Followers

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Ending...

Well Sunday is over in like 28 minutes so I guess I have been successful on day 6. Why aren't I ecstatic though? Maybe it's just one of those things. I don't know but it will pass. The general want and need for food as totally gone. That's a good thing right? I have this little voice in my head say "no it's not. Talk to someone about this" but there is this overwhelming voice saying "You're doing fantastic! Keep it up. Food is the enemy, you don't want to stay fat do you?" And I must admit that last voice is the one I am going by. My brain and heart and well me working in the health profession know it is wrong but I don't want to do anything about it. I'd be branded if I got help and I like the feeling of losing. If I had to gain weight I would seriously die. I just don't know what this is anymore. Am I really still in control? Is it me saying I will carry on fasting or is it this... this voice Anna we'll call her? Seriously I have no idea anymore. Had a crazy thought about telling somebody, anybody but I know I can't. I can't handle that right now. I feel like I am crazy. All the other girls I know with an ED don't seem to be able to stop binging and well I'd say eating normally not binging. I can't seem to eat. I just don't want to. I've told no-one I am fasting. A few of them see it as wrong and I know deep down, the part of me that loves medicine and my job knows it's wrong too. I just know this ED is, well not wrong but it is an illness. It isn't my friend, I'm not daft enough to believe that. I ain't pro anorexia either. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Nobody deserves this. Despite laughing I am dying on the inside. The girl I once was so many years ago that loved being with her best friend as long gone for so many more reasons than this ED. I used to enjoy spending time with people, not minding if I was eating. Seems so long ago. One day I'll be like that again. Not have a care in the world and just actually live a little. Mucho Love xoxox

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