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Saturday, 31 December 2011

Last day of 2011

It's time for me to stop ducking blogger and actually post!

Christmas went fine. Not too much food actually which surprised me. A LOT of alcohol, but alcohol doesn't scare me like food does. My Christmas dinner ended up being pizza lol. So not traditional in any shape or form, but Christmas isn't really traditional anymore. It's just an over commercialised holiday these days.

It's fine. Christmas only comes once year. Not feeling these gained pounds though and that is why I am glad Christmas only comes once a year. Fuck that song wishing for it every day! I'd be bigger than an house if that happened!

It's the last day of 2011 and I'm kind of scared. I don't know how 2012 is going to go and I don't know. I somehow just don't predict it being better than this year. I have no idea why, but I think it will be worse. Not because I want it to be or anything, just because the ED and things are getting worse. Worse than they were when 2011 started anyway. I don't see it improving any time soon. I want it to be a good year though. Or at least an okay year.

I'm heading out in a few hours to enter 2012 drunk and yeah. Hopefully it's another good night. I haven't had any sleep though so it could go either. Actually, knowing my friends, it could go either way anyway.

I should do my hair. I've not used any heated products on it in over two weeks! Shocking, right?!
I need to read blogs.
I need to take my braids out.
Actually, I need a shower first.

Happy New Year!

Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Merry Christmas

Have a fantastic day guys. Try not to let things get in the way of having fun.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 19 December 2011

Drunken whatever

I never blogged again. I think my New Years resolution needs to be to blog daily and not put it off.

I hate the holidays.
I hate the fact they revolve around food.
I hate the fact it is fricking freezing.
I hate the fact they are just about spending stupid amounts of money on people you aren't even keen on.
I just hate the holidays.

I'm not all bah humbug or anything. I don't like Easter or Halloween for pretty much the same reasons. I still celebrate them though because it would be slightly weird not to. Still, I sort of can't wait to go back to college and have my days filled up with the same ordinary shit over and over.

David and a few others are coming over in a wee while with alcohol and movies. :) Such a lovely boyfriend lol. So lovely. I do like the holidays for the fact I get to spend more time with people I like.

I've decided that when I lose 11kg I can ask for more help for the bulimia. I hate bulimia, yet purging... Purging gives me, I don't know about other bulimics, but it gives me a feeling of comfort. I think that is why the purging has always been a part of my ED. Even when the labels and diagnosis's have been different, purging in one form or another has always been there. I cant imagine it not being a part of my eating disorder. Like, in a sense, the thought of not purging is just as scary as not having an ED.

^^ Haha I should write that down to tell my doctor actually. I can be so much more honest once I am not sober. Still as anxious and that, but much more honest. I might try writing things down and handing it in at the surgery before our next appointment. That way it is easier.

I just read one of the nicest things on Facebook.
85 percent of people wish that they were perfect. 75 percent of the people who know those people, already think they are. Don't ever wish you were someone else because chances are, there is someone out there wishes they were you.

 So cute!

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

People are overrated!

I freaking hate people! I really do. Especially people like half my stupid class because they are the type of people who made my ED and SH so much worse in high school! Did I just put some of the blame of my issues on others? Too right!

Honestly though, I actually screamed at them in class. It has just got to the point where I am beyond pissed at them. This is college. There is no law saying they have to be there. They could just stay home and do jack shit whilst living up to their full potential of smoking pot and watching Jeremy Kyle. I thought I had left this drama crap in high school. Even then, I think we had the ability to more in high school because there was detention and isolation there.

Gah. Fuck. Crap. Shit. Bastard. Bleh. Swearing doesn't help, hence the fact I don't really swear in real life. I don't do stress. All it does is make me self harm more, make the eating disorder worse and make my anxiety go through the roof. Oh, and it tends to affect the OCD more. Oh the joyous fun! *sarcastic smile*

At least from 11am on Friday I have 2 and a half weeks to be as messed up as I want to be and not have to worry about it. :D Sorry. I'm in a real self destruct mood/mode kind of thing. Ignore any rambling lol. I was talking to Christine and Emma today though which made things a little better. We all had a moan about the students (wahey for having tutors who dislike certain students just as much as you!) and just talked in general. Kind of nice to just tale and things.

I was talking to the kid who did the whole self harm attention thing a few weeks ago yesterday and scarily enough, we are so similar. Really similar in terms of mental health which is sort of scary. Talking to him, I actually understand him more and kind of like him. Not in that way, but he is actually... Nice. Who would have thought it hey?

I also confessed to him, L*, B* (of sorts) and P* I have/had/whatever ocd, gad, bipolar and depression. I left out the eating disorder and self harm and just said there are other things I don't quite feel comfortable talking about yet. They were cool with it and surprisingly, I found myself feeling comfortable with the idea of telling people. I'm obviously not going to right now or anything, but they know it is medical and been going on for nearly 13 years. L* actually used to have bulimia when she was younger. I think that's what made me feel more okay with the idea of her knowing. B* was there though and I only trust L* and R* mainly. The boy I don't mind knowing because how can he be judgemental when he has 'issues' etc. P* I'm not so sure about. But I definitely don't trust B* knowing. The entire class would bloody know in 2 minutes flat!

For people asking in my last post, microdermals look like this picture I found on Google.
I'm definitely going to get hip and collarbone ones. I put off tattoos last year until I am at least 25 (to know if I really want them or just want them because it is now legal), so I am definitely getting piercings this year. I've already said in class in front of the people I like and my tutor that I am getting them on my birthday so I can't go back on it now. :)


I'll read your blogs and comment in the morning. I'm shattered and just blah, plus David's here.


Take care
xxxx 

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Only a few more days!

Until I don't have to wake up at 5am! I think I am liking that aspect about the two weeks off college than anything else. I think I might just have to start a countdown. :)

I'm debating whether to get microdermals under my collarbones. I'm getting my hip dermals and nose done for my birthday, I'm just stuck as to whether I should get collarbones done too. I think I might. I should..

I'm off to the gym in a wee bit with David since I am beyond bored and need to do something. Anything. The gym sounds a good idea though. A good workout is always good. I've just realised how many times I have used the word 'good' lol.

I really need to drink more water. I really don't drink enough of anything throughout the day. I should buy them 1 litre bottles of Evian (I think we all know that I am a water snob lol) and make sure to drink at least 1 a day.

Does anybody else plan out their food for the next week or whatever? For some reason, I feel much more in control of things when I do. Though Christmas seems to make December pure hell when it comes to the ED and the purging side of things. I'd take January over it since nobody over indulges in January because they all want to lose the few pounds they gained over Christmas.

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 8 December 2011

I'm so bad at posting lately so you can have some pictures :P

College is taking up all my time. Bloody essays! Speaking of which, I have to write one in class today that I am still finishing the plan for. I think it's done now though. I hope it is at least. I need to get a shower lol.


I look really weird with my glasses on. I look like a completely different person according to everyone who knows me. I'd pretty much agree depending which pair of glasses I wear.


That is the sort of shade of brown I dyed my hair weeks ago and said I would take a picture of. My webcam is bad at taking photos at my friends though. My hair has grown loads! It grows really fast which is pretty surprising.
 I've still got to finish my Christmas shopping. I've done most of it nearly and my apartment is sweet/chocolate heaven! It would be a little kids best friend lol. I am sick of having sweets and chocolate bought for me though. 1) I can't eat dairy. 2) The sweets are never vegetarian. I'd much rather have crackers or something lol.


I do need to go shopping for more gifts after English today though. Who knew it could be so hard to buy for boys? I'm absolutely stumped at what to buy.


I didn't quite lose the 3.2kg thanks to the ever wondering thing that is the period. I think I was like a kg off or something. Maybe just under 1kg. I did hit a lowest weight in years though which I am okay about.


I feel worried about having my picture on here now. I have some weird vision that someone I know will see them and I never used to be worried about things like that.



I'm 122.8lbs at the moment and would like to be 118lbs by the time college is out next Friday. I think that is the first time I have typed out my weight on here in... Ages! I don't do it often on PT either. When I am on there, that is.


Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 3 December 2011

The 3rd of December

First thing is first. My sports tutor is so cute. So cute in fact, that I am going to pick sport as my optional lesson after the Christmas holidays. Obviously it isn't just because he is good looking...

