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Sunday, 31 January 2010

Umph!

Well I went away for space... haha yeah frigging right! Ended up on a week long binge. Mucho Love xoxox

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Getting back on track

9st 6.5lbs this morning. Might have had something to do with the fact that I only had around 200 or less calories yesterday. Felt really ill so slept most of the day. Was going to binge but didn't want to go to the shop and Joe was in bed until after 5pm so didn't. Yay me lol. Need to push myself really hard again like I did on my 10 day fast. I can't keep giving in =( Excited about Friday though =) Giving blood hopefully =) =) Really cool though because this is the first time I've been allowed to =) Also got something else planned for Friday night. Painful and a million other things but... it's going to change things!! Uh oh. Fucked up! 6 slices of toast with cheese! What a wanker. Peace out. I need space =( Mucho Love xoxox

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Weak and Pathetic >=(

I ate =/ A bag of crisps (158 cals) and a cereal bar (92 cals) Feel like a failure now ='( Haven't moved from 9st 3lbs all week either >=( So frustrating!!! Think I might use this morning to get my metabolism back to a good shape and start fasting again tomorrow because I still feel weak and light headed and that kind of meant I was doing something right plus I feel like a big fat failure for eating. Can't believe I got to day 10 and cracked. Argh! So weak. Such an idiot. Such a failure. To top it off from tomorrow night I will be getting absolutely wrecked!! No food this weekend. Get drunk a little faster too. Deserve it! All them calories. A punishment. Not home Saturday night though. God I am going to be drinking most of Friday and Saturday day. I don't make much sense lol but then again do I normally? I am looking forward to drinking lots and lots but god the calories? They will kill me but at least it's not food. I'll just end up peeing it all out when I go to the toilet over the weekend anyway. Can't believe I haven't lost any weight in like 5 days though and I haven't even eaten. It's mind baffling ='( and upseting. All that hard work and not a pound shifted. So strange. Maybe I could be retaining water or something cos there is no way I haven't lost even 1lb this week from not eating. Ugh! Did set a new record for longest fast this year so far though lol. Not eating for the rest of the week from now anyway though so should lose by Saturday. Wish I was 9st already but my stupid fast only let me lose 7 or 8lbs =( Bastard twat!! Going to buy pop cos thirsty. Mucho Love xoxox

Day 9 now 10

Well spent all of yesterday painting and I am sooo shattered! I swear to god painting is fun when you are talking about it but when you actually do it, you are tired beyond belief lol. Came home around 5pm and just went to bed. Didn't have anything to eat and just wasn't interested in drinking. Got a small bottle of coke and still haven't finished it lol. Just so sleepy right now that food and drink are not a priority. I know I need to get off this fast because I feel really light headed and weak and unmotivated to do anything but I just can't =( No food allowed for a fatty like me though I am dying for a chicken and cheese foot long sub from Subways =/ Am tired again. Only woke up a few hours ago =/ So tired and have no energy. Mucho Love xoxox

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

So hungry, so weak =(

I'm hungry. Actually I am starving but yet I just can't find it in myself to get anything to eat. Tried to eat a few crisps earlier but couldn't even pick them up =( They repulsed me =( What's going on like? I'm just so hungry and past caring about anything but after 9 days of no food I can't stomach anything. Haven't been drinking loads of fluids like I was a couple of days into my fast either. Just so confused straight now. I wish I could eat something small because I feel really weak and have a full on week from today. Drinking as well this friday and Saturday which will just kill me on an empty stomach. I haven't seen much of a change on the scale either since Sunday which is when this PMS started which is normal cos I normally have up to 5lbs gain for a few days but that's just discouraging me from eating something. It's a little voice saying starve until you see change but then I'll still not want to eat because I'd be seeing change in numbers and it's an endless circle going round and round and never stops.

When i actually went to pick the bag of crisps up just to move them my hand, I mean my brain or body or whatever just wouldn't allow me to ='( I couldn't even touch the bag. How pathetic and stupid is that? Argh!!!!!!!!! I just want something small and light to eat. Bloody hell my stomach is just going through hell right now. So is my head. I am so tired straight now. I just want to sleep. Or cry. Or scream. Or all three lol. After eating though =( ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why does Dannii and everyone else on facebook with an ED seem to be able to eat when they want or when they feel really hungry? Why can't I be like them and eat? I need to eat. I need some strength today. Lord help me. Mucho Love xoxox

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Am tempted

... but too tired. Seriously though I want to break this fast now but can't. I don't want to feel weak for not continuing with it until I fully can no longer continue with anything. If I break it now I will seriously die. I will kill myself cos I'll be an even bigger failure than normal =( I just don't know what to do =( Mucho Love xoxox

So tired =(

Want to go to bed. Haven't been yet. Still need to get a shower, do the hair, dressed, go out and all that before I can even consider sleeping =( Then again sleeping throughout the day could get me through day 8! Genius lol =P Think i should go and get a shower so that I can come and fully blog my thoughts out lol =D Mucho Love xoxox

1 week and 1 day or in simple terms Day 8!

Made it to day 8! Am so craving food right now! Seriously just want to stuff my bloody face with everything in the house. Especially my Cheese and Onion crisps. Not because I am hungry, because I am craving them cos they are sat right next to me lol =P Oh well =) Wow fizzy pop makes you burp if you drink it too fast! Think I just woke the neighbours up lmao =P Think if I can make it through today and Wednesday and most of Thursday if not all then I will have the big bag of Cheese and Onion crisps on Friday night when I get drunk =) Maybe I will not want them though =) Probably will have to eat at some point this weekend but Saturday should be okay. Think it may be possible to avoid food in all aspects if I play it right on Saturday but on Sunday I'll be back at Joe's and my nana will be here and she is obsessed with whether anyone eats or doesn't eat. Mucho Love xoxox

Monday, 18 January 2010

Fuck

Joe noticed I haven't been eating much so I need to shape up sharp! Just done like a special k cereal and drunk the milk and left the rest. Also moving all the food I have hidden in my laptop case into my holdhall with all my new stuff for my apartment. Phew! Have hidden like nearly 12 bags of crisps, 1 tin of beans, 1 tin of custard and around 18 -22 cereal bars. So have also used 8 slices of bread and threw it to the birds =) Threw a go-ahead bar out too and have kept the wrapper. Just going to leave dirty plates and things in the kitchen so not to suspicious. Am so bloody craving the big bag of Cheese and Onion crisps Joe bought me earlier. Not sure how long I can continue on this fast. Seriously I am really hungry. Maybe I should go and make 3 cups of tea and drink them one after the other to try and fill me up? Might do that in 5 minutes. Might make my stomach think it is full up. Really want to make it into double figures without eating anything. Mucho Love xoxox

Haha well remember...

