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Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Made it another day

Without eatin but tbh I feel like shit. I really want to jump up and get something to eat. I am bloody starving and not too sure if I can last until Friday morning for some food. Am feeling like going on a mad binge but have already SI'd to remind myself not to. Wasn't even intending to. I was just cutting tape off my arm at first and then started scrathing with the blade. Soo bad I know. Right across the wrist and other places. I did my hip too because it is soo fat!! Don't wanna get back into SI so am not going to do it again from tonight. Ever again!! Have about 62 or more scratches on my left arm and god knows about the hip/side. Sting so flipping much. Pain required for being so fat and as a reminder to not eat until I am allowed to eat. Which isn't until Friday morning. I can do this I am sure I can. Think I might try and get a bit of sleep because have a long day planned. Na'Night Mucho Love xoxox

Weigh in

Last nights weigh in was 9st 7.3lbs (133.4lbs) Not too bad but could definitely be better. I think I will stop fasting Thursday evening so by that time I would like to be 9st 4lbs (130lbs) Would like a nice round figure to start off April. I want to end April at around or under 8st 3lbs (115lbs) I have lost nearly 11lbs on this fast. When I get to 9st 4lbs I will have lost 14lbs which is like a stone!! That will be so cool. From Friday morning I am going to have a bag of crisps in the morning (98 cals) 2 slices of toast for dinner (100 cals) and for tea I'll have a dutch crispcake + cheese (60 cals) As long as I stay at around 250 calories until Sunday I'll be okay. Monday I am going to fast to make up for Sunday cos I'll be having around 400 calories. Oh today is the 2 week marker on my fast =D So pleased with myself. Never fasted this long before so am pretty psyched though yesterday I felt so awful =( My heart was killing me and then I just had to sleep but it was pretty scary to feel. I think I will post a picture on Friday morning to see the results of not eating for 16 days. I personally don't see any difference. I am still really fat but I am trying to change. I think I have a picture to put on from Saturday but not sure =/ I'll check. Mucho Love xoxox

Sunday, 28 March 2010

:) ?

Well I did 300 crunches. I can't do anymore just yet. I feel so tired and weak. Probably mainly from not having any sleep last night. I really do need to make a start on things but I want to get 2 hours sleep first. Ah it sucks but I'll take any sleep I can get right now. I am off to sleep for now. Na'Night. Mucho Love xoxox

*yawns*

Well I weighed myself last nigth and I am 9st 8.4lbs or something weird. That's after drinking throughout the day too. So hopefully from avoiding liquids from now until tomorrow around 2pm I will get an accurate weight. Did 100 sit ups tonight in front of Joe. Think when she goes to bed (because I am doing an all nighter to focus on my leg) I am going to do abdominal cruntches. Think I might start Formspring lol Mucho love xoxox

Saturday, 27 March 2010

Hi-di-o

Well I weighed in and I am the exact same weight >:-( So pissed off witht hat but I think I may be holding onto water so I am not going to drink liquids from a certain time tonight and then weigh myself at 12am tomorrow to see if there is a difference. Gonna have a little check when I go and have a pee and see the numbers. Well I hope they have gone down at least by 1 =/ Mucho Love xoxox

Friday, 26 March 2010

Editing

This fat that needs to go. I have really fat hips and a fat waist and they need to shrink. I am working on it though. It's not as if I am fat and carrying on eating. My belly is proper rumbling lol. Keep drinking diet coke to shut it up. Not hungry though and that's me being honest. It makes me feel really sick smelling and looking at it. Must say I am losing my concentration though. Typing properly and fast isn't really happening and I am missing words out or spelling them wrong but it's worth it. I want this so badly. I want this thin gorgeous body. I don't want to be fat anymore. Think I am going to weigh myself in the morning. Need to check my progress. Bet I am well over 9st 7lbs. I was 9st 9lbs on Wednesday so Saturday will be 3 days or something later. I'll be bummed out if I am not 9st 7lbs tbh. But to be fair I think my body is in starvation mode. Everyone else has given up on this fast. Mucho Love xoxox