Going back to yesterday, none of us realised that we would have to spend more than an hour in the college gym. Can I just say that it is not fun, nor is it easy, to work out in skinny jeans and boots? It isn't an experience I ever wish to try again. It was nice to have an unexpected workout though. Even if I didn't smell as nice leaving the gym as I did entering the gym. :P

I hate not weighing myself on the weekends. It's frustrating for a lot of reasons, but good for a load of others. Bleh. I don't know. A break from the scale has never killed anyone, right? Surprisingly, I never used the scales for the first few years of my ED. I was always much more of a tape measure fan. Now, I rarely use a tape measure.

I've got lots of shopping to do tomorrow. Unfortunately none of it is for clothes. :( I don't really need more clothes (apart from skinny jeans) though. When I was doing the ironing and putting my clothes away before college the other day, I realised I have so many clothes I haven't even worn! Or I've worn them once and never again. I get stuck in a rut with favourite clothes sometimes.

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 1 December 2011

35 pounds ago...

I bought a lovely pair of shoes today to celebrate of sorts getting the highest English result again. It is safe to say I am amazing when it comes to English. :P
Back on the subject of the shoes. It made me realise (since they were £35) that I had lost 35lbs since telling my doctor and yet I don't see it. It's kind of not fair that we can never see how we really look but other people can.

I'm freezing tonight. The apartment is pretty warm too which is thoroughly annoying. I hate being cold.

I cannot believe it is December! Gosh. I should probably get started on that Christmas shopping at some point. I can't say I want to, but I should. I don't know what to buy people apart from obscene amounts of chocolate and sweets and biscuits. I quite like feeding people haha. Me and my friends have all already decided what we are going to have for Christmas dinner. I want a tofu and vegetable stir fry with rice noodles. I considered the vegetarian version of Christmas dinner but I can't be bothered with it.

I have 3.2kg to lose by next Wednesday (7th). Completely possible, completely needed.

Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 27 November 2011

I am a terrible blogger

I've become so terrible at blogging. Half is down to me just recovering from what the heck ever I had (seriously, my immune system seems to have turned to shit -_-), the other half is down to... Laziness.

Well, I gained weight earlier this month, got depressed at the number I saw on the scales, restricted, then fasted (or is that fasting?) lost 11lbs from the 16th to the 25th, haven't weighed myself since Friday and am only a few pounds away from the lowest weight I have been in 4 or so years? No, it's not a low weight in terms of weights I have been, it's just a low weight since the ED became EDNOS then Bulimia.

Bear Grylls is sort of yummy. Stupid name, but yummy.

I felt really bad the other day. I saw a picture of someone I was best friends with on Facebook, and all I could think was how I never want to look like her. Not so much her weight because she has always been big (and I am not all that shallow), just the fact she dresses as though she is a size 6 but is really a size 16. I felt quite bad for some reason though. Maybe I am shallow. Or maybe I just never want to look like I have more make up on than an oompa loompa and like my clothes wear me rather than I wear my clothes? Hmm.

I was purging earlier today (bit pointless since I haven't eaten in 8 days or something) and noticed blood. It wasn't anything I had drunk because I haven't drank anything red. I brushed it off. No big deal. It's funny how nothing is a big deal when it is us but when it is somebody else, we get all concerned and the sort. Same when we do stupid shit. We don't care when we are doing it ourselves, but if one of our friends is doing it, it becomes a big no no. Us humans are funny little things, aren't we?

Going back to the counselling thing I spoke about whenever it was I last posted. I have to wait for an initial assessment which will take - wait for it - 8 to 12 weeks. Such a joke. I can't even be arse with it to be quite frank. Fricking counselling at college would be easier though that isn't something I would ever do. It's funny how we decided on the counselling/therapy route because it would be faster than the ED centre route... Sure it is.
It's a good thing I am not aiming to recover isn't it? God have mercy on my soul the day I attempt that.

Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

All things ED

I have the worst sore throat and cough. You've got to love sitting next to sick people and catching what they have right? Though with any luck, I can get my voice to completely go and stay gone until next Friday. ;) I can't say I really want to do our speaking and listening English assessment next week. Talking in front of an entire class when you have bad anxiety isn't exactly the definition of fun. If only we didn't have to be sober to do it... ;)

I weighed myself this morning and can't say I like the number. So I'm starting a fast tomorrow.

I was googling swollen glands for someone in English class earlier today, and the first thing that came up was, "Swollen Glands and Your Bulimia." I laughed at the irony. Also in English, L* couldn't remember the lactose intolerant name when she was talking to her dad the other night, and she said she thought it was laxative intolerance. I also laughed at that. As did R*, Emma and P*. I laughed more when I thought it through. Just think, laxatives make you poop. Taking things you are intolerant to make you poop. Twice the poop. ;D It made us laugh anyway.

Everything today seemed to revolve around my ED in some way or my diet. Honest to God it is annoying to have to say over and over that I am a vegetarian when people keep offering me sweets. I realised that Starbursts are vegetarian today, but since I have never eaten them, I was reluctant to try them in English. L* also insisted my diet was more vegan than vegetarian. I would agree with her if I didn't eat Quorn products. I'd sort of like to try being fully vegan though. It'd probably be pretty easy.

I bought two size 6 dresses and a few other things the other day which proves that vanity sizing is pretty rife. I was having the conversation with the above people (L*, R*, P* and Emma) when we was talking about clothes. Now, I am (realistically) not fat, but I am not a UK size 6 at my current weight. Not even being 5'6 could make me a size 6. It's still a little loose on the waist, but I actually really like them. I must admit it gives you a bit of an ego boost when you take clothes with a size 6 hanger to the tills though. :P I might post pictures of them next week when I wear them.

I dyed my hair darker and got it cut. I'm so not impressed with how much hair got taken off. It is now exactly the same length (and colour scarily enough) as Emma's which isn't terrible because it looks lovely and healthy (my hair, not Emma), but by gosh I do miss the inches. I think I have a picture on webcam of how long it was before and I'll take a picture of it tomorrow. I've decided I am not going to colour my hair for quite some time and let it grow.

I am going to stop writing before I bore you all to death. :P And before I become more frustrated at accidentally locking the mouse pad thing when I touch it.

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Catch up

So I am back. Again.

I gave up on my old laptop and bought another one instead. I used the excuse that I got the highest mark in my English exam as my reason for buying it haha. I got 13 out of 15 again like I did in my mock one, so I am okay with that. I was dreading it being worse which a lot of people in my class ended up doing. I'm doing pretty good in that class to say I never really did English in high school. It must come naturally like Maths does. :P I've just got to wait on the results from the test we did Wednesday and Thursday in English. Hopefully we'll get them next week or the week after.

Things are alright though. I actually ate in front of two friends in college plus Christine and Emma. I actually felt really proud of myself because I don't eat in front of people a lot. Especially ones that know about my ED which the tutors do. So yeah. It's kind of lame, but I was pleased with that. I must say, my college does a really good vegetable stir fry!

I had a doctors appointment on Thursday. I always seem to see him on a Thursday which I do no mind because there is 3 days before it and 3 days after it. Yeah, I like the number 3 if I haven't mentioned. Plus it is the 4th day of the week and 4 is my favourite number. I've ventured straight off of the point as to why I went haven't I? He sprung a 'surprise' blood test on me. That is never good when you have cuts and things all up your arms. It's also not good when you haven't eaten either. But yeah. The lecture aka 'concerned talk' I got off the nurse was just unreal. I wanted to laugh because when I'm nervous, I laugh. I don't mean to, I just do. She got my doctor to come in for a 'chat' too. It was such a fun 2 hours I ended up spending there. He did referrals and stuff from that letter Jess sent him a while back so I have to wait for them or whatever. I did get given the worst tasting medicine for my anaemia though. It's sugar free and disgusting! I'd rather have it loaded with sugar like my last one was haha.

I've got the spend until Tuesday morning studying for my Physics exam. It's easy enough really. Just boring. I have no interest in heat or electricity whatsoever. I think I'll spend the weekend switching between exercising and studying. No alcohol!

Is there anything else I wanted to write about? Oh. Richard has gone from Maths for now. :( The new Maths teacher isn't to my taste at all. 5 minutes into Maths on Wednesday and me and P* wanted Richard back. I can't be doing with Martin. He actually reminds me of Martin Clunes I think his name his. I do like the fact he lets us keep our earphones in though. It makes it easier to do algebra when you can't hear him. ;)

So I've now got to play catch up with blogs. Fun, fun.

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 5 November 2011

November

I just realised, my last post wasn't exactly positive, was it? Then I didn't blog again. Or go online actually. The laptop has just been sat there since Tuesday collecting dust.

So, yeah. Hi?