How I was going to go out all today? Yeah didn't quite happen lol. Stayed in bed until 4pm :-) Everyone seems to have screwed up today but my question is if you have Anorexia lets say, you don't eat a load of food do you? I'd say that was Bulimia and if you wasn't throwing it up then it is EDNO's (a mixed behaviour of both Anorexia and Bulimia) But anyway that is there life and I am not their doctor just someone who accepted their friend request on a social networking site. I do worry about them sometimes though. Pretty sad right? Especially Dannii though. She's a total sweetheart and when she's close to suicide or doing something stupid I wish I could be there to help her through it all. Wish she lived a bit closer to me and we could help each other. Not with losing weight but just by being friends and just talking to each other in real life and not by text message. Just really worried about her. Don't care so much about myself but she is a great friend. The woman brought back gifts from the shop. Not bothered about the coke because I asked for that but she brought back a massive bag of crisps. I mean they are 120g! So big and like probably around 600 calories or more. So, so tempted to eat them because I am so hungry today. Not hungry just craving things because of the PMS. So annoying cos I am doing well and am not going to give it all up for a stupid period 2 days into it. Only 3 bloody more days left lol. Can't wait to get an accurate weight after this period has finished cos I am dying to know whether I have gotten under 9st. Think I might have cos I normally gain around 3-5lbs this time of the month so maybe that's what I have gain this time. If so I am buzzing cos I will definately be under 9st =) Still fat though =( Always feel fat!!! =( Mucho Love xoxox

Day stupid 7

Do I really have no life that I am sat here counting the bleeding days I haven't eaten? Guess I just answered my own question there didn't I? Haha!! 5am and I am shattered. Got a longish day tomorrow. Going household shopping. Only got £32 though til Wednesday. Need to buy some more random shite though. Rocking it out to Alicia Keys own version of Empire State of Mind Part 2. Justin Bieber looks like a flea trying to act black lol. I mean wtf is it with 15 years singing crap like he is?? Maybe if it was a 17 year old girl but with boys nah it ain't working at all!! Don't understand why so many people have a crush on him. He ain't no good looking guy or maybe that's just because I have standards in men!! Ooh I am feisty this lovely morning lol. Due to lack of sleep? Nope! Due to being pissed off? Nope in an okay mood thank you. Due to me liking real(!) guys? Absolutely hehe!! Oh gosh am in a complete random mood right now! Talking about i before e except after c though Joe thinks it's i before e except after d. What an idiot LOL! Oh my days!!! Random shite or what? Lol. Feeling really hyper and random (if you haven't already guessed :-P) and kinda out of it. 7 days with no food is making me freaking loopy lmao! Belly has started rumbling slightly which isn't too good. Thankfully loud TV is drowning it out right now. Think I need more fluids to fill me up. Oh god I feel strange lol. Feel slightly delirious and kind of like I am out of my body looking in. It's pretty funny though lol. Talking about how I would tell David Cameron to shut up if he spoke over me whilst I was talking if I was a politician. Of course I would be on Labours side. Gotta love Gordon Brown and Alister Darling and the cute in a sort of not admit able way David Miliband lol. Okay now I know I am acting strange! Admitting that lol. Cringe :-P
Got to admit though Prince William of Wales looks totally hot these days. I mean tall, smart, handsome and trained in the RAF. He's a girls dreams. Well... mine lol. Harry is, well in my eyes the cute but scharming good looking, party animal, not give a damn big brother figure that you could tell anything. Aww I want one of each now lol. Then again most girls probably do too. Can dream though lol.
Okay a bit too random now I feel. My heart is beating dodgy now and I feel weird and kinda... I don't know how to explain it :-/ Think I might try and sleep for a few hours. See if when I wake up I feel any better. So goodnight/good morning <3
Mucho Love
xoxox

Regrets

Here is a list of my regrets, most in 2009: 1) Dan! Obvious reasons :-( 2) Ash. He was lovely and I really did like him for a long time even when he was with a sort of friend and I sort of regret what happened and what I did to him. 3) Andy. I liked him more than a crush and friend. He was awesome but just not, lets just say it wouldn't work out :'( 4) Caitlin. I had trust in her and she totally destroyed it despite apparently being my best friend. 5) Not going for it when Andy made a play for me. Ironic huh? Never let myself think of him like that until after he made it obvious and then... complicated lol. 6) Family. Enough bloody said! Hate them more than a lot of things. 7) Facebook. Put me in touch with people like me. It is a good thing cos I love people like Dannii to pieces but maybe it sucked me further into my ED if that is possible. 8) School. Not going. No exams. No qualifications. Enough said huh? 9) Toby (Tobs) Not telling him the truth when he asked me about things. Big regret. 10) Alex. I really cared, still care about him. Not as a partner or anything like that but as a friend. He actually cared about me a lot and I felt I was able to tell him anything without being judged but unfortunately I left college too soon and never see him much anymore :'( I think if I told anyone willingly about my ED it'd most definitely be him. 11) This ED. I regret it big time. Not getting help for it but the help right now would just kill me. It'd be too hard to deal with and I would go mad lol. 12) Friends. Thought they were, turned out they weren't. 13) SI. Self Injury. Not the typical cutter or anything like that. Probably much worse. I... break bones, sprain body parts and things like that. The moment I hit an arm or leg with an hammer I get this release that makes me feel free in a way. Free of all the stresses and worries I have. Even if they only come back whilst I am sat in A&E LOL. They are my 13 main regrets. Lets see if I can find 13 things that I enjoyed. 1) Dannii ~ Best friend I could ever ask for. Seriously would be lost without her!! 2) Work ~ This keeps me sane. Knowing I am doing something I enjoy even though I never even completed High School just makes me feel so proud of myself :-) 3) College ~ Proud of finishing it and even going back when not there. 4) Friendships ~ I've made some beautiful friends this year if only online and through text messages. Amazing, wonderful people :-D 5) David ~ He is awesome. Love him to pieces. Sometimes can't stand him but that is normal lol. 6) Qualifications ~ Getting them is so cool. Especially cos I didn't have any haha!! 7) My new apartment ~ I am going to love it! :-D 8) Finding the strength to let people go out of my life that was worth it. ~ Self explanatory I think. 9) My ED ~ I know it was a regret but it's also something that is I don't know. But it's a love hate relationship I guess. 10) Independence ~ Courage to move out, do college and get a job. Pretty cool to do before 17 :-P 11) Ermm... not got anything else that springs to mind haha!! Not too bad I don't think but could be a hell of a lot better. Mucho Love xoxox

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Ending...

Well Sunday is over in like 28 minutes so I guess I have been successful on day 6. Why aren't I ecstatic though? Maybe it's just one of those things. I don't know but it will pass. The general want and need for food as totally gone. That's a good thing right? I have this little voice in my head say "no it's not. Talk to someone about this" but there is this overwhelming voice saying "You're doing fantastic! Keep it up. Food is the enemy, you don't want to stay fat do you?" And I must admit that last voice is the one I am going by. My brain and heart and well me working in the health profession know it is wrong but I don't want to do anything about it. I'd be branded if I got help and I like the feeling of losing. If I had to gain weight I would seriously die. I just don't know what this is anymore. Am I really still in control? Is it me saying I will carry on fasting or is it this... this voice Anna we'll call her? Seriously I have no idea anymore. Had a crazy thought about telling somebody, anybody but I know I can't. I can't handle that right now. I feel like I am crazy. All the other girls I know with an ED don't seem to be able to stop binging and well I'd say eating normally not binging. I can't seem to eat. I just don't want to. I've told no-one I am fasting. A few of them see it as wrong and I know deep down, the part of me that loves medicine and my job knows it's wrong too. I just know this ED is, well not wrong but it is an illness. It isn't my friend, I'm not daft enough to believe that. I ain't pro anorexia either. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Nobody deserves this. Despite laughing I am dying on the inside. The girl I once was so many years ago that loved being with her best friend as long gone for so many more reasons than this ED. I used to enjoy spending time with people, not minding if I was eating. Seems so long ago. One day I'll be like that again. Not have a care in the world and just actually live a little. Mucho Love xoxox

I hate this shite!!!

