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Saturday, 27 February 2010

Right

I have decided to put a name on all the things I think I may/do have. Am no doctor but work in an hospital so know a lot about these things. Not to mention I live with them so yeah. Anyway it'll be helpful to have a list of problems that at some point I can bring up with my doctor when I decide I want to. Anorexia Nervosa with Bulimic Tendencies: Yep definitely would agree to that. OCD: Everything has to be perfect. My body, my house. Can't live in a mess or anything plus obsessive with washing my hands, HATE odd numbers (seriously can't deal with them) do everything I do daily at set times and a range of other things. I have obsessions with lots of things like violently hurting myself etc (ie the foot wink wink) BDD: I can literately convince myself I am a size 14 when am actually an 8. It's madness plus a little bit like OCD. Obsess over certain body parts for example, my hair. It has to be perfect! Not normal, not ordinary but perfect. That's why I dye it so often. I'm obsessed with my teeth too. They aren't white enough or straight enough. My nose is horrible. Because my mum is black but my daddy is white it's just stuck between them two types of noses. I would definitely have a nose job if I had the money. I'd book it tomorrow without a doubt. My skin is disgusting. I seriously have to cover it up with foundation and concealer and make up in general. It's so horrid and lets not get started on feet. Just one word. GROSS!! Depression: story of my freaking short life! I think a lot of it is from the Eating Disorder but it's also from the BDD too. It could also be to do with all the bullying in primary and high school. In my opinion a lot of my problems stem from bullying. PTSD: Well a lot of things have happened in my past that would contribute to this. From a really young age really. Have had physical and emotional abuse from so many people that would contribute to this. Suicidal: No more needs to be said :-P Self Harm: Cutting, breaking bones, scratching, eating disorder, over exercising etc etc. Mood changes: Seriously can be super happy moment and then so angry and violent. Bipolar: I just googled it for the sake of it and it would describe the mood changes and severe depression following each other all the time. Wow I could go on but I'd seem fucked up XD Mucho Love xoxox

Dunno what to call ya haha!!

Well I had that big bag of crisps earlier and 2 kinder bueno's and am still stuffed. Now my pizza is cooking and I don't even want it :-( Not hungry >:-( Grrrr!!! Don't want it!! I'm not hungry. I'm freaking not wanting to eat cos of my ED you moron!!! UGH!!

Mmmmm...

Eaten wayy more than I wanted too today. Wasn't even that I went out to the shop and bought the food, it was Joe. But have had around 1000 calories already PLUS she wants to cook am pizza EACH later! I can't eat a bloody pizza. Apparently accourding to my scales I am 139 again. How can that be? I think I need to do weekly weigh ins. Every Monday morning starting the 9th of March and then every Monday after. Hoping for 136 by this Monday but won't be weighing myself and then 131 by the 9th. 129 would be my goal for then really because the I could say to Dannii I have lost 5lbs. I told her I was 9st 7-8lbs. Lie? Yes. Do I care? No lol. I just need to lose a bit of weight. Might start the ABC tomorrow. It could be good for me plus exercise and I could totally be on track to get to 131 by the 9th. I used to be able to lose 1lb a day. Maybe should aim for that. I could lose 10lbs that way. I'd quite like that. Mucho Love xoxox

Friday, 26 February 2010

Gooooood news!

9st 9lbs this evening so that is 135lbs =) Yay! Only had beans on toast today so that is a good inprovement. Danni has gone up to 9st 7lbs roughly lol. Can't help but feel like saying skit! She eats loads and is always binging. About bloody time she put 12lbs on!!! So happy that she is so fat. Always takes her forever to lose weight anyway so I will probably lose the weight faster than her haha. Sorry but she is a self centred person. Mucho Love xoxox

Ouchie!!

Well I hurt my foot/ankle today :'( I fell down the escalators in Primark. How do you fall down escalators?! Lol it was funny but my foot/ankle kills! It looks strange too =/ Anyway going to get a shower and rest it. Mucho Love xoxox

Thursday, 25 February 2010

This is why...