Things have actually been a little bit better not spending time online. I can't say I actually miss sitting in front of the laptop because I've actually been spending time with my friends and that. Plus college started up again which is so good. Just because I am determined to keep the 100% thing lol. But college distracts me from SH and the eating disorder for a few hours each day, which is nice.

Or rather it did. We have a super attention seeking guy in our class. He's the type who uses any little problem he has as an excuse for everything. Well, Wednesday, me and my friend were waiting for our next lesson, tutorial, (with Christine) straight after English (with Emma) instead of going for lunch, and he sat next to us for some reason. He only ever sits/talks/does anything near or to us. Anyway. He had his sleeves up like most people tend to, excluding me lol. But he walks, or rather stomps, off and came back a few minutes later with scratches on his harm. He repeated this process a few times, but left his sleeves up so me and R* could see them.

It frustrated the shit out of me because if you self harm, you are not leaving your fucking sleeves up so people can see. Jesus Christ. It's like me walking around with a flipping vest top on. I understand not giving a shit about scars, but actual cuts you just did? I wanted to smack him. I really, really wanted to smack him. It just frustrated me because in my opinion, that's just for attention. People just... Don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Who am I to judge and all that jazz, but when you do it yourself, you sort of understand it. In my opinion, and I'm not sorry for thinking it, that is all attention seeking.

We talked to Christine and Emma about it like anybody would, and we did it in a respectful way like you should, and that was just... *aims gun at head* I love Christine and Emma because they are so nice, but the way tutors stick up for him is just annoying. I understand he has issues, like hello(!), but come on. You have to take responsibility for your actions at some point. To self harm in college is just wrong, and I don't care if it is your coping mechanism, or your way of getting attention... Plus, it means he brought a blade into college which is, 1) against the law since I highly doubt it is under 2 inches (I think blades have to be under 2 inches. Don't quote me.), and, 2) would, or rather should, get you kicked out of college because you can't take weapons in there.

But yeah. It pissed me off which both Christine and Emma could tell. When I get angry, I want to cry. I have no idea why because it's just stupid. It also makes me want to punch a wall or cut, but I'll take the tears of frustration. :P

Enough of him because he annoys me. The situation annoys me because I am pissed he brought me and R* into. He should have just pulled his sleeves down like he did when Chrisine and then everyone else got to the floor/classroom. It would be like me flaunting my SH. Or me flaunting my ED or whatever else. I'm not saying ignore your problems, but don't show them off like it's the latest fashion. *End of the matter*

How much did I just write on that?! This is going to be so long, I can just tell.

Going back to college though, I am pretty much around/above a A grade in both Maths and English. *happy party* We've got to start our second assessment in Engish on Wednesday and the week after we have a Science test. If we fail (because of the whole crappy teacher thing, learning the wrong thing, having just 4? lessons on Physics?), we do get to sit it again. I don't want to fail though. It's going to take some major studying to actually take it in because Physics is the most boring subject ever. Pretty easy, but mind crippling. I need a B in Science, but want to get an A.

It's bonfire night and I'm off out with a couple of friends tonight. I can't say I am a fan of fireworks and the sort, which thankfully there isn't a lot of where I live, but it's an excuse to go out and be social. Even though it is freezing and wet, I'm not staying in or spending time on the computer because that is boring. I'd rather freeze haha.

I'm sure I have missed loads out of the week, but I'd rather go off and read/comment and then the gym. It's not been much of an interesting week really. Take the self harm out, take the ED out, take the rest of my issues out, and you are left with a week full of college, studying and going out. And the gym.

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Halloween

I've actually had a good night.

Yet all I want to do is cut.

And cry.

And cut.

I wish my friends would go to bed so I could.
I'm glad they haven't.
I'm not glad.

FML.

xx

Friday, 28 October 2011

Holy shit!

Hi!

I can actually blog! Amazing right? Long story about the charger. Dell delievered it Wednesday, wasn't the right one, had to order the correct one and have to do the annoying wait all over again. Joyous fun it is lol.

At least I have a computer for now though. Sort of. I've stolen my old laptop back from my cousin until next week when I get back from Scotland. Have I mentioned I've gone to Scotland until Monday? I probably didn't and wrote it in my journal instead lol. Yes, I actually got that bored of not being able to write down my thoughts that I started a journal. I've got to say, I much prefer blogging because I don't really run the risk of anyone finding it and thinking I'm a wee bit crackers.

I feel a bit bad about not going on PT and being a decent mod lately. I miss not posting much on there and actually getting involved with the community which I need to start doing again once I have my own computer back. It's not the same using my phone to go on there because it takes forever!

Anyway, back to the Scotland thing. We came up... Wednesday? It's lovely to be out of Leeds. I've got to say, I would prefer to be spending my holidays focusing on losing weight and things, but this is nice too I guess. We come back down on Monday for Halloween which is actually going to be great. I suspect my Halloween will be very alcohol related which I am all for. When you don't go out for 4 months, you suddenly realise how boring things can be without a decent night out. So I am looking forward to that.

I can't remember how I used to type on this laptop. I'm not a huge fan of the keys. :/

I'm not feeling all the food we've been eating though. Sure, it's still pretty low to a regular person, but it's too high for me. It's the only part I hate about staying with people. Actually it is just the food I hate. If only it could be taken out of every equation. ;)

This week has flown by. I'm not sure whether that is good or bad yet, but we did say our week off would go super fast and then term 2 would drag. I do like the structured days though so it isn't all bad.

Tutorial on Wednesday will be interesting though haha. Interesting for the fact it's Christine and that in itself will be interesting for a few reasons lol, and interesting for the fact I have a party Tuesday night after a football game. It's a bloody prom theme which is pretty interesting. Look at that! Getting drunk two nights in a row. I seem to be reverting back to my typical student ways. :P

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 22 October 2011

I hate not posting daily

Not having a computer really sucks. I mean, I have a computer and that, just the charger is broken. Using other peoples computers kind of scares me because I go into super secretive mode and get all paranoid that something will find out about the blog or something. I can't wait to have the charger I need delivered on Wednesday or Thursday. Bloody expensive for a computer I will only be using until I get a new one in a few weeks. :/

Anyway, I've stolen, of sorts, my friends PC whilst I am at his house. Since he is at work, I figured I would blog and say I am still actually alive. :P

Oh, funny story. Remember me blogging about the cute sub science tutor? We was talking about him in tutorial with my tutor/name twin Christine (my birth name is that though I got it changed a few years ago to Kristina. Long ass story. I've never admitted what my birth name was actually! Something new for you all lol. Still need to get extra copies of my deed poll thing so that I can change my name on things...) Anyway! She asked how we found Nigel and we said he was the best tutor we've had so far and I said he happens to be the cutest one too...

Turns out he is her boyfriend and has been for 10 years!! Yeah, I felt so embarrassed for the next 2 hours haha. She's going to tell him too! To 'boost his ego' lol. How evil is that? Haha. Gosh, I couldn't look at her fully without feeling embarrassed, so it is a really good thing I am not back at college until the 1st of November. So as well as being name twins, we have a similar-ish taste in what guys are good looking. Weird lol.

God I am so bored without being able to waste my life online. I've actually done tons of revision I don't even need to do simply because there is nothing else to do. I wonder how the hell we survived without the Internet! What did humans do without computers? Can't remember? Nor can I.

I miss reading all your blogs. They used to keep me busy and they interested me since I have a boring life lol. I guess I can use my free time and week off college to work out, lose 7lbs and study before Halloween. I have the doctors on the 3rd too so I need to lose weight before then because my crazy brain tells me I need to.

Oh the pin thin. I typed D instead of F haha. My pin is 22e3f734. I should pay more attention lol.

I hope you are ll well and hopefully I will get a chance to read and comment on your lovely blogs at some point this weekend.

Sidenote: I have 100% attendance! This has never happened before. Especially not in high school! I feel so proud of me, especially since I am the only one with 100% attendance and 100% in being on time for all my lessons. I am doing higher maths too (which is just as easy may I add!) and staying in the same class with Richard. They are really good at understanding that it would be no easy feat to suddenly change classes and that with my anxiety etc. They've done the same with Alistair too which is nice.

Take care
xxxxxx

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Well, the weekend flew by!

Do you ever just want to tell someone to fuck off? That their 'problems' aren't even problems at all? It's so frustrating how you are meant to give a crap about their shit, yet they don't give the slightest damn about your problems. But yeah. I'm apparently meant to give a damn because you drove whilst drunk and broke your jaw.

Yeah. Not happening. Dickhead.

It's nice to be able to prove my French is great. ;) Surprisingly, I don't swear in real life.