Why the hell do you get them? Every month and they bloody annoy me to death. Anyhow things are going well. In fact so well I have decided until 18:20 to post lol. Weight is not going to be stable for a few days so not sure if I have lost anything. I think my next weigh in will be probably have to be Thursday for it to be accurate. I know it sucks :-( But it gives me 5 days to lose approximately 7lbs. Going to be a challenge but possible. Routine: ~ 350 sit ups ~ 350 squats ~ 350 right leg raises ~ 350 left leg raises ~ 350 girl push ups ~ 350 both leg raises ~ 350 right leg lunges ~ 350 left leg lunges ~ 350 jumping jacks ~ walk 2 hours in morning at 5am ~ walk 1 hours at night at 6pm That's what I am doing minimum everyday until I decide not to. Going to be decorating and everything from Wednesday anyway so that will definitely burn calories. Going to google it and see how many :-) If it took 8 hours I would burn 180 an hour so times that by 8 and you get 1440 calories in total!! That's pretty cool :-) Will definitely lose lots of weight this week. Have decided to carry on my fast for a few more days. Going to buy some low fat, low calorie yogurt so that I don't gain the weight back. Would be devastated to gain any weight back so going to work out a lot when I do come off of it to ensure with all my might I don't gain a single pound and carry on losing it. I think whilst not fasting I could be able to lose around a pound a day if I worked out too and never eat above 400 calories. Feeling a bit tempted to eat though cos Joe is eating chips and spring rolls. Making my belly rumble lol. Not nice :-P Might go and make a cuppa tea. Haven't had one today and craving one lol. Just lied and said to Joe I would make some beans on toast a bit later. Pfft no chance lol. Will just hide the tin of beans and throw a few slices of bread out to the birds :-) Mucho Love xoxox

Day 6!!!

Like am so psyched that I am on day 6! I mean Oh My God I haven't eaten in nearly a week! So, so exciting but so scary because I can't remember the last time I have not eaten for so long. It's not even about control or anything now because I know I already have that to get past day 1. A lot of people try and fail. I haven't I have managed to blitz through these past 6 days. Not really had any side effects either. Fast heartbeat when I am too active and sometimes light headed when I stand up too fast but not even had my stomach grumble or anything. Am feeling a bit cold all the time though but that is nothing new lol. Am always cold. I hate that about the ED but some genius invented heating and made me a very happy lass :-P hehe! Mucho Love xoxox

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Day 5

Well nearly 6. Will be six in just over 3 and a half hours. Doing good, well great in fact but not losing any weight really fast anymore. Thinks it's cos my metabolism is starting to slow down so need to keep active to get it moving again. Exercise called for tonight lol and lots of it indeed. Might go for a day 6 morning walk around the estate too at 6am when everyone is in bed so I don't bump into any idiots. Need a good workout to keep me on track with the weight loss and maybe be able to get into the mid 120 range around 127 or so by Monday. Doubt it will happen but I am giving it a damn good shot :-) If I am not bang on 127, I will carry on fasting throughout the week to get to 120 for Saturday. Got a big plan for then :-) Might hurt a little bit but I will enjoy my seventeenth birthday extremely well ;-P Nothing rude though lol. Can't help it but I keep touching my collarbones haha! Nice being able to feel bones even if they only show a little bit. It's good motivation to carry on and not give up. Not complain about my weight to other people with an ED like Dannii and others. Not going to give in and binge like they all do regularly. Am going to weigh less than them, especially Dannii cos she's nearly under 8 stone even with binging all the bleeding time! So unfair :-( But I am only around 16lbs away from her and I can definitely get to under 9st by the end of this month and February I will spend trying to get under 8st. Going to stay positive and motivated. I will be thinner than everyone else. Y'know this is past been about the thinnest anymore really, it's about being the strongest and wanting to be better than people think I am. Crazy thing an ED is huh? Mucho Love xoxox

Feeling a lot better

Feel better now thank god. Think I needed the sleep to be honest. Slept until well after 1pm and still didn't sit up and go online until around 2:20pm. Weighed in late too but still going strong on my fast. Day 5 is more than 12 hours in. 15 and half hours to be precise. So anyway when I weighed myself I was just flickering between 9st 3lbs and 9st 3.6lbs. Not too bad I guess but hoping for a straight forward weight tomorrow. Hopefully if I work out today and tonight I can get a 9st 2lb result. Can always wish right? Think it could be possible but would be hard work plus as long as I complete day 5 I will be happy :-) 4pm now so only 8 hours until it's Sunday. Didn't go out today either. Just didn't feel up to it. Maybe tomorrow or Monday. Probably tomorrow though so I get a better result. Seriously hoping I can get to under 8st 10lbs by my birthday. I'm in a really musical mood today. I just wanna sing and sing and sing my heart out. My dream job above being a surgeon and in the TA, is to just sing. I don't care if I was famous or anything but I'd be so happy to sing in front of people. Might start doing videos and putting them on Youtube when I go back to work and can afford a camcorder. Just so people can hear my voice but not see my face or anything. Would be scared if someone I knew saw me singing. It'd be awkward y'know? I was born with an alright voice so why not let people hear it? :-) Everytime I lost a pound I could do another video to put on Youtube... yeah that sounds really good actually :-D That's something to work towards. Got my lottery and thunderball and dreamball tickets. Not going to win but I'd rather waste money on that than food. Logical and practical. Mucho Love xoxox

Huh...

Go figure. Feeling a little bit light headed today. Am really tired as well though so that could be affecting me. I think after weigh-in in that morning or rather a couple of hours I am going to make a really big cup of milky tea with a bit of sugar. Try and get the blood sugar levels up a little bit. Am spending most of my day out in town and places tomorrow so don't want to feel shaky and faint. I feel so tired right now. Need to check msn too but can't. Well don't want to. Going to go straight to sleep after writing this and watching the episode of Road Wars. Feeling quite fat today and not expecting a huge loss in the morning or whatever you want to call it. I haven't worked out at all really and yeah fine I haven't eaten but I want to lose 5lbs, well under that but I can't really see that happening without working out. Would get up now and do some exercise but will do lots of walking tomorrow and go for a walk in the evening too to try and encourage the weight loss. Hopefully all the walking from 10am till the afternoon plus another walk from 6pm till 9pm will help. I hope it does. I don't know what I will do if I am not 126lbs by anytime Monday. Even though I feel weak I am enjoying it because I know I am doing something right. Feeling really messed up right now. Actually close to tears because nobody notices what I am doing. Quite frankly I am killing myself slowly. Maybe not physically but mentally I am proper screwed up. I'm livin for what I want to achieve because my goals in life are basically my life. Not my friends or family because I don't have any : I'm not even bothered by it anymore. Me and my ED will be just fine by ourself. I want somebody to just hug me and say it will be alright but I know that will never happen. I want to hurry up and go back to work. It's something that keeps me sane, gives my life a structure and just someplace I could fine new friends. I feel so lonely. All the girls who claim to have an ED on Facebook claim to know this but I don't think they do. I feel so small compared to everything, it just... sucks. What a way to start day 5 huh? Just having a down, lonely, miserable and shite but things will be okay when I go to sleep and sleep this off. Please, please, please let me wake up in a regular bland mood, Nighty night. Mucho Love xoxox