Urgh

I feel horrible! My heart is being a dick. Sometimes I am scared of what I am put myself through with this Eating Disorder and not eating. How can my heart rate bequite low but my blood pressure be high at 147/97?? I don't understand ='/ I think I should probably get a bit of rest. Na'Night or rather Good Morning. Hope I feel a bit better in a little while. Mucho Love xoxox

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Tough few hours

It's been a tough few past hours. Dannii said she was going to kill herself. I think I managed to talk her out of it. She said she'd sleep it off but I am kinda scared still about her. I hope she is definitely alright. Anyway I am quite close to day 11. I'm quite proud of how far I have come but am beginning to realise how badly I am falling into my Eating Disorder. It's a complex thing this. Mucho Love xoxox

=)

Well like I went to the doctors and have to have a shit load of tests on Monday morning. Got to have bloods for anaemia, test for why I break bones easily, urine sample (cos couldn't pee today) to check ketones and glucose. Pretty screwed because if it shows I am still anaemic and my bones are definitely weak AND have ketones and glucose in the urine I think any doctor no matter how stupid they are will put a few things together and come to a conclusion of not eating properly i.e Eating Disorder. So I think Monday could be a :( day. I hope they don't suspect anything but I will of been fasting for 14 days I think so it'd be pretty weird if they didn't. Ohs well. I don't care. They'll only keep check ups on me anyway. Had high blood pressure too which is strange I guess. It's more common in over eating than not eating but it happens. Mucho Love xoxox

Double digits!!

Made it into double digits with my fast!! Yay!! Excited. Now just need to keep on track until next Thursday lol even after my little "accident" on Sunday. Supposed to be going to my house on Friday to sort the carpet out but think I might stay at home and let Joe go over on herself so i can concentrate on my little project =P Haha!! Getting a bit worried now about the doctors later today. Trying to google what they normally do if too many ketones are in urine. So scared that'll I'll be caught out on day 10 of my fast. After 12 hours it is really obvious so after 240?? God what am I going to do? Shit shit shit shit shit!!! Deep breath. Maybe they'll think it is something else. Maybe they won't test it. Maybe... Oh who the hell am I trying to convince?? Oh god! I am so screwed. Even drinking a shit load today won't help because only food can. I am officially screwed! Mucho Love xoxox

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Oooppps

I forgot to write about the rest of my day haha!! Well day 9 is going down!! Day 10 babyy!! Whoo hoo haha. I shall stay food free for the rest of March =D Still really fat though. Am 9st 9 I think. I will weigh in in the morning. Not getting weighed at the doctors. Not a chance. I will use my foot as an excuse. Can't believe I haven't lost a stone yet though ='( Sucks. Think I will do some sit ups in 10 minutes when I have finished writing this. It's Wednesday right? I Just 7 more days of fasting and then I can eat. Not hungry but would love something to eat y'know? Maybe this new challenge will keep me occupied. I hope it does. It's pretty weird having a countdown until I can eat again. 16 days will be my longest fast. So psyched!! I am simpily uh-mazing! Haha only kidding. Mucho Love xoxox

FML :@

Got a stupid bloody locum doctor today that cut my cast off then said walk on it for a week and the we will x-ray it again! Bloody stupid fucking asshole!! Ugh!! Locum doctors are just complete morons. Especially when they barely speak English too.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Right

So I think I am going to have an early night tonight. Got to be up at 5am because have the hospital at 08:45am =/ Can't be bothered at that time of morning but am out all day too so it'll be tough to stay on track with the fast but I will do. So I will bid you goodnight and go to sleep ready for tomorrow. Na'Night Mucho Love xoxox

Okay, okay..

I am really panicing! I mean properly panicing. It's worse than the idea of having to eat food!! I need to give a urine sample to my doctor on Thursday and I'll have been fasting 10 days by then going onto 11. It will be full of Ketones. Shite!!!!!! I think hopefully because of the broken leg I won't be weighed for a good 6 weeks +. I hope so anyway so that gives me a chance to lose lots more weight. I need to do this. I think right now I am EDNO's. I don't want to be EDNO's. I want ot be Anorexic. I kind of want them to realise in a way. Strange hey? Mucho Love xoxox

Okay...