I don't have friends really!! All two-faced, back-stabbing, idiotic morons out for what they can get! If their stupidly small brains could even grab the concept of friendship it would be a bloody miracle. I really do hate people. Caitlin is a fucking fake twat! Not made any contact for months. Best friends my arse! Danielle is a stupid git out for what she can get. All she wants is sympathy and if you don't give her it she will turn and moan to somebody else. So really I haven't got any friends. Sad or what? How many 17 year olds can have 900 or whatever friends on facebook and not talk to anybody or have a real life friend? I spend most of my time surrounded by music and things like that. I really am a geek :'( It's just horrible having nobody that I can go into town with shopping oranything. It's not fair why I haven't got any friends but all the horrible people do. Am I that bad that nobody likes me? It's probably because I am fat and worthless. I hate my life. Fine I might be getting a great job, brillant qualifications with a fantastic future and have my own place etc etc but I have nobody to share that with. No friends to laugh with or cry with. Just plain horrid. I feel so depressed and down. Mucho Love xoxox

Aye getting there

Had around 700 calories today which is alright. Had this pasta thing that was 301 calories, then had a bag of crisps that was 98 calories then the rest was made up of these dutch crispcakes and fake cheese. Not too bad for me at all today :-) Tomorrow will be better though. I know it will. Mucho Love xoxox

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Aye Afternoonies =)

Afternoonies :-) Proper stuffed up last night and had probably nearly 2000 calories plus a few vodkas. Laying off the alcohol for a while now y'know? I don't drink because it makes me happy I drink because it blocks out everything wrong and crappy in my life. That's a wrong reason to drink. New day now =)
  • 500 sit ups
  • 350 girl push ups

Think I might do the 0-2-4-6-8 thing from today so obviously I would have to fast today but I think I can manage that. It'd be nice to have a day free of food.

Am sure I can find lots of things to occupy me.

Mucho Love

xoxox

Monday, 22 February 2010

New week, no communication

Only sent 2 text messages, probably none tomorrow and commented on 2 statuses. I'm doing well but I must admit will having no communication even help? It's confusing hey? Lol. Did 1000 sit ups and 700 girl push ups this morning. Mucho Love xoxox

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Babee it hurts

Weight: Probably 140lbs a-frigging-gain! I can't take this anymore! I seriously can't. I am drinking again tonight. This is making me balloon up along with all the crap I have eaten. Ugh! Why do I do this? I am seriously screwing up badly. SO badly. I have gained so much weight and it's killing me. I just want to give up. I can't take gaining and all this shite. I need a new plan. I need to stop eating fully again. I need to exercise again. I think I am going to quit texting and talking to people on Facebook until Friday if I can. I need to get away from everybodies negativity. It's dragging me down in a sort of way. Mucho Love xoxox

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Exercise to make up for tonights piss up

Getting extremely drunk tonight so doing some work outs before my stupid cousin comes and I can't work out :-( 200 sit ups 200 left leg lifts 200 right leg lifts 200 girl push ups 200 left leg lunges 200 right leg lunges 200 squats 25 minute jog 30 minute walk Think I will stop at that because I am getting into Home Alone 3 lol and am singing along to everything on my mp3 player. I feel that probably burned around 400 calories at least so that's half a pizza :-) Still have another walk to up the shop for cherry coke and lemonade in a while so will burn maybe another 100 calories? Plus the workout this morning so I will have burnt off nearly all of my cheese Pizza yay!!

>:'(

Angry. Sad. Angry/Sad >:( + :( = >:'-( Just realized I have only lost 1lb since last Sunday. Depressing shite or what? 137lbs is an epic fail! Wonder if I will actually lose any weight this week or what? Think I need to have a shift kick up the arse to get it back in shape.

Weekend depression

Weight: 9st 11lbs so 137lbs. Food so far: Crisps = 100 cals worth. Exercise so far: 500 sit ups Feel alright so far :-) Mucho Love xoxox

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Thursday

Weight: I will check at 8:30am but it won't be accurate. Well I haven't done too badly with food these past few days. Yesterday I had a cheese toastie (450 cals est) and a bit of egg fried rice (probably around 200 cals worth) so that was around 650 calories. Did quite a bit of walking too so not dissapointed. Today I am heading out around 9:30am to go for a long ass walk. Might end up going to Roundhay Park and doing a few laps around Waterloo Lake and the Upper Lake. I think it is something like a mile around the small one and Waterloo Lake is... Just a second let me use Google the brain I never use =P ... I dunno lol. I think it is around 2.5 miles. Mucho Love xoxox