Day..... 5 :O

Shocked! I mean totally shocked. Never expected to get this far at all. It's like all need of wanting food and everything has gone and I don't want to eat. It's strange. I haven't felt this feeling in so long but I feel I have total control straight now. Am sick of all the covering thing on my tongue though and the kinda bad breath but it's nothing gum and toothpaste/mouthwash can't sort out haha. Love the feel of my collarbones at the moment. I mean they don't stick out much but I think if I lose another 10lbs(?) maybe they'll protrude and that a bit more. Can't wait to be able to feel my ribs without fat being on them. And be able to touch my hip bones without fat being on them. Ah the 7st range here I come. Y'know looking back since Primary School I think I had all the typical signs that I would develop an eating disorder. I mean I was on over achiever during Primary. Always had to have the perfect grades and be the best at everything. Was never popular but was to my friends which made me feel well loved in a way but didn't get that from home. I was brought up in the most chaotic family you can imagine. Everyone seemed to love and acknowledge my brother and cousins but never me. I didn't feel that love despite trying to constantly trying to prove I was in a way worthy of it. By the time I had gotten to high school I was pretty much obsessed with calories and exercise. Then I got rebellious to try and get people to notice me which I must admit made a few tutors at my High School and also my brothers, which was a totally different School, notice but never my family or friends. The people I actually wanted to notice. I was losing weight, running/walking from 4am til aroun 12pm and no-one notice. I even had my excuse of "I was at my mates" but was never asked for it. I don't think people wanted to notice me. My brothers tutor Craig (won't say his full name) noticed when I was losing weight but I just claimed it was the change of hair colour (went from Blonde to Black ~ never ever again lol) but he never belived me. I quite liked the fact that he noticed and even I as I was going to explain to my birth parent and Caitlin, they'd not taken any attention to what he had said. That's how I spent my teenage years and still am. I mean I live with my auntie at the moment and she hasn't noticed I haven't eaten since Monday around 5pm :'( Pretty sad huh? Anyway am going to go and think over my shitty life. Mucho Love xoxox

Friday, 15 January 2010

4 days and 22 hours :-D

Oh my god I am like 2 hours away from day 5! I mean Oh. My. Gosh! I am so excited about it. It's really true that after day 3 you lose all cravings for things. I mean I imagine certain foods but only because they are in the house, not because I am actually hungry. Haven't done any exercise yet though so might do some soon. 100 girl push ups Leaving it at that for the moment. Mucho Love xoxox

Day 4 :D

Well am now into day 4 by 13 hours and 20 minutes! So proud of myself and feel completely normal. Haven't blacked out or anything plus don't feel weak and I am completely excited by it. Weighed in this morning and am 9st 4.5lbs :-D That's like a 6lb loss since Saturday so am psyched with that. I think if I carry on fasting for the rest of the week I could get to 9st by Monday or so fingers crossed. Have taken the 6 off of my hand now and replaced it with a 4 which is my favourite number ever. 4lbs by Monday! Bring it on lol. Am doing so well. Really pleased and happy :-) Not my low weight of 2010 but once under 9st 3lbs it will be and a new low weight for my birthday would be awesome. This is taking forever to write! Keep getting distracted by media player, cafe world and Jeremy Kyle lol. Got just over 8 hours to go before starting Day 5! Excited but deadly tired. Could go back to bed y'know. Maybe that's the fasting taking effect or simply because I haven't had enough sleep these past few... months lol. Gosh it is now like 5pm and I am 17 hours into my day 4 :-D so that is 24 + 24 + 24 + 17 = 89 hours without food like oh my gosh! Maybe I can get to 111 hours. That would be so cool. Just been offered some pastry from Joe but I used the excuse of looking at this totally disgusting house on How Clean Is Your House. Totally gross, I mean how could you let your house get like that? Madness!! Mucho Love xoxox

Thursday, 14 January 2010

:-))))))

Had a gorgeous long relaxing shower and am feeling happy and motivated for tomorrow :-D Day 3 of my fast will be over in 18 minutes so am well glad that I have finally made it past day 3 :-) Day 4 will be a doddle too haha. I am loving this feeling and even better I don't feel hungry which is what is making me carry on and feel strong. Only bad thing is my mouth tastes like shite!! Seriously, I mean it tastes like somethings curled up and died in it haha!! Probably from the tea/coffee and coca cola. Oh well I can live with that lol :-) Oh my gosh am on day 4 now!!! Whooooooooooooooooooo lol. A stupid guy I got caught in a web with is contacting me again on Facebook so not going to do much on there besides my cafe and things. Seriously can't be bothered with him. Yes N F! Oh no sorry that's his ED name. He's really called Dan. The things he offers and says is just so seedy. I'd delete him but I dunno. Too many friends in common and things could get difficult. Think I am just going to play it very cool and say yeah am fine and all that crap. How are you? Y'know that sort of rubbish but I am not getting back into the stupidity of his games. Just definitely not. Asshole only got back in touch cos of a stupid status I had put on my wall. What a W~A~N~K~E~R~!~!~! Hehe so true. He knows I have a boyfriend too but still plays his stupid little games. Hate men like that! He ain't even a man! He is a bloody pervert! Only interested in sex and likes every girl with an ED's pictures they post when they are topless but covering with the hand or if they are in their underwear. Such a creep that's always drunk or high on drugs claiming to have an ED. Fucking freak. UGH!!!! Hey just noticed ranting about this frigging creep as gotten me 90 minutes into Day 4 haha!! Good times :-) Just going to go to get my duvet. Am freezing my arse off :-P Ahh soo lovely under my duvet :-) 1 hour and 40 minutes into Friday now hehe. Yes am really counting down the hours and minutes :-) Snuggled up on the sofa under the duvet with my laptop on my knees. This is life hahaha. Time for Loose Women now cos I missed it earlier cos I was in town. Got lots of birthday money to come next week. Well £30 off of Joe and £15 off of my nana and I dunno if anyone else will get me anything. Probably not cos like they never do. Especially my (reluctant to say it) mum. Not worthy of the fucking name in my opinionn. Even more not than my biological dad. Anyway at like 02:40am in the morning it's not worth going into lol. Going to settle down and watch Jeremy Kyle and then sleep. Nighty nighty nighty :-) Mucho Love xoxox

