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Monday, 17 May 2010

There's got to be light right?

I don't know if there is or there isn't. What I do know is that I thought I was confused earlier... Yeah even more so now! I think I need a restart button. Maybe a delete one too. It would always come in handy haha xD The big sort of group of frie... well people I know (knew?) all seem to be doing their own thing. My supposed best friend moved to another part of Leeds and never told me. Considering we were like sisters living in each others pockets that's a big deal but over these past 5 months or so, we just seem to be "Facebook" friends and considering that I am not a constant user, it leaves the friendship thing a little known memory. Sigh. I had 2 kind of arguements tonight (Since I started writing this ages ago but did a completely different thing for a while) One with a friend because I gave up on this guy I used to really like (Yeah not sure I get it either) How long can you go on liking somebody and telling them without them reacting any different about it? I'd rather give up on what I feel and be friends with the guy so I am on a "weird" term with her. Don't know what it is to do with her though who I date, kiss, sleep with etc etc. Second one was with David. It was quite pathetic really but we had to stop talking half way through because his shift started and I feel kind of guilty that we got cut off and argh! Oh it's a stuff it thing. Today is not my day is it? Did day 1 of the fast but think I am going to start over Tuesday because I had drinks other than what I allowed myself. I'm going to start over in the morning and stick to what I plan this time. Seems a bit daft starting over but I can't continue if not satisfied. Meh I am just wierd but cool in that way xD I'm meant to be meeting Jenny on Thursday (God give me strength!) at 18:30. I really don't want to tbh. I always end up voluntering at the youth club with Andy whilst people gossip about us. It's not fun plus Anne left and Lauren runs the place so... I'd rather join the British Army and do a 26 mile run over the Scottish Highlands!! If I really can't get out of it then I guess I ahve no choice. I guess it's about time I caught up with them guys and listen to the boyfriend dramas. I thought I would only hear them from 16 year olds and that but people from work in their 20's and 30's still talk about it. Is there no getting away with it?? I must say after reading all the posts on PT and Facebook, I am so glad I don't live at home, Glad I never got forced to eat when i did live at home either. I'd probably of stood in front of a bus or something similar. No not suicidal just a figure of speech. I'd never join the "trend" of putting a suicide plan online. Be a leader not a follower haha xD I mean sure I sometimes feel forced to eat by the fella and friends but it's not an everyday thing. Thinking back I'm not sure how I cope living at home for like... nearly 10 years (6-7 until 16)... with an Eating Disorder. It's really sad that no-one in my family have ever noticed though. Teachers and people have suspected and made me feel at ease if I ever told anyone but no-one else. It's good and bad. I've always been known as the skinny, over fussy, lanky friend (aye it's a nice description) I had the weirdest thought that maybe once I get to my gw (97lbs for now) that maybe for once people will notice AND pay attention. I think in a way everyone with an ED wants somebody to notice and just care. And on that note I give up with the internet for now. Major shocker but I need to focus on other things and probably sleep at some point haha xD This blog takes a beating like a theraphy session =P =D Na'Nighty Night Mucho Love xoxox

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