So I have decided. It's the 23rd of March today right? So that would mean including today there is 9 days left of this month. You think it would be possible to fast this month out? Mmm I think it would. I am going to try it and be strong. This is day 8 so am not doing too bad am I? Still am really fat. It's quite depressing ='( I need to get under 9 stone by the 8th of April so I need this fast. If I am right in these 7-8 days I have lost 7lbs+. Periods always make it hard to know your weight for a few days after it ends so will have a better reading of my weight. Obviously not right because of my cast but it'll be close I guess. Going to start doing 1000 sit ups a day too from today. As soon as Joe as gone to bed I am going to do 500 and then do the rest later on or maybe do them all at once. Okay so strange!! Was on google randomly searching things and the B-Eat website came up =/ Not quite sure what the Internet has planned for me but recovery is going out of the window lol. Am too fat haha!! Anyways away from that quite spooky occurrence lol. I'm getting a bit tired now. Still have to wait to do my sit ups =/ Mucho Love xoxox

Damn

10 minutes late posting this! :-( Ohs well lol. So day 7 went perfect. Made a pot noodle and took 2 bags of crisps then waited for Joe to go to the shop and threw them down the toilet. Success!! On day 8 now which I am happy about. It said on the electric scale I am 9st 13lbs but that's with a cast on and I am just coming off of my period so it's not accurate. I'm probably 5lbs less than that, which isn't bad because before I got my cast on I had gone up to 10st 4lbs =( Still a stupid fat fuck though! Need to lose a good 14lbs before I can stop fasting! I can do this. I will do this! Mucho Love xoxox

Sunday, 21 March 2010

Sunday not-so-blues

Well today as gone fantastically! I didn't eat Sunday dinner plus wasn't tempted to eat last night when drinking. So proud of me tbh. Well I said I would say everything about Dannii and that crap didn't I? Well... here goes! She's always complaining that she's fat (hell she's a bit smaller than me!!) but I can handle that because I do the same things sometimes. But she's always self harming quite bad so she says and then asks for my medical advice (with the nursing thing obviously I know quite a lot plus have been researching medicine for years) so I give her it but then she doesn't take it and then asks over and over. It really is annoying when you give a medical opinion and then she still doesn't listen but asks for more advice. I know that it is hard to ask for help but come on!! Jesus Christ! Even in A&E people eventually take the help given. Ugh! It's so fucking stressfull! I can't deal with her shit (God knows how truthfull) and my own problems. She wants to work but scared of people. She's a selective mute accourding to her and is scared of talking to people. I understand being shy. I am bloody shy but if you want to do anything in life you do have to overcome your own fears. Anyway I love her to pieces. She's my best friend in the whole world but sometimes you just don't know what to take seriously y'know? I aren't saying anymore on the subject now. Day 6 is almost over anyway yay!!! Mucho Love xoxox

Uh-oh

I did something last night/this morning I wish I hadn't. Oh God why the hell did I do it??? I just can't come to grips with it :-( I wanted to do it but maybe it just wasn't the right time to do it. Blah, blah, BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On better notes I am a little bit tipsy (not drunk though. Only had alcopops) AND am on day 6 of my fast. Convinced Jay to take half my dinner this afternoon which is a result!! I can make it look like I have eaten even though I haven't! Bonus!! Anyway it is like 3am or something daft and I think I should get a few hours sleep beofre having to cook tomorrow. Definitely feel bleeding sick. Drinking on an empty stomach is lousey. Belly kills now :'( Anyway I wanna text Dannii most of tomorrow so need sleep. Oh and more on the Dannii story tomorrow morning. I know I said that the other night but I definitely mean it this time. I think I need to puke. :-O Na'Night anyhow. Mucho Love xoxox