Bit of exercise for today

Well obviously did quite a bit of walking whilst in town today and carrying paint and a bag but just done a bit now 100 girl push ups 100 sit ups 100 left leg raises 100 right leg raises 100 both leg raises Feel a little bit weak but don't care. Feel the burn haha :-P Right now I am watching the last 15 minutes of Obese at 16, then at 9pm: My big fat diet show 10pm: Shower time lol 10:25pm: Real Crime with Mark Austin: Peter Tobin 10:55pm: Police Interceptors 00:05am: Nightwatch with Steve Scott 00:55am: Nightwatch with Steve Scott 01:50am: Loose Women 02:40am: Jeremy Kyle 03:35am: Workout and then bed for a bit :-) That's my evening plan for tonight :-) Pretty boring to some but a good night to me hehe. It's pretty cool too cos I am 3 hours and 5 minutes away from day 4. Something I haven't managed for a long time. Just got some more crisps and a coco pop and go ahead bar to make it look as though I am eating. I am going to run outta places to hide them though lol. Laptop bag can only hold so many before I have to use it haha! Am not throwing them away though because I HATE wasting food. Think I will secretly put them all in my holdall bag next week and leave them at my place away from me atm and just give them to people when they come to see me :-) Clever girl me haha!! 100 girl push ups 100 squats 102 sit ups 300 twists Felt like doing a bit more exercise haha :-) Getting motivated and that for weigh in tomorrow morning. My collarbones are protruding a bit more and my face is a bit slimmer but can't see the difference anywhere else :-( Still have a big fat stomach and thighs and hips and hate my boobs. Some girls might love to have boobs but I hate mine so much. Can't wait until they shrink a bit :-) Haha so funny wanting small boobs when everyone wants big 'uns :-P Anyway am going to get a shower and relax. Mucho Love xoxox

OH. MY. GOOD. GOD!!!

I am still in sheer shock! I mean wow. Stood on the scales this morning and got a huge shock. 9st 5.5lbs!!!!! So bloody happy :-D I believe I can get to under 9st 5lbs by the morning so I'd be like 1-2lbs away from my goal which I wasn't expecting to achieve until Monday but could now lose more which is mesmerizing :-) Really happy and in a good mood cos I managed to stay strong on my fast. Only 6 hours until day 4. Roll on haha. Not decorating this weekend which is a pain in the rear. Doing it some time next week when the carpets and furniture come which is annoying. I was well excited but will have to wait now :-( Can't get over my 2lbs loss though :-) Love, love, love it!!!! Going to watch The Simpsons and write down some tips and rules for myself. Mucho Love xoxox

Day 3 :D Whoop!!

23 minutes into day 3! Get in there lass :D Think I might go to bed for a couple of hours and wake up at 6am to workout. Sounds pretty good to me I think. Just redone my number 6 on my hand and I am so close to achieving it which is awesome :D Anyhoo bed is calling me for a couple of hours then WORKOUT!!!!!!!! Love it! So going to lose weight this week for once. I'm back on track and it's a great feeling! Anyway, Nighty night. Mucho Love xoxox

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

How crappy!!!

Well my football team Liverpool bloody lost and they god damn deserved too!! Played so shite it was unbelievable! Ugh up there with Manchester United on the loser team haha :-P Lost the lottery too haha!! On a losing streak here ain't I? Will definitely have lost weight by the morning cos I managed to not eat and day 2 is nearly over :-D Yay! Gone to just under 9st 8lbs but that's cos I have had nearly 2 litres of coca cola, 1 litre of milkshake and 1 litre of water. Making it my aim to not dehydrate! Gonna make a cuppa tea in a moment. Have become obsessed with tea straight now :-) Love my coffee still though. Got bought some hot chocolate today and it's only 34 calories a coup so I will drink it but will definitely have less than 3-4 cups in any day for example but it'll be a nice sugar treat :-) Day 2 of fast will be over in 59 minutes :-D So going to settle down on the floor, well to a point lol and watch Street Wars. Love this program :-) It's bleeding fantastic haha!! Hoping for under 9st 7lbs tomorrow morning :-D Going to do a really long work out tonight when Joe goes to bed just to make sure I get under 9st 7lbs. Not going to drink anything after 4-5am either. Definately don't want water weight to stop me getting under 9st 7lbs. Wow I have said 9st 7lbs a lot :-P Oh well tomorrow night it will be 9st 6lbs I'm going on about haha. Got shopping tomorrow for paint and paint brushes etc. Need to buy the cups to go with my dinner plate set too. Only have around £90 though :-( £42 is straight out on paint and gloss. Probably another £8 on rollers and paint brushes. Will have £40 left then for things for house. So need: Cups £3 ~ Tesco Mirror £6 ~ £stretchers And dunno what else yet lol. Will figure it out when I go out tomorrow morning/afternoon :-) Looking forward to actually moving out though. So exciting to be honest. Total freedom and the time to work out whenever I want to without anybody saying anything. Going to buy gym equipment as well when I get my grant thing. I hope I get the full £1035 cos then I can buy all the little things for the house and buy gym stuff too :-D Would be totally awesome to have an exercise bike, cross trainer and other things. Would work out all day then if I had the time! 38 minutes and day 3 will be starting :-) So totally cool but need to stay strong whilst out tomorrow so that I don't fail it because I always seem to fail towards the end of the day of day 3 :-( Don't want to fail tomorrow at all so am going to stay very busy. At 6pm I am going to go for a very long walk (1 hour +) and ge into town or something for a few hours and try to stay out until around 9-10pm. Will just say I am off out to a mates and just get on different buses and try to pass time. I will say I have eaten whilst I am out. I am a clever devious woman :-D Went into the kitchen earlier whilst Joe was in the bedroom and got 2 bags of crisps and 2 cereal bars and hid them in my laptop bag whilst making the bag ruffle to make it look like I was eating. Think I might do the laptop bag thing again. Haha just took another cereal bar from a different box to earlier to make it look like I am eating. So genius haha. I am actually not hungry though y'know. So suprising really cos I thought I'd be starving and I ain't, plus I'm not feeling weak or anything which is ace :-D This is getting really long lol. Better go and use the loo lol. Mucho Love xoxox

Asos

Thinking about ordering a dress from ASOS in a size 6 or 4 and using it as motivation so I can wear them in the summer :) I think it's be a totally good idea :) Just have to wait until I get my loan next month or better still when I go back to work and have my wage paid into my bank. Such a good idea I think. Mucho Love xoxox

Well...

Woke up around 10:30am. Haven't weighed myself yet. Gong to at bang on 12 o'clock. I hope so much I am 9st 7lbs. I really do! Gosh these 7 minutes are torture! So nervous about it lol. Still going strong on my fast and fooled my auntie by putting a few cornflakes into a bowl of milk whilst she was in the shower, so am out of that one. Dinner I will just not make. Can't be arsed lol. Oh it's weigh in time. Brb... (whistles*) drum roll please.... between 9st 6.5lbs and 9st 7.1lbs which is alright :) Maybe once I have fully emptied my bladder it will give a positive response. But am still happy with that, when I started off at 9st 10.5lbs on Saturdays and Sunday!! Whoop woo! :D Not long until I am in double figures instead of triple! Well I am going to go and get ready to go out so bye bye for now. Mucho Love xoxox

Bed and hope

Well I am off to bed right now to try and sleep. Gotta be up at 6am :( Fingers crossed for bang on 9st 7lbs when I wake up :) Mucho Love xoxox

Day 2 :D

Let day 2 commence though it can wait a minute cos I have a full bladder lol. Sorry brb... right back haha!! Just thought I'd say looking forward to day two! 9st 6lbs by Thursday morning for sure :D Mucho Love xoxox

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Woo Hooo!!!!!!