Monday, 15 February 2010

*blows raspberry!!*

Well my stupid cash is not in my bank. Thankfully Joe is going over to my house to get all of my mail which is great. Might be able to find out frigging why it's not here by now. It's pissing me off big time! Good thing is I will be able to work out for quite a few hours thankfully. Give me a chance to lose a bit more weight :-) Always a good thing haha! Think if I stay on track and lose maybe 4lbs by Monday (I know it might be hard with the pms) I will dye my hair next week. Getting suck off brown and black. Wanna be a blonde/light brown again. My hair needs cutting but it looks really cool this length plus I wanna grow it out. Getting bored of the short side fringe and layers right now. Want it long enough to have it curly :-) Plus my hair looks quite grown up when I have it down at this length =) Got to clean the bathroom and do the washing whilst Joe is out but thankfully that will be done in like 10 minutes if that. Can spend the rest of the time jogging on the spot, crunches etc. I need this workout session. Might also leave weighing in until every Sunday or Monday. Probably Monday though. Will be hard in a way but easy in another way. Avoid the evil but truthfull scales haha!! Fooooooo! Shoulder kills! Feel like it's going to pop out. My wirst kills too. Think I might of fallen out of bed onto it. Really hurts but I'll live. Feels really strange though. That's the wrist I am talking about. Maybe if it still hurts on Monday or something I will go see a doctor about it. Blah. Well Joe has headed out so I am going to work out. Ciao! Mucho Love xoxox <3

Mondayyy

Weight: 138.5 lbs Monthly visitor has arrived so I don't quite now what my exact weight is. That weight is Sundays. Todays was similar but the water weight I sometimes gain up to 5lbs whilst on my period so can't really take any weigh in weight too seriously until probably next Sunday/Monday time. Sucks but I can't do anything about it but continue to eat low amounts and working out which I must admit I haven't done much of since Saturday. Bought some lovely furniture and other things for my apartment which I hope to be in by the end of the month :-) So looking forward to it. Things to buy for my house
  • Fridge/Freezer
  • Cooker
  • Washer

I am getting all three on the 26th hopefully so that should be alright. Just waiting on my money to be put in my bank account. It's proper taking the piss if I am being honest. Well I am going to go and get ready to go the bank. Fingers crossed it is in because if not it means I have to go Cookridge to check my mail :-(

Mucho Love

xoxox

Saturday, 13 February 2010

Mwah!

Weight: 139.5lbs Mood: Determined and VERY Confused! It's Saturday now and I didn't do half of the things I wanted to do yesterday. Most of what I did was sleep lol. Didn't manage to fast either but had like 650ish calories which is alright :-) Feeling back on track and heading in the right direction which is great :-D Joe has only just gone to bed and it is half past four in the morning so will probably wait until around 5:30am to start exercising though I could maybe start at 5am ish. I think I will start at 5. Got a busy day planned today so looking forward to it. Need to write a list in a few minutes as to what I am going to buy. Would love to fucking smack Joe in the mouth she is such an annoying bitch!!! Okay haven't said this to anybody at all but I have this sneaking suspicion that one of my bestest friends I have met through Facebook that has ED may be fake. I got a bunch of weird text messages from her about committing suicide which isn't anything new but like today I ended up getting one text message back saying " Shez not good baby" and then the second one said " She gone to sleep dunt tell err I text yaz she wunt know az got free texts lmao. Huz diz anway? You meet her at college? I don't quite know what to make of it tbh. I trust well I did, still kind of do but now I just am confused. She was somebody I considered closer than my friends who I don't really see and this has kind of changed that. I know she complains a lot well a hell of a lot but I never considered her to be a fake. I'm just so confused and my head is everywhere atm :-( I want her to text in the morning saying she is fine but I think now my trust and confidence in her has kind of just vanished. It'll take me time before I think of her in the same way and even then I am not sure I ever will again. It's such a shame. Why does everybody seem to be fake or be lying about things? I mean especially an Eating Disorder and Self Harm and Suicidal Thoughts. I just don't get it at all! maybe I have blown this all out of preportion and she is telling the truth and it was Kel that text me last night but how will I ever know? She's not the person I thought she was and that hurts ='( Mucho Love xoxox

Friday, 12 February 2010

So far...

