Saturday, 16 January 2010

Day..... 5 :O

Shocked! I mean totally shocked. Never expected to get this far at all. It's like all need of wanting food and everything has gone and I don't want to eat. It's strange. I haven't felt this feeling in so long but I feel I have total control straight now. Am sick of all the covering thing on my tongue though and the kinda bad breath but it's nothing gum and toothpaste/mouthwash can't sort out haha. Love the feel of my collarbones at the moment. I mean they don't stick out much but I think if I lose another 10lbs(?) maybe they'll protrude and that a bit more. Can't wait to be able to feel my ribs without fat being on them. And be able to touch my hip bones without fat being on them. Ah the 7st range here I come. Y'know looking back since Primary School I think I had all the typical signs that I would develop an eating disorder. I mean I was on over achiever during Primary. Always had to have the perfect grades and be the best at everything. Was never popular but was to my friends which made me feel well loved in a way but didn't get that from home. I was brought up in the most chaotic family you can imagine. Everyone seemed to love and acknowledge my brother and cousins but never me. I didn't feel that love despite trying to constantly trying to prove I was in a way worthy of it. By the time I had gotten to high school I was pretty much obsessed with calories and exercise. Then I got rebellious to try and get people to notice me which I must admit made a few tutors at my High School and also my brothers, which was a totally different School, notice but never my family or friends. The people I actually wanted to notice. I was losing weight, running/walking from 4am til aroun 12pm and no-one notice. I even had my excuse of "I was at my mates" but was never asked for it. I don't think people wanted to notice me. My brothers tutor Craig (won't say his full name) noticed when I was losing weight but I just claimed it was the change of hair colour (went from Blonde to Black ~ never ever again lol) but he never belived me. I quite liked the fact that he noticed and even I as I was going to explain to my birth parent and Caitlin, they'd not taken any attention to what he had said. That's how I spent my teenage years and still am. I mean I live with my auntie at the moment and she hasn't noticed I haven't eaten since Monday around 5pm :'( Pretty sad huh? Anyway am going to go and think over my shitty life. Mucho Love xoxox

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