Well day one of fast is nearly complete :D So happy and I weighed myself a few minutes ago and was 9st 7.5lbs!! So happy and it hasn't even been one full day! Am just over 4lbs away from my weekly target! So pleased with that :) 9st 6lbs next and then lower and lower. At this rate I could be at 9st by Sunday which would be totally ace!! Obviously I wouldn't be able to weigh myself until coming home at the night time so if I was anywhere near 126lbs I would be over the moon cos that gives me a chance to get under 9st for my 17th birthday. Wish I was having a big party with all my friends but truth is I haven't gotten many. Probably got more on Facebook than in reality :'( Actually do have friends but they just don't seem interested or bother to keep in contact just because I have moved from the shitty Seacroft estate. It's horrible because I thought they were really my friends when in reality these girls on Facebook like Dannii (bless her she is amazing! Love her to pieces) care a lot more and check everyday to see if I am okay and that's what real friends do, no matter how far away you are from them, they always stay in contact. It's a shame them guys who live 10 miles or something away can't send a text saying hiya or met me in town and do something like have a coffee or just talk like we used to :(. So sad really but I guess there is always a reason why people don't make it into your future and stay behind in your past. I guess these things come with having an ED though. I mean I haven't spent much time this year with anybody, haven't gone out much unless it was shopping and buying things for my apartment. I hate been isolated and away from others but it means I can stay away from food 75% of the time. I think I am going to make more of an effort to go out though from the end of this month. Even if it is just for stupid little walks and things. Can't stay inside for all my life especially since I will be back at work soon. Work might make my life a little bit more interesting and make me a few more friends. I would like that quite a bit. This ED just makes me feel so lonely and sad at times but at others I like it in ways. I love the buzz of losing weight and being skinny and in control of what I eat and everything. I enjoy seeing the numbers going down on the scale everyday. Well I am going to watch my program Nightwatch: the Medical one. It's actually being filmed at St James University Hospital and the Leeds General Infirmary which is neat cos I know most of the staff lol from a&e attendances and of course working with them :P lol. In 3 minutes Day 1 will be complete :D Yay!! Mucho Love xoxox

Tuesday :P

Well last night I didn't totally fast but had under 300 calories so not all bad :) Haven't eaten today and am bloody starving lol. Not going to eat though :) Don't care how hungry I am, I refuse to eat. A couple of cups of coffee will get me through day one. Just over 9 stone 8 lbs today :) Lost 1lb even with eating quite bit. Hope I can reach my goal and lose 6lbs minimum in total by the end of the week. Doing the biggest loser thing where I write the number on my hand so I have a big number 6 on my left hand lol. Quite inspiring actually :) Am not going to eat. I won't, I won't, I won't!! Gotta be under 9st for my birthday next Saturday! Going out with David and some friends and then drinking at home :) Should be fun and just gotta try and avoid food. It won't be too hard cos lots of alcohol will be involved :/ Good and bad thing. Think I might go for a walk in a bit. Don't know though :/ Do but don't. Argh!!! Lol. Might just watch TV and then get a shower cos out tomorrow and Thursday and Friday and decorating all weekend so am going to be burn, burn, burning lots of calories :D Awesome :D So roll on losing more than 6lbs!!! :D :D On my last week long fast I lost 12lbs :) would love to do that again! Would definately be under 9st for my birthday then :) Going to watch TV and listen to Kelly Clarkson now :) Mucho Love xoxox

Monday, 11 January 2010

More exercise :D!!!

Yay!!! Finally Joe's in bed and nana has gone home :) 400 girl push ups 400 sit ups ------------------------------------ 100 twists 100 left leg raises 100 right leg raises 100 squats 100 left leg lunges 100 right leg lunges

New week, new fast!

Today is day 1 of my 7 day fast. It's 12 hours into it and going alright lol. 156 hours left :D hehe. My friend just lost 5lbs (lucky bitch! She fucking eats more than me! Boo) and I've basically gained it :-0 blah blah blah huh? 9st 9lbs when I weighed myself this morning :'( Didn't get to work out last night! She hasn't even been to bed! BOOOOO! I need her to go to bed and my nana to go home. I wanna work out badly! YESSSSSS!!! Managed to get them to go to bed! Let the work out commence! 200 girl push ups 140 right leg raises 100 left leg raises 100 sit ups 200 squats 100 left leg lunges 100 right leg lunges Will do more once my nana as gone home and the guy as fixed the washing machine and dryer :-) Mucho Love xoxox

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Sheer boredom

I am so friggin bored!!! Just made a slim fast milkshake which is supposed to be 217 cals with semi skimmed milk and 2 scoops of powder but I used 98% fat free milk and 1 scoop so it's around 100 cals :) so cool. Still totally bored though :( Saving all my music on my laptop. That's how bored I am!!! Going to work out more tonight. Kind of hurt from my workout this morning but that's telling me I am doing well. Going to proper go for it tonight no matter what time they go to bed. Think after copying a few more albums I am go and get in the shower, wash my hair, do an hair mask, do my legs, get out and back into my pjs and then blow dry and straighten my hair :) Something to do hey? Mucho Love xoxox

Countdown so work it girlie!!

Well it's like the 10th today, so I have 13 days until my birthday!!! EEK! Didn't do my workout last night. Aunt stayed up til like 3am so am doing most of it now whilst they are still in bed. 100 girl push ups 100 squats 100 left leg raises 100 right leg raises 100 jumping jacks 100 sit ups 100 right leg lunges 100 left leg lunges That's it for now cos the lazy bums have woken up lol. Just had 200 cals or just under worth of toast and 100 cals or less of beans so not too bad compared to the other day :) Well I am off to do... some random shite lol. Mucho Love xoxox

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Keeping occupied

Well I had a slim fast milkshake 100 cals 1 worchester sause crisps 120 cals A plate of chips 300 cals So around 500 cals in all. Not too bad but could be better. Work out for tonight: 01:30am: 1500 sit ups 02:00am: 1500 jumping jacks 02:30am: 1500 lunges 03:00am: 1500 leg raises (both sides) 03:30am: 1500 squats 04:00am: 1500 girl push ups 04:30am: 1500 arm weights 05:00am: 1 hour walk in the snow :) Will be hard work but totally worth it :-D Until then I am going to do the following to keep occupied: Listen to: Mariah Carey - the Ballads Mariah Carey - E=MC2 Whitney Houston - I look to you Taylor Swift - Fearless Hilary Duff - Hilary Duff Christina Aguilera - Back to Basics (both discs) Should kill a few hours. Plus I am watching: The lottery CSI:NY CSI: Vegas Law and Order Mucho Love xoxox

So far...

100 left leg raises 100 right leg raises 100 girl push ups 100 squats 100 lunges 100 sit ups. 100 jumping jacks Beofre 1pm which I am proud of. If Joe hadn't of woken up I could of done more. Think I might go to the bathroom to do another 15 sit ups and 100 jumping jacks. Hold that thought... Awesome :) More exercise to come tonight :D Mucho Love xoxox

Friday, 8 January 2010

Me Friday kinda sucked!!!