Went for a 45 minute walk at 7am. Felt lovely to go out in the morning air :-) Did 100 squats when I got back and that was okay. Want to do some more exercise but will do that around half eight. Might buy an exercise bike today. It's only £33 from Argos... Watch this space! Dunno for certain yet though but it's definately playing on my mind. Mucho Love xoxox

Wow it's like Friday

Well I didn't get to do anymore working out yesterday apart from walking. Had around 650 calories too. Too high but not that bad. A lot better than I have been doing these past few days anyway. I think tonight I am getting drunk but am going to avoid takeaways and things. Thinking about fasting too. Get drunk even faster =P Always a good thing =) Things I want to do today
  • Clean kitchen
  • Clean bathroom
  • Hoover the floor
  • Exercise
  • Fast
  • Got to £strecher and Wilkinsons and of course Tescos ;)
  • Have some slim fast milkshakes as meals.
  • Get DRUNK!!!

Thinking about starting to exercise now. Maybe lol.

Mucho Love

xoxox

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Thursday 11th February

Weight: 141.5lbs Mood: Depressed :-( Well about to start working out at 02:20am. Bleeding need it. Muscles ache but I don't care. I'd rather not be able to move because I have worked out so much. Did 90 minutes of walking yesterday :-) Ate too much though. 100 Right Leg Lifts Fucking hell!! Some woman is proper screaming! Gotta go and check it out! Should go to the bank too after. Shit man it's like so deathly the screams! I'm actually scared =/ Mucho Love xoxox

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Well, well, well

Didn't go to plan today. Ended up doing fine until we went to Subways at 1pm. That was fine though I could of lived with 300 calories from a stupid sandwich but now for the second night in a row I am eating a cheesey pizza from the bloody takeaway. I just can't seem to do right for wrong right now. It probably has a 1000 calories in it. SO weak! :-( Mucho Love xoxox

Wednesday 10th February

Weight: 1 Exercise Done: 01:00am - 02:00am 100 Squats 100 Crunches 100 Right Leg Lifts 100 Left Leg Lifts 100 Right Back Leg Lifts 100 Left Back Leg Lifts 100 Right Twists 100 Left Twists 1 Minute Plank 100 Sit Ups 100 Girl Push Ups 02:00am - 03:00am 100 Left Leg Lifts 100 Right Leg Lifts 200 Sit Ups 1 Minute Plank 100 Right Back leg Lifts 100 Left Back Leg Lifts 100 Right Twists 100 Left Twists 100 Girl Push Ups 100 Right Leg Lifts 100 Left Leg Lifts 100 Squats 100 Sit Ups That's it so far :-) Happy but it still isn't good enough :-( I will strive on to have a perfect body. Am allowed a maximum of 160 calories each day this week. If I do this varied plan with lots of exercise I should be able to lose 34lbs in 8 weeks which would be good :-D Better start trying to exercise again when Joe goes back to bloody bed lol. Mucho Love x0x0x

My new frigging start!

I am beyond shock! I am a lazy fat arsed twat!! I need to get in shape. Going to work out all night and go for a jog at 5am :-) Mucho Love xoxox

Monday, 1 February 2010

New month

Kicked it off at 9st 10lbs!!!! Fucking shocking!!! Getting absolutely wrecked tonight! Punishment lol. The tomorrow morning I am off to Roundhay Park to walk for hours and hours! More punishment. Gotta go and get my crb check sheet thing on Wednesday from Faron and Sue so that should be cool. I should be going for interviews I think it is on either the 19th or 26th which gives me a minimum of 18 days to get well under 120lbs! Stressful but doable. I could lose 1lb+ a day so more than a stone of would be good. Can't go back to work fat and ugly! Gotta get back on track! Need to get to 9st by Monday morning. I can do it! I can! Only 10lbs to lose. If I fast for the rest of the week I can lose 1lb+ a day plus if I am walking for around 4 hours minimum I can lose 10lbs easy. No problem... just have to stay on track and not go off it. I can do this =D Mucho Love xoxox