh. I am now sort of ginger. I have no good photos at the moment but I quite like it. The sad/scary part is that is actually looks pretty natural on me. :O I look like my uncles child apparently haha. [He's pretty ginger and pale!]
I also rescued two lovely white kittens. Well they were abandond near my aunts where my cats live (7th floor isn't ideal for 2 outdoor cats lol), so my other aunt took them. I named them Mitsy and Misty. Very original I know. :P

Am I forgetting anything? Ahh, and to you who asked about the drama on PT, it was some over hyped crap between a few members and HRF James that went on for way too long.

I'm too tired today. I think I might check into my actual bed tonight! We fell asleep on the floor after getting back home from town last night and it isn't so comfortable when your floor is concrete and tiles under the carpet. I need to remember not to do that again tomorrow night since it is our movie and wine night. I am NEVER watching that new Nightmare on Elm Street again. Worst movie in the history of film!

Take care.
xxxx

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Screw it

Screw the drama on PT.
I am going to go over to a friends and have wine and vodka oj and the sorts whilst having a good night and a laugh like I had planned. Dye my hair whilst there too.

Way too stressful on that site. I have enough stress from my doctors appointment in the morning. I don't need more because people don't act their ages!

Do take care.
x

Saturday, 2 July 2011

DIY

FYI, I hate it! The instructions to build these wardrobes and drawers yesterday would have been much more useful if they had been in German! Could not grasp anything from them. So, maybe I don't hate DIY. I just hate the instruction manuals. And splinters. Oh my gosh. Worst thing ever!

I got my offical letter to offer my place at college yesterday. I did my tests on Monday which I don't think I mentioned anywhere and got A*-A-A-Pass which is pretty good considering it was based on things I last learnt about over 2 years ago and I didn't study for it because I was too busy... Out. :P Which reminds me I need to either drop it off at the college or post it.

Ooh, I have to go to the doctors on Wednesday. At 9:40am. How crap is that? It'll take me over an hour and half on the bus since I'll be at my friends Tuesday night. I should never book doctor appointments when I haven't slept in over 24 hours. I have the dentist again on Wednesday too I think. Oh boo. I think it is Wednesday. Maybe it is Thursday. I have it written down somewhere.

I'm pretty tired today. I feel like I haven't had a good sleep in ages which is true I guess.


Oh, and can I hear/watch/read the news without seeing waity and baldy? Seriously, they both need to get a job and pee off out of the newspapers and TV.

Take care.
xxx