It's my weigh in day tomorrow. I've decided it will just be on Mondays. It's kind of nice not to step on the scale everyday even though it is tempting to just get on them after a shower in the morning. Speaking of showers, I was just about to jump in it when I realised I hadn't blogged lol. Random bit of information for you all. :P

Somebody said they wanted my BBM pin and I can't remember who it was. Anyway, it's 22E3F734. It can be a tit sometimes so don't worry if I sometimes ignore your messages and that lol.

I haven't done my English essay/anthology thingy! I completely forgot about it until I went through my folders and realised I had done everything else but that! I have until Wednesday though so I can do it after I go shopping tomorrow. Shopping and Starbucks are just what a girl needs on a study day. ♥ ♥ I need to buy some more boots. I was going to buy my Converse and Vans this week but I have decided to wait for a week or two. Or until I reach a certain weight. I like the sound of the latter option actually.

Hmm... Do I actually have anything else to talk about? Well I always have something to talk about, I'm just not sure it is interesting lol. In 12 days I will be drinking alcohol for the first time in months and being a normal 18 year old! Not that I am a normal 18 year old.. But I actually can't wait to go out with my friends. Let's just hope I do nothing stupid again haha.

I was thinking this morning about weight and things. (Nothing new I guess.) I realised how much college scares me when it comes to my weight which sounds super dumb written down. But obviously I don't want to gain weight and have them see me at an higher weight (only Emma has seen me at my HW which is bad enough to think about!), but I sort of don't want them to see me at a really low weight. No idea why. It sort of makes me cringe and feel embarrassed just thinking about the fact they will most likely see me at a lower weight. But on the other hand, I don't want them to see me at this weight. I have a messed up way of thinking right? The fact they could see me at an higher weight/will probably see me at a lower weight scares me though.

And I've just broken my laptop charger. Fantastic! *insert angry words* For the love of God!

Enjoy your Sunday
Take care
xxxx

Friday, 14 October 2011

Hello 300 people...

My followers finally isn't on a odd amount lol. I hate odd numbers unless it's a multiple of 3 or dividable by 3 for example... Don't ask. :P It's strange because my actual favourite number is 4 lol. It's kind of why I like living at apartment number 44.

I haven't blogged in days!Actually, I haven't even been online in a while which is a little shocking. At least I have a few days where I can (hopefully) be online more.

Have I mentioned how much I love Shakespeare? Like, if he was alive, I could possibly be tempted to marry the guy. xD We're not doing Shakespeare at college until after Christmas and the New Year which was a bummer to learn. We are doing anthology or something at the moment, which isn't the worst thing I guess. Still, she said we were doing Romeo and Juliet. *sulky pout* Back to Shakespeare. I've got Hamlet, Othello, Macbeth and Romeo and Juliet to read. It should make for a good weekend/few days reading. I've got to pick up a James Patterson book and Lord of The Flies from WHSmith tomorrow too.

[Have you noticed I am a book worm?]

I didn't weigh myself this morning! I meant to, but it totally slipped my mind and I set off for college instead. I'm going to stick to the days I said I'd weigh myself though. Still, how do you forget to weigh yourself?

Our sub Science teacher is so nice. And cute. Very cute! Plus Science is actually really interesting again. I wish he was going to be our teacher for the rest of the year but alas, I don't think he is going to be.
Tim sort of left! I feel kind of bad because the main reason he left was because 'students' complained he wasn't doing his job properly... Me and my friend were them 'students'. xD Thank God he is gone though. He's actually been teaching us the wrong shit (Human Biology) since term started and now we have to catch up with 5 weeks of Physics. Yay!

Oh, I'm a student rep now. Yeah. One of the two that were meant to be doing it from our class has left the course and L is on holiday. Since nobody else was volunteering to go to the training on Tuesday, I sort of said I would. I have no idea why I said I would though. I get a certificate at the end of the year though which is cool. Plus if I like it, I might do it again next year and during the 2 years of A levels. Adam, the (hot lol) student liaison officer is the main guy we'll be doing our training with though. I've just noticed there is too many good looking tutors and people in my college! The entire blog will be about cute tutors/students before long haha.

I feel I have loads to say since I haven't updated in days, and yet I can't think of much off of the top of my head.

I won't get my English test results back until after half term. I've got such a bad feeling I'll do worse in this than the mocks. I better not. I hope I don't. See, waiting for results back makes me nervous and then I over analyze it and send myself crazy. Plus, Emma has to mark it and then Christine or 1 of the 2 other English teachers has to check it and make sure she has marked it right. I just want my results lol.

I'm going to stop writing because I got most of it out I think. I also have a lot of homework to complete too. :/ On a random side note, thank goodness Blackberry is working again! I don't care so much about BBM, it's the emailing part I was more bothered about. It didn't bother me per say because I was highly glad not to get all the stupid broadcasts from people, but it is nice that people don't have to moan about it not working anymore.

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 10 October 2011

Whatever you want to call this

All I've done today is work out. Work out, work out, work out.

And complain. :P

Me and a ED friend are so good at complaining about the ED and people and the NHS... We are just good at complaining in general lol. Plus, complaining on a Monday is pretty much mandatory as many of you know. Or should know.

I'm glad I am not the only one who starts thinking "I need to lose as much weight in a tiny period." Well not glad obviously, but I feel slightly less weird about it now. It's so frustrating though to push yourself to lose X amount of pounds in X amount of days. 18 in 18 for example. At least Halloween will be fun when the actual day arrives.

Last night I realised I did some of my real English exam wrong. :/ Thank God I have an hour on Wednesday where I can re-write it and correct the errors. At least I seem to have a really good ability to write fast and it still be readable lol. I am so obsessive about my handwriting. I can't stand to have any errors on whatever I am writing. It just drives me insane! I guess that is why I sort of prefer typing things up. I'm so frustrated that I didn't realise until last night though! I am so glad Emma broke the 2 hours into two parts. Frustrated, but really glad. 

I have Science in the morning which I really can't be arsed with. Last Tuesday we ended up getting into the discussion of suicide since when he worked in a college in Huddersfield, he saw somebody who had jumped from a higher floor, go past his window. So that was such a positive subject to be discussing.

Whatever. I'm just over thinking now and annoying myself.

Take care
xxxx

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Halloween

I've been getting Halloween plans in order tonight because I have quite a few. I'm out on the 28th, 31st and 1st, then my friend is having a birthday party on the 30th. It's so many parties. :/

I've decided I shall be a skeleton just for the irony. ;) Though I feel I need to lose at least 10lbs before I can consider wearing it. Halloween costumes and meet ups in general always trigger me into 'lose as much weight as possible' mode which probably isn't good...

Actually I am in the same kind of 'mode' when it comes to college. I only have another 2 weeks left before we get a week off and all I can focus on is
"How much weight can I lose before the 1st of November?"
It's so stupid. I hate the ED mindset at times. It almost becomes a competition of finding out how much weight you can lose in the smallest amount of time. "/ Sigh.

Anyway, it has been a pretty good day. I ended up not eating, though I didn't even notice. My friend pointed it out which is slightly annoying because they don't notice when I fast for 14+ days but notice when I don't eat for 1 day. He hadn't eaten either which made it annoying but ya know. I still like him haha.

I think my doctor and the PMHT are meant to be writing to me. I think. I so was not listening when that woman called me. I really hate talking on the phone unless it is to certain people because of my anxiety, so I tend to just give short answers and then realise I didn't even listen to what they said fully. I don't fully see the point in my doctor writing to me though and sending it in the post. I live pretty much next door to the surgery so it would take less time to just post it through my letterbox haha.

I hope you have all had a lovely weekend and I now have a billion blogs to read and twice as many comments to reply to. ;)

Oooh! Did I mention I have decided I will only weigh myself on Tuesday and Fridays? I don't think I did actually. I mentioned it somewhere on the internet though. So yeah. That is my new challenge.

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Time just drags

Today is going so slowly. I am impossibly bored.
I might download some songs or do some more revision. Or both. Or neither? I don't know yet.

I feel so stuffed! I got dinner with my friends earlier on. I got a veggie burger and fries whilst they got meat versions, and it was disgusting! That isn't even the ED part of me talking, it was genuinely horrible. The best part was probably the bread haha. xD

I don't have much to say. :/ It's not really been an interesting day.

I want to fast.
I want to work out too but my friend is here watching The X Factor that I am shamelessly recording. :P
I'm ignoring it and listening to Evanescence though lol.

I hope everyone is having a much more interesting evening than I am.