Well has me title says 'me friday sucked!!!' Sorry feeling very Yorkshire lol. Well today was a bust. Food eaten: 2 double cheeseburgers Medium fries Strawberry milkshake 2l of coke 1 doughnut 500ml of cherry coke 3 prawn cocktail crisps 1 wouster crisps 1 ready salted crisps I am freaking on a downwards cycle. Quite seriously I am a fuck up !! I am doing a shit load of exercise tonight when my auntie and nana go to bed. Going to work out all weekend to try and lose 3lbs by Monday. Am frustrated that the lowest I could probably get to is 120lbs :( That's like well fat. I am 136 freaking pounds!!! Give me a gun so I can shoot myself now! Blah blah fucking blah. I am so bloody tired though. Can't go to sleep yet cos am on the sofa :( tonight so have to wait for everyone else to fuck off to bed :( 22:10 and I am shattered. So warm too :( Argh. Not a good day. Mucho Love xoxox

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Uh-uh

Well after my terrible behaviour I have put 2lbs on. I think maybe 1lb could be water weight but the other 1lb is definately fat >:( So annoyed at myself. Was talking to a mate, well still am and she she has an ED. She was talking about how I need to talk to someone about all this at some point. I don't think I do especially not now. I'm not ready to recover (am WAYY too fat) and it would just be a waste of time and money spent on that stuff just to go back to normal. I think I have such a great amount of knowledge on this subject that I know what type of mindset I would have to be in for real genuine recovery. I do understand what she is saying though because she isn't sure if she wants recovery yet so we are pretty similar. I love her to pieces. Miss Danielle lol. I am kind of tired now :-) Weird thing to be happy about but when you get barely any sleep at all believe me it is a great feeling!! Mucho Love xoxox

S&*#!!!!

Fucking fucked up big time and it's only nearly 1pm!! Fuck fuck fuck!!! Arghh why do I keep doing this? Probably around 1000 calories :x I need to keep my fucking mouth closed!! That is it! I am not eating anything this weekend. Will be very hard cos my nana is here but I will do it. I am determind to do it. I can't stand being this size. It's sick. I got a call about a job today in the hospital I want which means I could start work before expected but hopefully not. If that is the case I hope to be at least 8st 7lbs minimum by then. Arghhhh!!! I'd go and throw up but house is full :'( I hate this. I fucking do! I'm such a fat fucking failure. My punishment: 3 day fast. Mucho Love xoxox

Oh my gosh!!!

I am finally going back to work very soon!! :-D So excited :-D It'll be amazing and so will the salary :-P Over £1300 a month without overtime! I get like £100 if I do a night shift and am not supposed to. How cool is that?! Anyhoo that's is a huge encouragement to get to 112lbs by the beginning of February. I mean come on I am not going to go and get fitted for a new nursing uniform this fat!! I am thinking about doing the ABC. I had around 500 calories yesterday so today would also be a 500 calorie day. I am already on 195 calories :'( I have these Quorn chicken korma things which are just over 300 calories and a load of other vegetarian food that I bought yesterday. Oh my god I even bought some slim fast milkshake meals!!! My auntie even paid for them! I was majorly shocked lol. So got a strawberry tub and a vanilla tub :-) Just need to buy some milk but will buy that later today. I think 112lbs by the end of the month will be a big ask as I am 133 lbs (9st 7lbs) now but with a bit of hard work I will be able to lose about 1lb a day for quite a while. So it's the 7th today... fingers crossed by my birthday, in 16 days, I will be 119lbs (8st 7lbs) at least. Still majorly fat but after then I'll be able to lose maybe 7lbs to get to 112lbs (8st) by the 1st of February. My daily workout: 1.5 hour walk 200 sit ups 150 girl push ups 300 in total leg raises 300 jumping jacks 300 squats With no more than 500 calories at any time. It should work. It better work or I will just give up! On the lower calorie days like 100 or something I will just fast. Eating a little makes me want more food so none it will be. Mucho Love xoxox

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Rewards

Once I get to certain weights 135lbs: (x) 135lbs: (x) 134lbs: (x) 133lbs: (x) 132lbs: (x) 131lbs: (x) 130lbs: New earrings (x) 129lbs: ( ) 128lbs: ( ) 127lbs: ( ) 126lbs: New peircings ( ) 125lb: ( ) 124lbs: ( ) 123lbs: ( ) 122lbs: ( ) 121lbs: ( ) 120lbs: ( ) 119lbs: ( ) 118lbs: New shoes ( ) 117lbs: ( ) 116lbs: ( ) 115lbs: ( ) 114lbs: ( ) 113lbs: New CD's ( ) 112lbs: ( ) 111lbs: ( ) 110lbs: ( ) 109lbs: New make up ( ) 108lbs: ( ) 107lbs: ( ) 106lbs: ( ) 105lbs: ( ) 104lbs: ( ) 103lbs: ( ) 102lbs: New perfume ( ) 101lbs: ( ) 100lbs: ( ) 99lbs: Day off working out ( ) 98lbs: ( ) 97lbs: ( ) 96lbs: ( ) 95lbs: ( ) 94lbs: ( ) 93lbs: ( ) 92lbs: New hair style and cut ( ) 91lbs: ( ) 90lbs: ( ) 89lbs: ( ) 88lbs: ( ) 87lbs: ( ) 86lbs: ( ) 85lbs: ( ) 84lbs: Major shopping spree!!! ( )

:-) :-( :-/ :'(

Felt all them today.
Ate this morning though I wasn't hungry. Had a cheese sandwich whilst out in the snow.
Omfg the snow is amazing!! Yes I had cold feet but it was fun to build my snowman. I'm going to try and add a picture of it :-D I did it all by myself cos a) I have no friends nearby, b) No-one would help anyway and c) I like doing things by myself :-) It looks pretty cool in my opinion.
Anyway after being out in the snow for more than an hour building my snowman, I finished it. Felt rather proud and took some pictures of it and went inside. Not a bad looking snowman to say I have never built one better hehe.
But I came indoors and had 2 cups of this pasta thing in cheesey sauce. So many calories plus a takeaway later on tonight. Ugh fml.
When I went shopping I bought:
Pillows
Lamps
Toastie
Pans
Never seem to be able to find what I want :-( Saw this amazing 46in plasma lcd tv though!! Freaking amazing! Going to buy it when I go back to work. On a salary of £1400-1700 a month I can totally afford it :-D It will look great in my uh-maz-ing living room.
Buying all my paint tomorrow so big decisions to be made. Getting a microwave, steamer and smoothie maker aswell hopefully. Depends.
The only exercise I have done so far is a lot of walking, building my snowman and a bit of typing. Did sit on an f-ing cold bus for a total of around 4 hours!! That's the only downside to the snow haha. Have managed not to gain anything yet by my scales so it's not been too bad but haven't lost anything and still have the takeaway to go yet. Can imagine by morning I will be at least 1lb up >:-( So annoying!! Argh! Need to work harder from tomorrow morning.
Mucho Love
xoxox

Lists, lists, lists!!!