Saturday, 20 March 2010

=D Proud

So proud of me!! I resisted temptation to eat even though I cooked 4 slices of toast! Flushed them down the toilet. Also my family ordered a takeaway and I simpily said I don't drink and eat. I kinda suck because I have drunk alcohol but it's the weekend. Had 6 Wkd Blues so far. Got another 3 to drink. Still not hungry or anything but might cook some food later whne Jay is asleep and leave the plate on the floor or something to make it look like I have eaten. My nana is proper obsessed with if you have eaten or not. I have a good excuse to get out of eating dinner when they eat. Will simply say the alcohol is affecting me haha!! Am a genius =P Must say even after 6 Wkd Blues I am not drunk. A little bit tipsy with like talking but nothing major. Helps with the pain of my foot too. Unbelievable that I aren't drunk after not eating for nearly 6 days!!! I must say though my family are really drunk and have gone to bed. I'm using this alcohol consumption as an excuse not to eat tomorrows dinner despite cooking it. Haha!!! Mucho Love xoxox

Well

4 hours nearly into day 5 and I am off to sleep. I think I will wake up at 7ish and pour some Shreddies out then go back to sleep. When Joe goes to Tesco later on too I am going to cook something, take it into the bedroom then get rid of it. Gets me out of eating for the day anyway. Just need a plan to stop the belly grumbling lol. Think I am going to immensely liquid load. Should stop the noises haha!! Well anyways I am off to bed right now and will probably update at 7am if I wake up. If not it will be after 9am or afternoon time. Will talk about the annoying twat Dani too. Grrr!!! So much to say but I need to catch some Zzzz's right now so Na'Night. Mucho Love xoxox

5?

Day 5? Could it possibly be? =D Am so psyched! Can't believe I am past day 4 again. Today won't be too bad with getting out of eating but Sunday will be a little bit harder. Every two weeks we have my nana and cousin over to have a Sunday dinner. Only have mash, chicken and a few Yorkshire puddings but I think this time I will either leave my dinner until they've finished or I will make it look as though I have eaten half of it and will eat the rest a bit later. Either way I will get past day 7 (Sunday) and lose this fat. I want to make the 14 days minimum. So determined to do this. I need it. Think I am going to go and get some Diet Coke Cherry to get me through untilk I fall asleep. Mucho Love xoxox

Thursday, 18 March 2010

=D

Well the fact of the matter is I am on day 4 of my fast!! Woop-woop! I think I am going to lay down in bed and watch Loose Women and then Heremy Kyle then go to sleep. Got to go to the doctors in the morning to register up with them so that I can get a sick note so that I can get my ESA benefit. Going to be owed an awful lot of money. Plus the fact I only need £65 towards my cooker and then I have no major things to buy apart from a tv etc but don't need that just yet. More interested in pictures and everything else. Not too long now before I am all alone and have nobody to force me to eat. Happy!! I want to get past day 9 of this fast. Want to break my record and not just by 1 day. Boo!! That would suck. Want to do the full 2 weeks. Need this weekend to go fast and my nana to go home so that I have no major pressure to eat. Am scared I won't be able to do it ='( Anyway am going to go to bed and chill out then sleep. I will do this. Day 4 babyy!!! Mucho Love xoxox

My leg

Excuse the fatness of it but there is my cast. Sexy aye? Hahah
Mucho Love
xoxox

Short and sweet

Well today is technically day 3. Tv signals have gone out completely which is a pain in the arse so I think I might has well just go to bed really. No food as entered me for like nearly 51 hours =D Amazing to me. Hoping to get past the 9 day mark. Going to have to be quite crafty this weekend because my nana is going to be here and she always wants everyone to eat, so am going to have to cook in a morning and leave the plates with food on laying around. Need to just stay focused. I am kind of thinking of this as beat Jazzy. I mean she is on day 4 now (1 day ahead of me) so I need to go as long as she can and then go further. It's like a competition and I will come out on top!! Well am going to try and sleep. Will write more if I can't get to sleep. Mucho Love xoxox

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Hmmm

Well I was right. Stupid period came today =( Ahh well. I'll live with it. Can't remember when I last had it. Been expecting it for ages tbh. At least I'll be off by the time I have to go back to the hospital next week =) Fast is going awesome. Got cramps so that is putting me off eating. No food baby for like 37 + hours!! Go on girl! I can definitely do this. Going to remain strong and not give up for anybody! No food for me today or tomorrow or the next day. Going to Tesco's in a bit. Going to buy super healthy low cal things. Not buying food that tempts me either. I'll love it when I can move out cos then I won't have to buy any food =D It will be awesome.