Take care
xxxx

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Rain and tests

Both test went well today. Maths was simple and English was easy. I got 2 pages done in 1hr which isn't bad and we complete it on Wednesday. Hopefully I do better in it since it's the real one and it would slightly suck to have done better in the mock one lol.

Me and two other girls in my class went down to the canteen before English since we got out of Maths 25 minutes early and heading back up to the fourth floor, we got in the same lift as Emma. Well she got in the same lift as us lol. It's always awkward in elevators because it is so silent and when things get awkward, I always want to laugh! I was trying so hard not to burst into a random fit of laughter and so was R.

Question: Have you ever felt that somebody who knows about your ED, gives you a mental pat on the back when they see you eating? I felt that is what Emma did on the way to class and it totally put me off wanting to eat. I ended up putting what I was eating in the bin.

Invisible_Ninja: The weather was (or rather is) terrible! I had just got on the bus this morning and it completely poured it down! I must of got caught in it like, 3 times though. So annoying. I didn't even take a coat haha.

LilyZara: Don't worry. English isn't my only favourite lesson. I like the fact I can actually show off in Maths so they are a tie. ;) I still love Maths.

Science is cancelled tomorrow which is a pain in the arse! In the last 4 weeks, we have only done 3 lessons out of 8. He's switched from Human Biology to Physics too which makes no sense at all. I wish I could fire him. That would completely make my day.

Going back to Maths, he's having a baby! Well his wife is but that isn't the point! He doesn't even look old enough to be married never mind have a child. It's so weird. He's leaving in a couple of weeks for a little while when his wife has the baby, which means we'll get a new tutor for a few weeks.

Blogger has stolen the list of blogs I follow again.

This is probably tmi, but I have become an expert at holding in explosive poop curtsy of laxatives. xD It actually makes me slightly smile to myself writing that down because it looks so funny haha!

Tonight's plan.

  • I have Maths homework to do. I've got until Wednesday to do it though.
  • I'm going to revise Science stuff. I took out books on Physics from the library.
  • I need to get together the books to take back to the library to take back out tomorrow.
  • Cycle because I am not going out in that rain.
  • Wash the hair because thanks to the rain, it smells rank lol.
Take care
xxxx

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Happiness is actually great

I got 13 out of 15 on my mock English test. It would have been 14 out of 15 but I forgot a set of speech marks lol. But that mark is still equivalent to A-A* which is amazing since English was never a favourite lesson of mine. I now actually love it and like the fact we are starting Shakespeare next week. Plus I got the highest mark in the entire class. Everyone else got below a 10 so I'm actually really, really happy. :D We do our real assignment tomorrow which hopefully I can get an higher grade on. I just need to keep my grades consistent at 13-15 in each assignment (we have 5 or 6 before our main exam next year) and I'll actually get A or A* granted the main exam goes well too.

I'm going to see if Richard will let me self tutor myself on certain things in Maths so that I can do higher tier Maths without having to switch classes. If I switch classes it means I am not with my friends and I'd have to switch ICT and things to do with another set which I am not doing. If he says no I'll just do higher Maths next year, but he's letting another kid do it and Alistair is dyslexic and not fantastic at Maths so I hope he'll let me do it. I'll ask him after our test in Maths tomorrow. It's only stuff like surds, trigonometry and a few other things I'd have to do since he doesn't teach the entire class that. Easy peasy stuff lol.

So yeah. College is going really well. I love English lol. Just throwing it out there. :P

I do have non related college things to write about haha. The ED and treatment from places is just impossible so I'd rather not talk about that. It's too frustrating. Um, I bought more laxatives today and at this rate I think they qualify as a food group haha. ;) It's not good but what can you do about it? Rhetorical question by the way.

I don't know what to write. I'm just actually pretty happy which I have stated too many times already. I think I am going to go for a quick run in a little while, come back and study for tomorrow, comment on blogs and enjoy my evening. I was going to go to the gym but I won't have enough time to do that and study as well. I could always do some cycling. I still haven't gotten around to taking photos of my hair but I will do before the week is out.

Have a good evening. :)
Take care.
xxxx

Monday, 3 October 2011

Motivated for October

I'm actually confident this month is going to go well. It's going to be a month of me ignoring the fact people know about the ED and just getting on with it because I do still give up with working on it for now.

It's Halloween at the end of the month and I've decided I am going to do something with my friends, get drunk and ignore the fact I will have college the day after. :P It's about time I was more social haha.

Onto the weekend. It wasn't too bad actually (well after Saturday it was alright) and with PT been down for most of it, I actually got all my homework done. Actually, I studied things I didn't need to simply because I was bored! You don't realise how much time you spend on the internet until the site goes down or something. Plus it makes you realise how much you actually depend on it and that isn't good. You shouldn't have to rely on a site for anything.

Today is my study day and I have done everything but study. :P Thanks to the cooler weather (Thank God!), I've actually been more inclined to exercise more. Yeah, I have the habit of exercising way too much, but it improves my mood so much.

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 1 October 2011

1st of October

I was going to blog last night but I saw no point. It would only have been full of pointless shit and even though it probably will be now, at least it isn't completely angry pointless shit lol.

That woman called back yesterday and... Yeah. It's frustrating and I was kind of beyond pissed when I was talking to her and she said she hadn't even spoken to my doctor but she will write to him that day instead and some other useless stuff that I ignored since I had zoned out after she said she hadn't attempted to call my doctor. Plus I was in class (on a break) when I was talking to her and I wanted to avoid feeling like I wanted to go on a murdering spree. So, fantastic. *rolls eyes* It made a pretty bad day even worse and blah.


I don't know. I give up (on the sorting it out thing, not life). All I can think is, "What's the point?" I don't know. It just seems bloody ridiculous that I'd most likely receive whatever crap I need if I weighed less because we all know it's weight that matters most to a lot of 'professionals'. I don't know.


I always defend the NHS and the people who work for it, but I actually realise how them opinions slightly change when it is you they piss off. It's not so much the people who work for the NHS that have annoyed me because my doctor is lovely and she wasn't that bad, it's the fact that the entire system is over-run with overpaid suits who have fucked the entire thing up. It's the fact that weight plays such an important role in the amount of help you get from them because we all know if we had that all important BMI of 17.5, things would be completely different. It's the fact that the only eating disorder that ever receives enough help/attention is anorexia nervosa. Well, you know what AN, go die in a fucking hole! Out of all the eating disorders, anorexia is the least common one, yet it's treated like it is the only one that matters. And doctors and others wonder why people are not honest with them about things like eating disorder. We have regular Einsteins working as doctors all over the world now don't we?


So much for this post not including completely angry stuff lol. I hate being angry and frustrated. Especially when it's with things related to this because it makes me want to be self destructive in one way or another. Not that I care to be honest, but you know. I do care... Sort of.


Anyway, more positive things. Did I say that the other day I broke the 130's? I don't think I did you know. But yeah, go me. I realised whilst I was sat in my podcasting lesson yesterday (it was actually sort of interesting), that if I lose another 16lbs, I will have lost 50lbs since the 21st of July. I've lost 34lbs since that point so far. Not sure if that is positive, but it's much better than my ranting. ;)


I have tests next week in English, Science and I think Maths? I am already thinking of something to write about in English that includes the things we need to include to get the marks. I'm actually not going to write something based on medicine or eating disorders. :O Shock horror right? But they will all be easy apart from the Science one because the useless old fart doesn't teach is anything of use. He just gets us to copy down the answers onto worksheets that he gives us which is utterly pointless. I've taken to checking out books from the library band educating myself on General Science and Human Biology. I've got to say, I learn more from the books than I do from that twit of a man. Science is actually the best thing I did in school and he's completely ruined that one for me.


So it is the 1st of October. Eek! I get a week off in around 3 weeks which will be so nice because I won't have to wake up so early. :P College is officially killing my gym time which isn't good. I need to get back into running more often too once the weather cools down a little. Until then, I am destined to sticking to too much walking because of crappy traffic and cycling etc.


Enjoy this unusual sunny Saturday. :)
Take care
xxx

Thursday, 29 September 2011

The twenty-ninth

I have really bad anxiety today. My heart feels like it is going to come out of my chest.
Maybe it's the purging instead. :/ I do still feel like the room is spinning even though I am sat down.
No, it's the anxiety still.

I haven't blogged in days! I meant to last night but it was my 'friend's' 19th and I felt obliged to go out with them. It was quite fun actually even though I didn't drink anything alcoholic. You know when you are just not in the mood to drink but you also sort of are? Yeah.