  • Plate set
  • Lamps
  • Throws
  • Cups
  • Pillows
  • Duvet
  • Bedding
  • Bathroom Mats
  • Pans
  • Toastie
  • Mirror
  • Bins

Plus paint for Bathroom and Kitchen, gloss, rollers, paint brushes, door varnish, sand paper and tape.

Want to spend this week and some of next week decorating the place up.

Carpets will be delivered on the 21st of January. Got someone coming out to see me and the place on the 22nd and my birthday on the 23rd :-D

Got a feeling this month is going to be a good one :-)

Mucho Love

xoxox

A bit of good news :)

Yay. I didn't eat at all :-) Am happy about that tbh. Feeling like I am back on track after the holidays. It's like 03:35am and I am still awake :-/ Then again did sleep a lot today from around 5:30pm till 11pm. Actually not a lot but it was something hehe. Tomorrow I am quite busy too so hoping I can pull off not eating again. Going shopping!! Love it :-P Shopping on Wednesday too :-) I'm liking this week already haha! None of it is clothes though. They are waiting until my fat ass is skinny again. Will enjoy that clothes shopping trip when I go though. Was a bit depressed when my size 8 skinny jeans were tight this morning. Not sure if it's cos of gaining weight or because they were put on an hot wash. Am hoping it is the last of them two. I do like my skinny jeans. Am sticking to my baggy size 10 jeans this week though. At least until fully on track. MA chilling out playing around on Facebook and listening to Country Music. It's quite inspiring tbh. It's... I love it lol. Some songs really do realte to me and my life. This crazy ED included. Mucho Love xoxox

Monday, 4 January 2010

So far

So far today (it's 15:09) I haven't eaten or slept. Am so tired it's unreal but just cannot sleep. So annoying. Shopping went okay. Didn't buy a lot cos it was so cold out (-4!!) so just got a few things but going to buy paint and the rest of it on Wednesday :-D I think I am drinking too much as well! Am up and down to the bloody toilet every two minutes haha. Getting some aerobics in :-P Hehe. Just chilling out on the sofa watching Traffic Cops and listening to the mp3 player. Need things to take my mind off of eating and weight and all that. Don't wanna get into a state over it. Am just visualizing the major shopping trip in February :-) Trying to get myself tired so I can fall asleep. Even if only for an hour. I am pooped! Right feet going up, logging off computer and turning phone on silent. Time to settle down and chill out if nothing else :-D Mucho Love xoxox

Wow...

Well the impact of the holiday season... wow. It truly was crap!! Am quite shocked really. Ugh... whatever though. I have a plan to make up for it. Enough being down in the dumps lol. Am off out in a little bit. Gotta go shopping for food and things for my house. If me and my auntie buy most of it now then at the beginning of February I will have £1000+ to spend on the rest of the stuff and on a brand new wardrobe for when I have lost the weight. I love shopping so am definately going to look forward to that :-D Things to buy today: Kettle Toaster Lamps Throws Cutlery Pans Pillows Things to buy tomorrow: Plates + cups Duvet cover Going to enjoy choosing everything :-) Well best go and get dressed and will update on the choices when I get back. Mucho Love xoxox

Change of plan

Well huge change of plan. I majorly fucked up today. I never went to Tescos, am tomorrow, and ended up sleeping most of the day. You may ask "so how was that bad?" Well I'll tell you how! I woke up around 9pm after 8 hours sleep and to my amazement still wasn't hungry even after no food. Then 30 minutes later my auntie decided to order pizza! Fml! Feel so full and bloated. Am going to weigh myself in a couple of hours and see what the impact of this stinking holiday season has been. Seriously though fml. Need to see a decent change by the 23rd of January. It's my 17th and I want to look half decent. I have the number of weight I need to lose by then in my head and if I don't... well hell knows!! My shopping list for tomorrow: Apples and lots of them! Flavoured water. That's my weeks food. Maybe a vegetarian meal every so often. On other news. I am going shopping for things for my house this week :-D Am really excited. Need to call British Gas too to sort the electricity out so can start painting. Already chose the colours and everything. Looking forward to not having anybody go on at me for eating and having the freedom to go out running whenever I want to. It's exhilarating tbh. Scary though. How far will Anorexia control my life without anybody interfering? Will it go too far? Will I end up in hospital? I guess the answer I want to believe is it will only go as far as I want it to but I know that probably isn't true. I am 5ft 6in roughly. My goal weight is 87lbs. It seems like such a long way away and it is to me. It's going to be hard. I am going to have to push myself hard. I already am aiming to lose 6lbs this week with my fast and 1 hour minimum exercise morning and night. I have set myself a 4 week limit to get to 110lbs. Shouldn't be the hardest thing I have ever done but it will be a challenge especially with my birthday in the middle of it. But I shall do it. Without a doubt I will. *Have lots more to add but I have to go out lol even if it is 4.25am!* Mucho Love xoxox

Sunday, 3 January 2010

Sunday food shopping? Pfft

Well I have decided to be kind of healthy this month (well as healthy as I can be) I am going to introduce small amounts of tuna which is hard because I genuinely don't like fish and eat a bit of Quorn meat. Both very low in calories yet can make part of a filling meal therefor I won't be lead onto a binge :) For breakfast I would like to eat half a plain omelet or ready brek, both filling until the next meal, lunch (when I have it) maybe a light salad with a bit of tuna or Quorn chicken pieces and for dinner (when I have it) I could have steamed vegetables with Quorn meat. All in all if I managed to eat all three meals I would be consuming maybe 500 calories. Obviously that is a lot to me. I am not comfortable with that number. FYI: I don't always count calories from vegetables and salad unless I have not prepared them myself. They are definitely my favourite binge food and quite filling to me. Oh I have decided I am not going to post any stats this month at all. It's not my thing to shout out how much I weigh and have lost. I will say when my clothes are getting loose but this month I am staying away from my dreaded scales (my own nightmare) and focusing on this plan. I have quite a lot going on this month which is good. I got my own apartment 2 days before Christmas which was a nice present from the council haha. I'm busy decorating that up from the end of this week which I am looking forward to :) Then I have got to buy all the furniture. A task in itself when you live on the 7th floor!! Oh yeah and it is my birthday on the 23rd. Sweet 17 :P Ah so much going on, so little time to do it in. Well anyway I am off to go and do a bit of a workout before I have to go grocery shopping. Mucho Love xoxox

Well January the 3rd

First day of blogging :) Been meaning to set up a blog for quite a while but never quite got around to doing it. So here I am blogging :-) First things first. Yes I have an eating disorder. I know that. I can admit that... well to myself anyway. Not exactly going to shout about it at work now am I? Especially working in an hospital. Wouldn't be a wise idea now haha!! I am nowhere near ready to deal with recovery and things so I am still working towards that goal weight. Right now I can't be fat and happy, thin and happy I can do. I don't want to change because then I can't be thin and look how I want to look. I guess ask me about recovery in 6 months and the answer might have altered a bit, ask me in a year or two and it could be completely different. This blog is my place to vent everything happening in my life! From work, to my ED, to my friends or lack of genuine friends. Maybe if anyone ever reads this then they may be able to relate to things happening with me. Mucho love xoxox