Well better start getting ready to go to Tesco =) Byeeeee

Mucho Love

xoxox

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Yay internet back!!!

Had to get my computer fixed so was stuck using Joe's PC =( But am back to blog about everything now =D Okay so erm... guess what?? I broke my foot in the end =D Got a white cast on at the moment and got to go back a week on Wednesday. I want a red and blue cast but they don't do colours at a&e =( Ah well. Onto the weight issue I am 143 with the plaster cast on. Think I am going to google the weight of an average plaster cast and take that weight as a possible Ah stupid computer is going too slow. Pissing me off right now >:-( I think the cast probably weighs about 4lbs. Not sure though because it all depends on how much material is used etc etc. I think maybe I should take it as 3lbs? That would mean I am 140ish maybe. I think I am under but am going to go by 140lbs =/ Well I am fasting as a matter of fact. Jazzy on Facebook started an event (fast for 2 weeks then go to 20 days) so am attempting that. Have sailed through today so far with 2 hot chocolates and some Coca Cola. Not too bad. Out most of tomorrow so hope I can say no to food. Need to try and break my 9 day record for this year. Am gonna do it =D Think I might be getting my period. Not had a change on the scales plus feel quite bloated. Tmi I know haha!! =P Mucho Love xoxox

Sunday, 7 March 2010

.......

Busy weekend. Busy BINGING!!!!!!!!!! Ah ffs >:-( Sick of it but seem to be addicted to crisps. I ate a full bag of 6 in a row last night and then a million other bags throughout saturday. To make it worse Joe went out and bbought a ton nore of them. AH FML!!! Thee foot is quite painful on the other hand. So are my hands. Bless my arms having to put up with lifting my weight. Will post more later Mucho Love xoxox

Friday, 5 March 2010

I hurt

I hurt so, so, so, so, so, so much!! Crutches are a bloody workout in themselves! My whole body hurts. On issue of the foot... it may be broken but it is soo swollen that they couldn't tell. It bloody better be with the amount of pain it is causing me! On food note: I have had 262 + 264 + 98 + 134 = 758 I think. Crutches are amazing though for burning calories. In 4 hours I burnt 1309! Amazing hey? It'll be easier when I have got used to them again and my muscles have got used to them again I'll probably start doing a bit more walking on them. Not using them again much until next week when I have to go back to the hospital. Might get my hair cut next Wednesday after the hospital. Going to dye it on Monday I think. I'm going to get Joe to buy the hair dye tomorrow and I will do it on Monday morning :-) Mucho love xoxox

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

It kills

Damn it hurts. Bloody foot hurts like hell. Don't think i will be able to get the bus to the hospital. Think I might have to get a taxi there. Ow! Think I'll get a shower and get ready then head to the hospital. Mucho Love xoxox

It's just... Not sure =/

Food note: I had a couple of bites of a cheese sandwich, ready salted crisps and then around an hour ago I had a few slices of pizza. First time I've ordered fast food in quite a while. Dissappointed that I did but it'll be ok. Mucho Love xoxox

Monday, 1 March 2010

Oh it's like a new month

I totally blanked that it was the start of March! List of things to do this month:
  • Stop eating junk food
  • Not eat out at fast food joints
  • Save money
  • Get money sorted out
  • MOVE OUT!!!!

New Week =D

Well at 6pm I still have not eaten. Am quite happy about it. Think I might make today a fast day. Am panicking a bit though because I am not weighing in at all this week and might have a broken foot so how will I know what I have gained or lost?? Oh well will have to buy a tape measure and go by inches. Actually am having pancakes. I don't want it but Joes made them now. I wanna find out how many calories are in them. I think my milk is less than 20 cals, eggs are 87 cals and flour is around 100. I dunno. I think probably all in all it was around 450 cals :-O Shocking lol. Mucho Love xoxox