Yesterday was such a bizarre day. A girl in my class doing a story thing on someone with anorexia but didn't even understand/know what eating disorders are didn't help. It's so hard not to actually blurt out everything about my ED when people are so fricking stupid and ignorant about them. it would help to actually know something about the thing your report is going to be based on. Alas, that is why I decided to do mine on medicine. :P I'm good at writing about medical things. It was that, or eating disorders. I was feeling up to writing about eating disorders in the first person. Too close to home.

Ooh! I am now a brunette! It still has a tint of auburn in like my natural colour does, but it's darker I think. I think I am going to leave it dark for a while, get it cut and then grow it out. It's getting to the length where curls can actually sit comfortably in it so it is about time to lay off the hair dye and let it be healthy.
I miss been ginger though. I actually love that hair colour.

I'll reply to comments in a wee while. I need to finish my English stuff which I would have done in class if I hadn't left early (by the way, interview went alright. It was (ironically) with somebody I used to work with which was nice.) this afternoon.
Plus I want a nap lol. I feel old saying that but not going to bed until 03:30 and waking up just before 05:00 for college isn't easy on the body. Even more so with the ridiculously hot weather the UK is getting right now. It's enough to make the average person want to pass out. So put all the ED stuff and that into a pot with super hot weather and it's not a good combo lol. Hot weather in September... Madness!

Take care
xxxx

Monday, 26 September 2011

The twenty-sixth

I completely forgot to press publish post last night and turned the computer off to go to bed lol. xD

So the appointment went okay. She thinks it is like, the wrong service because the stuff they do is really short term and she feels I need long term support/help so she is going to call my doctor and they'll discuss what sort of direction to go in. So I should get a phone call on Thursday or Friday which isn't good simply because I have college both days and the interview on Thursday. :/ I guess I'll be listening to a voicemail lol.

I wonder what route they'll end up suggesting. It actually makes me nervous thinking about it because some of the things she suggested were... I don't know. It feels like everyone but me takes this deadly serious lol. I take it serious, just not in the sense of wanting to change right now which people know and seem to accept of sorts...

I did realise how bad my anxiety and things are this morning though. I could barely talk and I felt like I was going to die! She pointed it out that I have terrible anxiety and all I could think in my head was "Oh, you so smart!"

It hasn't been a terrible day though. I went to my favourite park with friends and enjoyed what was left of the day. It was nice to do something outside the house and be semi social. :)

I am sure I had so much more I wanted to write but I am so tired! I had to wake up way too early for a Monday morning and the travelling was a real chore. The bus went through 4 or 5 different parts of Leeds before getting to where I actually needed to be. :|

Take care.
xxx

Sunday, 25 September 2011

The twenty-fifth

I've been sat here for around 20 minutes thinking about what it was I turned the computer back on for. Then I realised it was to use blogger. xD

Most of my afternoon has been spent downloading songs to update the phone and iPod because it is desperately needed. 200+ extra songs and I have just remembered a whole load more I want. This happens every time I get motivated to do this. I put it off for so long that I forget half of them.

It's my appointment tomorrow which means I should technically go to bed soon because I have to be up super early. Technically. I'm not tired though. Just a little nervous about the morning but I'm distracting myself so that I don't over think it all. It probably won't work but I can try right? :) I don't think it will be too bad in the slightest. I just think about things too much sometimes. It reminds me of job and college interviews. You are nervous until you get there and then you relax a little.

I might go to the library tomorrow and study/read. It'll be something different to studying at home because it gets boring after a while and I end up flicking through channels or on the net. All I seem to blog about is studying! I need to grab a life. ;)

She better be nice tomorrow... I hope she's nice. Or at least decent.

Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 24 September 2011

The twenty-fourth

I ended up sleeping most of my day away which is something I haven't done in so long. I didn't get out of bed until just before 4pm.

I woke up to like, 7 emails about comments on here, a bunch of random emails, a load of texts and 2 missed calls. Oops? It's not like any of it was important though. Just people wanting to know if I was going out and such which obviously I am not because besides the fact I am still(!) ill, it's freezing out! I am seriously freezing my butt off and that is inside! My friend came over for a few hours instead which was nice.

I don't have much to say. I didn't weigh myself this morning because I wasn't awake and then A came over. I might wait until Monday to weigh myself. It's nice to take a break from them stupid white things every once in a while.. ABC is going well as is studying. Studying and ABC... Two topics that are not even related to each other lol. Oh well.

I have nothing to do tomorrow apart from a bit of reading so I might grace the gym with my appearance. I haven't been in a while since I've been exercising at home. It'd be nice to have a wee bit of change in terms of exercising.

Take care
xxxxx

Friday, 23 September 2011

The twenty-third

Ahh I have so many blogs to catch up with! I miss having the time to read them all daily.

I made my appointment today for the mental health team people place.
It's on Monday.

Monday.

It's so scary! If I hadn't accepted that one though, there was no appointments until the end of October. It's so annoying that the first appointment isn't at my own doctors surgery though. It took me and a friend forever to find it today so I knew where it was on Monday. I told some crap about my reason for needing to go there. I think she is called Jess though. I'm not keen on talking to women. They tend to be such patronizing people lol. I just insulted women and I am one. :| Smart!
I hope she's nice because I am terrified. And annoyed because now I don't even get to spend my day off of college doing something nice.

Ugh. Too much on my mind. Stressful. I need an empty button for it or something. There should be a way to just stop thinking about things. Then again, there should be a lot of things. Bleh.

I have so much work to do. My life right now seems to revolve around college, the ED, talking about the ED, studying, barely sleeping... Endless cycle which is why I am spending my Friday night revising Maths/English/Science whilst watching back to back Two and Half Men instead of out with my lovely friends.

I've got that thing in my mind about weight again. Every time I have an appointment about the eating disorder I get it. It's sort of like a see 'how much you can lose' game thing and it is bloody annoying.

I should get on with my work and ignore everything. A 600 page maths book, a 420 page science book and 3 different English books do not read/study themselves. I don't even need to do some of the work but I'd rather be ahead in my classes than behind.  However, I get to catch up on all your lovely blogs too which is good. :)

I finally took my measurements too. There is quite a big difference (I mean between 2 and 8 inches difference) in everything, yet I don't see it. "/

Take care
xxxxx

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

The twenty-first

Same shit, different day. In most meanings of the sense really.

I saw my doctor this morning when I was setting off to college and ended up saying hi/having a how are you conversation. Anyone would think we were friends lol.

I was talking to Emma today about English and I'm going to be put in Higher Tier which is a yay. Same with Science, Maths and ICT because I am simply amazing at them all. ;) He's married! My Maths tutor, the guy who looks so much younger than he is, is married! I nearly fell off my chair because he looks like he's only just come out of university haha.

He's still cute though.

I talked to Christine about a few things. 3 of us ended up getting a box of chocolates for some thing we did last week and I was like, "I'm lactose intolerant" which was cool though I got the reply "What do you eat then? I mean, what food do you like?"

She got no reply.

It still shocks me how many people act shocked to know you can't eat chocolate. I've never been a chocolate fan in the slightest so I don't get how people can love it. I wonder if people actually believe you when you say you are lactose intolerant or dislike chocolate after telling them you have an eating disorder...

Anyway. We ended up talking about how I need to leave early next Thursday with Emma and then we went to her office where she randomly asked about the ED. Well she called it the 'issue we were talking about the other day' which sounds a bit better doesn't it? The conversation went a little like;

Her: "How'd the 'issue' we talked about?"
Me: "Meh. It's okay I guess." [The sad thing is, I actually said meh lol]
Her: "Better or worse?"
Me: " ... "
Her: "Worse then."
Me: "I guess."
Her: "Is it effecting your performance here? You can get more support."
Me: "No. I am doing alright actually."
Her: "You sure?"
Me: " Pretty sure yeah. I actually do not dislike a lesson which is a first!"
Her: "Would you even admit if things were going bad, both here and at home?"
[Random teacher popped her head around the door and left.]
Me: "Actually, I would. I have. I do. I mean... Haha, yeah."

It was much longer and we ended up on the subject of my cold and sore throat. Both of which are slowly killing me! My eyes are watering every two seconds because I need to sneeze but can't. It's like having hay fever in Autumn! Though I can't say I have ever had hay fever. I keep getting asked if I am okay though because tears roll down my cheeks all the time.

I'll do comments in the morning because I want to get this Maths homework out of the way  even though it isn't due until next Wednesday and have an early night. I'm so exhausted which isn't aided by my body absolutely loving me right now lol. some of you have had some strange comments though. I've had hands/feet ones before and they are just strange!

Take care
xxxx

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

The twentieth

8pm on a Tuesday and my body seems to think it's Friday! I'm pretty much exhausted which is why I am posting earlier so I can go to bed early. :P

Okay. So I'm going to post some pictures because of a comment I got this afternoon in Schuh on my free period.

Me and a few other girls on my course went shoe shopping to pass the time and I wore shorts today with no tights at first. I was feeling really brave lol. I was trying on these lovely things when one of the shop assistants said I had cute legs.

Cute legs.

What are cute legs?! Me and the others just laughed once he went to get the size smaller for me to try on.

It wasn't even a lame chat up line either because he was as gay as you can come. :P I normally hate compliments, but it was so weird to be told that about my short squidgy legs that I can't hate it lol.

We ended up in McDonald's straight after Science. Oh yeah, the tutor isn't anything to write home about. R* my Maths tutor doesn't have any competition. ;) Shame though. It would have been nice to have 2 hot tutors...
Anyway, I ended up grabbing just a diet coke from McDonald's. It drew a few raised eyebrows and comments but I genuinely am not a fan of their food. Plus, being a vegetarian limits what I can eat. If we had gone next door to Subway I would have been more tempted to get something.

Hmm what else have I done today? Oh yeah. The shorts I am wearing in them pictures are not the ones I wore. They are ones that haven't fit in quite some time. I actually think I bought them around 2 or so years ago lol. So it was nice to fit into them again and it made the day a little bit better. I can't remember what size they are, but a few more pounds lost and they will be a bit more comfortable because I am not a fan of shorts that don't have quite a bit of space.

Today has been okay though. Would have been better without purging/taking lax, but I can deal with that. What I cannot deal with is Mother Nature trying to kill me. I am sneezing every two seconds and my eyes are watering. It looks like I have been crying or something. This sore throat is a killer too. I think I hate purging more for the fact I always get sore throats and things than anything else some days.

I did get around to go and see Steve (finally remembered his name!) but he wasn't in the building at the time so I have to go back tomorrow. We'll meet and talk at some point this term. xD

Anyhoo! What is the weirdest/funniest compliment you have ever gotten from somebody?

Take care
xxoxx

Monday, 19 September 2011

The nineteenth

1 in 40 people have an extra nipple according to some fact on Embarrassing Bodies.

My day hasn't been too bad I guess. I spent most of the morning just walking around town with a friend, looking in shops (I spent way too much in Superdry and Ark lol) and things like that. See, this is why I need a job. My shopping habits are expensive!

I was almost normal. Almost.

It came to getting something to eat which I avoided and got a water instead. We went to Waitrose and I literally walked around twice just putting things back that I had picked up. I did the same in Marks and Spencer a little while later and then didn't even attempt to choose something in Sainsbury. I just got a drink and went for the bus.

I still have some Maths work to do (mainly showing my workings out which is difficult since I do it in my head) but since I don't have Maths until Wednesday, it can wait for tonight so I can caught up on blogs lol. It's the only annoying thing about college/having a social life. You tend to fall behind with things online.

What else... I cut on Sunday. Sucks but hey ho. 
I decided to sort of do the ABC again. I guess in theory it is better than not eating anything for long periods. Well, sort of. I'm not about to try and make sense of it.

I'm seriously having a brain fart today and can't think of what to write.

I have science tomorrow. I have to be there before 9am this time (it's on a completely different campus) and then once that is done I have a 2 hour gap before my next lesson. Or is it 2 and a half hours? Either way it is going to be boring doing nothing until after 1pm. I'll be sure to let you all know if I have a good looking tutor. ;)

There is something else... Oh yeah. I have to see Student Services or something tomorrow? Them dudes that handle health and support etc. I can't remember the guys name I am meant to see though so I'll have to check the voicemail they left me. I'll go and see them once my last lesson is done.

I still haven't got my letter from counselling but oh well. It'll come eventually. Or I'll see my GP eventually lol.

I hope you've all had a decent day.
Take care
xxxx

Saturday, 17 September 2011

The seventeenth

I've spent most of my day doing Maths/English homework/revision, surfing YouTube and brushing up on Science stuff. I don't ever do interesting things do I? Haha.

I did go to Starbucks and New Look today with a friend. I saw the B-eat t-shirt in New Look and was going to buy it but I decided not to. I felt a little bit hypocritical and decided I'll buy it in a few weeks or something. I still have to buy a dress or something for my interview.

Last night I sort of realised how much I have messed up my teeth over the years when I was brushing them. I dread to think of the dental work I'll end up getting done before getting braces. Dentists scare me a little bit. Not the dentists or what they do, it's mainly the dental students and the fact someone will have their hand in my mouth. I always get too tempted to bite down or something whilst they are talking to me. I still have no idea why they insist on starting a conversation with you whilst you obviously cannot talk back without chomping down on their fingers.

I feel... Confused of sorts today. I think I have the ability to think about things too much on weekends. That is why I have never liked them. It's always more tempting to do stupid things on the weekend for some reason. Then again, living alone it is always tempting to do stupid things. I have noticed that when I do self harm or something, I still do it in secrecy. Like, even though I know nobody could walk in and catch me in the act, I still act all weird and things like I used to when I lived with people.

I need to stop thinking about everything but what I am revising and that. Thinking can be dangerous lol. It should come with a warning label. :P
Anyway. I am going to do some cycling, finish my work and then maybe go to sleep. Or call somebody and distract myself for a while until I am tired.

Take care
xxoxx

Friday, 16 September 2011

The sixteenth

College was cancelled again today. I'll get to do science at some point... Apparently my timetable is back on track on Tuesday since Monday is my study day. I have a guy science tutor so lets hope he can rival my maths tutor on looks. ;) Haha!


I don't know what to write about. I'm still fighting the stupid plateau but I increased my calories a wee bit yesterday and today to maybe help. I think I am going to avoid the scales until Monday morning just for the added motivation to go to the gym and not be a recluse lol.


Whilst I am not losing weight, I seem to be losing inches? The 'perfect' trousers I bought a little while ago are actually loose despite the fact there is probably only 1-2lbs difference in weight from then to now. Which reminds me I still haven't done my measurements! I will remember one day lol. 


Something Emma (one of my tutors. Quite lovely too.) said yesterday made me think.



"We don't know if we cannot do something if we don't try it."


Now, okay, she was talking about something in English, but it can be applied to recovery from an eating disorder or self harm I guess. Or any addiction for that matter. We all say we can't do it or aren't ready, yet we never really attempt it. I don't know if you can ever really be ready for recovery. Sometimes you just have to jump upon that recovery train I guess.
I talk about it as though I am about to attempt recovery which I am not anytime soon, but when she said that all I could think about was how it really applied to recovery and change.


Take care.
xxoxx

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

The fourteenth

Super short post because it's really late and I am really tired lol.

College went okay. My tutors are being a little too nice but it wasn't a bad day at all. I actually really enjoyed English which has got to be a first! Emma made it interesting though and we found out we'll be doing Romeo and Juliet this year. I never did it in high school like everyone else (All girls school. Just a wee bit weird.) and I love Shakespeare so I didn't mind. :)

My maths teacher is kind of good looking lol. Ever since high school started, I've always had a good looking male tutor which I don't mind in the slightest. Depending on what/who the science tutor turns out to be, Maths could be my new favourite lesson. ;)

Me and another girl in my class (I actually get along with all the girls! It's never happened before. I normally get along with the guys but they are a wee bit... Eejit like.) are going to ask about adding extra classes to our timetable tomorrow. We want to do the same A levels you see (she's wanting to do veterinary medicine at uni and I want to do regular medicine) but need to do extra classes if possible just so we don't end up doing gcses for 2 whole years before another 2 years of a levels. If not, I don't mind an extra year with these tutors. I'd have them all the way through college if I could. :P

Right. Off the topic of college because it is reminding me that I should go to bed because of the 5am wake up.

Nasimiyu  posting her measurements on her blog completely reminded me I haven't done mine since I was 27lbs heavier. I tracked down my tape measure and am finally going to do them in the morning when I am getting ready and have weighed myself. The scale numbers need to move because they want to, they just... Can't.

This was meant to be short. :P I have double Maths and double English again tomorrow. I'm strange enough to actually be happy about that. Happy about college, the tutors and the people I like... It's actually pretty nice to have a few things going right when all the ED/SI things are going wrong. :)

PS - Reading Lissy's blog and the "Imagine your doctor naked with nipple tassels on" as made me think of my doctor... :| That is even worse than when Scottie was mentioning sleeping/dating him (me and her seem to have very random conversations). Lissy, you need to thank your friend for helping me think of my doctor, naked and in nipple tassels before going to bed. Nice.

Take care
xxoxx

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

The thirteenth

Now that college is tomorrow, I don't feel ready to go back. I know, I know. I've spent forever saying I want to go back and miss the structure and now I don't feel ready. I need to make up my mind I guess, but I'm just tired and need to find the energy to even want to do something.

It's double Maths and double English tomorrow. They hit me with one of my favourite lessons and one I really dislike. I hate English when it's been taught in a classroom. I just find it so hard to get interested in.

I think it is the fact I have to be up before 5am tomorrow that is severely putting me off and the fact that I have to be there at 9am. I live near an high school and 2 universities plus the city centre. Traffic takes the absolute mick in the morning! A few times I have actually managed to walk into the city centre before the bus got there which is telling of how slow it moves until 09:30am minimum.

I am pretty sure this was going to be more interesting.. :/ *thinks* I am 3lbs or so away from my LW of this year. It's still a normal weight and I hate the fact it's normal. I should be happy it isn't overweight/underweight I guess? This year as been crazy in terms of weight. It's been up, down, stable, down, up, stable, down... Endless cycle right?

I can't make it more interesting. I should do comments and then get stuff ready for tomorrow and then go to bed. At least I am off shopping after college. :)

Oh yeah! Word of advice to people; No food + purging liquids + too many laxatives + too much exercise = Not a good idea. Not at all.


Take care
xxoxx

Monday, 12 September 2011

The twelfth

The wind today was like a workout in itself! I am not a fan of ex hurricanes hitting my part of the UK when I have to go out for the day. I am not skinny in any shape or form, but it almost blew me up to Scotland! xD

College is cancelled until Wednesday. For some reason it has annoyed me and people would probably think I was very weird for being annoyed at that lol. I just want the structure back in my days already and to learn something. My brain has been out of action for too many months and I'm losing valuable information. ;) Plus it is just making me more nervous about going back and facing tutors.

I was checking out the grades I need to apply for medicine at the medical school here... I'm not looking forward to AS levels next year. I need AAA grades which is a little daunting to think about. It's just an added reminder that I can't fuck mess up college like I did high school.
University is expensive though isn't it?! I am so glad I wouldn't have to rent uni accommodation if I ever get into Leeds medical school because they are ridiculously priced. I feel so sorry for my friend who is moving into their accommodation soon.

Things still sort of suck but it's not too bad I guess. It's just one of those annoying things in life. I like the idea suggested about making a list of good and bad things about the ED. I'm not sure I have enough paper though haha. Ahh things will sort themselves out soon I hope. Or at least get back to my take on normal. Things cannot remain rubbish forever... Right?

Oh, and thank you for the good luck for the job interview. :) I genuinely hate interviews of any kind though. I should practice talking by using my Me to You teddy haha. :P That is what my friend did to get over her fear of interviews.

Take care
xxoxx

Saturday, 10 September 2011

The tenth


I want to eat.
I can't get myself to eat.

I want to be me. Who I used to be.
I don't know who 'me' is and I can't remember what I used to be like.

I want to stop purging.
I can't get myself to stop.

I don't want to be me.
I have no other option.

I want to be normal.
I don't know how to be normal.

I don't want to cry.
I can't bottle it up.

I don't want to keep self harming.
I can't stop the urge to do it.

I don't want to be this way.
I don't remember being any other way.

I want an hug.
I have pushed most people away.

I want to change.
I am too afraid to try to recover.

I want to go to medical school.
I see that dream go down the sink/toilet each time I throw up.
I see it fade each day I continue not eating.

I am just.. Tired of all this. Fed up. It's simply exhausting. It's exhausting being me.

--
Change of plans today. I'm with David at his place having a pj and TV night which is much better than being at home alone. It's been one of them days for so many reasons and if I hear another friend complain about their ridiculous problems to me, I am going to scream. Or shoot myself! Well I would if I had a gun. I wish people would realise how ridiculous their 'problems' are. It leaves me astounded that they think certain things are worthy of complaining about. People.

Um, I have a feeling I left something out of the blog yesterday.. Oh yes! I have a job interview on the 29th? I'm attempting to be positive about it. It's hard to stay positive when it seems impossible to get jobs these days, but I'm doing that positive thing.

Gosh it is too warm here. I would wear a vest instead of a long sleeved top but stupidity, self harm and a crappy day got the better of me. Ah well. I've started working in kilos instead of lbs for some reason. I think it's because that's what the doctors scales are in even though he converts it to lbs because he doesn't get kilos. Confusing right?

Take care.
xxoxx

Friday, 9 September 2011

The ninth


My weekend is going to involve that. Oh my gosh I am actually nervous about drinking lol. I haven't really drank alcohol since I turned into a writer on the night I wrote the letter to my doctor. I'm a little anxious which is so silly because it is going to be a good night. It always is when I'm with Alba and Rising.

So I probably won't blog much this weekend.

The day went okay. A lot of travelling and the stupid washing machine broke. Again! It's the 4th time this year so I think I am going to just ask for my money back and buy a different one because I am having no luck with this one.
Speaking of buying things, I need to go shopping in the morning for a dress and tights and a bag and shoes and a jacket... I decided I am going to wear a dress tomorrow night which I haven't done in ages because I look like a ball of fat in them. xD I tend to just stick to jeans when I go out but I am going to be brave and wear one.

I hope everybody has a lovely weekend. :) I'll comment back on all your blogs when I next blog. I feel weird not commenting, but I'm too busy. :/
Ooh, and my old tutor was in my dream last night! I'm not even going into the dream because it made even ME blush!! So, so weird to think about.

Take care
xxoxx

Thursday, 8 September 2011

The eighth


The doctors went pretty good. We/I agreed to the counselling and the eating disorder unit referral. It's still not recovery though. Just me being a good patient and attempting to work on other issues.


I had pretty low test results for most things (iron, potassium etc) and ended up having some supplement things. Another iron one which is one of the last things to try and get it up to a decent level because the tablets make me really ill and I end up throwing up. Plus they make my heart do funny things which isn't good when you already have issues with the thing lol. I have to wait for the letter from the other places though so we can build up a mental health team. That sort of scares.
I let him weigh me this time (I told him my weight last time since it was 4pm or something) and didn't just give the routine "I'm okay" reply. I was kind of happy with that.


I must be really huggable too because I got a half hug/pat on the back once I had talked about the self harm which didn't want to come out. I ended up telling him that I know what I am going to say until I am in front of him and then I get worried about it. He joked that it wasn't that, I was just distracted by his amazing good looks... That was met with me attempting to not die from laughing! xD <<< I do have a funny doctor! I showed him the recent cuts/burns/bruises though. Well not all of them. I'm not up for pulling my trousers down no matter how nice a guy he is. We ended up moving onto the subject of suicide ( "/ ) and if it ever seems like there is just no point to life. I've got to admit, it's a daily thought. It's always in the back of my head but I would never do it. It's tried and failed 2-3 times and it's just not worth it. It doesn't stop the thought/urge though does it? Anyway, the next time I want to hurt myself or feel like there is no point to life, I have to make an emergency appointment. That alone made me feel a little crazy.


Going back to the things not coming out, I tend to have everything in my mind what I am going to say whilst I am sat in the waiting room and then once I get in there, I think everything sounds too serious to say out loud and get put off talking about it. Then I end up saying it after God knows how many attempts. People are so patient with my super anxious ass. 
Emma hugged me yesterday too. Maybe it's because I look like I am a kid. Nothing to do with weight, I just really do not look like I am nearly 19. If I had gone to medical school this year people would have thought I'd skipped a few years to get there. :P


Oh, something to make you laugh. I pretty much said France was in the UK and was shocked when he said France is abroad (he asked if I had been abroad on holiday or traveled this year), I replied with "Really? France is not in the UK?!" so seriously and I sounded pretty shocked. That in itself qualifies me for the stupidest patient award. I had to laugh at myself because that completely made talking about the self harm easier. I can't say I have ever left the doctors with a smile apart from today. :)


Sorry for the blog all being on the same topic. It's all that is on my mind right now.


I did have a weird dream last night. My doctor and the other GP's who work with him were at my college doing some speech on healthy eating and being a student and everyone was listening to them (students, tutors, students families/friends etc). All of a sudden my doctor said my entire name and started talking about everything I've talked to him about and then everyone knew. I was so glad I woke up! It definitely made me not want to fall back asleep.


Take care
xxoxx